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Author Topic: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*  (Read 4829 times)

KND

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Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« on: Jan 09, 2004, 09:42:07 PM »
Hey everyone. I haven't been active on the boards for a while, but hopefully a few will remember me and know as you read this post that I am a 100% die hard fathers rights advocate. That being said...I'm going CRAZY!

Short background info is that my husband was in a really bad car accident back in April that left him with a head injury and on plenty of medication. We have custody of his 2 kids (13g and 10b-both have totally uninvolved BMs) and we have a 2.5yo together. He has been becoming steadily uninvolved since the car accident regarding our relationship and his involvement with the kids, and other than talking him into taking one of the kids to an appointment on occasion or something, he literally does nothing with them. If I leave the kids with him, he has the 13yo TOTALLY taking responsibility for the 2.5yo and 10yo, even down to meals, supervising, bathing, dressing etc.

About a week before Christmas he decided to stop taking this medication cold turkey (bad idea) and proceeded to get violent with the 13yo. He blew up at her and picked her up by her ears and just screamed bloody murder at her, shaking her around and then shoving her down onto her bed and into the corner of her room. I intervened as best I could to get him to leave her alone (she hadn't done ANYTHING wrong, and I'd be the first to say she did if she had) and I told him to leave until he got some help. He left 4 days before Christmas and stayed with some friends. He called twice and said he wanted to know if he could come home, to which I let him know that as soon as he was back on his meds and cooperating with treatment (there is a brain injury clinic he was supposed to be in) that he was more than welcome to come home. He proceeded to do nothing. Didn't make any phone calls, didn't stay on his meds, not a damn thing. Christmas came and went with him insinuating that if I didnt let him come home he wouldn't come over to see the kids for Christmas. I told him that was his decision, and while I thought it was a bad one he was more than welcome to do as he pleased, as I have no interest in playing mind games with him. He did come over Christmas morning, but proceeded to just sit on the couch and didn't speak to any of us.

The Monday after Christmas he called and told me he was on his meds and enrolled in the outpatient treatment and wanted to come talk to me. He came over for about 30 minutes and proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to come home, and he didnt think he was going to. Now...to back up a little, he told me back in August (our anniversary, incidently) that since the head injury he had been feeling more and more like leaving our family, and that he wanted to work on saving the money for him to get an apartment. While I was very upset, I understand his need for space and said I would support whatever he felt was best. We agreed at the time that we would stay friends and just take it a step at a time.

Fast forward to present day. He has been gone since before Christmas, and has not spent time with the kids whatsoever. He was supposed to take them last weekend but kept cancelling, saying he was sick. As sick as he was, he managed to be over at his sister's house watching a movie and hanging out for the night. He then rescheduled taking the kids to the museum three times this week, and finally settled on taking them today from 2-5. Please keep in mind that I would LOVE for him to spend time with the kids every DAY, but obviously I'm setting myself up for disappointment with that one. Anyways, he showed up at 4pm (was supposed to be here at 2), and had the nerve to act irritated that the kids weren't ready to go. Well DUH I THOUGHT HE BLEW THEM OFF AGAIN!!! I hadn't even told them they were going because it has disappointed them so much when he's canceled. I got everyone ready to go (yes, I apologized for them not being ready) and told him not to worry about how late they were out because they didn't get going on time and I didn't want him to feel rushed with them. He said he'd bring them back in a couple of hours. Keep in mind he hasn't spent time with them AT ALL since before Christmas, and even then he didn't do anything with them for months.

He called me at 5pm and said he wanted to take them to McD's to play, but he didn't have any money, so could I give him some money? Sure. I've got a non stop cash flow out of my ass right now, no problem. Anyways, sarcasm was NOT used and I said no problem and gave him $20 to take them to McD's. He comes to get it, heads to the bank, and they get there about 5:30. I finally get going to the grocery store and he calls me at 6 saying he's done with the kids so where is he supposed to drop them off since no one is home???? Well WTF???? I said ok, why dont you stay with them for a few minutes so I can get done at the store and I'll be home. He says no, he'll just bring them up to the store where I'm at so he can get going. AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! So he brings them to the store, I am then dealing with 3 kids at a freaking grocery store, and my toddler is a BASKET CASE screaming "want Daddy, More Daddy, Pleaaaaasee more Daddy" and there's not a God Damn Thing I can do about it. So, to hell with getting the damn groceries, I have to track down my 10yo who is now wandering the store aimlessly because he's upset that he didn't get any time with just him and his dad, my 13yo has MASSIVE attitude because her dad usually takes her cookie selling for girl scouts and probably wont this year, and my toddler is having what amounts to a nuclear meltdown in aisle 8.

