Need some advice

[BachelorDad]

I'm the non custodial father sharing a joint 50/50 legal and physical custody arrangement with my ex wife of our 8 year old daughter.

This is a single issue modification case. 

My daughter has already had to repeat kindergarden based on the mother ( against my advice ) choosing a for profit school instead of the local well regarded public school available.  After the kindergarden fiasco when my daughter entered 1st grade ( in public school this time ), I sued ( in my daughter's name as her parent and legal guardian ) the for profit school ( using the proceeds from the settlement to establish a 509 college account for my daughter ), and worked with the public school to get my daughter tested ( I suspected she might have learning disabilities but wasn't sure ).  She was diagnosed with specific learning disabilities and for the past two years has had an IEP.  Her disabilities are manageable with appropriate support systems.  For 1st and 2nd grades I had a support system of tutors ( reading, mathematics, etc. ) that I paid for so that my daughter would have all the support necessary to succeed in school and the school was ecstatic about the success and progress my daughter had made for the past two years and credited me with such an effective response as a parent.  The mother didn't do much in the educational area *but* she didn't interfere with my efforts either.

Fast forward to this school year and it's a different story.  The mother has dismantled my tutors ( I was more than willing to continue to pay for the tutors but she has to provide the physical transportation to the library since she is the custodial parent ) and the school has made multiple phone calls and sent multiple letters home to the mother explaining that the child is not doing homework, failing tests, has excessive absenteeism & tardy's, that the tutors are an important part of her special educational needs, etc.  No response from the mother.  She hasn't attended a parent teacher conference in two years ( just myself ) so I'm doing the best I can to help my daughter.  I do get one overnight a week ( I pay for a hotel out of pocket so my daughter won't have to wake up early to go to school ) but it's not enough to "make a dent" so to speak.  Iowa Test Of Basic Skills Achievement Test Scores are so bad my daughter's percentile rankings are in the bottom 2% of the country.  She has regressed significantly.  And she was doing so well which is the frustrating part as her dad.

I have a very flexible job schedule ( I only have to work 180 days per year versus over 230 for the mother ), I don't work nights or weekends ( mother works two nights per week and two Saturday's per month ), and I have more understanding about my daughters needs and more resources available to me to meet those needs.

Complicating the situation is that other than this one area I have to admit she's a good mother.  My daughter is well fed, she has a roof over her head, she's well clothed and groomed every day for school.  My ex doesn't sleep around with guys ( not once in 7 years of separation \ divorce has a man ever stayed overnight ).    We get along.  Very few arguments ( she's the primary so I let her run the show ).  No major problems with me exercising my visitation.  I go by the school to have lunch with my daughter on my days off and I take her to Dentist, children's yoga classes, etc.  Other than school, my daughter is well adjusted.  My ex just picked a really important area of my daughters life to be really bad in managing with really bad results for my daughter.  The thought of a modification case doesn't make me happy.  But if she has to repeat third grade that will be the second time she's had to repeat in two years and I feel I would have no choice.

The judge that will get the case ( where I'm at the judge that granted your divorce is the same judge that will hear any modifications arising from that divorce ) is a very considered and thoughtful judge that adopted his young son.  As a matter of fact my attorney handled his adoption so she knows him very well.  My instincts say to file and at court ordered mediation ( here they require it ) try to work out a settlement where I get custody during the school year ( as the parent best suited to take care of my daughters special educational needs ) but to make minimal changes in child support ( my ex doesn't make much money and I on the other hand am very well compensated so paying her child support so she can effectively exercise her visitation is not a problem for me ).  I'm thinking that if she feels like that if she loses custody she loses her financial support system she's more likely to fight.  But if we take money "off the table" so to speak and look just at custody arrangements that there is a chance the case may settle.  Or maybe I'm dreaming and I should get ready for a fight.  What do you think?

[ocean]

How far away to you live? Would child have to switch schools if you get custody?

Going to be very hard to switch custody due to educational neglect if the school does not make the CPS call.

What if you offered mom exactly what you would ask at mediation. Then you can just make it legal. Offer her school vacations, long weekends, half summer...

Can you move closer and make more of a 50/50 situation? 

Is there extra help at school? after care program at school so mom does not need to drive and maybe have tutor meet there?

WHat would happen if you asked mom to meet at diner and talk it out....saying that she is a good parent but thsi one are you both have to work together as the school is even sending home letters about it.

Good luck (and not all the time you get your divorce lawyer for family court issues....plus they get voted in a different judge positions every few years).