Any Stepmoms out there dealing with nasty exes?

[kricket25]

Question for you - how do you do it? How do you put it aside and forget about it so you can go on with your own life? Especially when the ex keeps doing awful things?

[Sherry1]

it is not my problem, it is my husband's problem.  I basically ignore anything and everything she does and I will not let her screw up my life.

[junglechicken]

now she's kinda like a mosquito.  Mostly out of my way, but when she is around she's a PIMA!

However, I just remember I was never married to her and she's not my mother.  I don't deal with her.  Took me five years to answer the phone in my own house when she called.  lol  

We really just stay out of each other's way.  She doesn't engage me, I don't engage her.  It's always been that way, no matter what the voices in her head were telling her at the time.  ;)  

[hagatha]

I kept a documenting copy book next to my chair all the time. Except when sd was actually here, then it went into a cabinet.

What I learned through the struggle was you have to make a conscience effort to put her out of your mind. The documenting had to be done and I was the one that got the job. But when I closed that book I stopped obsessing about the crap.

Whenever there was an episode, I would deal with only as much as necessary, document what had happened and close the book. Then I did something that was just for me, even of it was only for a couple minutes. I concentrated on ME. When I found I was obsessing again I would literaly tell myself to stop and think about something else.

It does take time to accomplish, but it can be done.

The Witch

[kricket25]

Thank you hagatha ... I'm in a similar situation. I'm the "documenter". And thank you everyone for your comments. I'm new here (10-19-06) and it's really nice to know that there are other people in the same situation and what you do about it.

[gabes_mom]

Thankfully DH's ex lives over 500 miles away.  Yes that makes seeing and being with the kids really difficult and we dont' see them as much as we like but when she moved our stress levels went from always elevated to almost never have to worry about her.

Like some of ya'll said, I'm also the "documentor" and unfortunately I do interact with the BM sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if I didn't have to bother with her.  However DH and BM don't get along at all and can barely hold a civil conversation.

[melissa3]

Wish I could offer really good advice but I'm still learning how to deal with a mean BM myself. These ladies are right though, don't let BM get to you. If you get upset when she does stupid things then you are giving her all the control.

I can, however, offer some advice on how to get even with BM, without her actually knowing. If she's the CP, then you and your significant other can drop off toys at her house for the kids. Just make sure the toys are the most loudest, annoying and obnoxious as possible. That way, she'll either have to deal with the awful noisy toys or deal with the kids crying because she took their new toy away (and she'll run the risk of looking like the dreaded "mean parent".)

You can change the time you drop-off the toys to suit your needs. For example, drop the toys off when BM's new boyfriend is over so he can see the kids on their worst behavior, or after dinner when BM is trying to get the kids settled or early in the morning when you know BM is still in bed (think Christmas/Hanukkah Morning effect)

I know it sounds really awful, but when you've been put through as much hell as my fiance and me have been through........well, lets just say this is nothing compared to what our BM has done to SD, my fiance and I.

Anyway, hang in there; it gets better as you learn and go along. Good Luck!



PS: If she has a dog, buy him a new squeaky toy also.  

Barking dog +squeaky toy + squealing children + new toy that talks, rattles,  sings, play music or has sirens = Parents/Adults worst nightmare!!!

So, in other words:

Price of "most obnoxious toy on the planet": $5-$30
Price of new squeaky toy for dog: $2

The satisfaction of calling BM's house, hearing the pandemonium in the background and knowing BM is about to lose her mind: Absolutely freaking PRICELESS!!!! =)


PLEASE NOTE: This was meant to make you laugh. I don't advocate using the children to hurt or "bother" the other parent. However, I will never forget the time we got yelled at by BM for buying a cool toy that made noise for SD.  =)

[Ref]

So many of us have to deal with crazies. I too have stepped out of direct contact with BM. She pretends like she is too good to speak with me anyway.

Indirectly though, I write the first draft of many of the letters. I document info for DH... you know, the works.

Sometimes she gets me so upset I obsess about it. Right now, I am taking a foreign language course offered through the school district and a boxing class at the gym. This is helpful. For some, a shopping trip or a nice facial help.

