Parallel Parenting?

[ladiva23]

Hello All!
 
DH and I have been reading up a lot on parallel parenting.  I agree that this works for our family and even may work temporarily with BM, but what happens when something done on our parenting time gets back to BM with only half the information?
 
As of right now, DH & BM are involved in high conflict parenting (and are at the disengagement bit) because of false allegations made by BM.
 
I am currently the third party used by both DH & BM to communicate issues concerning the children.   
 
On one hand, I don't mind (if just to prevent issues that come up when two immature people parent children, but on the other hand I feel if I'm emotionally drained by dealing with a person that I am angry with.
 
Do you guys have any suggestions for how we can do this effectively?

[tigger]

You can't do it effectively because you've stated that you are angry at BM and married to DH that automatically disqualifies you from being unbiased.

[ocean]

Just keep the child's best interest in place. Child should be with both bio parents whenever possible. If one is at work, child should be with other parent. A very detailed parenting plan should be out into place so there is not a lot of room for confusion. There are some very very long detailed ones on this site. Look at them, get all your issues down on paper that you had with mother and any others you may see coming up in the future. Go back to court and get it all written down with dates, times, locations.

[ladiva23]

Thank you both for your replies.  I know that I am not unbiased, but believing in emotional intelligence as I do; I feel that when we become adults, we will not always be in ideal situations and we have to make the best of them, especially if we don't want the thing to get out of control.  I suppose if I was a different person, I would bring things down to her level and argue about petty, mudane things, that I feel should be common sense to anyone with half a brain. 
 
But I just take a breath and give myself time before I respond to any e-mail, text or comment that she sends my way.  (perfect example.  We had the kids on her weekend so she could go out of town on a personal trip, and I text her if we could meet so I could pick up the kid's uniforms for school before she left. She never responded, so on Sunday, when she was supposed to pick up the kids, she said she was too far, and that they would have to just wear regular clothes when we took them to school.  Before I could say "Ok, thanks".  She starts texting 'shouldn't you have uniforms over there since you stated in the child support modification that you paid for uniforms."
 
It's like speaking to a small child sometimes.  I had to remind her that in '09-'10 school year and '10-'11 school year, yes we did buy uniforms for both children and gave them or the money to her. -  This current year even after what she put the children and my husband through, I still asked her if she needed help this year -because it is about the kids, and she e-mailed me back and said the kid's uniforms from last year still fit them.
 
The point of that conversation was what?  How can we have the items, if they were given to you and you do not give things back? Or at least provide them to us when we're parenting on your time.  There was no point. We just dressed them in the one set of uniforms we have in case of emergency, and we have not seen those back either.  (shrug)
 
I have been keeping my emotions in check, and I treat the kid's mom as if she is a business partner that I do not particularly like.  What else can I do that would be effective?  Yelling at her, cursing her out, wringing her neck, those things aren't going to help the situation.  So that's why I try to rationalize with her, but its hard being rational with an irrational person.
 
I have proposed a parenting plan (from Deltabravo -thanks Ocean), modified it based on issues and questions I know will come up or have come up with the children and gave it to her.  She states that any "additional time" the children spend with their father would be a conflict to her 'schedule'.  I get angry because I still feel like there is some underlying sense of control on her part.  So the children spend time with their grandparents everyday, who live in close proximity to us, but dad can't see the children with 1st rights of refusal?
 
Right now, she is afraid to deal with my DH because she knows he is mad/hurt/distrusting about the allegations and DH is afraid to deal with her because of the constant allegations.  Although she says that she is pretty much in agreeance concerning the children while we were in court for this past year - DH and I are fearful (mostly because of the history and other posts that I have seen here) that the kids' mom will change her mind and put things back to the bare minimum of the court order.
 
When I was asking for suggestions, I was asking for suggestions as far as how to move forward.  It won't be healthy to stay angry forever.

[ladiva23]

Ocean, I'm curious and don't mean to pry.
 
What type of custody does your DH have?  I feel as if my life has been non-stop documentation since 2009. 

[ocean]

Joint custody on paper....but lots and lots of issues. I have a step-daughter from my first marriage so I have been on this site for many years. Many of us have been here over 10 years!

Yes, you are right with first right of refusal but it should go both ways. If either parent is out of the house for a certain amount of time (put how many hours) or child needs a babysitter than the other parent gets first dibs.
Now at the same time, the child should see their grandparents and be allowed to sleep over every so often so common sense has to play some sort of role. You could tell her that her parents get kids on her time when she is home. Same for your side.

Most things, ignore or give few word responses "because you have all uniforms over there this year". I would however buy one set for each child at your house so you are prepared. Sell them back each year if they outgrow them. Easier than dealing with her if you want split custody.

What she agrees with, have her sign off on it. Keep getting kids more often and keep track. When you think you have it long enough (over 6 months) then you can file with the stuff she signed off on and the way you have been doing it. At that point is when she may pull back everything...

[ladiva23]

thanks guys!  I plan on being here for the long haul, looking forward to talking with you ladies soon.