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Author Topic: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!"  (Read 1748 times)

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A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!"
« on: Mar 21, 2004, 08:03:44 PM »
I am not a father but I am in rhe same hell and have been for 17
There was np help back thenears  

           My husband died 19 years ago leaving me penniless with a 2 month old a 2 year and a 7 year old, My late husbands family were well to do but would give me any help. They wanted my children
, After 3 years if getting no where I was forced to send my children to my husbands sister until I could get on my feet, I was told I needed to give them guardianship for medical treatment. My kids were in need of medical and dental work so glad;y sign When I tried to bring my children home to me they refused to give them back. The money I had saved for their return would be spent on lawyers and then some. I was told that I could see them one day week without any overnights. if I gave them any problems I would not see them at all.
Within three years my children were totally brainwashed. The rest of the story reads word for word in the description of PAS.
I continued to see them until they stopped the visits, For the last seventeen years I he written them a few times a week. with very few responses, Still I never stopped
. I had given up UNTIL YESTERDAY An E. Mail from my 22 year old daughter. I am in a state of shock. I need to respond. I must have written 100 different letters. I cannot stop crying long enough to think straight I do not want to say anything wrong.
I am going to share the letter with you because It may give hope to those that have given up. I also ask for some suggestions and impute on what I should say in my response.


There is a god and she answered my prayrs

This is the letter from my daughter .

Dear Mom,
I am writing this to you not really knowing if I’m actually going to send it to you. I am going to attempt to explain to you some of the things that I feel, which perhaps will explain why I act the way I do. First and foremost, I want you to know that I do not hate you, nor have I ever felt hatred toward you. I’m not sure if you even thought this, but I figured it’s best to make that clear right away. I am not going to deny feelings of anger, although I’m not sure that I can explain exactly what I am angry about. It’s not even so much directed at you, as it is the entire situation in which we find ourselves. I know that you did what you thought was best for us, and for that I am grateful. I realize that relinquishing custody of your children had to of been one of the hardest things you’ve ever done and I’m sure that not a day goes by that you don’t think about it. I also know that you’ve made an effort to try and move past what happened in the past and have tried to salvage some sort of relationship with us. I have not dealt with this the right way, but I’ve been dealing with it the only way I know how to, and that is to try and ignore it. The truth of the matter is, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not “meeting you half way” and attempting to have a relationship with you. It’s not something that I’ve felt a burning need to do. This is not to say that I don’t want to have any contact with you. I just don’t believe that it’s possible for us to have a typical mother/daughter relationship. I’ve always felt as if that is what you were trying to form, which may be why I’ve resisted forming any relationship at all. I know that you think that I ignore you and I go home every weekend to spend time with my other family. In reality, I really don’t get a chance to go home that often because of all the things that I am involved with at school. Even when I do go home, it’s not like I go see everyone. I generally stay at home and if people come to me, then that’s cool. I don’t feel a burning desire to visit with everyone though. I am not a social person. This even applies to members of my own family.

You probably think that I am antisocial when I’m over at your house and that I act like I don’t want to be there. The fact is, however, that’s how I am no matter where I am. Unless I’m sitting by myself, or with a very small group of people, I am seldom 100% comfortable. At your house, it seems like there are always people stopping by or staying over for a while. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, because it shows how willing you are to open your home to your friends. It’s nice that you give them a place to go. I’m just not comfortable around strangers. I know that you can relate to this, because I believe you share this problem. If I were to ask you to come over while my friends were over, I think you’d be uncomfortable. This is extremely evident on holidays, when there are usually lots of people over at your house. I’m not saying that I want you to stop this, because that’s part of your life. I’m just trying to explain to you why I am uncomfortable most of the time. When I’m over and it’s just you (or John and Harold), I’m totally fine. I enjoy talking with you and updating you on what’s going on in my life, and I like hearing what’s going on with you. I guess the reason I don’t come over often is because it’s never a guarantee that things will be like that. I never know what to expect when I go to your house, and that is unsettling for me. I like to know what I’m getting into before I set out to do something. It’s wrong of me to request that nobody else be present when I choose to visit because my visits shouldn’t interrupt your life.