You need to take care of yourself though. Helping your husband and his children is important, but you aren't going to do them any good if you are destroying yourself.

Best of luck
Ref

[Giggles]

hehehehe  Somehow batteries just don't last long around my house....hehehehe

Dad got DS a really LOUD play semi-Truck that even beeped when you rolled it backwards...I could have shot him for that one...ugh

Dad figures it's payback time...hehehehe

[FLMom]

Actually, I'm the BM dealing with a PIA stepmother, but I had to chime in due to recent events.

When SM was dating my ex, there were no problems at all in me picking up the kiddos off schedule so they could have alone time. Once they got married, however, it was a whole different ball game. Due to a nasty divorce she had a few years before she met my ex, she was well schooled in how to use the courts to make my life a living hell. The kicker was that for several years my ex and I had a very friendly way of raising our children. Once she was fully established into the picture, she made sure that all changed.

The worst thing of all was that they moved---not far enough away to make time sharing impossible, just extremely difficult. She taught him how to suck my bank account dry, even though he ended up spending tens of thousands of dollars in atty fees to do it. When he had a fight with her, he'd then call me and tell me what a biotch I was for ruining his life (I fought back with the court stuff--hard).

Fast forward to now. I hear from the kiddos that they're getting a divorce, but can't do it right now cause they spent a fortune to buy a mansion that neither can afford to move out of. The kiddos finally got pushed away from her one time too many, and now have given up on having any relationship with her. The ex quit a job making 80K a year so they could start a business together---I have no idea how they're gonna split that puppy up.

I guess what I'm getting at is that people like your SM have a way of mucking things up eventually. I love how Hagatha ends her posts-----"Karma is a WONDERFUL thing". And it is SO true. When you are continually taking the high road and not letting triffling events get to you (too much), you are able to find a peace that will get you through. It never fails---they show their fannies one too many times and it comes back to bite them in said body part.

I have to admit this: I REVEL in being as nice as possible, even when she's on a tangent. There is something so satisfactory about keeping cool when you're watching someone else's wig on fire. BTW, every once in a while a glass of scotch while you're reveling doesn't hurt either. ;-)

Good luck and enjoy your heels clicking on the high road,

FLMom

[Sunshine1]

I was reading your post FLMOM and with my mouth hanging wide open, because it is identical to mine...except for the mansion and the divorce part.  WOW!

I am a SM and a BM both the SM and the other BM are a PIMA!  We couldn't believe it was possible but both of them are mentally ill.  BF went and found him self a nice girl off the internet and she just so happens to be bi-polar...and not the good kind.  The BM is Manic-depressive, anorexic, and has panic attacks that render her into the ER, as well as an inability to EVER tell the truth to anyone.  Let's just say these two keep our lives extremely interesting!

I have learned to stay away from BM, we have had our knock down drag outs, court battles, and now I don't pet the shark so to speak.  SM has gone away, by legal means because she is out of control, so I had to deal with her the hard way and 17,000 later.

It took us 6 years to get to this point, but being nice just about kills them.  The only words of wisdom I have is do not stoop to their level...believe me I have, and even gone beneath their level,  but you will and it is all on your own time.  You will just wake up one day and say..DAMN, why do I let her into our home, lives, mind...I can tell you one thing since I have been the nicer one, my kids and my skids have seen the difference, and KNOW who the mean ones are.

Keep your chin up...and alcohol helps too. LOL :)

[FLMom]

Hey Sunshine---glad to hear I'm not the only one.

At first I thought that SM was just mean, but I've come to realize over the years that there is some kind of mental illness going on. If this wasn't a public forum I'd elaborate more, but time after time my suspicions have come up correct. At least now I'm almost able to second guess what's going to come up next.

SM has gone above and beyond the call of trying to interject herself into situations, but luckily I've been able to keep a good distance. About the funniest thing was when we were in court one time. SM apparantly assumed that it was an open hearing, even though my hubby and friends were all sitting on the bench outside the courtroom. Hubby told me later that SM and her entourage went trooping through the door of the courtroom, only to be forcibly stopped by a court deputy and ordered to stay out until and if she was called. You'd think from all of her experience she'd know what a closed hearing was.

