Hoosier, in the 13 plus years I have been observing separated parents (being one myself and also as a SM), I've found one underlying theme for the ones who are highly vindictive. The bottom line is that they perceive themselves to be SO hurt by what the other parent has done to them that they are bound and determined that they will make the other parent suffer as much as they have themselves. Sometimes some kind of mental illness may be involved that is pushing the warped decisions of the vindictive parent. But regardless, the ONLY weapon the vindictive parent has is the child. They are so wrapped up in themselves and their righteous anger that they can't fathom the damage that is being inflicted on the child. I'm sure you've heard the term 'blind with anger'...........this fits the desciption perfectly.
The sad part is that the parent may not realize until much later (if ever) the damage that they have heaped on the child. In our case, it's going to come to a head sometime next spring or as early as Feb. when
SS moves out of
BM's home and moves in with us after he turns 18. Just within the past few days SS informed
DH that BM forced him to pay her back for the school shoes she bought him...and if that's happened, I know that it's happened before. SS finally got a really good job this summer with a roofer and was making some good money...so I guess BM thought that he should have to pay for things that she's required to, especially with the CS money she gets every month.
SS is just chomping at the bit to get away from her, for all the crap she's fed him and done to him over the past 16-17 years. Just because she was so PO'd at DH for all the perceived 'hurt' he caused her. Funny thing is, she married again 2 weeks after we did and that marriage ended within a few years...and every guy she's dated since then has dumped her unceremoniously. She still hasn't figured out that if she looked in a mirror, she'd find the reason why she continuously fails in relationships. But it's easier to blame someone else than it is to take responsibility herself.