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Author Topic: living in hell, and scared stiff...  (Read 6019 times)

Lollipoppa

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living in hell, and scared stiff...
« on: Jul 20, 2009, 02:30:20 PM »
I'm looking for info or help with trying to "start the procedure".
I've been in a relationship for about 4.5 yrs, and the past 1yr has been total hell, the rest has not been all that much better either.
Together we have a 19month old daughter that I want to have primary custody of.
We are not married, however she lives in my home with her older daughter, 18 that she also went through the same process with 17 yrs ago. Married, have baby, then divorced. I never went far enough to get married, and its probably a good thing because there are some serious responsibility/money/mental issues.

Since they are in my home, I can't just simply say get out. Her car, her daughters car, every bill, every responsibility is in my name.
I need to know how to gain custody of my child and keep her with me. Since I am the dad I'm already down 2 strikes.

What are the determining factors of how these decisions are made? Since she has been through this before, she thinks she is a pro.
She has no credit, and in debt easily $100k, has no car without the car I've got for her, has no strings really, and for having a salary that is = to mine she should have something to show for it, but there is nothing.
She threatens me daily that she will leave, take the baby and I'll never see her again, threatens that she will kill herself daily, tons of other issues.

I've already been the primary care taker of the baby, have been for a while. However I know that she will think that she is the make care taker for the baby.
Dressing her, feeding her, drive to day care, pick up from daycare, feed dinner, making lunch, bathing, diapers, playing with her, just to name a few.
She is very jealous that I have such a loving relationship with my daughter, I'm not saying that she does not love the child, but she doesn't make any effort to spend
much time with her, or do any of the necessary things having a child requires.

I'm not sure where to turn, all I hear is bad bad bad about trying to go through these situations. I'm tired of being abused, taken advantage of and used, so I need to
figure out how to go through with this and keep my child so there is not another carbon copy of her mother and sister.

Anyone?


snowrose

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #1 on: Jul 21, 2009, 02:39:26 PM »
You say you are tired of being abused.  If you are talking physical or emotional abuse (like her loudly screaming at you or threatening you), I would suggest calling the police when your SO gets abusive.  The first thing in your favor would be having proof of the abuse, so calling the police and having them make a report will begin to give you proof that your SO causes problems in the home.

Do you have friends and family that will vouch that you're the child's primary caregiver?

mafitz

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #2 on: Aug 17, 2009, 09:55:27 AM »

I'm looking for info or help with trying to "start the procedure".
I've been in a relationship for about 4.5 yrs, and the past 1yr has been total hell, the rest has not been all that much better either.
Together we have a 19month old daughter that I want to have primary custody of.
We are not married, however she lives in my home with her older daughter, 18 that she also went through the same process with 17 yrs ago. Married, have baby, then divorced. I never went far enough to get married, and its probably a good thing because there are some serious responsibility/money/mental issues.

Since they are in my home, I can't just simply say get out. Her car, her daughters car, every bill, every responsibility is in my name.
I need to know how to gain custody of my child and keep her with me. Since I am the dad I'm already down 2 strikes.

What are the determining factors of how these decisions are made? Since she has been through this before, she thinks she is a pro.
She has no credit, and in debt easily $100k, has no car without the car I've got for her, has no strings really, and for having a salary that is = to mine she should have something to show for it, but there is nothing.
She threatens me daily that she will leave, take the baby and I'll never see her again, threatens that she will kill herself daily, tons of other issues.

I've already been the primary care taker of the baby, have been for a while. However I know that she will think that she is the make care taker for the baby.
Dressing her, feeding her, drive to day care, pick up from daycare, feed dinner, making lunch, bathing, diapers, playing with her, just to name a few.
She is very jealous that I have such a loving relationship with my daughter, I'm not saying that she does not love the child, but she doesn't make any effort to spend
much time with her, or do any of the necessary things having a child requires.

I'm not sure where to turn, all I hear is bad bad bad about trying to go through these situations. I'm tired of being abused, taken advantage of and used, so I need to
figure out how to go through with this and keep my child so there is not another carbon copy of her mother and sister.

Anyone?

 
What state are you in? 

tjk

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #3 on: Aug 17, 2009, 11:33:37 AM »
Hi.  I'm a new poster to this forum also (although I have read the "Articles" and other info from here for years). 

I assume your name is on your daughter's birth cert.  My first suggestion is to find yourself the best family attorney in your area and go in for a consultation (often free) without the knowledge of your child's mother. 

You need to start a journal documenting everything you do for your daughter each day and secure this journal where no one else will see it or know it exists.  (You can do it in the computer and keep it under a password.)  Stay as involved as possible in taking care of your daughter.