Sorry---that was probably off subject, but I needed the giggle thinking about it.

I think probably the smartest thing we did early on was adopt a "what happens in the other household STAYS in the other household", and vice versa. I stop the kiddos mid conversation if they start telling us too much information, and it's trained them to do the same thing at the other household. I wouldn't know what's going on over there to the extent that I do, were it not for a tearful teenager who is dealing with her dad crying on her shoulder and not knowing how to make things better for him.

For the most part, the "Vegas" mentality works for us. It keeps me on a happy level somewhere between being angry at them and feeling pity for them. Like anybody, I've got my own baggage to tote home at the end of the day, ya know? Why be a skycap if you don't have to?

FLMom

[WhatToDo]

I also get to be the documenter. It actually makes me feel better to write all the stuff down. It's a way to get it out of my head but there are the instances when she does something so mean that I just can't stop thinking about it and even have problems sleeping! I can't avoid talking to her because she seems to like talking to me more than my fiance'. Well that was before...I guess now she doesn't trust me because I wasn't watching my fiance' and his daughter close enough the last time we had her. Doesn't even make any sense since nothing happened out of the ordinary. She's just trying to make more trouble I assume...but it sure is fun to make her squirm when she finds out things that we're doing to try to be closer to my fiance's daughter. His ex goes nuts the harder we try and I must say, I find some enjoyment out of it...

[topnotchdad]

My SD's BM has mental issues, which are not quite noticeable to people who don't really know her, so that is frustrating.  Mainly, she has a hard time telling the truth, combined with an eating disorder and panic disorder....

I can get over the fact that she lies to me, lies to everyone about everything.  Lies about illness, so she can play the victim.  If she gets really mad at someone, she'll call the police and make up a story about how they beat/raped/stole from her.  She lies to SD's drs and teachers, telling them that they aren't allowed to share information with us.

We can't tell which of her "medical conditions" are real or fake, so we don't know what we should worry about as far as SD inheriting things from her mom.  I guess as long as she doesn't inherit the mental illnesses, everything else is small potatoes.

What really burns me is when she lies to SD.  Tells her she is going to do something with her, and then doesn't do it.  Tells her bad things about me.  Tells her that DH and I are getting a divorce, and she'll never see me again.  Tells her that they're moving away and SD is going with her and will only see us on the weekends.  That really makes me mad.

She gets pets for SD, then gets rid of them a couple months later and tells SD they got run over, they went to live at a farm, they're at "obedience school," etc.  She is currently trying to guilt us into taking her cat--it will be the 3rd cat she's gotten rid of.

The other thing that burns me up is when BM tells me that I don't love SD "as much" as she does, and that I don't understand that because I don't have any "real" kids.  BS!  I have been a part of SD's life since she was 1.5 yrs old (BM & BF were never married--never even really dating).  We've had 50/50 custody for more than 3 years now, and I am more of a "parent" than BM.  I take SD to all her lessons/activities/games.  BM rarely attends sports/school activities.  BM has the nerve to tell me I am "overstepping my boundaries" one day, and call me and ask me to take SD somewhere for her the next day.  And BM is a "stay at home mom" but won't even sober up long enough to bake cookies for the bake sale, and has only been to 2 out of 10 sports games this year!

She also had the nerve to try to ask us for child support, even though she voluntarily doesn't work b/c her new husband makes more money than DH and I put together!

I REALLY enjoy being a step-mom.  I like having the 50/50, because I still get alone time with DH, but we also get plenty of time with SD, especially b/c we take her to all her extra activities during BM's week, b/c BM won't take her.  But I wish that BM would cooperate a little in raising her daughter, and would quit bitching at me all the time.  And DH's attitude doesn't help at all--he just argues with her all the time, and he's not responsible for keeping dates/times straight.

[1-daddy]

In my case, BM has filed numerous reports with ACS.  She coaches the kids to lie and they do.  DH was 2x arrested the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with. Yes, we keep proving ourselves time and again, a not guilty and 3 unfoundeds but she now names our 2 yo son in the reports. I have to be investigated, they even contact my sons doctor.  The kids are fine when they are here but when they are not they lie about me, their daddy, their brother...  

