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Author Topic: Discipline, etc.  (Read 4991 times)

Dibella2

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Discipline, etc.
« on: Feb 17, 2004, 07:29:46 AM »
Hi!  I am fairly new here.  I read the posts quite a bit.  

I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to handle discipline in a blended family?  DH and I get along fine; however, we argue a lot about the children.  He has two and I have two from previous marriages.  They all have the same rules; however, he thinks differently on some items and vice versa.  We were talking yesterday and thought that disciplining our own (which we basically do anyway) would maybe solve our problems.  That if they all have the same rules, but he enforce it with his and I enforce it with mine that that may bring some closure to the arguments.  It's really more detailed than what I have here.  I just do not have a whole lot of time to write.

Could I get anyone's input as to how you may have resolved this within your family?

Thank you!!


Peanutsdad

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RE: Discipline, etc.
« Reply #1 on: Feb 17, 2004, 07:44:06 AM »
LOL,, trust me,, I think in any blended family,, its an ongoing issue.

Essentially, having the same rules for all the kids is great,, BUT,, you also I found,, have to have the SAME penalties for all.  Meted out by each respective parent as you two are planning.

That seems to solve a lot of problems,, but I think there is always a friction ongoing that ones kids get away with more.

Indigo Mom

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RE: Look at it this way....
« Reply #2 on: Feb 17, 2004, 08:01:28 AM »
Even if all the kids were biologically yours and his?  You'd still have issues.  No 2 parents are identical, no 2 parents "think" the same way when it comes to punishment.  I remember my folks having some knock down, drag out fights over how to handle my older brother.  And all 3 of us belonged to them.  I remember how fricken funny it was.  One day, my mom wanted to kill him, but my dad wanted to give him a chance.  The next day, my dad wanted to kill him and my mom was into the whole "chance" thing.  Oh man, I used to lmao at my parents!  They couldn't figure out what to do...cause both of them had different opinions.  

In my family, where I have 2 biological children and my hub has none...we became just what I said...a family.  I didn't believe "I" should tell him "not" to punish the kids because they're mine.  They were "technically" mine, but he was raising and supporting them too.  In the beginning, he walked on eggshells.  When lil miss did her "thang", he wouldn't do anything.  He'd let me handle it all...then one day, I looked at him and said, "wtf are you doing?  how come you're letting her get away with this"?  He told me that she was "my" daughter, and he had no say.  That was the day I gave him "say".  He's been their father ever since, in every way...including doling out the punishments.  It works...my kids respect him.  (unless he grounds them...then they despise him...lmao)  My kids treat him "as" their dad, and he treats them as "his" children.  It's really nice.

Could you and your hub try something like this?  I think it's worth the effort to make your "unit" a family rather than "his kids" and "her kids".  





***Everyone gets burned. You can't go through life and not be burned. Some fires destroy us and some fires refine us. - rich mullins***

sweetnsad

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RE: Discipline, etc.
« Reply #3 on: Feb 17, 2004, 08:28:38 AM »
Ok, let's see...I have a blended family as well...I have one child from a previous marriage, my SO has three children from a previous marriage and we have one together with another on the way....The only thing is that his three children don't live with us, but we see them once a month.  

My SO and I totally agree on the discipline issues...every child gets treated the same whether it's mine or his....if you don't agree on the discipline area of the family unit, you can run into some real problems...you have to be on the same page, otherwise the children tune into this and then play both of you off each other...that's a problem you don't want to deal with.  The kids need to know that the rules are the same for all of them (depending of course on their ages) AND the consequences of their actions merit the same punishment.  

My ex husband and I were on two different pages when it came to discipline and my daughter knew it...she could get away with anything with Daddy, but knew Mommy would be cross...so guess who she cried to???  It creates friction.  

Your "blended" family needs to be just that...blended...on everything from family decisions to discipline.  JMHO...otherwise, it just won't work.

Dibella2

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RE: Discipline, etc.
« Reply #4 on: Feb 17, 2004, 09:45:40 AM »
And it's not that one gets away with more, per say.  It's that a) I believe that children should have responsibility in the house (i.e. chores, etc.) and b) he believes that that's fine and dandy, but if they have homework that should come first.  Which is great; however, they just spent all afternoon doing absolutely nothing but vegging on playstation and the computer (which my children have time limits on), when they could have easily been doing something productive, such as getting their homework out of the way OR doing what little chores (taking out garbage, emptying dishwasher) they do have.  I mean it's not like we live on a farm and they're just inundated with chores.  The chores they do have take all of 5 minutes to accomplish.
Just a vent there.  Thanks for listening..:+


Dibella2

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RE: Look at it this way....
« Reply #5 on: Feb 17, 2004, 09:53:40 AM »
This is what we do now.  I suppose saying that discipline isn't really the main issue.  Our kids are, normally, very good.  So far... no teenagers as of yet.  lol  Well, we do have one.  I try very hard to be very involved in the boys' lives (he has boys, I have girls).  I don't step on BM's toes though by going to school conferences, etc.  Although she's not involved either.  If I were to get involved, she'd have a problem with that.  I'm trying to think of what the last issue was.... just for an example.  I can't remember what it was.  Boy, must have really been important, huh?  lol

My parents were divorced my whole life, so I didn't see that in my family.  But I have mentioned to him that if they were all biologically ours, I'm sure we'd have the same problems.  I suppose turning the other cheek may help.  Some things just aren't worth getting in to arguments over.  

