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Author Topic: 9 year old does not like to hang out with his father  (Read 89 times)

balleros

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9 year old does not like to hang out with his father
« on: Jun 28, 2020, 10:26:12 PM »
My son's father was absent for most of my son's life. He started to spend time with my son since this pandemic affected us. But since they never developed a relationship, I was around them for most of the visits. I did try to have them alone so that they could connect. I would say that his father visited him about 6  times since March.
Well this weekend my son said that he does not like to hang out with his father.
He knows that his father is safe and he is not a bad guy but clearly,my son knows he was absent for so long and he has already established a solid relationship with my boyfriend.
I am trying to be understanding of everyone here.
First, my kid. He knows that we can't fight feelings and if he feels that he does not like to hang out with his father,then those are his true feelings and I want to acknowledge them.
Then, his father. he does know that my son sees my boyfriend as a father figure and he knows that my son is not ready to call him father.
At the moment, he does not know what my son shared with me.
Any advice on how to proceed.
we were used to being ignored or ghosted and now this is a new situation.
thanks


ocean

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Re: 9 year old does not like to hang out with his father
« Reply #1 on: Jun 29, 2020, 08:30:07 AM »
First you should not be comparing the relationship with his father to your boyfriend. Children can always have another person that loves them. You thinking about them all is great and encouraging the time between them is important.

Most kids do not want to get up, dressed and forced out of the house at a certain time. Child might think he is missing things at your house when he is with dad. Dad needs time to bond and sometimes that does not mean he must bring child out and be a "disney" dad (takes them to fun places or out to eat every single visit).

Talk to dad and express child's concerns nicely. "just wanted you to know that xx had a hard time getting ready to go, maybe you can talk to him a bit this visit. I want him to have as many people in his life that love him but he may need some encouragement from all of us. My boyfriend is not a replacement of you but another person in his life....." If this is dad's only child then he may need some "parenting" tips as to what child likes to do. Depending on the heath situation where you live, child can spend time with cousins/family from his dad side on dad's time.

As for child, almost same conversation and encourage him to bring a game/toy /activity to bring on the visits. Tell him he can talk to his dad about things.

Hang in there, hopefully dad keeps visiting and you all remain able to get along for the sake of child.

balleros

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Re: 9 year old does not like to hang out with his father
« Reply #2 on: Jul 01, 2020, 03:15:19 PM »
I would agree with you in terms of not wanting to go with father because of other things but so far, most activities he has done with his father are activities he would do with me, too. We have done mainly family outings: bike, hike, walk, museum. Only two visits they were alone. For one they went on a bike ride and for the other on a car ride and my son showed him his school and fav places.
but yes, he needs to get used to the new situation.
I do have to bring up my boyfriend because he has been around since the pregnancy and my son considered him family way before I did.

 

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