my ex wife changes my daughter in public

[cianna]

My ex wife cannot handle me getting my daughter ready for events.  She will not provide me with the proper clothing to get my daughter ready.  When I ask her, she will make up excuses like it needs to be dry cleaned, ironed.  she also tells my daughter she doesn't want her to dirty her uniforms.  She tells any excuse to not send her event clothing. Now the new excuse is she is telling my daughter she is doing it so that she doesn't bother me with it. 

She has even had my daughter call me and tell me "my mom will get me ready"  I finally put my foot down this Halloween when my daughter told me she pulled over and changed my daughter into her Halloween costume in a parking lot.  She packs my daughter a over night bag every weekend and drops it off at daycare before I pick her up.  This shows she can pack the costumes and event clothes, she chooses not to.   Our divorce papers clearly state she must provide me with proper clothing for events. 

I really want to tell her our daughter wont go to events if she doesn't pack the clothing but I do not want to punish my daughter for her mothers actions.  I did yell at my ex wife and told her "no more" in front of my daughter.  My daughter yelled at me for not getting a long with her mother and I explained that getting dressed in public when I can get her ready is not right.  She is 10 and needs her privacy.  I told my ex wife it is a violation of my daughters safety and it will not happen again. 

I am afraid this will happen again because I have been trying to get it to stop for 7 years.  I am wondering if I should send her a letter or have a face to face talk before I take legal action.  I have told her more than once but she will say things like "this is my daughter, i will do what I want."  I need to protect my daughter and Id rather keep it out of court to avoid a fight.  I do not want the stress on my daughter because her mother already does all kinds of psychological mind games on my daughter to try and hurt me. 

Any suggestions on how I should approach enforcing this?  I thought about sending her a letter notifying she is in violation of the divorce decree.  (my ex is very controlling and is her behaviors represent a narcissistic sociopath this is only one scenario of the not right minded things my ex does to control my daughter and me.)

[Waylon]

I understand your objections to what she's doing. and I'd be upset too. She sounds like a classic obstructive/combative parent (many of us have had similar experiences like what you describe).

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the sad fact is that the court probably won't give a damn about any of it.

The courts only seem to care if 1) the child is actually being put in some sort of clear, obvious, and immediate danger, or 2) if the violations are serious and rise to the level of actual criminal behavior.

Many of us here have dealt with the kind of thing you describe for years, and in most cases the court just doesn't care. They're either too overburdened to deal with it or they don't want to waste their time on what they consider to be "minor infighting".

The thing is to try to let this kind of thing roll off your back and don't let it trigger you to anger or frustration. Come to terms with the fact that she's probably always going to be this way, and just do your best to work around it or mitigate it.

She's not going to change, and she almost certainly gets a kick out of how it upsets you, so she'll keep doing it for as long as she can. And she probably knows that the court won't do a thing no matter ow much money you spend on attorneys (who'll be glad to take your money, by the way).

[MixedBag]

Exactly

[tigger]

Is it possible to get duplicate clothing for events?  Cheaper than court.

[Kitty C.]

I agree with tigger and that 's exactly what we did when DH's ex refused to send SS's Cub Scout shirt with him.  I found a very nice used one and was able to duplicate almost everything on it.  Pissed the ex off when she realized she couldn't get the upper hand.  After that, she gave up.
Try to duplicate as much as you can.  As for next and future Halloweens, take your daughter out shopping for a costume and tell her she can either get the same thing her mom gets her or she can get something completely different.  And that you're doing your best to make things smoother and less stressful for her.
 

[ocean]

I agree...this is not for court.
Pick your battles, it is frustrating what she is doing but this is not something to get so worked up about. Ignore her behavior. If child comes in outfit, so be it. If you planned something else on your time, child changes when they get home to your house. This will stop soon as child will not put up with this nonsense by mom  in a few years. If you can get second uniform then great, so if mom "forgets" you have one. Mostly IGNORE mom....

[Waylon]

I remember that I used to send my son over in nice clothes and he'd come back in worn out junk, not quite rags but close. I stared taking pics of him when he got into her car to leave AND as soon as he climbed out of her car when he came back....I made it obvious what I was doing and after a while she stopped sending him back in her cast-off crap.

I also would go to Goodwill or another thrift store and drop $50 or so from time to time...for $50 you can get a quite an armload of nice clothes in good condition (often as good as new).

$50 at Sears: a pair of pants, two shirts, a couple of pairs of socks.

$50 at a thrift store: 4 pairs of pants, 4~5 shirts, 4 t-shirts, a belt, a pair of brand-new shoes, a good jacket in like-new condition and a wool winter cap. (I always bought new socks and underwear from Sears, Fred Meyer or Kmart).

[KyleCClark]

How can anyone do this.

[MixedBag]

Welcome, Kyle!  Old thread