Visitation seems to be going well, but...

[stressedstepmom]

We got the boys on Sunday morning, left to come home with them Sunday evening. At first OSS was moody, but nothing major (he is 13 after all). YSS who is 12 was having fun from the moment he arrived. The problem I am having is that BM sent a cell phone with OSS. Communication has never been a problem on our end, BM is the one who always avoids DHs phone calls. The cell phone wouldn't be a big deal, but BM called twice in the first 2 hours we had the boys and OSS called her a couple of times.  So DH and I decided once we got home we would have a talk with OSS about the phone and tell him that we don't mind it but we also aren't going to allow it to be abused. This is DHs time after all, and if the tables were turned and we were calling every hour then she would come after us for harrasment. Once we got home though we never had a problem so we decided not to talk to OSS about it. He just leaves the phone lying around and turned off. Then I noticed that he would turn it on and see if he had any messages but if anyone was around he wouldn't check his messages. I figured that BM was using OSS to gather information for our upcoming court date (although I have no idea what information it could actually be). So of course I had to get nosey (and I felt really bad about it but I felt we had to know). When everyone went out earlier I turned his phone on and checked his messages.  There were 4 messages (this is only their 4th day with us). The first message though made my blood boil and now I don't know what to do. She is reciting a poem to the boys and then she starts crying. She tells them all kinds of things like don't forget me, I don't know how I will make it 6 weeks without you, I hate you being there, I am so scared for you, I am sorry you had to go (she took DH to court to try and stop visitation with no reason to do so) and she just goes on and on crying the whole time of course. The other messages are similar but not as bad. Just her sounding extremely sad and worried that my DH is going to hurt them or something.  These boys have been spending summer visitation with their father for 7 years now, so this is nothing new for her. But I am so pissed off, everything could be going great and then what if OSS checks his messages and then starts feeling guilty for having a good time? Geez no wonder the boy is moody! Has anyone else dealt with this before or does anyone have any suggestions for what I should do?  My first thought was to take the phone straight to the post office and send it to her and tell her to knock her crap off, but I know that will only make it worse.

[Kitty C.]

First, I'd be getting those messages copied.  This is blatant attempts at PAS.  And since the phone was in YOUR home, and OSS IS a minor in your home.....do you have proof of ownership??  ;-)

Has your DH heard it or know about it yet?  As for OSS being moody, that could go either way, considering the age he is, cuz it could be hormonal, too.  But that garbage has got to stop!

[Ref]

I can completely relate. When SD came over 4 weeks ago, BM called everyday, several times a day but left no message on our machine. She emails SD 2 times a day and yells at SD for not replying more than a couple times a week.  If SD is on IM  BM is always there. She just sent a care package. DEAR GOD! If yours is anything like ours, she is desperatly trying to cling on to her power over SD.

It pisses me off cause it upsets SD (mom always tells her about sick pet, friends missing her etc). I don't really care much now. The frequency of phone calls has diminished to once every other day. I can handle that. As far as spying goes. Let him give her reports.  Nothing to hide. Let her find out about the fun things you are doing etc...

BM freaked out on SD about not emailing her and calling her more than a couple times a week. She played the whole "you don't miss me" crap. I heard part of the conversation cause SD was in the kitchen when BM started flipping out.  After she got off the phone she was frustrated and I told her she could talk to me about it. She told me a bit but as usual clammed up about her mom. I said nothing except that she should give me a frustration hug. I showed her a bear hug that I give DH when I am frustrated. She liked the idea and gave me a very painful frustration hug. Made her feel better, I am still healing.

Good luck. 13 is a hard age without all of this drama

[Stepmom0418]

I would get rid of the phone!!! There is no reason to make them boys feel guilty about spending time with their father. Do as you said and send it back to her along with a note that says she can call your home phone to talk to the kids. But personally I wonder if you can use the messages in court. Do you have an attorney? GAL? Upcomming court cases? Hopefully the others here can offer more advice this is just my initial reaction as it was yours but I would for sure get rid of that phone!!

[stressedstepmom]

I am going to send the messages to my mailbox and then copy them. But since I had to put in a password to get his messages can I get in trouble for that?  I know that is the first thing she would make a stink about. I was thinking along the same lines as what you said Kitty, that he is a minor and he is in our house and so it the phone.
We also went through the pain of BM emailing OSS constantly or being on IM the last time we had the boys. She only seems to do this at least to the extreme with OSS.  So far she hasn't talked to YSS when she calls but in the messages its for both of them. She also sends all kinds of letters and care packages when they are here but I don't mind that. Well the letters I do because they are always like her phone messages are.  It is just so frustrating because when she took DH to court last week to try and stop this visitation she went on and on in her petition that DH mentally abused the boys. She repeated mental abuse so many times. Yet DH has never done anything to hurt the boys, but what the hell does she think she is doing by leaving those messages and making them feel guilty for enjoying time with their father? She has been a PAS mother since the day her and DH got divorced.

