Need Advise

[Stepmomnow]

Hi All

I am new to this board, so I will give you some details:

We are in California, parents have 50/50 joint physical and legal custody of 11 year ss.  Parents split 7 years ago (BM still with man she was seeing) I met DH 5 years ago.  We have ss everyother week; he goes to school in BMs district.

Yesterday, ss complained of pain in his chest (around the top of his lungs)  No fever or excessive tiredness, but just in case, DH called the doc and made an appointment.  This is our week. so I was going to take him to the doc.  DH called BM to let her know, and she got very upset that I was the one taking him.  She went on and on about how only she and DH should ever take ss to the doctors and I should not be involved.

DH will send a letter to the doc giving me permission to take ss to the doc in the future (power of attorney).  My question is how do we respond to BM?  She is extremely controlling and has been quite rude to me in the past, when she will admit that I exist.  Part of me thinks we need to confront her to make her back off (she hates it when DH forces her to look at reality) or we could just let it slide and keeping dealing with the nastiness.

Any suggestions??

Also, how do you deal with a non custodial parent doing things with the child when it is not their week but the child is in day care?  BM has a habit of picking ss up to take him to docs, dentist on our weeks without letting us know.

[Kitty C.]

You might want to remind her of this:  If your DH is gone, and your SS has a life-threatening medical emergency, would she or would she NOT want you to take action????  I'm banking that, if she is even a competant mother, she would say yes.  Then tell her that DH told her because that is what he's SUPPOSED to do, just like she is supposed to do.  She even has the right to come to the appt. as well.  BUT, because this appt. is occurring while SS is with you (and DH is obviously working), there's no other way for him to get to that appt. except by you.  You are just as capable of taking him as your DH is.

Curious, tho.  If you have 50/50 physical custody, who's the NCP????  The BM?  As for the appts. you're not aware of, are we talking about other doctors that you don't know about, or the regular doctors that SS sees?  If it's his regular doctors, call the office periodically and ask them if there is an appt. scheduled for SS, who scheduled it, and what it is for.  If you find out about an appts. coming up, make sure you show up for it, or rather DH does. Caution, tho.  Your DH will have to be the one to make this call, because of HIPAA regulations.  I'm not even sure a POA can get you thru the medical info roadblocks, because legally, you do NOT have any rights to your SS.  You'd have to talk to your atty. about that one.

[Stepmomnow]

Thanks for the response:

Actually, nether one is NCP, they "co-parent".  They are supposed to confir on all major medical and educational issues.  The apts. that she does not tell us about are things like a teeth cleaning appointment that she made the morning of the appointment and announced that she would be taking him to (it was our week).  We protested because he had homework to do at afterschool.  But this type of thing (her believing she has complete access to him even on our weeks) is happening more often.  I am probably being too sensitive, so I want to see how others handle it.

[Kitty C.]

I'm not one for 'tit-for-tat', but if she's taking him out of school on your custody weeks for appts. that SHE has arranged, then by all means go to the appt. as well.  And if you happen to have to make an appt. for him on one of HER weeks, then there doesn't seem to be any reason why you can't take him out of school to take him to it as well, since it's the same thing she's doing, right?

Yeah, I know, that's lowering yourself to their level.........but in this case, maybe she can't see how inconsistent she's being till the shoe's on the other foot?????

[ECP9971]

I am not sure if what I did will work for you or not cause it sounds like BM has issues but when my ex met his "love of his life" who was having his child...I took her to lunch and we set ground rules from the start...course I was the BM in that case...but...

When I deal with my SS & SD's mom and have a problem...I talk to her myself...it was hard at first but then she realized it was better then fight with DH about everything. Now I am the one who handles all matters that need to be passed on to either party. Yes I know I didn't have anything to do with having the children or making them but it makes life easier now for me to do these things...most of the time anyway.

I would honestly sit down and tell BM...look you might not like that I am in SS's life but I am and that is not going to change no matter what you say or do...I love SS with all my heart and I know I can never be you to him nor would I ever try...but it can't hurt SS to have one more person to love him and I do no matter what. So we can either work together on this or have issues that end up hurting SS in the long run

Good luck and keep your head up

[Stepmomnow]

I would LOVE to sit down with her and have a "heart to heart", but she is sooo rude to me (basically pointedly ignoring me and making it clear that she thinks I have no business having anything to do with ss) that I would be completely rejected if I tried.  Also, she is extremely volatile with DH, and I am afraid that if she was really hostile towards me, I would respond in kind (I am not used to having someone be very nasty to me) and then everything would be worse.  BM is basically terrified that ss will love me more than he loves her and there is not much I can do about it.  I guess also part of me does not want to have to deal with her hostility.

It is not that I really want to take ss to the doctor's appointments; it is just insulting when she implies that I would some how harm him.  My issue, so I need to get over it.  I know he loves me and appreciates what I do for him (just last night I found out he need a costume for a school project; I sew and BM does not, so tonight I have some work to do), at least as much as any 11 year old does, so I need to be happy with that.