It is not uncommon for women in this position to make false accusations and try to obtain a restraining order.  I suggest you use an MP3 player anytime your so or her older daughter is in the house with you.  Let it run continuously, not just when someone is talking.  If the police are called and a false accusation is made you will be able to prove it did not happen which might keep you from going to jail.  It would also record any suicide threat which should be met with you immediately calling the police for her safety.  (If she denies it, again you have the recorded proof.)  If any of this happens make sure you obtain copies of all the police reports.

I would also make sure all your paychecks are going into a bank account in your name only.  If there are any joint accounts you could remove the funds and put them in a separate account in your name for safe keeping so she cannot wipe you out.

It will be difficult for her so to leave without a vehicle or extra money.  This will buy you time to talk to an attorney and perhaps file papers giving you temporary custody so she cannot leave with your daughter. 

Most importantly, don't engage in ANY disagreements with her and do not give her any info on what you are doing.  Stay calm and reasonable at all times and keep that recorder running.

Find an attorney ASAP. 

Good luck.

Dadto4

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #4 on: Aug 17, 2009, 11:46:13 AM »
You will have to get paternity established. Even if your name is on the birth certificate some states will not recognise it if your not married. Get you a mini recorded and make sure you have it on when she goes off. If you have her making suicide threats on tape then you can call the police and they  will take her away for at least a day to see someone.


Davy

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #5 on: Aug 17, 2009, 11:56:05 AM »
Of course one of the worst things you can do is call police.  In many locations, they might follow the police manual so the first thing they do is cuff any adult males present.  Case in point, a 16 yo daughter was being physically abused by her mother inside the home.  During the fracus, the father gently picked up the mother from behind and gently sat her outside then locked the door as the daughter phoned 9-1-1 on her mother.  The mother had history of erractic behavior.  When the police arrived the mother was outside throwing rocks and breaking all the windows along with all screaming and cussing.  The father, daughter, and 14 yo son calmly step outside on the porch and the police immediately cuff the father and place him in the back of the squad car.  Of course the kids were eye witnesses and could speak out so the father was released...often the kids are young or ignored so..........

In order to PROTECT THIS CHILD the father needs a simultaneous strategy and plan to :
1) file ex-parte for custody with professional witnesses from outside the family
2) gain exclusive possession of the automobiles or otherwise not be held responsibile for insurance or any car payments (ie take possession, hide, dispose of)
3) remove woman and her adult daughter from his home with their personal posessions
   (ie police assistance)
4) restrain woman and her adult daughter from the home and cars along with supervised visitation of the baby

He is not responsible in any way for this woman or her adult daughter ONLY the baby which he is all ready doing.  And I agree with the OP that this erratic behavior is often serial.   

mafitz

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #6 on: Aug 19, 2009, 01:37:23 PM »
Yeah you don't EVER put your hands on someone in a domestic, and I mean NEVER not even to protect yourself. 
 
He is in a good position though I would think Davy because he has the advantage of filing all of this before the soon to be ex sees it coming or files.  I hate that that seems to be what gives you the advantage but I have read about it so often in these cases. 

Lollipoppa

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #7 on: Oct 09, 2009, 12:27:14 PM »
wow, I had no idea that there were any responses posted after checking back a couple of times.  Thank you for that!

I have a log kept since the beginning of this year, and other notes of crazy things that she has done/does.  Daily notes though for the most part, its very tough to keep up sometimes, and other times I stray from making an entry because every time I open the file, I relive the experience.  I know it is necessary to document though, so I do it often. 

The older daughter of hers has since moved on to college, and doesn't come home very often.  I believe its to stay out of harms way and not have to deal with the domestic stuff occurring here. 

Someone mentioned recordings, and while I have thought of this, I also see it as being somewhat biased.  Since I know there would be a recording device, one would think I'd try to bait her in, its not necessary but easily understood why someone could think this.  Hiding a recording device in the house is going to be tough, and if it is found, its a give away...

My name in on the birth certificate, but as mentioned also, I don't really think that means too much.  I've spoken to an attorney and think he is pretty straight, speaks english and listens to me, not pushy or makes me uncomfortable.  I should see another just for comparison, I've called a few and talked, but they were definitely different then this guy. 

KidsinAZ

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #8 on: Oct 12, 2009, 04:25:59 AM »
Have you legally established paternity?  If not, when you consult with an attorney ask how you can go about doing that without having the mother take off with the baby. 
 
Because right now, she is the only proven parent since you aren't married to her and were not at the time of birth.  And can move out with the child.  And there's not a thing that you can do about it.
 