As for phone conversations, or lack there of, I kind of feel like it’s always up to me to call you. I know that you have my phone number, and yet it is rare that I get a call from you. I realize that it is also rare that I call you, but I’m stubborn and it’s kind of like I’m saying that I can go as long as you can go without calling. I have a hard time calling you for reasons I would normally call other people. I can’t call you to ask you a question or ask a favor of you because then it’s assumed that I only call you when I want something. So, I overcompensate for this by not asking you for anything. I know that you have your hands full with John and you have your own things to deal with. I respect that. I know that I should make a better effort to call you, but it’s hard for me. It seems like whenever we do talk, it has to evolve into some deep conversation. These conversations are emotionally exhausting to me. I have enough things to deal with because of school and just life in general. I never feel like I can just call you to “shoot the breeze” because deep down I dread the deep conversation. I will admit that this is wrong of me, because I know that there needs to be conversation like this. I know that the only way to get past all this crap is to talk about it and get it out in the open. I think that you’ll understand that it’s easier for me to do this on paper than it is in person or on the phone. The reason there has been a lack of response to your emails in the past is because I always felt like the purpose of those emails was to make me feel guilty. After reading them, I would always feel like a horrible person. I didn’t (and still don’t) know how to change that. I don’t know how to change the way I am toward/with you. I don’t know if I can give you what you want. I don’t know that I have that in me. I am willing to move forward though and try to salvage some sort of relationship. The best I can offer right now is a type of friendship. As much as I’ve tried to put this off and ignore it, it’s become apparent that I cannot be happy until this is resolved. I am not a mean person, and I can’t keep ignoring the extreme amount of guilt that I feel for being so closed off and cold towards you. This isn’t something that can change overnight, and I hope you realize that. I am not a fan of change and I’m not quite sure how to proceed with this, but I guess that’s something we’ll figure out along the way.

Never stop having fun, because if you did, life would be boring--



 
 

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nosonew

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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #1 on: Mar 22, 2004, 05:36:31 AM »
From reading what you wrote and what the letters from dtr says, this is my gist of this:

Hubby died, you were left without sufficient money/job to raise your kids (which you actually could have done in hindsite Im sure) except his family offerred to help, which helped you and them at the time, but burned some major bridges with the kids.  I guess they feel like some adopted kids feel, that they weren't important enough for you to fight or whatever for them.  DO THEY KNOW the entire story?  That may make a big difference, and if they do, it may take a while for it to sink in, and you seem to be getting somewhere with the 22 year old.

1.  Don't EVER blame the kids for what they did or didn't do to make your relationship better/stronger, etc.  It is not their fault.  PAS can do ugly things to them, and unless you buck up and take all the heat, they will not accept the truth (with age generally).  

2. DO make "dates" with your daughter for some quality one on one time, without other family/friends around.  Make sure she is aware that this will be HER time with you and that "I won't be missing out on anything, I will have YOU here with me, that is most important".  

3.  When you do make these "dates" with your daughter, honor your offering of "people free zone" so she is comfortable.  Inform friends and other family that you/house is off limits on such and such dates/times. If someone comes over, just tell them you are having your daughter over/daughter is there for one-on-one time and to come back later. Take the phone off the hook or turn off ringer while she is there.  Focus on restoring your relationship.  

4.  Do explain your situation WITHOUT blaming her other family that you must dislike immensely.  I know this is hard, but these people have now raised her and she must love them.  Don't blatently badmouth them, just explain your situation and you can always say something like this: "We both loved you kids, and even when I could financially have you back, they couldn't imagine their lives without you and wouldn't allow it, no matter how hard I tried".  That says alot without saying something bad about them.

5.  Do try to "start all over" if possible.  

6.  Do let her know how much you love her, and that you want to be her friend. (Moms and daughters become good friends after they get to adulthood, and that is a great start for you!).

7.  Do make an effort to call her, perhaps set a day per week at 7pm or something to call. Never miss a call.

8.  Tell her not to feel guilty, as there isn't anything that can change the past, only the future, and tell her how much you appreciate her opening up and letting you know how she is really feeling.

You have alot of pent up anger, and some of it may be mis-directed towards the kids.  I know you don't do this intentionally, but perhaps you could talk with a therapist about your anger and get rid of it. It doesn't help anyone at this stage of the game.  And quit feeling guilty! You can't re-do the past, and neither can the kids.  Just remember about "unconditional love".  That in itself works wonders with PAS.
I wish you the best.  You have been in a tough spot for years, and now that the kids are older, you can take the bull by the horns and build long-lasting relationships with your kids, starting with 22 year old.  the others may follow soon.  

My prayers are with you.  Keep us updated.