Just this past summer, BM made allegations that our 18mo bit the 7yo and he is afraid to come here.  That my son is a cannibal because I still breastfeed him. The kids said I verbally attacked them in a park when they were with the grandmother: I spewed threats and profanities: they hate me so much because I am so mean they never want to see their father again.  They told this to a police officer, a gal and ACS case workers.  None of this ever happened. And when they were here they acted as if nothing ever happened.

Last year SD said DH and I failed to protect her 2x from an 85yo 2 time stroke victim that she said molested her. She was very graphic to the detective at the police station and the ACS caseworkers and her therapist and even named the granddaughter even though noone believed her.

How do you face the children when it is so easy to lie whether they have been coached currently or not?  what will stop them in the future from doing this all by themselves and what next, who next?  

How in the world can I disengage from this?

[dipper]

First, do you have any proof that bm is reporting this stuff?  If not, file to have this disclosed to you in court?  Then you can go after her for harrassment.....

Also, your dh could use all these false claims by the children - and the graphic descriptions to request a judge order counseling for the children...perhaps total family counseling so that you all are not further lied about to the counselor without any protection.

Other than those things, I would say tell dh he can see his children away from the rest of you.  Whether they are being coached or not, this is too much for you and the other children to have to endure.  As things currently stand, you cannot help your steps....you have to protect yourself and yours in my opinion....

I would definitely consider seeking court help - bm needs to know these games will not be tolerated and that this is emotional abuse on her own children....

[gabes_mom]

Melissa3--- that is too funny and reminds me of a sittuation we've had.  My SD's last birthday (back in June) we sent a huge shipment of toys in a box packed with peanut.  The BM got ticked because the toys were packed in peanuts!  I guess the kids got them scattered all over the place.


She also said to DH and I quote " what if they eat them?" DH said now Blank you are their mother I am sure you aren't going to let them eat the peanuts, you have more sense than that don't you?"  I couldn't stop laughing it was PRICELESS.

[1-daddy]

What kind of court help?  We have already had it court ordered numerous times they attend counseling.  For one BM cannot follow a court order and for a judge to find her in contempt we need to A) show up for court on numerous days and loose money. B) pay a lawyer.  BM will file counters and then a trial will begin again...
At best she will be found in contempt, a useless piece of paper that will not bother her one bit. We already have these.

When they went to counseling they would lie to the couselor and BM and her lawyer would beg the judge to allow the counselor to testify which we made part of the  stip from the beginning. Then we would need to come in and the story would change but the counselor said there was many reasons they could have changed their story one being they do not feel comfortable around us.  This was a counselor that came recommended by the GAL. There would be more hurt feelings.  Of course this was before we had the foremsics evaluation on hand but I just don;t want ot hear it anymore, I am hurt and tired. So still I met with the school counselor myself when through our insurance book and called everyone at least twice. I met with someone 2x and we are on a waiting list at 2 places, most don't want to be bothered.  I am working harder than both parents and I will always be the evil step-mom.

We share 50/50 on our weeks I pick them up from school and drop them off, I help with their homework, I put SS in tutoring last year (BM refused to take him on her weeks), I plan their parties and buy their gifts.  DH works alot to provide for us so I feel this is the least I can do.  But I give him hell and I feel bad for that.

I do not want to be the one that pushed him, I am hoping he makes the decision on his own otherwise he will resent me.  I want my amrriage ot work and we have a young son (21mo) who loves his siter and brother.

Why is life so difficult....

[hagatha]

1daddy.

I would get them to a different therapist on your weeks. There I would sit them down and tell explain to them they lying must stop. I would explain why the lying is hurtful and what could happen should someone actually believe these lies. Namly daddy would go to jail. I would work to get them to disclose who is telling them to lie. And what they should do instead.

Then based on what happens in that therapy, I would consider a move to change custody with supervised visits for mom if she is the one telling them to lie.