[wendl]

Well if the child needs to go to Dr during DH's time and he cannot take the cihld then take him, call BM and state child has an appointment on xx date at xx time, step will be taking child as I have to work, I would hope you would attend our sons Dr appt.

This way DH is giving her as a mother the option of attending the Dr appt.

My DH takes my son to the DR as I work days and sometimes cannot and my dh works nights so he can.

JMO
By giving mom the opportunity to attend the Dr appt she may not feel as threatened by you the stepmom taking on her role a mother or caregiver.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Stepmomnow]

Actually, that is exactly what we did.  My DH made the appointment, then called BM to let her know so she could be there.  She the insisted that I be excluded altogether, stating that I should never go to see a doctor with SS.  My main problem is that the edict may keep me from taking adiquate care of him in the future.

She is very threatened by me, but she is not particularly logical, so there is little we can do about it.

[Kitty C.]

It's a public place and, unless she's got a no-contact order against you, there's NOTHING she can do about it.  Let her pitch a fit, it will only prove to others just how stupid she is.....and don't let her make you feel like you're the cause of it.  You're not, SHE is.

PBFH was absolutely adamant that I not be present at some school function, even tho her BF/DH was going to be there.  And my DH was out of town.  He told PBFH, in no uncertain terms, that I WOULD be there if he couldn't, that it was a public place and she couldn't dictate who could and couldn't be there, and if she tried to get an RO on me, she'd have a damn hard time proving it, especially when she'd have to pay for OUR atty. fees, too.  She's NEVER said a word since.  Especially since Daddy isn't paying her legal fees anymore.

And I swear I could see the smoke rolling yesterday.  SS had a junior league football game and the local coordinator (who knows that I'm in EMS) called me Friday night asking if I'd volunteer EMS support, that the youth league doesn't mandate it, just highly recommends it.  So I was down on the field with SS and his team the whole time, talking to him, cheering him on.  And making sure he and his team were well hydrated, since it was really hot.  Couldn't help hearing SF's cow-bellering yell all through the game, probably pissed that he couldn't be down there.  But since he was SS's asst. baseball coach, I don't see a difference.

SS put it the best yesterday.  He said even tho there's NO difference between SF and I, being his stepparents, his mom is certain there is.  What got to me was his defeatist attitude about it, like he knew there was NOTHING he could say that would change her mind, even tho it was about HIM, not her.

[Stepmomnow]

Thanks, Kitty

I do go to all the back to school nights, soccer games etc.  The true is she is very big and hostile and I am a bit intimidated by her - she is very volitale to my DH and we never know when she will get nasty, even when we are going out of our way to be nice.  But your right, I need to not let her intimidate me.

[wendl]

Yep stand up for yourself what she gonna do, call you and dh nasty names, isn't she already, be the bigger person.

ALSO maybe the dr would let you go into the room after mom, then no big deal or worse case tell dr that dh will call when he gets home to find out about dr appt or have dr write you a note for dh.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[nosonew]

Went thru this too.  I never backed down, went to all appt.'s, etc.  Just go...if she pitches a fit at the doctors office, explain that your dh has 50/50 and while in your care, you need to know what is up!

Regarding her taking him to appts on your time.  BTDT.  First, your dh needs to IN WRITING explain to her that if she wants to make appt's for son that is fine, just don't do it on your time.  If she does it again, don't allow him to go. He isn't going to die if he doesn't get his teeth cleaned that week or his eyes checked.  THIS IS A CONTROL ISSUE!  If your dh continues to allow it, it will only get worse!  He needs to refuse her when she does this, after sending her the letter.  

Good luck! Keep us posted.  What did the doc say about the chest pains? Anxiety?

[Stepmomnow]

This was last spring and what DH did is tell her to cancel the appointment, because it was made on our week without our knowledge and made her reschedule it.  We continually have to set boundries with this lady and she continually pushes them.  I wish there was same chance that it would end, but since this behavior has been going on for 8 years, I see no possibility that she will move one.  Oh well, I knew what she was like when I married him.  And I did it anyway and am very glad I did so.

[Kitty C.]

Just remember one VERY important fact here, then:  SHE is the ONLY one who is making her look bad, NOT you!  If others see her berating you or telling others how 'bad' you are, the only thing they might be feeling is sympathy for you, for having to put up with her.  But TRUST ME, their opinion of her will be in the toilet!

Better yet, ignore her.....it will drive her INSANE!  When she starts to rant and rave, act like she isn't even present.  It will get worse before it gets better, but it will also make her look that much worse.  Others who witness this will be able to make instant decisions on who is being the adult in the situation, and it certainly won't be her!  In fact, they will have that much more respect for YOU, for being able to let her BS slide off you like water off a duck's back!

YOU CAN DO IT!  :-)