I'm going to try that.

Dibella2

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Example!
« Reply #6 on: Feb 17, 2004, 10:48:42 AM »
Example!

My daughters are 11 and 5.  My daughter had a friend over.  One of whom I do not particularly care for.  She's a nice girl, but she's very .. ummm... selfish?  I'm looking for a different word.  My daughter has another friend who can spend the whole weekend over and there's not a problem.  However, when this friend comes over for any extended period of time, we see a difference in her attitude.  Her friend is withdrawn and even has trouble at school with playing with other people.  She's a "it's just you and me" type of gal, I suppose you could say.

So! On with my story.  I wasn't home.   I was at work.  DH had the day off.  This was yesterday.  Well, my oldest was not feeling well, she claimed.  And DH took the boys and their two friends and my youngest out sledding.  My oldest didn't want to go.

Her friend came over on Sunday evening and that whole evening, they were pretty much in her room PLUS the next day.  When they came back from sledding, my youngest wanted to play Barbies with my oldest and her friend.  Apparently, my oldest told her no she can't play.  Now, DH has this thing with the children excluding each other.  He doesn't let his boys do it.   He enforces that family comes first.  Which is fine.   Well, he told my oldest to let the youngest play.  I'm assuming these answers come from her friend.   So, then my youngest came out and told him that they won't let her play with her friend's Barbies.  Her friend had brought over her own barbies.  I was at work and very busy and couldn't talk to DH and told him I had to deal with it later.  He took that as saying I didn't see a problem.  I told him last night that yes, she needs to play with her sister; however, the youngest pushed the limit (she likes to get her sister in trouble) by not only wanting to play with the 20 some barbies her and her sister have, but NOW she wants to play with her friend's barbies.  I didn't agree with that.  My youngest does ruin things (considering her age) and it's my rule that if friend's bring things over, she is not allowed to play with it.  DH didn't think that was right.  He feels that if the friend is going to bring things over, she's going to share them as well.  She knows that the oldest has brothers/sister and if she doesn't want them playing with the things then she shouldn't bring them over.

So!  That's it.  What is your takes?  I hope I wrote that all right. I don't feel that this friend is good for her for long periods of time....

thairagain

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RE: Example!
« Reply #7 on: Feb 17, 2004, 06:21:41 PM »
On the surface, the rule of sharing everything as sister's is very good......but each child needs to have the ability to develope their own identity.  Especially since there is a 6 yr age differance.  When the 11 yr old has a friend over, she should not feel obligated to entertain her sister as well as her guest.  She needs to feel free to have "big girl free time".  The 5 yr old needs to begin understanding now that there are times when big sister will be doing things with other people her own age that she can not be included.  If she doesn't begin to understand this now then much larger problems will be developed later on.  Plus, then older sister's friends will learn not to come over to your house, and then older sister will begin staying the night away from home more often in order to fulfill her need for private time.

I agree with you that the 11yr old's friend had the right to say no to the 5 yr old in referance to her Barbie's.  Barbie's are very precious to girls; she wanted to share them with her friend (your 11 yr old) not her friend's baby sister.

You mention that the 11 yr old had "claimed" that she didn't feel well and declined the opportunity to go sledding w/ the family.  Was her friend already there ( I couldn't tell from your post)?  If so, I suspect that the "real reason" that she didn't want to go sledding was so that she COULD have private time w/ her guest, thus reiterating my above opinion.  She is becoming a teenager......it's hard to do that if a 5 yr old is hanging around all of the time!  Little sister's don't want to talk about the cute boys in the class! lol......but friend's do.

JMHO

thair

Dibella2

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RE: Example!
« Reply #8 on: Feb 18, 2004, 06:25:53 AM »
I think I forget to add that she and her friend had been in her room since she came over on Sunday afternoon without interruption and this occurred about 4:00 PM on Monday.  So, the two of them did have plenty of uninterrupted time.  We do (I more than DH) respect private time, but I also believe there's a line on "private time" and "being anti-social".

And, in fairness, she did call me and tell me she wasn't feeling well earlier in the morning.  She asked me on Saturday if I thought DH was going to be going sledding on Monday because she was worried that she forgot her snow pants and boots at school.  I don't know if she may have been upset that they did go.  I've noticed a drastic change in her attitude since her friend left.

And you're right about the private time.  Just wish I could pound that in to DH's head.  Apparently, boys don't have the need for such things?