Do you have documentation of her suicide threats?   Keeping a journal isn't as good as her saying it in front of a neutral witness or sending you an e-mail with the threat. 
 
And the next time she threatens suicide, call the cops and tell them that she threatened to kill herself and you are concerned that she will actually follow through on it. 
 
Good luck.

Lollipoppa

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #9 on: Oct 12, 2009, 07:52:51 AM »
I have the affidavit of parentage stating that I am the father, is that what you are stating by seeking paternity?
 
I've been to the police department an handful of times with my daughter usually after a blow out situation when she goes psycho.  I had also asked them about what to do with her since she says this so often.  By saying that, I mean, she says it 10-20 times a week, I asked the officer seriously now.  She's been saying this so much for so long, wouldn't I look like an idiot calling 911 3-4 times a day?  Its almost the same as crying wolf. Although I know that if I called 911 again when she starts going crazy, the backlash would be hellish at the house as I'm still getting it from Easter when she went crazy and I did call them.   

gemini3

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #10 on: Oct 14, 2009, 08:04:17 AM »
I agree with Davy's excellent advice, as well as tjk.  One note of caution on the use of a recording device - many states will not allow you to use recordings as evidence if both parties were not aware that there was a recording.  You can still use the recordings for other things - such as letting the police hear them - but you won't be able to use them in a courtroom situation if your state is a two-party state.
 
It would be very helpful to know what state you are in.
 
My suggestions are:
 
*  consult with some attorney's and get one who has won custody cases for fathers on retainer.  (BTW - ask for specifics if they say they have, there are plenty out there who will lie.)  There are some good articles on hiring an attorney on this site.
 
*  put all of your important documents (titles to car, bank documents, deed to house, etc.) in a secure location that she cannot access.
 
*  if you share a bank account, move everything to another account that does not have her name on it.
 
*  remove her access to any vehicles that you are responsible for - take the keys and put them in a safe deposit box if you need to.  If you think she'll do anything to the vehicles, remove them to another location.
 
*  if you have her on a "family plan" for cell phones, remove her from that (people have been known to run up crazy bills just to stick-it to the other person).
 
*  cancel her authorization on any lines of credit you have
 
*  if she freaks out and threatens suicide, call the police and ask that she be taken to psych for evaluation because she is a threat to herself and your child
 
file an ex-parte motion for custody
 
*  find out if you must evict her from your property and, if so, start that process in conjunciton with the ex-parte
 
*  see if you can obtain a TRO in the meantime
 
*  continue keeping your journal in an un-biased way.
 
She's obviously unstable, possibly BPD or Bi-Polar, and highly likely to file false allegations against you.  You must protect yourself from this.  Discuss this liklihood with your attorney and come up with a course of action.

mdegol

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #11 on: Oct 14, 2009, 09:15:23 AM »
This advice is completely correct.  I would just like to add a couple of things.
 
The element of surprise is a huge advantage.  This was used in my situation, by both of us at different times, with some success.  But now, some of the hostility is because of that, several years later.
 
In some state (like MA) it is actually illegal to record someone without their knowledge (up to 5 years in prison).  Just check and make sure.
 
This is just IMHO.  Also, remember you will have to deal with her after in some way.  She will have at least visitation.  But if you are very very unlucky, she might even get custody.  If she is a true pyscho, you will have ways to deal with her, but at some level, she will always be there.  You can try to protect your cars, and your money, but mostly I would focus on your daughter.  You do what you have to do, and she is going to hate you no matter what.  DO NOT tell her what you are up to until you file for temp custody, because she WILL take off with baby.  Secure important papers, important irreplacable possesions. But I wouldn't wipe out the bank account, I would leave something fair.  If it is an old car, and you are able to, I would let her keep it, just transfer into her name.  I would move, before kicking her out, even if it is your house and eventually you have to get her out of it.  I don't know what is possible and what is not.  While everything might be in your name, you may have earned ALL of it and she might be a big user and a crazy person, unfortunately you have a kid with her, so you are tied by the tail.  And woman like that, hold grudges.  Go to your parents with the kid.  Get out with your child.  You can always rebuild the possesions.  Protect yourself, while trying to remember that you will have to deal with her afterward.  Things that aren't important to you, forget about them.

Kitty C.

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Re: living in hell, and scared stiff...
« Reply #12 on: Oct 14, 2009, 09:42:19 AM »
'Things that aren't important to you, forget about them.'  I'm assuming you mean possessions and I totally agree with you.........material possessions can be replaced, but your child cannot.  Protect yourself as much as you can, but keep the focus of the safety of your child.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

 

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