I corralled the kids (after having my son paged over the intercom-he was crying in the store restaraunt area in the dark and we couldn't find him), wrestled a now BAWLING 2 year old who is pleading to ride in every car that looks like her dad's (screaming "Stay Daddy, Please Stay" as the cars drive off), and convincing my VERY sullen 13yo that her attitude is not helping matters. I drive home from the store in tears and just totally overwhelmed with the entire situation. He doesn't want to be a part of our life anymore, my kids are dealing with the fact that neither of their biological parents want them, and my 2yo is heartbroken that her Daddy is gone and wont come back.

Emotionally I am beyond knowing what to do. I am functioning in survival mode at best, and I'm just holding onto my last available nerve. Everything in me wants to just scream at him and shake him for what he is doing to these kids, and yet I know if I do he'll pull away more than he already has. For the love of God, even keeping them for an extra half hour was too much!!!!!!!! What the hell is his problem??? I am so angry, and so hurt, and so frustrated!!!!!!! I just want to get away from the insanity for a little while. I can't even get a break from the kids at all because he wont even stay with them for an hour, and I'm using all of my 'free sitter' points with my mom and my friends just so I can get errands done. I am just so hurt and so drained, and while I've gently tried to point this out to him, he just replies that I'm doing a fine job and he'll talk to me later. In other words....who cares.

I'll post more later, I just needed to vent. It takes every bone in my body to NOT turn into a PBFH, and I know I could never, just because I really want him to be involved with these kids. He's already said he wants me to keep the kids, he doesn't even want them every other weekend. He said he'll call when he plans on taking them somewhere. I asked him how often that would be and he said, "Oh, I dunno, maybe every few weeks or so, we'll see". GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Ok, I'm done bitching for now. I'm so frustrated with all of this....I'll be online again later tonight but for now I have to work on 2yo getting some sleep. Thanks for listening if you got this far without pounding that back button. I guess I just dont know where else to turn right now, and this site has always been amazing.

Take care everyone, lots of love to all of you-keep fighting for those kids!

KND


lucky

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RE: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« Reply #1 on: Jan 10, 2004, 12:36:48 AM »
(((((KND)))))  

I will definitely keep you and your kids -- and your dh -- in my prayers.
Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. ~  Will Rogers

hagatha

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What can I say . . .
« Reply #2 on: Jan 10, 2004, 03:22:24 AM »
K,

Oh sweety, I wish things could be so much better for you!

I wish there was something I could say to make things different. You already know what has been going on so maybe you just need to hear them again.

You are not married to the Iceman anymore. That wonderful guy got lost somewhere when the accident happened.  :(  Someone else took his place.  I am thinking the best thing you can do for yourself and the kids is therapy. You all need to come to terms with the changes he is making and understand the new person inhabiting his body. And be able to deal with the new person he has become.  You and the kids have to be able to not take his rejection personally cause the one doing the rejection is Not the one you all love and need. That guy isn't there anymore and this new guy isn't connected with y'all in the same ways.

I do think you should stick to your guns about his involvement with the head injury group and the meds. He still needs to be accountable for his actions, good and bad. I don't see this as interfering with his ability to parent, That is insuring the kids are safe while in his care.


We are all here for you, as always. So lean on us whenever you need a shoulder.