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[1-daddy]

We are on a waiting list for a therapist.  Many out here don't want to know us once I mention all the court stuff/false reporting.  I feel this is something I must mention because BM will undoubtedly have them lie to the therapist and they need to know this and why. The children will never give up their mother or grandmother, ever, they defend them to the end.  But 2 GAL's and a forensics evalautor felt BM coached them and documented such.

We went for full custody with supervised.  The first trail went on and on for close to 3 years and cost $165,000 and that does not include lost wages. The judge granted DH residential custody but only temporary in the interim of the trial. We went for all the testings, counseling, etc. but the judge refused to put a cap on the trial and BM was not going to rest her case.  She is also very skilled at distracting the courts and dragging things on forever.  So we finally settleed on the 50/50 with stipulations that have not been followed ut in order to get a useless piece of paper that say contempt we must go forward woth a long trial.

The 2nd time BM dragged us back into a different jurisdiction, she had to move near us on a bogus change of circumstance (the kids lied about). This just one month after the stip was signed on the last trial.  After the GAL read the forensics evaluation from the first trial out loud, the judge said he had serious concerns with the mother and there was going to be a very long trial, that would cost alot of money and someone would end up with full, sole while the other would have supervised.  He ordered yet another round of testing and allowed BM's portion to be paid by the state and we would have to come up with at least 10's of thousands more, we said no way financially and emotionally, before we could BM withdrew and we followed suit.
 
We have made many many attempts at calmly reasoning with the kids telling them we do not tolerate the lies.  But they seem unaffecting by reasoning and only show emotion when we are truely upset/angry.  This has been going on for years.
I agree they need counseling I'm just discouraged that it will just be another emottional battle and I am tired.

[iLUVmySD]

My SD's BM was actually a good friend while my husband continued to pay BM child support each month from March 2004 to February 2005, while SD lived with us in our home.  BM lives in another state about 800 miles away. (She actually even asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. However the wedding never happened.)
The turning point happened when my husband took her to court for custody in our state and won, and now he's going for child support.  Things got really ugly!!!!!!!  It is an obsession for me to track and document all information regarding this case in preparation for if we have to go to court again, which I'm sure we will.  But then of course I've been doing it for about 5 years now.  My SD is 7. :)

[timtow]

Wow, this is all so sad.  Looking at all of this -- the craziness, the expense, the energy drain -- I am not surprised at the spike in mental illness in kids.  And it's been going on long enough that I guess we're looking at a new generation of young parents enmeshed in the same problems.  This stuff just sounds like a disaster and I don't see yet how the kids learn how to do different.  I'm a feminist and extremely independent, but hearing these stories, and going through the craziness of my own divorce (which is apparently a good one!) makes me think that really, unless one spouse is beating or ruining the other, the SOP ought to be to suck it up, maybe get a separate room or apartment somewhere so people can get away from each other, and otherwise just have quietly separate lives until the kids are launched.  Then you can have your miserable nasty year or two in court without a custody battle, the kids have their own lives and some shelter from your lunacy, and then things can settle down again.  

The kind of stories I'm reading here have me persuaded I should leave remarriage alone until after my daughter is grown and on her way, and make me hope x will find some nice, gentle, caring lady who doesn't want kids.  Just to keep things simple, stable, and relatively inexpensive.  

OK< I'm off to work & do something productive.  

[mango]

I have read most of the posts and I am a SM too. BM and my hubby were never married, and BM was not around when SD was only 2. SD was with dad.

But when I came into the picture BM got possessive, and wanted back in. Ended up getting 50/50, around age 5. Now SD is turning 13 this week, and the evil BM has completely managed to turn her against our entire family, friends, and neighbors. She has taken us to court at least 5 battles trying for SOLE. Never getting it, but always getting something "more" that what she had, just to shut her up. So a year later we would be back for another chunk of time to be removed, and so on...

Now that SD is 13 she is refusing to see us. Says it's an inconvenience to her social life. Not matter how nice, perfect, wonderful she has it at our house, the BM finds 'something' to reduce our time with. We even got one of the best counselors in town, and the PAS has managed to WIN despite of it. BM has turned SD against counselor too.