Indigo Mom

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RE: Example!
« Reply #9 on: Feb 18, 2004, 06:32:00 AM »
Kids need their own space.  Growing up, I was called "tag along Indy".  (well, my real name, not Indy...lol) My brother hated when my mom would tell him to "take your sister with you".  He treated me like garbage because he didn't want his little sister taggin' along.  It was "sooo totally embarrasing" for him. I try REALLY hard not to do this with my kids, sending lil miss off with lil dude, but it's so hard to resist...must be a parent thing.  Kind of like the ol saying..."just you WAIT til daddy gets home"...we all seem to use those "common" quips.  LOL

I forget how old your little "antisocial" daughter is.  Remember...if she's "pre" adolescense (spelling horribly incorrect) it's only gonna get worse.  Teenagers are the single most antisocial group alive.  Little shits.

-----And you're right about the private time. Just wish I could pound that in to DH's head. Apparently, boys don't have the need for such things?-----

How to pound this into another persons skull?  Well, the next time he goes to sit on the pot to take a load off?  Enter the bathroom and start curling your hair.  When he throws a fit...and he will...gently remind him that "private time" isn't important.  He'll get the idea reeeeeeeeal quick!!!





Dibella2

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RE: Example!
« Reply #10 on: Feb 18, 2004, 09:09:27 AM »
LOL - honestly, HE comes in and sits on the pot when I'M in doing my hair!    So, that theory is kind of shot out of the water.

My children are 11 and 5.  My oldest isn't anti-social.  She's a very social individual UNTIL this friend comes over.  

Davy

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RE: Example!
« Reply #11 on: Feb 18, 2004, 11:13:58 AM »
IMvHO.  This issue is not who's kids are whose nor is it about 'private time'.  More to the point, it is about the parents ability to set the tone of family life within your home.  Do not, under any circumstance, allow an outsider to dictate the tone with their own dysfuntionality.  

I am not against the so-called 'private time' and it does not matter rather they are boys or girls.  The main endeavor for you and DH is to limit and structure ... before hand as much as possible ... the 'private time' with the emphasis on blending with all the activities and 'working and playing well with others'.   With the example given, you give way to lying, manipulation, abrupt changes in personality, etc etc.  

These are little girls ... age 11... not 17, 23, 36, 49, 58, 65, .....
Screw the Barbie dolls !  I thought  your DH handled the situation delicately.  I may have kindly sent the little bitch packing.

Dibella2

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RE: Example!
« Reply #12 on: Feb 18, 2004, 12:09:59 PM »
LOL - Hey!  Let's not beat around the bush.  Just tell me how you really feel...

What is IMvHO?  

I am in the middle of these replies.  I do believe that they deserve some private time; however, I do not believe they need 12+ hours of it.  I believe you are right on the nose when you say it gives way to lying, manipulation, and abrupt personality changes.   I think I mentioned that I noticed a change in her attitude.  I have been trying to get my oldest out of her shell for a couple of years now and she's been making progress.  When this girl comes over, she regresses.  Even at school, I hear how her friend doesn't want someone else to play with them.  I'm hoping that with middle school around the corner, that will be the break that my daughter needs to find other girlfriends.

Thank you for your reply.

Davy

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RE: Example!
« Reply #13 on: Feb 18, 2004, 01:35:24 PM »
IMvHO - in my Very humble opinion.

The behavior you described at school is not surprising and you suggested a positive change by mentioning the middle school.  Hold out hope for that !!

Our school system is a blessing in that it was designed in a pyramid effect by demographics where, as example, there are 50 elementary schools (K-5), 25 middle schools (6-8), 6 high schools (9-10) and 3 senior highs (11-12) thus giving way to maintaining positive relationships and putting to the side negative relationships.

BTW (by the way), the the flavor of your post is that you and DH are concerned and involved with the kiddos.  Best of luck !!   FYI; my  granddaughter/son are 11/10 respectfully.  Three adult children.  

stepmomtwo1

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RE: Discipline, etc.
« Reply #14 on: Mar 02, 2004, 10:30:10 AM »
Good luck. I had one dd before we were married and so did dh but I was never married before and he was. When our families blended things were a mess. I was very strict with my child but he never made his mind at all saying he only had her for 4 days a month so he didn't want to disapline her. What a mess!

So I kept doing what I had been with my dd and he kept letting his chid run wild. She would purposley break rules she knew my dd would be punished for and I finally had enough. If this child was going to live with us every other weekend then she would have the same rules and punishment.

It lasted for 3 years and then she quit coming with us after she had so sit time out,thats right she sat time out and wouldn't come back. If my dd would have done the same thing she would have been swatted on the bottom but the rules were still more lax because the ex hated sd being spanked.

Now 8 years later ds is a drinking,smoking pierced wild child who lives with her mom and has no rules (she even pulled her out of school to "home school" her becuse she was flunking every subject but art) and my dd is an honor student,in sports and very well liked by her classmates and teachers.

This will be a problem until the end of time I'm afraid. :(

Good luck!

wendl

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RE: Discipline, etc.
« Reply #15 on: Mar 03, 2004, 07:26:47 PM »
well I am lucky, my dh backs me up and visa versa.

Maybe you can put a rules/consequenecs on a board and post of frid or something, basically 1st time you dont follow rules xx will happen, second time xx will happen. Then the rules and the consequences remain the same. You and dh need to talk about both of you backing eachother up or they will walk all over you.

 

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