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Author Topic: Always wrong  (Read 2403 times)


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Always wrong
« on: Apr 22, 2005, 06:30:30 AM »
DH and I have been having "conversations" about the looming CS negotiations he will be having with his ex. I say "do everything by the book. Don't give her any ammunition" and his response is that she is more in the wrong than him and his judge will see it that way. He gets irritated with me when I disagree with his outlook. He thinks that the court will overlook his problems with the burocracy (ie filing all the proper forms) when the judge sees what kind of crap BM is pulling. I don't totally disagree, but my point is, with a little more effort he could be covering his butt and making her in the wrong 100% instead of 99%.

I know I am not a lawyer, but I just can't understand why he would refuse to fill out a couple of extra forms to keep himself in the right. Even if the forms are not necessary, I think it is worth the risk.

I have read all the docs about how to file and he hasn't ,yet he is disagreeing with how it is supposed to be done.

This isn't the only "discussion" we have had because of his situation. He gets pissed when I do the legwork and am gung-ho. The last discussion we had he said that I like "playing lawyer". F&*^%! I hate playing lawyer. I am just so scared that he is too emotionally crippled by all of this that he will make the same dumb mistakes that he made when they divorced years ago.

I feel screwed. I try to help him and he gets irratated and I don't and he gets irratated. If I could stop caring about how much hurt it would cause, I would disengage completely and not help anymore. I just can't do that though. I love him and his daughter too much.

I guess this is just a vent. Thanks for listening..



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RE: well...
« Reply #1 on: Apr 22, 2005, 08:23:47 AM »
If you don't like doing it, and he doesn't appreciate you doing it, there really is only one option, and that's disengaging.  Let him do it the way he thinks it should be done - and if that means it doesn't GET done, oh well.  It's his deal anyway.  His ex, his kids, his deal.


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So be helpful without stepping on toes...
« Reply #2 on: Apr 26, 2005, 07:18:44 AM »
Get the forms and fill them in for him. Place them in the packet for him when he goes and put a bright colored post it note on it with the words:
" I got your back - just in case they're needed!"

That way he is not forced into using them if they are not needed, but they are readily available if they are needed.

Men (in general) "fix" things. They talk about problems in order to fix them. They don't want their wives/girlfriends/mothers/significant others to "fix things." That is a man's "job" and they may have issues about it if they perceive it happening. He probably already feels like things are out of his control.

You need to make him understand that the paperwork is not the resolution to a problem, but a tool to use in the resolution. If you hand him a tool you are assisting, not doing the "fixing".

For yourself, look for opportunities to help, but this is business. Family business is still business - take the emotion back out of it and do the tasks without investing your feelings.
A true soldier fights, not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves whats behind him...dear parents, please remember not to continue to fight because you hate your ex, but because you love your children.

Kitty C.

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RE: Always wrong
« Reply #3 on: Apr 26, 2005, 11:09:25 AM »
I will tell you what I told DH a LONG time ago.  I told him that I may not have a say in the custody matter, but I DO when it comes to CS and what he agrees or doesn't agree to.  Mainly because we're talking OUR finances, which I am very much a part of.  DH knows that if he didn't take my thoughts and feelings into consideration and make sure that he has the home front covered, that I will yank everything of mine out of our joint accounts and set up my own separately.  Anything he does financially in regards to custody and support directly affect me as well.  So he knows he needs to make sure all his i's are dotted and t's are crossed.  He asks me for help in research, making sure we've done everything we can to protect ourselves.  What he doesn't know, he asks me to find out.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......


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RE: Always wrong
« Reply #4 on: Apr 26, 2005, 01:50:12 PM »
I agree with kitty (again, lol!).  Ok, except that I will ONLY do the seperate account thing.  Anyway...joint or seperate, it does affect both of your finances.  The trick here is to disengage from the emotional part and be businesslike with the money part.  Even the money part can become emotional and sticky.  Usually, emotional and sticky are good things, lol!  Sorry, just a joke.  Anyway...does he have a lawyer?  If so, I suggest letting him and his lawyer work this out.  If he vents to you and/or asks for suggestions, simply state your case and let him know you stand by him whatever course of action he chooses.  It will only hurt the two of you in the long run if you argue about the situation and make pbfh hell happy if she finds out the two of you are fighting over this, don't give her that satisfaction!  Read the Disengage post in General Issues.  Hope this helps and good luck to you.


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