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Author Topic: My daughter rejects me openly. I'm hacked.  (Read 11587 times)

ksmarks

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Re: My daughter rejects me openly. I'm hacked.
« Reply #10 on: Jun 18, 2009, 05:48:46 PM »
I'd like to reiterate the therapy issue, counseling for both you and your child would be my recomendation, however, you need to talk to a therapist regarding how you are feeling.
 
Also, it read to me as though your daughter is good with your wife, if that is the case; then I would suggest that you just give your daughter a little room to grow, and continue to be supportive and loving.
 
Word of caution though, my step daughter was very  close to me when my husband and I married, her mother used and twisted it to the point that the kid questioned everything in her life.   Can I say again, therapy?
 
I agree with other posters, you can not yell at your child, you can however, stop and say hello, if you don't her mother might attempt to convince her that you were not present.   My 20 year old step daughter was convinced that dad never went to her functions until this year at Christmas when I handed her the two bulging file folders containing all of the programs.
 
 Best Wishes to all three of you!  (You, your daughter and your wife)
 
K
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Rave

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Re: My daughter rejects me openly. I'm hacked.
« Reply #11 on: Jun 25, 2009, 06:44:49 AM »
I think therapy is the way to go.

Humans rarely successfully verbalize what they really mean.  Children can be expected to have even less skill in this area.  In addition, kids grow up having certain belief systems based on their interpretation of events and relationships during their youth.  There is too much room for miscommunication, wrong interpretation, exaggerated beliefs and hurt feelings without open communication.  If you aren't a trained psychotherapist, there's a good chance your efforts could backfire.  And I agree with the posters below, that the talk with your 8-yr-old about it being wrong that she doesn't show you the right amount of affection, probably wasn't age appropriate.

I watched a similar scenario play out.  DH's ex filled their 3 daughter's minds with negatives about their father.  Therapy was never considered (except one time when we had 1 of them live with us, and it was my idea to foster open communication, and it helped).   All 3 have been extremely loyal to their mother, despite allegations of abuse (they lived in another country with her, so nobody really knows what happened). 

Along the way, all three exhibited behavior which most adults would not tolerate.  However, because they were stepchildren and because my husband felt the typical guilt feelings, their behaviors were not addressed.  Likewise, since my DH didn't address their behaviors, I couldn't really either because I'd just be the classic evil stepwitch.  So I wound up sick to my stomach each time they'd come to visit, take over our home and deliberately be nasty to me and our son.

For many years, I looked forward to the day when they would become adults and stop the hate campaign.  Their ages are now 27, 25 & 22.  Unfortunately, since noone addressed their behavior, they grew to believe it was acceptable.  A few years ago, I pulled back.  I rarely see them.  In my mind, their lack of maturity is no excuse for continued abuse towards me.  My DH can see them when he wants, and they can visit us anytime they want (although they never do, since it's much more difficult to get away with obvious obnoxious behavior under our roof).  The oldest and the youngest sort of get it now.  They can at least be civil to my face and I don't care what else they think or say. 

The middle one, however, is the lone holdout.  She is still a small child trapped in an adult's body.  She's the consummate victim, she blames others for everything that happens to her and she has a horrible track record of maintaining any sort of relationships.  She's known as the "sensitive" one, yet can muster up more venom in an instant than a pitbull.  She constantly stirs the pot by having her sisters or her grandmother pass on nasty messages or accusations about me.  Her world revolves around her.  That's natural for small children, but is considered arrested development when it continues at her age.

My point is, as her parent, one of your responsibilities is to teach her how to have successful relationships.  I tried raising that red flag long ago.  Unfortunately, my DH was more concerned with only having positive experiences with them than teaching them.  I told him I predicted they'd all have troubles in relationships if they grew up thinking they were justified in treating others with complete disdain and disrespect.  Again, guilt won.  Now, my DH is not too pleased with their behavior.   They constantly do things that remind him of the opportunities he passed on to teach them.  Although 2 of his daughters have learned to act civil to my face, all three are stuck in "survival mode".   When someone can't think of others, it makes having any sort of relationship difficult and usually short-lived. 

Disney Dads do their children no favors.  Stepfamilies are far too complicated for the majority of individuals to deal with successfully.  Therapy should be mandated for all.   

And for stepmothers, how easy it is for us to be demonized!!  Wow, I was a she-devil the minute I got married, literally.  We had our wedding out of state.  DH didn't want to complicate HIS normal summer visit with the kids, whom he flew to the states for 6 weeks in the summer (along with their mother), with our wedding.  They went back home in August.  We got married in October.  Found out later, they all despised ME for not inviting them to be IN MY wedding.   This was apparently a HUGE factor in the uprising of their hate campaign for me.   It was DH's decision, as part of his mission to shield his young children from the acceptance that he was getting remarried (all 3 children hung on to the hope that he'd get back with their mother for many years after their 2nd divorce).   Of course, their mother comforted her babies from that mean and nasty witch who just stole their daddy.  See?  A little open communication with a professional could have quieted some of that building hate.