Hag
Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

1angrystepmom

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RE: ((HUGS))
« Reply #3 on: Jan 10, 2004, 04:38:22 AM »
BTDT My Dear....

e-mail me, as I have some suggestions, that worked for us, but things are a bit sensitive with DH *also suffers from "traumatic brain injury."  
amber1971@earthlink.net

Indigo Mom

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RE: WOW!
« Reply #4 on: Jan 10, 2004, 10:43:44 AM »
You have the kind of strength most people pray for!  You're amazing, do you realize that?  Holy cow!!!!  Hold your head up high, because you will make it!!!!

As for your husband...he's probably so down and out because of the accident that he doesn't "feel" like a man.  I know when my ol man injured himself so bad he was out of work for 2 months...he turned into a beast.  I mean, a real jerk!  When he did go back (early, btw) he said how much "better" he felt because he was back to taking care of his family.  If your husband has a brain injury, he not only needs to go to the clinic, but get therapy as well.  He needs to feel that he's still ok...even though he can't do what he's used to doing.  (i know you know all this, too)  People who are depressed tend to make their own problems worse...so don't help in that department, he'll destroy himself further on his own.  Help him with the kids as much as possible...let him know he's not any type of failure.  

I would suggest that you accept he's a different person now...through no fault of his own or yours.  Try and work with him regarding the children.  I can't imagine how "low" he feels now, but do know that my hub pushed both me and the kiddo's away when he was hurt.  

Now, YOU!  You need to get your family to take those kids for a while so you can go get spoiled at some day spa!  After all you're going through, the emotional stress...you deserve to be pampered like a Queen!

I bow down to you and wish you'd give me tips on getting the strength you have.  


KND

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RE: What can I say . . .
« Reply #5 on: Jan 10, 2004, 01:45:14 PM »
I agree completely with the fact that he's a totally different person now. He used to be unbelievably devoted to the kids, and the baby was his princess. Now it's like even being around them is too much for him, and actually parenting them is out of the question. He has already said he wants a divorce, and the wait on that is simply because we are working on my adopting Little One (10yo) so I can have legal custody of him and it will all be official. Lord only knows when that is going to be able to happen, as I certainly dont have the money for it. Until then we are married, but only legally. Emotionally and physically he's been gone for months, and now that he's detached so much from me and the kids I don't think I could go back to having feelings anymore anyways. Not that it matters much, he has told me several times that he's not in love with me anymore, and he wants nothing more than to be a bachelor and live alone. He has said it is really important to him that we stay friends, so regardless of how angry and hurt I feel I need to keep it in perspective. I'm at the point that whatever makes him happy is fine with me, since the way I see it is that the sooner he's happy the sooner he might take an interest in his kids again, even on a small level.

I do pretty good with not taking it personally, I think because I really do understand that brain injury people can go through a total personality overhaul and it really isn't his (or my) fault whatsoever. It just kills me when the kids need him so much and he walks away from them. I'm an adult, I'll get over it and move on with my life...these kids have already been through hell and I hate to see them go through this. As for the baby, well I guess I was hoping this was one child that would never be named in a custody order, but apparently I was mistaken. For that I am truly sad, and the heartache that I see in her eyes when she cries and begs for him is sometimes too much to bear.

Thanks for the support Hag, you are also an amazing woman with so much to give everyone, and I know you've been through the wringer yourself. Take care, I'll keep in touch.

Luv Ya Babe!
KND

KND

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RE: ((HUGS))
« Reply #6 on: Jan 10, 2004, 01:45:50 PM »
Email on it's way :)

KND

KND

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RE: WOW!
« Reply #7 on: Jan 10, 2004, 01:54:44 PM »
"You have the kind of strength most people pray for!"

Ok, thanks for the laugh LOL! I wouldn't call it strength, I feel like I'm grasping at the edge of a cliff trying not to fall off, and fate is just standing on my fingers harder every day! Sheeesh!

Iceman is definitely in a bad depression because of the accident. He hasn't been able to work for months, and although social security told him they agree he can't do skilled labor, work without constant supervision, or do any work that requires memory/concentration/planning.....they don't think he's disabled. ARGGHH! Anyways we've got a lawyer and it's on appeal. I tell him every time he shows any interest in the kids how much it means to them and to me, and I try hard not to push the issue because I don't want him to feel like he's screwing one more thing up. I know he is trying to figure out who he is and where he fits into everything, so I am as supportive as I can be considering the circumstances. Since he isn't working, our income is virtually nonexistent, so that's just one more thing that makes him feel bad.

