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Author Topic: Fighting abuser who alienated self  (Read 2688 times)

shamrock

  • Guest
Fighting abuser who alienated self
« on: Dec 01, 2003, 07:22:36 AM »
During my divorce 9 yrs ago, I was gullible.  There had been so much domestic violence unreported and so much denial that even mental health experts who kept warning me I and my children were in danger by remaining in the home were ignored.  But when he injured my pet dog, the vet ushered in social services.  That social service worker is my heroine.  She looked at me and said, "You have knowledge of his abuse towards you and your dog, and you still remain in denial....so I'm going to hold you responsible for the safety of your children....and if they get abused, I'll hold you responsible too, because you have full knowledge of his abusiveness, but you do nothing."
She woke me up, alright!  Divorce began, I was stalked, harassed by in-laws, baby taken from daycare and used as pawn to lure me for final plea to save marriage.  Asked for restraining order, showing police docs proving instability and domestic violence.  It was denied.  Had a lonely, rough mt to climb.  Thought about giving-up and almost did once.  After his court ordered visitation began, me and the baby-sitter constantly harassed by anonymous calls alleging child abuse.  Never any proof, just harrassing calls.  Endured...six weeks later he abandons visitation, harrassing calls stop.  Eleven months later, my attorney requests GAL to bring my ex to the table and finalize divorce.  GAL knew I was his victim, knew he abandoned his daughter......but he saw how gullible I was.......His advice to me?  Please help facilitate re-entry and help your darling daughter have her father in her life.  Its hard to resist those rose-colored pictures these legal experts want to draw.  I agreed.  He visited her in my home (he insisted we be parenting partners for his visitation)  and after 18 months, abandoned our daughter a second time.  I felt so guilty for setting my daughter up to be his victim.  A year or so later, he ran from her at a family reunion.  Third degree child  abandonment.  A couple of years later he marries, has his attny warn me not to interfere with his newfound desire to be her dad.  My attny stipulates supervised visitation and counseling expenses.(Psyc advises repeat rejection will be harmful)  I've watched my daughter go through emotional roller-coaster rides and fear for her.(remembering how his emotional abuse turned physical eventually)  Guess what?  He abandons his fourth chance to re-unite with her and disappears again.  Child support stops.  I get laid-off job.  I rent out home to reduce expenses.  I look for opportunities out of state and find property suitable to fulfill our dreams.  I enforce child support.  He trespasses on my property trying to approach the daughter he ran from.  She runs from him!  He blames me and pulls me into court for alienating him...what a laugh!  Do you think the court professionals will protect my daughter?  Do you blame me for not to wanting to have anything to do with nurturing this father/daughter bond?  I've had mental health experts and social workers tell me he was a danger to me and my children!  Will the judge be culpable and held responsible if my daughter endures further abuse?  Is there an attny who understands victim rights, espec the right not to be forced into contact with your abuser?  Is there any support for parents who stuck it out and were true blue or will all the awards be handed out to cheap imposters?  We are all part of this social dilemna.  Whats fair?  To whom?  Can't the home thats been stable be sanctified?  With every decision comes a sacrifice............I just hope the courts realize how my daughter's life will be torn apart if they decide the cheap imposter deserves an audience.


Indigo Mom

  • Guest
RE: My little girl is on the roller coaster, too.....
« Reply #1 on: Dec 01, 2003, 09:41:06 AM »
She's going to meet her therapist for the 1st time on Friday.

When I met him a little bit ago, he told me that children can tolerate and adapt to a "less than desirable" parent with funky quirks as long as they're CONSISTANT in the life.  What kids can NOT "handle" is a parent who comes and goes every year or so.

My daughters therapist says that is unacceptable behavior for a parent.  

The difference between your daughters father and my daughters father is that my daughters father wasn't physically abusive towards me or her.  There's only one thing I can say about him that's good...and that's that he won't physically assault her.  He's just an idiot without a clue.

Is it possible that your daughters father is unable to understand exactly what he's doing to her?  I'm CONVINCED my daughters father has no clue.  He doesn't care, yet he bounces back in every year...and we're in the middle of yet another bouncing right now...that's why she's in therapy before she sees him.

One thing you must understand, and yes, I've had to choke this down recently, too...is that he IS her father.  What has to be done is another attempt to get the two of them together.  I don't know how old your lil lady is, but mine is 5.  She's been living this abandonment thing her ENTIRE life.

This is her fathers final chance.  The GAL, myself, and the therapist after speaking to her father are convinced he'll bail again.  (the therapist was NOT impressed with him one bit and is concerned for the child) But this time, we have a professional involved who can help her when he does.  This is the final time for him.  If he can't/won't get it together this time, he's done for good.

I strongly urge you to get a child therapist.  One that will meet Dad first, then you, then you and the child...and it will proceed from there with eventual visitation in the therapists office with child and Father.  

Your goal should be to have a father for your child.  If it's impossible because he just doesn't want her in his life, THEN...AND ONLY THEN...should you take further action to remove him.  


evilstepmom

  • Guest
RE: Fighting abuser who alienated self
« Reply #2 on: Dec 09, 2003, 10:24:52 AM »
did you at any time, deny his visitation? in your profile it says you are male, yet in your post you are refering to your ex as a male? i am confused! i dont mean to pry but your post is almost identical to our situation but the other side. in our case, she tells the court that my husband has abandoned his daughter but in reality, she is refusing visits  and counting each refusal of visitation as if he didnt show up! who are you? send me a message please!

Indigo Mom

  • Guest
RE: Fighting abuser who alienated self
« Reply #3 on: Dec 09, 2003, 10:30:33 AM »
-----in your profile it says you are male, yet in your post you are refering to your ex as a male? -----

Mine said I was male, too.  If you don't fill out that profile form, you'll be given a written sex change...LOL


 

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