[stressedstepmom]

DH just got home (he took boys to a movie and that is when I did my sleuthing) and I was able to tell him about the messages  but he hasn't heard it yet. I was also able to transfer the messages  to my cell so I can copy it later.  What we are thinking of doing now is telling OSS that he doesn't need the phone and we are going to return it to his mother but wait a few days or until he questions it. So take it away now and put it up and see how many other messages we can get off of it. We are thinking that that will work until one of the boys asks to call their mother. So far it has just been her leaving messages, they haven't called her back.  Or maybe just telling OSS that we are putting the phone up and he can have it back when he leaves, not sure yet.
We do have an attorney and DH has to go to court 2 days after he returns the boys at the end of August because she wants to stop next years visitation. As I understand it that court date is just to have a law guardian assigned. I have no idea if we can even use these messages as evidence but it is worth trying. We are also putting the boys in counseling starting next week while they are here. Try and get some of this damage undone. I absolutely think the phone needs to be gotten rid of, I even told DH that I would be the one to say it so that I am the bad guy. I know once she finds out she will throw a fit but I also know that she won't leave messages like that on my phone.

[Stepmom0418]

I think thats a good idea to keep the phone till they go back to BM's and get as many messages as you can saved. I would also be contacting DH's attorney as soon as you can to see if any of the messages can be used in court and your DH also may want to rethink the custody agreement. JMO! Good luck and keep us posted as to what you and your DH decide to do and how it goes!

[tulip]

My sd came back from a visit with bm a couple weeks ago, and said bm was thinking about getting her a cell phone for her b-day the next day. She just turned 12. Dh told her if she got a cell, she would have to follow the same rules she does with our phone. That didn't impress her much.

Then after talking to bm, he found out that calls to bm would be free, but sd would have to pay for any other calls she used it for. How stupid! SD doesn't have a job, how is she going to pay a phone bill? We have a court order that restricts the times and frequency of phone calls, and she is just trying to get around that.

So we said "BM does not make the rules in our home. It's not up to her to decide if sd can have a cell phone. So if she buys her a cell phone without our permission, she will keep it at her house."

[stressedstepmom]

Well it is 5 a.m., anyone want to guess why I am awake?? It's not to get ready for work or by choice I can tell ya that!! I was sleeping peacefully when my cell phone starts ringing. My cell phone is LOUD and in another room and it was 4:41 a.m. I thought maybe it was my DH (he is working overnight shift this month) Find the phone, open it and see its PBFH!! So I answer it and she acts all surprised that I answered and asks for DH. I inform her that he is at work (which she knows) and she replies that she thought he took cell to work with him (this woman has degrees yet doesn't know that a military man who works in a really big gov't building that isn't on a base...one of those  jobs  can't take cells to work???) So she attempts to hang up so I ask if it is an emergency and here is the shocker!!! The boys hadn't called her in a few days (!!!!) and she made a comment if OSS still had his cell phone. I just made a disgusted sound and said yeah he has it and hung up on her. Then called DH to vent because I LOVE my sleep and now am wide awake and fuming. This will be the 4th day I think out of 6 weeks that the boys will be here, looks like we are in for a fun filled summer!!

[custodyhubby]

When I read your post, it sounded EXACLTY like what it happening to us! (My hubby is sole custodial parent of 13 year old)

  (A little background for you....SD is very active in school.....manages her time well but after team sports etc....rarely has time in the evening to do anything except homework). BM has accused of several times of "not letting child talk" on the phone. Now. BM calls every night from 2000 miles away. Sometimes SD is here, sometimes she is not. BM doesn't believe anything we say. We got a court order that 2x a week during certain times, my hubby will "make" child available for calls. BM doesn't call during those times, even though we jump through hoops to have kid sitting by phone etc.... BM just is trying to "control things"--

SO, last Febr., SD came home from visiting mom for a week with a cell phone.  BM text messaged my SD several times a day and left messages each morning and each evening for our 13 year old. It got to the point where when we went out as a family for dinner, my SD would want to take this cell phone. And, if she forgot it, her mom would rant and rave etc.....about why her daughter didn't have her cell phone and that she was supposed to carry it with her everywhere....even to school etc...

My hubby had "had it"- So, he packed up the cell phone and sent it back 2000 miles to her mom and told her that his daughter is not allowed to have cell phones and that we have a residential phone and computer access for email and that if mom wasn't happy with that, she could bring her little hind end to court and petition otherwise. He added that a busy 13 year old doesnt' need a cell phone and that any future cell phones would also be returned.

For some reason, BM thinks that we always are trying some PAS syndrome on her, thwarting her relationship with her daughter. But, in the end, she was the one who left her in our care to move such large distance away.

My advice: Send the cell phone back. If you have a residential phone, that is all that is necessary-- t his is just an attempt to exert power over the kids and you!