Parenting schedules

[OneMan]

Hi. I'm trying to find what a typical summer visitation schedule is. My ex and I have shared physical custody. It is a 60/40 arrangement. Mother has 60.

Does anyone know what is typically done with summers in this kind of situation? I have searched around but can't figure it out.

In my situation, the schedule doesn't change during the summer except there is equal vacation time...3 weeks with each parent.

I have tried to negotiate more time with me during summer to make up for imbalance during school year, but she won't budge. It would mean going back to court. Yuck. But fair is also fair.

Any insight would be most appreciated.

[ocean]

Seems pretty right for my state. 3 weeks each. Really depends on both parents work schedules too. If she is working and you are home, can argue to get "first right of refusal" where you get kids before a babysitter/daycare/grandma.

3 weeks each is 6 total weeks. School usually closed around 9 weeks...so for the extra 3 weeks, you do the normal schedule.

[OneMan]

Interesting.


We have 12 weeks of summer vacation.


I work. So does she.


I saw schedules where the dad's time is increased during the summer to make up for imbalance during the year. Or maybe the nights are equal in number like it is at Christmas. Maybe I read that wrong. Like I said, it's hard to figure out.


I'm afraid that there is no "arguing" or "negotiating" with the ex on these types of issues. That would be so nice. So I'm trying to get a sense of how it's typically done in order to get a comparison.


I miswrote. Not 3 wks vacation, 2.


Any help is appreciated.

[ocean]

Sounds like you already get more than the standard during the year. Look up your state and what the standard plan looks like. Most are every other weekend, one day during week, holiday schedule, and 3 weeks for vacation.

You have to ask if it is really something that is worth your time (money) in court. Ask her for extra time when you are not working. She is prob concerned if it gets close to the 50/50 , child support will change. Enjoy your time with them and yes, in the perfect world you should have 50/50 but you are pretty close and have a better parenting plan than most ncp's.

[MixedBag]

are you divorced yet or still working on that?

HALF the summer is what I would "recommend" or work toward -- OR all of the summer less giving the mother a chance to also take a vacation.

There is no standard in states' codes.  I personally gave 6 weeks (half the summer) and left it that way when the school system here went to a shorter summer (and now the system is back to a long summer).  I received/he agreed to 6 weeks which was half the summer.
If you're already divorced, the threshold to get things changed is harder -- so if you're not divorced, keep plugging away IMHO.

[MixedBag]

On the flip side -- as an NCP I learned that any daycare I had to pay didn't help me on my taxes....it only could be claimed by a CP.

[OneMan]

 Thanks. I'm not NCP. We have a joint custody settlement--even though it is 60/40. That refers to the nights. We share all expenses 50-50.

In the past I have usually worked from home so I've taken care of child during the day. This has meant much more parenting time with me. It was great for our child. Now that I no longer work from home, a lot of parenting time with me is gone.

That is why I am trying to equal out the time. I'm trying to figure out whether it is best to pick up the time during the summer or during the year. Both of our work schedules allow either approach. I tried to talk to my ex about modifying the schedule and she became combative, abusive and hysterical. I mean that literally. I don't know why. Nobody who knows us understands why. It is very hard to discuss anything in that kind of emotional climate. She won't discuss going to a mediator either.

She is much happier that I don't work from home anymore. She didn't like the old arrangement. Even though I worked at home and our child wanted to be at home, she wanted our child in an afterschool program. But she wanted me to pay the whole bill. This made no sense. Our child has an established home with me. But she said she didn't like the idea of so much more time with me during the day because that felt unequal to her. So this is not about her concern that support payments will change. It will remain at 50-50.

Court is pricey and unpredictable and is to be avoided at all costs. But I just don't know what else to do. In the past we had a custody fight but I am a devoted father who supports my child, does most of the driving to classes and playdates, is involved in every aspect of education, health care, etc, and so she couldn't get the sole custody she wanted because she didn't have a strong case. That outcome made her furious. She made it clear that her preference was for me to disappear so she could raise our child by herself. I base this on a lot of hostility and lack of cooperation. But there is no way in the world I will do that. If I still worked from home this wouldn't be an issue.

