I respect the place that OP is posting from - I really get the frustration thing, I do - but if the child is under 5:
1) Husband/Wife or Girlfriend/Boyfriend really shouldn't be called "dad" or "mom" unless the bio-parent hasn't been in their life
AND2) It is regularly addressed who their biological parent really is.
To a certain extent, I agree with posters who say a child under age five would be mimicking the words mommy and daddy, but we have to realize that every situation is different.
With my now almost 8 year old
SD, I overheard her telling her 11 year old cousin that she doesn't get mad if people think I'm her mother or mix up the two moms. The cousin said "but she's not your mom, though." and SD said "Yeah, but she does everything my mom does." 1) I'm touched that she was defending me and 2) I think we really need to see the situation from a child's eyes. If the
child is old enough to express a continued desire to call two dads "dad" or two moms "mom". Then why not? Aren't we only suppressing their need to be consistently affirmed where they stand?
I read a lot of posts on here to help me get through my situation, and I see the same recurring theme; the children are initiating
SURVIVAL mode when with either parent! One poster wrote that her SD/
SS - I don't remember - said "Now you can call me my real nickname, I just didn't want my mom to get mad." My SD actually LIED to her mother last night on the telephone and said "I tried to call you, but I called your old cell phone number because I thought it was working."
BM must have told her "You know my new cell by heart" because SD said "Yeah, but I forgot that I knew it." I look at my SD afterwards and I asked her about why did she tell that story to her mom, when every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have to force her to have a minute long conversation with her biomom. BM: I miss you. SD: Me too. BM: What did you do today? SD: Played in the park, watched a movie on TV, went on a boat ride. BM: Oh I'm glad you had fun, where's your sister? End of conversation.
SD at 7 1/2 PURPOSELY tried to switch up the conversation to make it more interesting to her mother, so her mother could show more of an interest in her. How do I know? I used to do the same thing with my step-dad (whom I called Daddy) who I felt paid more attention to my siblings than me. So to SURVIVE emotionally, I used to do all sorts of things to get his attention. I see the same behavior being exhibited by my SD with her BIOLOGICAL Primary Big Fat Head Mother. ( I only wrote that because I've been trying to figure out what PBFH stands for, and I figure that's about a good a guess as I'll ever come up with)
My name is phonetically a repetition of one syllable (example) LeeLee. Its easy for kids to say. However both skids call me "mom" from time to time and at first it really bothered me. I was like we already have enough problems with this lady, this is the last thing I need. So after correcting the child who at this point has a tear-stained face, "I'm LeeLee" your mom is who you should be calling mommy"... I just let it go. Let them be who they are. No one over here is even suggesting that is what they call me, I'm called by my first name by everybody.
To whomever said "stepparents shouldn't be called anything" well that's nice. I'm wondering if you do feel steps should be called something like au pair or babysitter or "roommate" as BM in my situo has so nicely called me. Even though I am legally married to her ex. She is so nice. It is okay if she comes to me directly to pay for $400+ birthday parties, school uniforms, ballet classes etc, then I am a great stepmom and she's telling me in front of the kids "Listen to LeeLee, otherwise you guys are gonna be in big trouble." but when she is not getting her way, or if she didn't get any from the latest lover or vibrator the night before its "tell that b* if she wants to put braids in someone's hair to have her own f* kids." Such nice adjectives when speaking about your children.
To wrap it all up, I can only speak on children who have a deficiency in their mother or father figure. I highly doubt that if a mother or father was doing the right things by their child/children would their child even fix their lips to call another person "Mommy or Daddy".
I also highly doubt that if EACH set of parents, whether bios or steps were doing all the right things by their children and not their emotions, then this board wouldn't even be in existence.
--Love,
Ms. D