Frantic grandma

[chorichori]

I'm new, sure hope I've posted to the correct forum.

Our son has an almost 2-year old daughter with his ex-girlfriend, from whom he separated 3 months ago.  He has been an active dad since her birth.  When the baby was born, his girlfriend would not let him be named as father on the birth certificate because she wanted the maximum for daycare/food stamps/etc.  Now that they are separated, he is paying CS voluntarily, but has filed for paternity with the state of Oregon.  Just today his exgirlfriend got the papers about this, and she is furious.  She says now she is screwed, they will go hungry, it is all his fault, and he will never see the baby again.  They have had a verbal agreement for visitation, but she does not stick to it, and insists that he also visit/take some of her other kids, who are not his children.  He feels he must get paternity of his daughter settled to stop this, and get the court involved in helping set visitation.

My question is, if she throws away the papers she got about paternity/child support, what recourse does our son have to be named father?  The girlfriend says she will call the state tomorrow and "fix" this, probably some false accusation I would guess.  Should he wait until paternity is established to obtain an attorney?  

Thanks so much~~  falada in Oregon

[Amy_in_MA]

It is your son's right to request a paternity test through the courts, and she will be ordered to bring the child in for testing if she doesn't voluntarily comply. I don't think she can "fix" this except or make it just "go away."

I'm sure she IS furious...she's been able to qualify for state aid and get additional CS money from your son without anyone really knowing it. Too bad...that's called abusing the system and it's illegal. Your son has a right to his child, to enforceable time with his child.

Has he paid CS with a check? Does he have canceled checks to show he's paid? He will also want to protect himself financially. When paternity is established, she may somehow try to go for back child support, claiming it hasn't been paid and that your son owes back money according to the courts (money that he has already paid). Make sure he can show he has already paid.

I wish your son the best. He and his daughter deserve to have a relationship without interference this way.

--------------------

Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

[mistoffolees]

The advice you've already gotten is good. She can't simply have the papers thrown out. Also, the advice about being able to prove the support he's already paid is important.

My advice is for him to get an attorney unless money absolutely precludes it. There are too many ways to inadvertantly slip up in the process that a good attorney can help you with. I'm not very big on do-it-yourself law unless there's absolutely no way to come up with the money for an attorney.

[chorichori]

Thanks so much- I will encourage our son to get an attorney.  I have found 2 here in Portland, Oregon that are dad-oriented and might be a good choice for him.    I wouldn't doubt if she tries false allegations or a restraining order to try and keep the upper hand and make him give up-  so, and attorney is really a wise choice right now.

We are all keeping busy trying to keep his spirits up- this is such a SLOW and frustrating process.  I didn't have a clue what people go through just trying to see their children until all this exploded right under my nose.  

Thanks again for the advise-  I know we are just at the very beginning of the process, but it is great to feel the support and past experience of ya'll!

   Falada

[chorichori]

 
Yes, he has paid his "voluntary child support" with a check.  This is a relatively recent situation, as she booted him out and moved her 23-year old boyfriend in with her and the kids only 6 weeks ago.  

Our son has made 2, maybe 3 payments by check, and can keep those as proof.  

Thank you for the encouragement~~

[Ref]

First make sure your son documents everything. He needs to keep reciepts on things he buys his kid, correspondence everything.

I also saw Soc (on Socreteaser's Board) offer advice to someone who hasn't gotten CS established and thought this might help you. He said to take the $ and put it in a trust fund for the kid to be paid once CS is settled through the courts. Some courts might count any amounts paid prior to the order a "gift' and your son might get stuck with arrears that he has already paid. Also, this might help the bio-mom move things along a little faster knowing there is a payout in the end.

Definantely get a good family law attorney though. I think there are many of us here that started off in the hole because we thought we could do these types of things on the cheap.

Best wishes,

Ref

[mistoffolees]

That's pretty much my view. It seems to me that CS and custody are such important issues (and property division in states where it's negotiable) that the investment in a good attorney is a small price to pay for getting good results. So many things can go wrong - and you may not find out about some of them until it's too late.

I realize that in some cases, it's a matter of getting a lawyer or eating (but not both), but if there's ANY way to swing it, a good attorney is worth the money (no, I"m not an attorney).

[Sherry1]

a paternity test.  BM just refused to let my son see his son and told him he would never see him again.  We hired a lawyer for my son to establish parentage, visitation and child support.  It only cost about $1700 for the attorney because she really couldn't oppose anything.  My next best advice is to make sure that the hand over of the child from each parent for vistitation/parenting be done at a convenience store with both parties ordered to purchase a pack of gum or a soda so that they can prove the time and date.  If she starts playing games and not handing over the child for visitation, he can file for contempt if he has proof he was at the hand over spot and she wasn't.

[chorichori]

I called the attorney and our son will go in this Wednesday.  I'm going along to take notes and be an extra set of ears.  

Hopefully our story will be short and without too much backlash, although she is skilled at working the system and making false accusations.  

She admitted to our son on the phone that this isn't really about visitation, in her mind it is about getting the max $$ from state daycare and food stamps, which she can get more of if she has no child support coming in. She reminded him that this is why she would not allow his name to be on the birth certificate when the baby was born.  Our son recorded her during that conversation, but it may not be worth much, I just don't know.  

Thanks so much for each reply-  I don't think I've every felt the need for support like I do right now--  bless you guys!

[MYSONSDAD]

http://www.rcfp.org/taping/

Another important thing you need to start doing is document. Keep it factual as to what occurs. This is something your son should start doing immediately. Use a spiral notebook and pen, keep the dates consistant and work down a page at a time, having several dates on one page. This way, it shows nothing was added later.

Any pictures of your son and his child will also come in handy. If there are pictures before when the child was born, make sure you get copies made.

Keep your documentation organized.  

[Jade]

>It is your son's right to request a paternity test through
>the courts, and she will be ordered to bring the child in for
>testing if she doesn't voluntarily comply. I don't think she
>can "fix" this except or make it just "go away."
>
>I'm sure she IS furious...she's been able to qualify for state
>aid and get additional CS money from your son without anyone
>really knowing it. Too bad...that's called abusing the system
>and it's illegal. Your son has a right to his child, to
>enforceable time with his child.
>
>Has he paid CS with a check? Does he have canceled checks to
>show he's paid? He will also want to protect himself
>financially. When paternity is established, she may somehow
>try to go for back child support, claiming it hasn't been paid
>and that your son owes back money according to the courts
>(money that he has already paid). Make sure he can show he has
>already paid.
>
>I wish your son the best. He and his daughter deserve to have
>a relationship without interference this way.
>
>--------------------
>
>Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.
>Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your
>ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.
>
>     ~ James Allen


Doesn't matter if he has the returned checks, all she has to do is claim that it was a gift.  And even if that weren't the case, the state is going to come after him to recover its costs.  It isn't right, but that is probably what is going to happen.  

[Jade]

>  
>Yes, he has paid his "voluntary child support" with a check.
>This is a relatively recent situation, as she booted him out
>and moved her 23-year old boyfriend in with her and the kids
>only 6 weeks ago.  
>
>Our son has made 2, maybe 3 payments by check, and can keep
>those as proof.  
>
>Thank you for the encouragement~~


Your son needs to talk to a lawyer.  If he was living with her and their child while she was receiving welfare for said child, he can be charged with fraud.