That's all a long way of explaining why I am looking for how other people's parenting schedules are in similar circumstances.

[MixedBag]

You're the NCP because she has 60% of the time and when it comes to deciding on which school district the child will attend, it will follow Mom, not you.

She also gets to claim the child on tax returns -- because she has the child 60% of the time.

It's not meant to be a "bad" or negative thing....k?

You can  have JOINT custody and JOINT Legal custody, but someone always ends up the primary residential parent.

And with that comes "power"....as in Mom "doesn't have to get along with you"; cry wolf to the judge and she'll be allowed to make final decisions.

Overnights is how the courts look at it.

And how much does it affect child support -- in your state -- if you have more overnights with the child?

What about a right of first refusal clause to reduce the hours the child is with any babysitter?

Does the original order say that you get to watch the child during the day while you work from home?  Or did she do that as a courtesy?

[OneMan]

Shared physical custody, taxes split, no child support or support order because it is 60/40, neither person decides alone on school district, there is a "right of first refusal," and nothing is done as a courtesy. As per settlement. Even ex doesn't claim I am ncp.

[MixedBag]

well, that's awesome!

So how is your 60/40 time defined now?  then maybe I can brainstorm some ideas

[OneMan]

The long and short of it is that the child is with one parent about a month more per year. That's the hassle of 60/40 no matter what it's called. Anyway, it's my primary concern and the thing that I'm set on changing. So I wonder: Is it better to adjust the time during the year or by adding a couple of weeks in the summer?

My assumption is that the typical CP/NCP plan backends nights with NCP in the summer so that the total number of nights per year equals out. But I just don't know and I'm trying to find a basis for comparison.

My personal belief is that it's best spread it out over the year and to leave the summer untouched. But since my ex will only deal with this via the court, what I think is beside the point. I need to present a case resembling some sort of a standard plan. I say this because I've noticed that in family law people tend to like established templates.

[MixedBag]

OK, well THAT doesn't help me much or answer my question.

BUT I'm gathering that you already have an order in place.

I'm gonna go from that assumption....

If you have an order in place, you have to prove that additional time with the father (mother in my case) is in the best interest of the child.  And while true 50/50 seems to make sense, "you're" (and neither was I for my own case in court) not an expert. 

Step one is to have a significant change in circumstances -- and that could be or your argument would be that you are no longer a work from home parent where the child was also spending time with you, but now you work outside the home and THE CHILD's time with you has been reduced.

Step two is to show that this is harmful to the child (but unavoidable by yourself) and that more time with your during your off days is good for the child.

Step three is to find a professional or expert witness to testify to this fact (that's where I failed).

I found myself in a position where I could retire and stay at home -- and as a long distance parent, I was hoping for more time with our son over the summer since Dad worked a full time job and didn't take/had only 2-3 weeks of vacation throughout the year.

The judge did find that I had a significant change in circumstances to file and ask the court, BUT since our son was "doing fine" with "what time he had with his mother" the court found no reason to change/increase the parenting schedule as I requested.

HOW the schedule could be improved to achieve 50/50 in your case is unclear to me since you didn't share specific wording or details as to what your current order says.

As a long distance parent, I had to let my girls go for 4 weeks each summer and one week that alternated over Christmas (Dad had 4 weeks of vacation annually from work).  But that divorce was British and in 1990.  Joint legal custody was a very new concept there.

As the long distance parent to my son (1996), he agreed to one week that alternated between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter/Spring Break, and 6 weeks (half) the summer, and one weekend a month but I had to travel 12 hours one way and couldn't take him for than 5 hours away from his home -- translation, not back to the rest of his family, an attempt to alienate our son from my side of the family -- and YES, eventually, I used that clause all the time and it pissed him off because I figured out how to use it)

When I was with EX#3, he got alternating weeks over Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Easter/Spring break and 6 weeks over the summer (1998).