Never really good for children to learn (or be taught) to hate.   Better to have dialogue, under professional guidance.

Wow, so long.  Sorry!
 

ksmarks

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Re: My daughter rejects me openly. I'm hacked.
« Reply #12 on: Jun 25, 2009, 03:45:12 PM »
for legal information and other resources check out the link below:
 
http://www.law.cornell.edu/
 
 Good Luck
 
K
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ninashkas

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my mom rejected me.
« Reply #13 on: Nov 30, 2009, 02:57:40 AM »
i am 27 now. my parents devorced when i was 9. she left never called back again. i grew up not knowing my mom, till i decided to find her after 18 years. it was last spring that Ifinaly find the courage in me to start looking for my mom, i found her through internet and set a date on mothers day-to meet her after 18 years. she was so nice at the beginning.

But suddenly she changed and the reason was i decide not to tell my dad about her...
I’m not bringing the reasons why i didnt choose not to tell my dad. but My mom really pushed me to tell him, and when she realized that i might not tell my dad she put me down.
She didnt tell anyone about me either! her parents didnt know that i have contacted her nor her boyfriend. finally She told me that she doesnt want me in her life because the relationship with her daughter in law might be broken because of me,She was disappeared again.

First i accepted this, came back to my life, trying to forget about her.
On the other hand i have financial problems in my life. i am both studying and working. takingloans for school. And really have  hard time money wise. 

So after 2 months not hearing from her i decided to email her and ask money. she was never there for me emotionally, at least she could help me financially. Again she put me down. She replied: i'm not responsible for any financial or emotional difficulties you may be having. You can turn to your father for that.

When i put the puzzle together i realize that she only wanted to get revenge from my dad by pushing me to tell him but me myself never meant anything for her.

So my questions are: is a mother allow to do this? Am i really asking to much from her?Is she responsible for me or not? What the law says about this?

MomofTwo

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Re: My daughter rejects me openly. I'm hacked.
« Reply #14 on: Nov 30, 2009, 06:27:24 AM »
ninashkas-
 I am sorry for what you have faced.  You may want to consider counseling to help you work through the feelings you may have.  Legally, and especially since you are an adult, your "mother" is in no way responsible for you emotionally and more specfically, financially.   You may want to start your own post to get responses to help you. 


gemini3

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Re: My daughter rejects me openly. I'm hacked.
« Reply #15 on: Nov 30, 2009, 08:04:22 PM »
ninashkas - you may want to start another post to get a better response.
 
That being said, I was very touched by your post.  I had a similar experience growing up.  After my parents divorced, my father left and we didn't see or hear from him for ten years.  So I can understand how you feel, and why you would want to have your mother in your life.  I understand how hurtful her behavior must be for you.  When I was a teenager I had a lot of problems - running away from home, drugs, etc.  I dropped out of high school in the 9th grade and left home for good when I was 15.  All of this was because I was so hurt and angry about not having my father in my life. 
 
When I was 20 I decided to go to community college but in order to apply for financial aid I had to claim my father's income since he had joint legal custody of me.  He was a pilot in the Air Force so, needless to say, his income disqualified me for any sort of financial aid... even though I didn't even know where he was living at the time.  (The financial aid office requests the info from the IRS.)  That just compounded my hurt and anger, because his absence was keeping me from bettering my life.
 
I am much older now, and I spent many years in counseling working through these issues.  One thing I learned is that every person goes through life at their own pace.  They have their own "learning curve", so to speak.  Some people learn much faster than others, and others never learn.  Your mother may be one of those people, and there is nothing you can do about it.  But know this - her actions say nothing about who you are, or your worth.  They say everything about who she is.  She is not able to be a mother to you because of her shortcomings, not yours.  It can be helpful to remember this in your dealings with her, and in looking at her actions - such as not telling anyone about you.  I imagine it isn't because she's ashamed of you.  I imagine it's because she's ashamed of herself, and what other people will think of her if they know she abandoned her daughter.
 
As far as whether or not she can do what she's done.  The answer is yes, she can.  You're legally an adult now, so neither of your parents are legally obligated to provide for you.  Even if you weren't an adult, parents aren't required to put their children through college.  I know it doesn't seem fair, and it's not.  She should have been there for you when you were a little girl and needed her.  But you're not a little girl anymore, and you don't have to count on people who won't be there for you.  You can make it, even though it will be a struggle.  When you get your degree you will be so proud of yourself for doing it on your own!  And, since I know you're really angry at your mom right now... living well is the best revenge.
 
Best of luck to you. 

 

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