Oh my GOODNESS! Loosing my mind!

[CartersMom0905]

So since I'm brand new to all of this mess, I thought I'd share with you all my first court house experience, just for giggles. This was great(so being sarcastic right now lol)
So I start my day by going to a consultation with a lawyer, get my feet wet, find out options right? She tells me she wants $3,500 up front, so I laughed my way out of the office... walked on down to the court house. Found a service that helps low income people with family law issues. Waited 45 mins to be seen, but that's fine, it's free, I'm not complaining.
   At this point a sweet woman hands me packets to fill out, and example packets identical the the paper work telling me exactly what to mark, where to mark it, what to fill out... yadda, yadda, yadda. Tells me to fill it out, come back and she'll go through it with me.
   So I take my paper work, and my "how to fill out custody orders for dummies" packet, find a cozy corner and spend another hour filling it all out to the T.
   Take it back to the SAME woman, who says to me, "I'm sorry, we're not going over papers with people today, take this to the clerk and try to file it, and if there's anything wrong she'll mark it for you to fix."
   So I walk down to the clerk, give her my packet that I filled out EXACTLY as the packet showed me to do, and she proceeds to yellow mark EVERY stinkin page and tab ever single page for missing or wrong information. Tells me to fix it and bring it back.
  So I spend another hour, fix every thing as she asked, and take it back AGAIN... and you guys are gonna love this part.. you ready for this... it's like the punch line....

   She looks at my work, types something in the computer and says,"Did you know that your ex already filed this paper work?"

Yeah, seriously lol. So I tell her I didn't know that, because I didn't of course. And then find out he filed it September of last year and has up to three years to serve me which he hasn't done yet obviously because I had no clue about it. So I'm near tears at this point, and she says to me that I have to fill out a different set of papers all together. Then she says, "Oh wait, you can just go ahead and file your papers and the judge can just combine the two cases." I asked her if she was sure, postive, that would be okay, and she confirms it. Then tells me that I need to make two copies of everything after making the corrections(Keep in mind when I say I'm broke, I mean I have $10 in my purse, and $1.33 in the bank and that's it!) and that copies are 50 cents per side. I need 26 copies.
    So I make the corrections, lucky enough to borrow money from a friend that was helping me, make my copies, then make my way back to the window with my now perfectly filled out forms and my two copies of everything, relieved because it's done. Hand in my papers and wait for the clerk.
   Who comes out and tells me,"Did you know that your ex already filed these papers?" lol. So I go through the whole song and dance again, only this time she tells me, "Sorry the other clerk was mistaken, you can't do it that way. What you have to fill out is a response to his petition."
   She hands me this new packet to fill out... then closes her window, and shuts off the lights in the office because at this point, the court house is now closed......


    So the whole day spent and one massive headache later, and I literally got NOTHING at all done. This whole day feels like one big punch line.
Is it always like this guys? Do I really have years of this to look forward to? How do you all do it with out going nuts?

Anyways, just thought I'd share that fun experience with you since it was a first for me, and I have a feeling that some of you have been there before.


I'll look back on this and laugh someday right?
-Sharon

[mafitz]

Ouch!  Yeah it can be like that, unless you aren't in the poverty guidelines and not making enough to actually pay for the attorney then it actually gets worse for you.

Its all about paperwork and copies but 26 seems high to me?!?  So your ex filled out paperwork for what?  Custody or child support?  Did you request copies of what he filed?  Just curious to see what he is saying.  Sorry my case involved an ex mother in law and grandmother in law that were evil, so the mention of his mother on the other thread got my alarm bells ringing.

[MixedBag]

If you use the "package" that's handed to you by a court that I know -- yes, it's quite book.  and 99% of it is not applicable if you're already divorced IMHO.

CM -- Good luck!

[CartersMom0905]

   He filed paperwork for full custody. I'm guessing because it was last September that this was when he was about to go into boot camp. That was the first time we had trouble with custody, and the only time other than now. He had my son for two months because he said he was going into boot and wanted to spend time with him, and I didn't see a problem with it at all, after all he'd be gone for three months and they'd both miss each other like crazy. But then the weeks dragged into months, and when I finally put my foot down after finding out that he wouldn't be going to boot until the following February, I went to go pick up my son and had to get the police involved. He told me when I picked him up that he wouldn't let me have our son until I signed some paper saying I'd bring him back and that the corp told him he had to do it this way or he'd get in trouble. I told him that I'd never heard of the Marine corps asking anything like that and refused to sign the paper and ended up having to call the police in the end to get the baby.