We are all in therapy at this point, me and the kids are seeing our old marriage counselor and Iceman is seeing someone at the TBI clinic. As for getting a break, I'm working on heading out of town for a weekend to see my Aunt, whom I haven't seen in YEARS. I'd have to take the baby with me, as she's a total basket case right now without me, but the older ones can stay with a friend for the weekend. I just have to figure out how to make the money work and I'm outta here! I know I need a break from this, my stress level is definitely carrying over to the kids, and they pick up on it so easily.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, it means alot right now and I really appreciate it. Take care, I'll post more later.

KND

Nextmother

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((((((((KND))))))))))
« Reply #8 on: Jan 10, 2004, 02:13:06 PM »
Sweetie, I don't really have any advice for you other that what the others have already told you, but please know that we are here for you. DH and I will keep you and your little ones in our prayers.

What is the deal with LO's adoption? Is the BM contesting it or would she sign consent papers? If she is willing to sign the papers, it should cost you nothing more than the filing fee's at the court house to get the adoption done. That was how we did it for DH to adopt my kids and for me to adopt former SD.

Good luck and kiss those kiddo's for us!!

Next

KND

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RE: ((((((((KND))))))))))
« Reply #9 on: Jan 10, 2004, 05:31:10 PM »
Thanks so much for your hugs, it really helps to talk to you guys again. LO's adoption is severely hampered by the fact that we can't locate BM whatsoever, therefore we can't get her served with papers at all, much less get her to consent to them.

Besides, she's so evil that she'd fight it just to see us spend the money. Ugh. Anyways, it's a battle in progress. I'm doing some 'dirty work' to track her down, and I have an old friend willing to serve her with papers the moment we find her. It's just a matter of tracking the old bat down.


Thanks for everything :)

KND

MKx2

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RE: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« Reply #10 on: Jan 10, 2004, 05:53:37 PM »
Wasn't on these boards when you were previously active, but I'm glad you've come back here in your time of need!

Bless your heart!  I am so sorry that the world seems to be dumping every difficult thing it can find for you right in your face ... and I'm also so sorry to hear about all of DH's struggles right now.

Hang in there KND ... ya know, we're never given more than we can handle - just sometimes I wonder who sets the bar on where that amount is for us!

Post often and let us know how things are going - and get that weekend way as SOON as you can!  You need it, and so do the kids.

((((((((KND & family)))))))))

Indigo Mom

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RE: I don't know what an "LO" is...
« Reply #11 on: Jan 10, 2004, 06:07:32 PM »
But I have to assume it's a child...LOL

I knew someone who allowed her child to be adopted by a friends sister.  The mother was a crack addict and wanted nothing to do with her kids.  She gave one to the father, one to her mother, and the middle child was going somewhere else.  The middle child was the only one that was being adopted.  

Obviously there's a father somewhere.  (her kids had different dads)What her lawyer did was have her put an ad in a newspaper where the guy was last known to live.  So, she did this...in New York.  (turns out she knew the father was in Texas, but didn't want the adoption to be stalled)  I can't remember how long, but the father had X amount of days to respond...and that's IF he even read the paper.

When he didn't respond, the adoption went through.  You might want to talk to someone about doing this same thing.  Well, do it the right way...no deception like this crack head did.


MKx2

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LO = "Little One" (DH's son) ...
« Reply #12 on: Jan 10, 2004, 06:21:37 PM »
LOL - I had to go back and read her posts to find it!

Oh well ... Blonde Brain Syndrome here - hope you haven't caught it from me Indy!

KND

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RE: I don't know what an
« Reply #13 on: Jan 10, 2004, 06:24:57 PM »
"LO" stands for Little One, which is the name I gave our li'l booger during the neverending hell on wheels custody battle. Since I was talking about him CONSTANTLY online, it was just a cute little nick I came up with to identify him seperately from SD.

