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Author Topic: What are the chances?  (Read 1437 times)

dipper

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What are the chances?
« on: Dec 10, 2004, 10:57:38 PM »
BM moved two hours away in June.  Until then, ss was split 50/50.  now, dh only sees ss six days a month.  SS (then 12) wanted to stay with dh, but bm had lawyer and dh didnt.  SS is now 13.  He has made some friends and seems okay.  But, he still says he wants to live here.  He is doing okay in school, but he is in all special ed classes as opposed to a mixture when he lived in this county.  however, he makes A's in classwork, but doesnt do any homework.  BM doesnt let him bring books on weekends.  One time she allowed dh to pick him up from school, so he did homework that weekend while here.  BM does not make him do homework.  I know he is 13, but who is the parent?  And, if she tries and he doesnt, he should be punished.  She has never made him do homework.  She doesnt take time to help him, even though he needs it.

As stated in prior post, counselor thinks bm is great and as much as said her opinion is that he should stay where he is.  (She thinks he wants to stay there.)

SS has always had behavior problems, but never been suspended twice in this short of a time period.  

People are reluctant to get involved in this type of thing, so we have no 'dirt' on bm.  We have alot to show that she cuts dh out of ss' life as far as decisions....she does let him see ss on his scheduled visitations, but she controls every minute as their are no times listed on order.....

Is there any chance of a judge allowing this 13 year old to live with his dad - thus, moving the child in the middle of the school year even if the child is doing okay at present school?


shawneetears

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RE: What are the chances?
« Reply #1 on: Dec 13, 2004, 01:07:59 AM »
I know how frustrating this change is.  But, As you know, the courts are reluctant to make changes unless there really is a good reason.... from what you have said I don't really see one at this time.  His grades are good, the school doesn't see a problem and given that there has been a recent move, it is unlikely the suspensions are going to be considered a big issue.....
It all hinges on what exactly is specified in the custody order.  If BM is not complying with the order that is probably going to be your only recourse with the courts at this point.  They may or may not give SS preference any weight. Just keep documenting for now.  
If the order does not give spell it out clearly, such as giving any specific dates/times for visitation and because of this there is a conflict, then you might ask for a modification/clarification.  Most places will require mediation however, since BM is farther away they may skip that.  If at all possible see if BM will work out an agreement first....it's worth a shot, and better than dragging everyone into court.


wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

dipper

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RE: What are the chances?
« Reply #2 on: Dec 13, 2004, 07:31:49 AM »
Hi and thanks for your reply!  However, let me state that this date in court was set in June as the judge issued a temporary order at that time.  When dh found out bm was moving - he only wanted to do as ss wished - and ss did not want to go.  Bm had been looking under the pretense of helping her brother hunt for an apartment.  As joint legal implies that dh was to have input into any changes in school, she was wrong to have done that.   DH only sought primary as the child wanted to stay here -and he wrote this as well as stating that he did not want to question her ability.  In court, her lawyer trashed every move dh has ever made.  He even brought up past drug use - which according to dh's now attorney was actually inadmissable as it was prior to the current order. (not to mention bm had did drugs in past as well)

The judge did instruct bm in court to give dh all info concerning ss.  She has not provided one thing without a written request.  In her letters, she states as much and many times states things as 'I decided' showing that dh has not input at all in ss' life.  No matter what dh requests, she alters it.  Now, its obvious that its done to show just who is boss.  I am talking EVERY request.  DH wanted to pick ss up at school - she refused.  Although she did allow this on another day.  She picks ss up at 6 on Sundays, thus getting him home at 8.  DH HAS to have him home by 6 on Sundays 'to get ready for school the next day.'  As she keeps him out until 9:30 most nights, including Sundays - and as he does no homework, what is the purpose of him having to be home by 6 when dh takes him.

SS is 13 and still says he wants to live with dh.  He is growing and would benefit from a stable male figure.  Here, he would do homework or be grounded.  

He has always gotten into trouble - but never this much so fast.  It may because of adjusting, or it may be due to rebellion.  We really believe if he is forced to stay there, he will get into serious trouble at some point.  We do not want him to be sent to us after he is already out of control.

Thank you

dipper

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RE: By the way.....
« Reply #3 on: Dec 13, 2004, 08:02:21 AM »
The school does have a problem.  SS' teachers are wonderful!!!  They keep saying that ss needs to do homework.  One of his teachers wrote via email that he was not doing homework and seemed disinterested, and that he needed encouragement to stay in school as well as a set time for homework.  He had been disruptive and gotten in trouble.

Another teacher told us that his class grades were good, but he didnt do anything at home and thus, his grades were lower than they should be.  She was going to contact the bm about his homework.  She has since then had to put him into detention for being so disruptive.

Another.....He had already talked with bm about homework as ss told him that he has to stay at his mom's store and didnt get to do homework.  BM told teacher that he was at the store, but didnt do anything.  Since then, the teacher has emailed us stating that ss was not doing homework.  He has requested another IEP meeting - although one was just done in October. That is when they switched him to all special ed classes - and dh was not notified prior or after the meeting (he had not made contact with school at that time).  It took a written request and four weeks for bm to share that info with him.  This is exactly the type of thing she would use against him in court - that he did not even know ss' schedule had changed.....

So, yes, we do have emails where the school definitely has problems.  As a matter of fact, we first went to the school in October - and the guidance counselor gave us a form to fill out for a 'special school.'  This is for problem children.  Told me we should fill it out and keep it on hand.  This other school is public according to one source, but it does speak of fees and uniforms.

:)

Lawmoe

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RE: What are the chances?
« Reply #4 on: Dec 17, 2004, 11:01:17 AM »
Based on those facts, the chances for a change in custody are not likely,. There is little there to overide the presumptiion applicable in most states that custody should notbe changed.


shawneetears

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RE: What are the chances?
« Reply #5 on: Dec 19, 2004, 11:14:13 PM »
I do empathise with you 100%.  More of a case of been there done that....  I still feel it very unlikely that the judge will be inclined to change anything especially since there has been a recent move. I am not saying it is impossible...and if SS tells judge he wants to stay with BD and not BM then the chance increases...  but unless you can give something more concrete...like worsening grades and docummented problems in school etc then it isn't likely to happen just yet.

As for the rest....  well as one judge put it.... it's not illegal to be a ###hole.  Yes, it is about control and it is good that you recognize that BM is insecure.  Don't fret overly about the way she words letters...you know the truth of it.  It is rather obvious that she is not promoting a working relationship....if she were she wouldn't continually work to push your buttons.  You have to pick your battles.  

Your best bet is to go strictly by the court order. If the order has become a problem since the move then you need to get it modified.... the time issues can be brought up at that time.  A modification will definately be easier than a change in custody.  There has been a significant change in circumstances which would warrant a slight change in the visitation....such as the need for more time because of the travel involved (how about bm picks him up at 6 when she provides the transportations and you have him home by 8 when you drop him off....let the judge hash that one out).  But for now there isn't enough to show that a complete change in custody is needed.  You can wait till the end of the school year and see what happens or work on getting the modification now.

If BM is not complying with the order then you can file contempt charges.  Just be sure you and DH are in compliance.

I know it is frustrating.  And I do understand about not wanting to have the child thrust on you after there are problems when you wanted to be able to prevent them in the first place. It seems the answers are never easy.
 
wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

 

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