  He's never asked for child support, but I hadn't either until recently. It's always been that I had a job and he didn't, so it didn't make sense to me to make him pay something he didn't have. But now the roles are reversed, and he's in a good position financially, and I just lost my job to down sizing a couple of months ago and I'm having a hard time finding a new one. I wouldn't ask for it at all if it weren't for the fact that I have to put food on the table, and make sure the lights stay on some how, and it doesn't seem right that he hasn't had to pay a dime in the past two years. He'll spend money on our son, but it's things like when he got out of boot camp, he bought him a Wii... our son is three, has no idea how to play it, and it stays with dad, so I have the feeling that dad really bought it more for himself. But if he can come out of boot and spend $400 on a Wii and another $400 on an Xbox and then another $300 on a cell phone, then he can certainly afford to send a little money to make sure our son is taken care of.

   I didn't request a copy of his papers, I didn't know I could do that, I wish I had. I don't know if you read my other post, but I recently had a knock on my door from CPS, and I'm almost positive it was my mother in law that called. Which is crazy because A. There's nothing wrong with my house, and broke or not I always make sure the kiddo is taken care of. And B. She's never even set foot in this house(I'm living with my mother right now and they don't get along, so I don't know how she can make any claims about the condition of the house).The social worker came through, looked at everything, went through my fridge and cupboards, and said there was plenty of food, fresh fruits, veggies, milk... everything, and the house was clean. It was a surprise visit so I wasn't dressed and kiddo wasn't dressed, but it was a lazy morning and he had just had a nosebleed so we were hanging out cuddled up watching cartoons until he felt better. When the social worker left, he said there was nothing wrong with this house and it seemed like a person just being vindictive.
The 26 copies I had to make were the total for having to make two copies of the paper work, which was 13 pages total, have to count both sides. I wish I had known before I turned it all in that I didn't have to spend $13 on copies though.
 
  And I did notice that a lot of what they needed filled out didn't apply to me at all because we were never married, so it made it really hard to fill out right because I didn't know or didn't have the answers to most of the question they were asking.

  Right now he's being really nice, he's sick and not feeling good this weekend and always has a tendency to want me to baby him when he doesn't feel good, seperated or not lol. So he's playing nice because he's feeling pretty crummy, and says we'll take care of all the paper work and not to worry that he'll bring a check this weekend when he comes down and that he's sorry and he knows it's hard to take care of the kiddo by myself. But I worry because that's just this week. I don't know how I can trust a man who once loved me, but is now secretly filing paper work behind my back to take our son from me

-Sharon

         "I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

[mafitz]

You sound like you have been accomodating this man for a long while.  Now you need to start covering your own arse and stop doing anything without having a written order of agreement between you and him.

He absolutely can not get custody of your son while he is on active duty status.  It is that way because if a soldier is sent off to war their children can keep the military from deploying them, and the military doesn't like that at all.  He can actually be forced out of the military (they call it failure to adjust) if he has sole custody of his son.  He would be required to sign custody of his son over to someone else, and it sounds like that may be what he is going to use his mom for.

Usually when someone you have gotten along well with in sharing a child suddenly changes their course its because someone is putting stuff into their heads.  But he could be worried about the fact that with a child in the military he will have to have the payments removed from his pay.  And the housing allowance is a real issue, but its not the end of the world.

Do not do anymore visitations until you have an order for visitation in place, just for your own safety.  If mom is calling CPS then they may be looking for an opportunity to pull the floor out from under you.  Stay neutral through the whole thing and let him have phone contact with his son.  Keep records of when he calls to talk to his son and when he makes any requests.  Also keep records of all times CPS is called or his mom tries to make life hard for you.

