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Messages - redbabyblue70

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21

Hello, I am the stepmother of two wonderful boys, ages 13 and 9. Dad and I also have a 13 mo. old daughter together. Dad has had no luck with the court for the past several years, until a new commissioner that was hearing for support saw something was not right and appointed herself to the case.

Following a court ordered evaluation, dad was given joint physical/legal, with every Wednesday overnight as well as 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and right of first refusal, which is what he was asking for. Before this, dad had minimal contact with the boys, a few hours a week, with mom breaking the previous order on a continual basis and over litigating/filing false tro's and restraining orders every few months. The evaluator came down very hard on mom in her report. She stated that mom was in fact alienating the children, and mom was ordered to attend individual counseling min. 25 sessions. Mom's new boyfriend of a few months is ordered/not allowed to babysit the children at all due to children's statements to the evaluator about his badmouthing dad and verbally abusing the older child. At the hearing,mom stated she will be cutting her hours to 1 day/ week in order to keep dad from having the 3 days overnight when she would be at work.

Hours after the hearing, older boy contacted dad via email, telling dad to get online and talk. Dad told him he tried to call, but no answer. (BM only gives dad a cell #, and they have recently moved from grandma's home into an apartment with the new boyfriend). Older son told his dad,mom's not answering because she's at work. Dad asked where he was, he said at home with Dave (mom's bf). He asked where his brother was, and older boy said he was in his room. Dad called bm cell and left a message about her being at work and violating the court order. Dad also called police, but police couldn't do anything due to bm refusing to provide dad with her new address. About 20 min. later, son disappeared offline and never returned. A few hours later, dad received many text messages from mom, saying she wasn't at work, calling him a liar, and calling her son a liar. Son had no reason to lie, since he had no knowledge of the new order, or that mom was breaking it. Older son is now kicked off the computer for telling on mom, even though he has no idea why. Dad has no way to communicate with boys between visits. BM either doesn't answer or puts the boys on speaker and then complains the whole 2 minutes she allows them to talk that he is interfering with her time.

BM mom refuses to give dad copy of her work schedule when she receives it,  as ordered. She says her word should be good enough, and also that it is a violation of HIPAA law for the court to order her to give him a copy. The purpose of her giving him a copy, is because she cannot be trusted to be honest. She is very angry about the new order, and stated in several messages that the commissioner is not a real judge, and she never agreed for her to her the case. She doesn't feel she should have to follow the order. BM also refuses to give dad her new address, home #; he doesn't even know where she works.

My question I guess, is where do we go from here.? File for contempt, even though we were just in court a week ago?

 
Let me first say that my heart goes out to you, your husband, and his children.  What a nightmare situation for the children.  Now, that being said, how to get through it.  I agree with ocean, I would definitely file contempt charges against her for not following through on ROFR, among other things.  Documenting everything is very important. 
 
Since he has joint custody, he has every right to listed first or second on the emergency contact list for school.  I again agree with ocean that a new emergency card should be done with your husband's information listed.  You didn't say, but I am willing to bet she has not been sharing information from the school with your husband either, ie reports cards, etc.  I would provide the school with self addressed envelopes (including stamps) and request all information sent to the BM be sent to your husband as well.  This way, you are bypassing BM and will have all the correct information from the source. 
 
Best of luck to you.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
 
 

22
Second Families / Re: Our life- the soap opera- confused
« on: Aug 25, 2009, 09:07:42 PM »
My only question would be : do YOU ever watch the children? If dad goes out?  Just asking because then BM can state she does not want you with them alone. Maybe have it state after a certain number of hours, BM must use you.  ex "If mom or dad will be away more than 3 hours, father will have parenting time with children. Father supersedes ALL other people including spouses"

Yes, when my fiance is working- he makes BM aware he is scheduled to work, offering the children to her FIRST- she indicates she is not available.  At that point, he has the right to designate who will watch the children for him.  They are then with me.  He does not go "out" for the sake of going out, it is because he has to work.  He does not have a 9 to 5 job, nor is he off on weekends.  He is able to make sure he is off one of the days the children are with him on his designated weekend.  BM has not done this since they separated/divorced over three years ago.
 
You are correct, she could make a request not allowing me to watch the children.  Not sure how that would work out in her best interest though, since my fiance will insist on the same request in regards to her b/f.  My mom did that to my father.  In their custody arrangement, I was only allowed to visit with him when he was home, not when he was working.  She felt my visitation was with my father, not my father's g/f (at the time, now his wife, I was 10 when he left my mother for his current wife).
 
I agree with armycoppertop- my mate's former wife has been getting away with a lot, for way to long.  It is time to get this situation under control, through the courts.

23
Second Families / Re: Our life- the soap opera- confused
« on: Aug 24, 2009, 10:17:17 PM »
CuriousMom- we are in Lehigh County.
 
Thank you all for the suggestions.  I agree there should not be a double standard, if my fiance does not want to deal with her b/f, neither should BM communicate thru me.  I am going to share the posts with my fiance and see how he feels about it as well.
 