I finally started to separate myself from the situation about a year ago, as I was documenting, defending, and always trying to anticipate her next move. It was literally making my ill, and taking away from my own life with my own kids. Time I would never get back–ever. No matter what courts favor the BM's. Even if dad is perfectly good. My step daughter is so lucky to have such a wonderful dad. (He is a lot like the Little House on the Prairie dad/Charles. - no lie). ..if she only knew what she was denying herself....

I never could understand why a BM would want to deny a child such a good thing. She wants to cut us out completely, because she is SO INSECURE that her daughter might love us too. So she simply makes sure she can never get close to us, and twists anything good into bad. You'd be amazed at how manipulative this BM can be. Pure EVIL.

I surrendered to prayer, as it is out of our control. We hang on with a thread. My husband is ready to cut the thread himself, as it is difficult for him to see what his SD has turned into to. She lies, and plots with her BM to get out of coming to see us. Our 50/50 plan is nearly one weekend a month, as she calls to cancel nearly each week. We just want to stay out of court. The stress of court alone has stolen so much of our life. Again, part of our prime years of life that we will never get back has been spent stressing about attorney bills, court dates, and how to hang-on to his daughter.

I think we finally hit our end. All I can think is we have done NOTHING to deserve this. Maybe just maybe someday SD will regret dumping us Us being her dad me, her 3 half-siblings that adore her, and her grandparents, not to mention her only cousins, as she has none on her BM's side). But we have fought with all we had, and it was never enough. When her excuse now, is I can't see my friends when I'm at your house, I can't concentrate on school-work, I can't sleep as late cause of my siblings...we accomodate her complaints, and she always comes up with a new excuse...it's perpetual.

I do wonder now if Karma will happen... I do not wish bad upon BM, I actually wish she could find her own happiness so she can leave us alone. But I do think someday her daughter will see us in a different light. If she can ever get separated from  her mom long enough to get her own mind. She will do whatever her mom asks her to. Even has the same favorite color as BM.


Her BM is so clever and a very strong personality, (She is well educated N-BPD)  4 college degrees, very little actual work experience though. She has managed have student loans and milk her parents for money to sustain her self the entire time I have been around. According to hubby she was in school when he met her too (she was around 29ish then). Age 42 now, and 4 degrees later she finally got a really good job. I'm actually happy for her, and hope it keeps her occupied enough to get a life.

She obsesses over our lives, and runs us down daily. She is consumed with getting rid of us. She has finally won. Her negative influence is too strong.

My one peice of advice is do not get so caught up in it that you loose part of your life, as you can never get that part back. So much of the "BM's" stuff and court stuff is out of our control and we can only do so much. Good luck.

[Stirling]

"the SOP ought to be to suck it up, maybe get a separate room or apartment somewhere so people can get away from each other, and otherwise just have quietly separate lives until the kids are launched."

The problem with this is that this is the only marriage relationship that the kid's will know, and they will think that it is normal and healthy.  They will model their own relationships on this model since it is the only on they know.  


"I should leave remarriage alone until after my daughter is grown and on her way"

This is pretty much my plan.  1.5 years to go!  Actually I plan to reinvent/transform my life experience in many ways once my youngest is emancipated.  Remarriage may or maynot be part of that.

[gemini3]

I just found this website a few days ago, and I have to say that it helps.  I'm not even a stepmom yet!  I have been with my fiance for over a year, and his kids BM has always been sort of bad, but since we decided to get married and moved in together she's been out of control.

I read two very helpful books:  Divorce Poison by Richard A. Warshack, and Divorce Casualties by Douglas Darnall.  I found both very helpful, but thought that Divorce Poison was the best because it gives you advice on what to do, instead of doing what most people tell you to do, which is nothing.  How can you stand by and do nothing when your DH's ex is bad mouthing both of you to the kids, making fals abuse accusations, not complying with custody agreements, ect?

I too have ended up being the "record keeper".  Maybe guys just aren't good at that huh?  It makes me feel better to see that there are so many other women out there who are the record keepers.  :)  It's hard because I start to obsess, and sometimes feel like I'm nagging my fiance to tell me what's going on.  

[CGS]

I've found great solace in "Joint Custody With a Jerk" too. It helps to put things into perspective when dealing with a pain of an ex.