Its a just in case thing.  Child support in Cali is total crap, and I say that with all sincerity.  In my own view it violates the rights of both parties.  I promise you he will calm down after you have an order of visitation and contact court ordered and he knows what his child support payment will be.  You just stay calm and neutral with him.  Do not run him through the ringer or try to get more money out of him than you are entitled to.  You don't want to drive your son's father away.  You just want to do what is fair to him, you and your child.

Keep in touch so we can be here for you.  And good luck!

[MixedBag]

Mafiz.....I think you better get your facts straight.

Retired military here -- that means I served 20 years on active duty.

Your facts are wrong.

There's NOTHING that prevents a military person from getting custody and as a matter of fact, MANY states have included special paragraphs to protect the service members and their right to be a parent to their children.

ON THE FLIP SIDE -- during the years when I was a single parent, I had to have a package ready and uptodate which contained a plan for another adult to take care of my dependents both short term and long term -- which included shot records, birth certificates, and powers of attorneys for both my girls.

There was a time where a single parent could not enlist -- then the policy changed and it was because the military needed folks, so they allowed single parents to join.  No idea what the policy is today.

[mafitz]

We got out in 2002 and they were still kicking people out who had sole custody.  So if you have something different I would love to see it.  The majority of the soldiers they forced out were female, so you are suggesting something that I know for a fact was not being enforced. 

[MixedBag]

I was a single mother for several years twice during my 20 year career.

Neither time was I pressured or did anyone hint at forcing me out.

Part of my job was also "recruiting" in the sense that we qualfied folks to come into the Air Force.

For many years we were not allowed to accept single parents -- but some time during the years from 1996-2000, that changed because recruiters were having a hard time meeting their goals.

Then the tide changed after 9/11 -- because recruiters were overwhelmed.

It's a matter of policy for each branch of service -- there's nothing in Title 10 that says a single parent may not service.

For many years NEW recruits who were single parents had to give permanent guardianship to someone else in order to enlist.  There could be no hint of the child returning.  BUT once I was on active duty, I could have as many children as I wanted.

[mafitz]

I still can't find the code on it so I clearly don't have my facts straight.  I did some research on the net and found that it remains an issue however.  Most of the issues are that soldiers are losing "custody" of their children while deployed.  I think the fact that this is an ongoing issue contradicts my own statements that a soldier can not have custody of his or her children.

What I found as a contracted employee working with Army personnel is that custody of children was a common factor in discharging people.  It was almost as common as kicking people out over their weight.  I left my job as a contractor in 1998 and my husband etsed in 2002.  This was still going on in 2002 as we had a female friend who ended up giving up custody of her daughter to the father to keep from being forced out during this period. 

What the father of the child who is the subject of this particular topic can do is gain custody of the child as long as he has someone to legally take custody of the child when he is on duty that does not permit dependents to accompany him.  In this case I suspect he would choose his mother over the child's mom. 

So the question in this particular case is does this mom have a chance at retaining primary physical custody of the child?  The fact that she is unemployed could go against her, but the fact that she has always had primary physical custody of the child with the exception of a two month visit in which the child was in the sole care of his father should weigh in her favor. 

[grtdaddy]

California law.


3047. A party's absence, relocation, or failure to comply with
custody and visitation orders shall not, by itself, be sufficient to
justify a modification of a custody or visitation order if the reason
for the absence, relocation, or failure to comply is the party's
activation to military service and deployment out of state

[mafitz]

But in this case dad is in the same state currently, and no child support has been paid.  If there is currently no order for custody or support how do you think this will effect her? 

[MixedBag]

From another post here at the site -- they were never married.

From experience and reading here -- 99% of the time that means when the baby was born, mom is automatically the primary residential, custodial parent.

From this thread -- dad has filed to have that changed to himself.

Dad finished Marine Corps boot camp and is still in the local area -- that part has me confused too BECAUSE usually when you finish boot camp you get assigned "elsewhere" -- UNLESS it's the Marine Corp Reserves and not active duty.  Then again, southern California has a large Marine Corps presence.

Reason I say this is because the -- geez, I'm gonna get this name wrong -- the Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act protects active duty members.

So -- if he is active duty or if he is reserves and has been activated (like getting ready to deploy), court actions will be placed on hold until he can appear (like when he gets back).