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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #2 on: Mar 22, 2004, 08:36:41 AM »

Gee  your insight to the problem was just great .
No hind sift no question in my mind. I could not have raised the children alone.Or I should say with any kind ofchance for a duture .  I was with my husband since I was 15 . Married at
 I was with my husband since I was 15 and married at 19 .  
We did not have many friends, We did everything with his family. We were all there more than we were home I mean all of us. Every major decision we made was a family one. my husband had problems and the family woes there no matter what. They blamed me for their son being gone and punished me .I was never exposed to the world.out side of the family ,  I was never alone. I had no job no skills and no money $0000000000.
When my husband died so did my place in the family.  They did me no favor they waited like vultures for my children. My children never had a chance to feel I did not care. I drove 160 miles every weekend to pick them up and take them to my place where I had set up a small business and planed to bring the m back there. I was not aware of what was being done. There was no PAs message board or any thing to help me. My chalderns resentment came from the things that were put in their head. My question Is do I let her know about Pas. Or would that be to much at once. I do not want to make her feel like she is in the middle again, But ow will she know that I did love her and never left her

 

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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #3 on: Mar 28, 2004, 02:14:43 PM »

lI am so very sorry for my more than rude post.You were so kind to reply .I was up all night trying to write a responce .I guess I snaped .Please forgive me  

KAT

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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #4 on: Mar 28, 2004, 03:03:47 PM »
I don't mean to be rude..Mr.KAT is going thru PAS himself. He hasn't seen his daughter in 5 years his son in over 2.
The one thing I will say here is that it's probably time you have an *adult* relationship with your daughter. Her letter suggests (at least to me) that these deep conversations have to do with the past...the past that simply can not be changed, you can't live it over. Would have, should have, could have, it's all a moot point.
Mom, she's 22 (and sounds like regardless of what happened she has a great head on her shoulders!), I have a 20 year old who lives in a different state. We don't talk daily or even weekly. Though we love each other to death. Right now he just can't be bothered with dear old Mom. He simply hasn't matured to that level yet, he's still figuring things out for himself. It's the same when I was that age with my mother. I'm sure that the frequency of communication will continue as she moves forward into adulthood. She'll need you for advice & wisdom. Right now she just wants to be a young adult learning by her own mistakes & forgetting as best she can about the past. She was a child, she certainly couldn't control things nor does she wish to relive it thru your eyes.
Maybe it would better if there was just a *girls* lunch or dinner a month in a public place. Eat, talk, leave...nothing heavy, just the two of you (and good food!) That way you would be leaving the lines of communication open without putting your daughter in a situation(s) that leaves her stressed out.
Best of luck!
KAT


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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #5 on: Mar 28, 2004, 03:20:25 PM »
The sad fact is I never left her .My daughter is a classic case of PAS
My husband died leaving with a 2 month old a 2 year old and a seven year old I had $2.50 and no insurance . No skills and no job.My inlaws were well to do but would ofer me no help after Two years of struggling I was forced to send my children to live with my late husbands sister . We had a loving ,healthy relationship.I signed legal guardianship for medical reasons.Or so I was told . I visited my children every chance I could untill she put them in so many activities they never had time . Then she felt 1 day per week was enough . I never missed that day . In time my children became very indiffrent to me and very criticle .They insisted I gave them up for drugs and that ntheir aunt was protecting them .My messages were not recieved and I was never informed when they were in need , They were told I did not care .They only came once in a while .I sent them cards and E mails every week .I went to every special event in their life and sat in the back ground . Three years ago My 16 year old son wanted ti spend summers with me . She said no so he ran away .She went to court and gave up guardianship and disowned him . He is with me and goes in and out of the brainwashing . My daughters stopped seeing me because they were afraid of being rejected . The young woman that wrote the letter is not able to handle any kind of conflict .I had many adult conversations but when it came to any kind of visits there was nothing . I walk on eggshells because she is so very sensitive .I am human and I have lost my temper a few times but with her I quickly compose myself ..Only out of frustration .They were afraid of the aunts ,reaction. I There was no help for me when I could have made a diffrence . I had no money to fight her There is nothing to salvage except their free will .


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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #6 on: Mar 28, 2004, 03:36:15 PM »
KAT
At 22 years my daughter is a very smart woman. She is a music major turned Forensic Biologist. She is sensitive and kind and we are very much alike in many ways . I know  how very hard this is on her .   The thing is her aunt still has a hold on her and it is gotten tighter since my son turned traitor. I am not the one that cannot leave the past.I have thought it might be better to just let her live in peace
The other two children never showed a sign of guilt or acknowledged my efforts. This makes me worry about her well being if this is not resolved before I die. It will haunt her.

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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #7 on: Mar 28, 2004, 03:36:17 PM »
KAT
At 22 years my daughter is a very smart woman. She is a music major turned Forensic Biologist. She is sensitive and kind and we are very much alike in many ways . I know  how very hard this is on her .   The thing is her aunt still has a hold on her and it is gotten tighter since my son turned traitor. I am not the one that cannot leave the past.I have thought it might be better to just let her live in peace
The other two children never showed a sign of guilt or acknowledged my efforts. This makes me worry about her well being if this is not resolved before I die. It will haunt her.

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