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Author Topic: Looking for anyone with insight or experience  (Read 5009 times)

boilergal

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Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« on: Jun 17, 2009, 02:26:01 PM »
X and I share 50/50 custody of DS who is 5 and will start kindergarten in August.  Right now we do a 2/2/3 rotation which gives every other weekend as 3 nights and each with two nights during the week.
 
I tend to get ahead of myself worrying or thinking about things so that's where my question comes in.
 
Does anyone have any anectodal or other information on this type of rotation with older elementary kids?  I've got no problem with this set up for Kindergarten and probably even first grade, but my feeling (and it's only my gut feeling) is that we should go with a week to week rotation when he is older.
 With homework, spelling lists etc. picking up more and more with each grade, I feel like it would be better for DS to have alternating weeks with each of us so that we can appropriately track homework etc.  Plus I think it will be easier for DS to focus on school each week.
 
X has balked at going with alternating weeks and I think that's because he doesn't want DS for that long a stretch of time. 
 
I know I'm worrying about something that won't come up for 1 to 2 years, but I'm trying to do a little homework.
 
X and I live in the same elementary, middle school and high school districts.  In fact we only live about 4 blocks apart. 
 
 
Thanks


MixedBag

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #1 on: Jun 17, 2009, 03:11:46 PM »
on the flip side -- you may want to stick to this schedule because it might become feast or famine if dad doesn't help or keep up with homework.  With this type of schedule, you have contact and potential to keep up with it better.

Kitty C.

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #2 on: Jun 17, 2009, 03:49:40 PM »
JMO, but I would have a difficult time even agreeing to the schedule you currently have.  You do have a legitimate concern (especially about homework and studying) and since he is changing homes FOUR times a week, that doesn't seem to be consistent enough for him to be able to do that.  If you go on an week by week basis, and do the transfer either at the beginning or the end of the weekend, no weekends are missed by either parent, plus it gives him the stability of knowing he will stay put in one place for a week.  Also, any projects he may have, especially a large one, won't be such a hassle taking back and forth between homes and have the threat of losing something in the transition.

You need to approach this to your ex on the basis of what is right for your son.  It certainly is wise to plan ahead for this.....it creeps up faster on you than you want!  And you have to also take into consideration any extra-curricular activities, which can throw a 2/2/3 schedule into a turmoil.  It's all about continuity, stability and still allow the child to benefit from the maximum amout of time with each parent.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

ksmarks

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #3 on: Jun 17, 2009, 04:19:13 PM »
When my ex and I split up we tried the week on week off thing, didn't work for our children as they felt it was to long to be away from either parent, as well as their pets at each house.  We went to a two nights a week and every other weekend schedule.  It worked great for all of us.  The kids thrived knowing that both of us were involved and that they were loved by us both.
 
We also each stayed in the same school district, living less than 3 miles aaprt, becasue I lived across the street from the middle school and 1/2 a block from the elementary and high school, the  kids often came to my house everyday  when they got older, to be close to sport practices, band and other functions, drop off their stuff, get a snack and head to practice.
 
We did get prescriptions split when they were written, and double retainers, and split things like contacts so the kids did not have to remember them daily.  Likewise they had music stands and sporting equipment at both houses, and even had two sets of ROCT uniforms to ease the stress of transitioning. 
 
 Regardless of the schedule you pick, your child is going to be happier if you both are able to get along and co-parent. With this schedule we were able to touch base frequently and the kids saw us working together for their benefit.
 
 Good Luck, I am certain there are lots of ways to do it, that can work if you all want it to.
KSMarks

boilergal

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #4 on: Jun 17, 2009, 06:35:11 PM »
JMO, but I would have a difficult time even agreeing to the schedule you currently have. You do have a legitimate concern (especially about homework and studying) and since he is changing homes FOUR times a week, that doesn't seem to be consistent enough for him to be able to do that. I

He only switches 3 times a week, Monday evenings, Wednesday evenings and Friday evenings. But now that I write it like that, it seems like a lot, WOW! But DS gets equal time (more or less) with each of us this way. And he's not away from the other parent for very long.

I appreciate everyone's info and input. It's given me a couple of more things to think about. I don't know why I think anything will get easier as time passes. When one issue becomes moot another one crops up. Guess that's just the way it is :)

thanks again


MixedBag

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #5 on: Jun 18, 2009, 06:51:51 AM »
I can share that right now, my two grandbabies are also splitting their time between their parents and they "have no real" schedule, but do share 50/50 as close as possible.  The grandbabies are young right now (2 and 3), and they seem to be happy and don't go too many days in a row before they spend time with the other parent.
 
What makes it work is the fact that Mom and Dad remember that they are MOM and DAD to the girls even though they are no longer HUSBAND and WIFE.  99% of life is going smoothly for all four of them.

boilergal

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #6 on: Jun 18, 2009, 12:27:16 PM »
I feel like I have been doing very well at keeping things focused for what is best for DS.  I was able to diffuse situations that arose during the divorce with X by remaining calm and focusing on DS.  X would get in a rant (not with DS around) and I would try and keep calm and if the focus or issue was directly related to DS then X would tend to calm down after he realized that I wasn't trying to screw him or do anything underhanded but just do what would be good for our son.
 
I'm hoping if I can keep that approach then the co-parenting should continue OK.
 
 

ksmarks

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #7 on: Jun 18, 2009, 12:47:23 PM »
sounds like your relationship with your ex, is going the way mide did with my ex- almost 15 years later we are still able to get along and mutually support our three children, (27, 23, 21).
 
For us it really was a question of his not feeling screwed by me.
 
Continued good relationship with your ex is my wish for you and your son!
KSMarks

boilergal

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #8 on: Jun 18, 2009, 02:09:05 PM »

sounds like your relationship with your ex, is going the way mide did with my ex- almost 15 years later we are still able to get along and mutually support our three children, (27, 23, 21).

For us it really was a question of his not feeling screwed by me.

Continued good relationship with your ex is my wish for you and your son!

 
KS thanks for the good wishes.  For the most part X and I are friends.  We've been divorced just barely a year and we mediated it.  I moved out in January of 2008,  2 weeks after telling him I was leaving and then we were divorced by the end of May.
 
We've had a couple of little "dust ups"  but nothing that we can't get past (but mostly because I let stuff go and pick my battles where he'll just go off "half cocked" if he gets miffed)
 
He had a very bad first divorce and a rough time with a PB and PAS with his older son (now 19) , so he's extra sensative to things with our DS and X has some insecurities that are easy to feed.

ksmarks

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Re: Looking for anyone with insight or experience
« Reply #9 on: Jun 18, 2009, 02:19:30 PM »
It reall y is a powerful thing to beable to let things role off, or not respond.  My ex would try to get me pissed when he was angry and knew how to do it as we had been together so long. 
 
Taking the higher road is something that you will never have to regret, and it meant a great deal to my three kids that mom & dad could maintain for birthdays and graduations.  We still give the kids money to buy each other gifts for holidays,etc. (from the kids)
 
Sounds like you have it all working in the right direction. It is not easy but it is so very worth it!
KSMarks

 

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