If he is active duty, he will get a higher pay check IF he has a dependent or is paying child support per an order.

IF he is active duty, he automatically provides Tri-Care Prime (100% health care covered if you use the system) for the dependent child. -- custody and orders are not a factor, he just has to be the father on the birth certificate.

His income is basically a matter of public record now.

[CartersMom0905]

   He is active duty, but there are only two bases on the west coast as far as I know, Pendleton and 29 Palms. He did his boot at Pendleton and is now doing his MOS training at 29 Palms. So at least until he finishes with that, he'll be local because luckily we don't live terribly far from there.
    He told me that he was in fact getting a higher pay because of our son, but that didn't seem fair to me because he doesn't put any of that money towards taking care of him.
   And he does have Tri-Care, but I have no idea how to use it. It's all brand new to me, so if any one has any info on that too that would be great. I don't know where I'm allowed to take him to be seen, or what I'm supposed to pay out of pocket or any of that.
   He was really angry this week because I told him I didn't feel comfortable with our son going to his parent's house for the weekend, and I don't know if he was just spitting angry words, or if it's actually possible, but he told me that his SSG told him that it's effecting his performance and there for effecting everyone else, so they said they were going to take legal action themselves(Meaning the Marine Corps it's self) and move to make my ex the primary custodial parent so that he can basically then just sign over custody to his parents. Can they do this? Would they even do this? It doesn't make sense to me. I can fight my ex in court until the cows come home, but fighting the U.S. Marine Corps? How do I even begin?
   I don't know if they really said that or if he's just blowing smoke because he's angry.


-Sharon
       "I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it."   

[snowrose]

Carter'smom, as I understand it you can call your ex's base and find out who his commander is.  The services take great pride in their people handling families correctly and chances are the commander will be willing to help you set things up correctly so your son is taken care of correctly with insurance and all.  The commander will also encourage your ex to do his duty properly by the child.

As to the paperwork you filled out, it can really pull your hair out.  I'm sorry to say but I'm not sure you have to file a response to your ex's petition.  If the petition has never been served to you then I *think* the case may be stalled and you need some advice from someone as to how to get around your ex never finishing with the filing.  I think that means you have to go back to the Family Law service to get some directions on how to respond correctly to your ex's unserved filling.

[MixedBag]

He's either getting the Dependent Rate BAQ or the rate where there's a CS order set BAQ -- geez, yep,, it's been a while.

Tri-Care is EASY PEASY....

His social security number is the policy number.

As an active duty member, 100% of the child's medical is covered -- NO out of pocket expenses unless you don't follow their rules and use non-participating providers.

If a provider accepts medicaid/medicare, they accept tri-care limits, they just might not know it.

Pharmacy co-pays are $3 and $9 depending on the medication or FREE on the base.

Call the base's hospital at 29Palms and ask for the Tri-Care Coordinator.  They will fill you in on the basic rules and maybe even give you the on-line website to use.  Im in the south so mine is different.

There are different levels of Tri-Care, but since he's active duty, it should be Tri-Care Prime.

[mafitz]

But to get the base coverage won't she need to have a military dependent's id for her son?  How does she get that without the dad getting it for her?

If he is getting the extra pay for dependents then he has no reason whatsoever not to be paying child support.  He has to know not paying c.s. is going to result in them taking his pay for every month he has not paid on top of the current amount he will be set to pay.  Its not making much sense.

[MixedBag]

Hmmm -- that requires a trip to Maxwell AFB and I'd be asking customer service at the Military Personnel Flight what they would require.

Now -- that would be the Air Force answer.

I also remember that my kids as dependents didn't get ID cards until they were age 10.....and that had nothing to do with a divorce....just their rules.

Tri-Care off base -- well, they'd ask for the information and ID card yes, then you tell them that even having an ID card for any insurance company DOESN'T guarantee coverage.....and give them dad's social security number and let them call Tri-Care for your area.

BTW -- IF there are medical bills that go back to the day he enlisted, I'd turn those in before October 1st of this year so that they could get processed and MAYBE mom will get reimbursed if she paid for something out of her pocket.

I also agree with contacting his commander......