Our main issue for contempt is not honoring the right of first refusal. She works on the weekends that are her weekends for the children, therefore she should be offering them to their father FIRST- not using b/f as "babysitter".  If Dad is not available, then she has the right to decide who watches the children. 
 
In the first year of their separation, honestly, we had the children more then she did, because of the right of first refusal.  All changed when she moved in with her boyfriend.

24
Dear Socrateaser / Re: Court costs and such
« on: Aug 23, 2009, 07:23:27 PM »
Have you contacted a lawyer yet?  If you look through the yellow pages of your phone book for attorneys, some offer a free first consulation (usually for a half hour).  I would also check with the local bar association to see if there is a legal aid office in your area.  At least you would be able to explain the situation and see what the retainer would be and estimate of costs. 
 
It sounds like you would prefer to persue the modification without an attorney.  This may be hard to do if the BM is going to fight for custody. 
 
Currently, my fiance and I are persuing a modification to the CO in PA without an attorney.  His former wife does not have the funds either for an attorney ( by either I mean we do not have the funds either) so we feel we should be able to do this on our own.  From your post though, I am not sure going it alone in your case is in your best interest.

25
Second Families / Our life- the soap opera- confused
« on: Aug 21, 2009, 06:11:47 PM »
Today's events- BM picks children up from our house, her weekend.  My fiance checks the children's heads before they go back to Mom (supposedly mom found/treated lice this Monday)- does find nits (eggs) in oldest daughter only- oldest daughter was away at camp approx two weeks ago and treated for lice on Monday by BM- We keep the children away from the conversation (inside our place) and Dad explains to BM the possibility that lice (in this case) is not coming from either home- it happened at camp.  She acknowledges she let her bf interfere and get her all upset about it, and had she thought it through, she would of come to a different conclusion.  Based on this discussion, Dad requested to have day that was taken away from him (she called and said she was taking away a day because of the lice, this would also end the 50/50 split, and understand under the current CO, she has primary custody).  She seemed to agree to it, but we won't know for sure until that day actually happens. 
 
She was a totally different person today- but I have to say, I just don't trust her.  My fiance and I agree that he should still file for modification of the current CO, 'cause she has just now shown to us, on a whim, she will makes changes what has been verbally agreed upon because she can. 
 
Here is where my confusion comes in, we also wanted to file contempt charges against her, for several issues.  I know it sounds like we are being vindictive, but we have tried communicating with her, and I am tired of her Dr. Jeykll/Mr. Hyde personality.  She has not been honoring the right of first refusal for almost a year now, her actions for the past year have poisioned the minds of her children against their father, and she has her b/f communicating with my fiance instead of speaking to him directly.  We don't know whether we want to follow through with the contempt petition or not.  I'm afraid if we don't, her actions will continue and now we are allowing her to walk all over us.
 
I know this is just a small bit of information, but if you are able to review my other posts, you will see what we have been experiencing for the past two to three weeks.  Any thoughts/suggestions?

26
Visitation Issues / Re: I am new here.
« on: Aug 19, 2009, 07:00:37 PM »
Lovindad70- looking for a little clarification.  You are the father, and you have two children, from two different mothers, is that correct?  The first child is in the custody of grandmother.  Is that correct?  Second child is with your ex?  Has a custody order been placed for the second child?  What state do you reside in?
 
If there is no custody order for your second child I would say that is where you need to start along with hiring a lawyer (if financially possible).  If you feel your child is in danger, (physical danger that is), you may want to contact Social Services in your area.  I only recommend that if the child's physical welfare is at stake.  My fiance has had Social services contacted numerous times for false allegations so please don't contact them unless there really is an issue. 
 
I understand your feelings of hopelessness.  We (my fiance and I) have been there a lot recently.  The best thing you can do is fight for your children.  They have a right to be with both parents.  I've foud this site to be extremely helpful, for information and emotional support.

27
Visitation Issues / Re: How much time should I get?
« on: Aug 19, 2009, 06:36:35 PM »
I am sure you feel the time you are proposing to your ex is not enough time with your daughter and I certainly would agree with you.  If this works with your work schedule though, I would definitely go ahead and present it to her through her attorney and see what happens.  She might surprise you and agree.  I know, that is probably wishful thinking on my part but I try to look at the brighter side of things.  The worst thing that will happen is she won't and you will have to go to court. 
 
What state do you reside in?  The problem you have right now is you don't have anything permanent yet, so she may end up getting away with going to her sister's and interfering with your visiting schedule.  Understand, I do not feel she is doing the right thing.  Your daughter needs to spend time with both her parents.   I do know, once you have a final CO filed, and she did not follow it, you would have grounds for contempt. 
 
Hope this helps.  Good luck!

28
Custody Issues / Re: Ex insisting on a custody trial again
« on: Aug 19, 2009, 06:26:10 PM »
"Keeping in mind, he is also the one who demanded we go thru Domestics"

Honestly, it is in both your best interests that CS comes from DR.  This way, you will receive payment (as long as he is working) since DR will take it directly from his paycheck and it is traceable.  I believe you said he is currently unemployed though.  He still has to report the unemployment income and I wouldn't be surprised if the state automaticly pulled it out as well and forwarded it to DR. 