I don't know about publishing it in the paper, I think there is something about parental terminations in our state that makes that a problem? I'm not for sure though and I'm working on affording an attorney that can help with this, as it's very frustrating. I know that CSE can't even find her to get her served with contempt papers (she's 11 thousand in arrears) and for some reason they can't publish it. I dont pretend to understand though, so it's a work in progress. I do know that the GAL is in full support of adoption, so at least that part is settled.

Thanks for the tips-take care!

KND

KND

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RE: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« Reply #14 on: Jan 10, 2004, 06:26:33 PM »
"we're never given more than we can handle - just sometimes I wonder who sets the bar on where that amount is for us"

Yeah, and when I find whoever is in charge of setting that bar I'm gonna WRING THEIR NECK!!!

Thanks for the support...

KND

MKx2

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RE: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« Reply #15 on: Jan 10, 2004, 06:32:06 PM »
[em]Yeah, and when I find whoever is in charge of setting that bar I'm gonna WRING THEIR NECK!!![/em]

Hey!  save a bit of the fun for me, will ya?

gmaoftwo

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KND, I'm sooooo sorry to hear this...
« Reply #16 on: Jan 10, 2004, 09:55:18 PM »
What a nightmare for your family to have to go through!  Everyone here has given you good advice, especially about your family needing to be in therapy.  That can be very helpful, but it does take time.

You are your family's strength right now, so do be sure to take care of yourself, as the others have suggested.  And even though you may feel like you're about to go crazy, you are actually stronger than you know.

Sometimes all you can do is to focus on each day as it comes, make the best of it and not worry too much about the future.

Lean on us KND, we care!!!

MYSONSDAD

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RE: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« Reply #17 on: Jan 11, 2004, 12:05:39 AM »
I did not know you when you where on the board before. I truly feel for what your family is going thru. My prayers to you and yours. Just take one step at a time. God only gives you what you can handle.

One thing that I get from your post. Could your husband be having an adverse reaction to his medication? I would be letting his doctor know what's going on. Is any kind of depressant included that your not aware of?

nosonew

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RE: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« Reply #18 on: Jan 11, 2004, 08:57:21 AM »
I had a friend who's hubby was injured on the job.  It affected him physically and mentally. He also changed, due to the brain injury, and due to depression, it's been 6 years since the accident, he's healed physically (took 3 years) and just now is looking for a job because she couldn't take it anymore and kicked him out.  Tough love she said. But he is finally getting his act together now that she isn't doing everything for him. I guess it's the sink or swim thing with them.  

I can't imagine going thru what you are going thru.  I guess on the bright side, I guess it's good that you aren't losing your skids that you love as your own.  

I doubt he is having a bad reaction to the meds, he probably just doesn't "know" what normal is due to the brain injury and "forgets" that normal is when he does take the meds. Alot like with schitzophrenics, they start feeling good so they stop taking meds, then they are back to square one and don't know it.  

Hopefully he will be compliant with his doctors orders and with time, his brain will continue to heal.  Who knows to what extent, it sometimes takes years.  

Hang in there!  My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

StPaulieGirl

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RE: Welcome to single motherhood. *sigh*
« Reply #19 on: Jan 11, 2004, 12:46:12 PM »
What a difficult situation for all of you.  I hope your husband is sticking to doctor's orders regarding his meds at least.  

I'm not too familiar with brain injuries caused by trauma, but I'm familiar with Alzheimers.  I wouldn't insist or even suggest that your husband watch the kids.  It's too unpredictible.  They turn into people you don't know anymore, that much I know.  

I would be surprised if you used up all your babysitting points with your mom and friends.  This is a family crisis, and I'm sure that they'll support you through this.

Have you spoken with your husband's doctor?  Maybe the doctor can give you some kind of help or information.  There are probably support groups out there.  Like me and Alzheimer's support groups, you're probably juggling too many things to get the time to go :-(

I would definitely talk with your husband's doctor, though.  Don't worry about venting.  This is a really traumatic time in you and the kids lives.  I feel bad for your husband, too.  He's basically lost himself.

Take care, KND!

 

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