[armycoppertop]

Prior service Army human resource specialist, as well as a DEERS Verifying Officail (the person that does the computer stuff to get people military IDs and medical coverage), but a lot of the issues here overlap branches. I didn't read all the replies, so I might be repeating.

#1... all he has to do is have a paternity test done (because you were not married when the child was born... to many women claim military personnel are the fathers to get free benefits when the guy is NOT the father), turn that into DEERS (covers ALL branches) along with the birth certificate and Social Security card, and the child is enrolled into DEERS and is authorized a military ID card. He should also be court ordered to provide health insurance and dental, with DEERS enrollment and the court order, he will automatically have TriCare health and he will be required to pay the whooping like $9 a month premium for United Concordia (TriCare dental). Technically, TriCare only provides medical/dental if the service member provides 50% of the child's support (most VOs don't bother with that part of the process, but the sticklers will mark "provides less than 50% support"), and you have to fill out paperwork to get that declaration, but a court order basically overrides that.

#2... there is NOTHING that stops single parents from being service members. It is ILLEGAL to so much as SUGGEST that they can't have custody. Most services don't want CURRENT single parents JOINING, because the lifestyle is not really condusive, but some of them have exceptions for reserve or active duty or national guard, but if you are already in, they can't do a DARN thing about it other than require a family care plan (a plan that explains how the child is going to be taken care of during duty, at NO time can a service member say they can't perform ANY duty due to having a child... this is why I am no longer a Soldier, be a mom or be a Soldier, I couldn't find anyone to take care of my kids evenings and weekends and during field exercises when I moved to a civilian community on active duty.

#3... as long as he has dependents, he does not neccassarily need custody. Finance regulations (all services) state that a service member court ordered to pay equal or more than BAH TYPE TWO W/ Dependents will receive Type 2 BAH. My husband was authorized BAH TYPE ONE W/ Dependents based on his court order since he had to pay type 2 in child support but also gets visitation and needs a place for SD to stay during those visits. It is a moot point now, he is authorized it all based on me, anyhow, but before we got married, it helped. Some pays he may not get depending on if finance regs allow for branch specific deviations. But all he would get without being deployed would be housing allowance type 2 while in barracks, or type one to live off base and seperate rats instead of eating in the chow hall.

Once you have a court order requiring him to pay child support, you send that into DFAS... don't mess with his chain of command, DFAS has to process the child support order to be deducted out of his paycheck automatically. If he is not complying with any OTHER part of a court order - DEERS enrollment, paying any non-covered expenses he is court ordered to pay, etc - THAT you go to his chain of command and show them the court order. If they fail to order him to comply with the court order, you go to JAG. I don't know USMC regs, but Army regs state that a single Soldier can NOT have custody at the time of enlistment, they must give COURT ORDERED FULL custody to someone else and can NOT get custody back during their first term unless extenuating circumstances arise (I was considering giving my ex custody when we first split and did a LOT of research on this issue. I couldn't do it and used a different loophole and program to get on active status) such as the legal custodian becomes unfit. Army reseves may now enlist as single parents with a family care plan, but that just changed during my active duty tour from 06-08. Before then, even a reservist couldn't enlist as a single parent!

The Soldier Sailor act will only prevent him from dealing with court issues DURING DEPLOYMENT (and probably while in training). However, FILE NOW!! Anything you file now will be put on hold, however,  it can be BACKDATED to the day you filed. The act is there to protect the service member from being screwed due to inability to appear in court, NOT as something for him to use to protect himself from having to face court proceedings and what would have happened during the deployment (hence the reason my ex's child support for his second wife is backdated TWO YEARS!! She filed shortly before he deployed for 15 months and tried to get the hearings done while he was GONE so he couldn't fight for his parental rights.)

[MixedBag]

Carter's Mom -- print that previous post.

[Dadto4]

To add to what armycoppertop said. I know for a fact if child support is not issued by the court, they he has to give you the differance between single and dependant BAH. If he is not talk to his 1st Sgt. Also I am single and have custody of my daughter been deployed and all that good jaz. You always have to fill out a parenting plan, even if your married in case your spouse has something happen to him/her while you are deployed.