I can only speak from my own parents divorce/CS issues and my fiance's custody issues.  Most times in PA the CO is established by the conference with the mediator.  Honestly, I thought my fiance was going to have to go to trial, because a third party is involved in his custody (long story).  In your case, I have no idea what he hopes to accomplish by going to trial.  Since your order is so new, there can't really be a change in circumstance.

I don't know about you, but I was reading PA's statues last night and getting a headache.  Not sure if you came across it in your research but I am looking for anything regarding Children and Youth in the statues and was not able to locate anything.  I did find a wonderful website that helped generate the necessary forms for modification of custody and contempt, palawhelp.  Have you looked at this site at all?

I totally understand your feeling of it getting old.  I know all you want is what is best for your son.  I know you feel your ex does not.  I had to calm my fiance down on Monday and question if what he wanted to do was in the best interest of his children.  My statement brought him back to his senses.  It's hard when you are trying to deal with your own feelings about your former mate along with doing what is best for your children.

Best of luck to you.

29
Actually- yesterday is the first time BM has ever said the children had lice coming from our home (directly to us).  When there, she stated it has been happening ALL summer and that the school released them early (summer school) because of it.  This makes no sense, since the final report for summer school indicated that they had perfect attendance and made no mention of issues for lice.  Our address and phone numbers are provided to the school because we live in the area of the school they are attending. We were also informed by the school, as long as the 50/50 split, it is ok for the children to still attend the same school.   BM elected to move across town and if she used her info, they would end up changing schools. Dad plans to contact the school to find out if BM statement is correct or not.  He is also requesting something in writing from the school about this allegation.
 
Mom has say on Wednesdays because she has primary physical custody according to the current CO.  There is a line in the CO requiring the custody schedule to be flexible and open for the benefit and best interests of the minor children.  Dad is in the process of filing a modification to the current CO to reflect the current verbal agreement of having the children 50% of the time.  Dad feels BM is using the lice as an excuse to deny a day and change time due to pending CS action. 

30
Hi All. 
 
Looking for some advice and also a place to vent.  Yesterday was another day from hell.  My fiance's children were returned to their BM yesterday (normal return day after his weekend) at 3:00 pm.  We proceeded to visit our local courthouse law library for info on filing modification of CO, contempt of court for CO, and general CS info.  While we are there, my fiance receives a voicemail message on his cell phone.  Once we are out of the courthouse and on our way for dinner, he listens to the message on speakerphone from his former wife.  She indicates he returned the children with bugs (aka) lice and because of this, she is taking away his normal Wednesdays with his children.  I proceed to tell him we are immediately going to her house to see these supposed bugs.  Understand the other week we just went through  yet another visit from C&Y stating children always have lice from our home and his ill treatment of daughter's bed wetting issues.  He calls her, questioning the lice issue and tells her he is on his way to see them, she says no he isn't, she won't let him see them and hangs up on him.  We get there, he goes to the door, and BM bf answers instead of BM.  Discussion goes on about lice, and bf brings out a white sheet of paper with supposed bugs.  His son comes to the door and bf orders him back in the house.  My fiance request to see BM is finally honored and she comes out yelling at him.  She claims children (there are three) have had lice throughout the summer.  This is the first time he is hearing of it. He reminds her, per CO, he is to be informed whenever there is a medical issue with the children, just like he is to inform her if there is an issue with the children when in his care. 
 
Background info- his children have been having issues with lice on and off since BM moved into her bf's home in June of 2008.  Prior to this, NO issues of lice. 
 
Unfortunately, until the current CO is modified, she is able to stop him from seeing the children on Wednesdays.  Sad part is his children requested to be with him that day. 
 
FYI- after looking at supposed bugs on white paper- we both agree there is no way it is lice bugs.  My first thought, is it looks like seeds, or some kind of seasoning.  Other thought that crossed my mind is it kinda looked like weed.  We have had experience in looking at lice because of all the issues with it for the past year.  We tried to see a social worker at C&Y- but this all happened around 5:00 pm- their office was closed. 
 
My fear- we will once again be harassed with another social worker visit.  Once again, she has tried to make him look bad not only in front of me, but in front of his own children.
 
She has recently submitted a request via DR for CS.  When she moved in with her bf, she agreed to 50/50 custody arrangement, since she was moving her three children in with her b/f's three children.  (Originally she was going to give him full custody, but changed her mind). She also agreed to stop CS (that was done in writing, after he petitioned for a modification in support due to having the children 50% of the time).  Unfortunately, this change was only done verbally.  This is why we were at the courthouse.  He realizes it needs to be in writing at this point.  I am sure she will fight it.  We can only hope that since this arrangement has been in place for a year and working, the courts will allow it to continue.  (We reside in PA). 
 
Has anyone else had to deal with constant harrassment from C&Y due to false allegations?  From all my research, it appears that nothing ever happens to the false accuser once the case is determined to be unfounded.
 
Any info/advice is appreciated- as long as I am not being slammed since I am a biological parent.

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