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Author Topic: Contact with daughter vs. Upset Current Partner  (Read 8055 times)

Mamacass

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I feel ya, and a little advice
« Reply #10 on: Nov 29, 2006, 08:05:37 PM »
Wow.  I guess you could say we were in a similar spot.  My CH's ex actually told him at one point while we were dating that he could only see his son if he promised that I wouldn't be near him.  (she had some jealousy issues when she realized that DH was over her.  Guess she thought she could leave him on the back burner while she sowed her wild oats.)  
Anyways, my DH told her that he couldn't do that b/c we too had a child together and it would be impossible for me not to be around for an entire weekend.  After 3 weeks of going crazy b/c he couldn't see his son I told DH that we could spend every other weekend apart.  We only had to do it for a few visits until he could get his time court ordered.  

Now although I think your girlfriend is being selfish, I can empathize with her.  Your daughter is probably a reminder that you did love someone else and were intimate with someone else before her.  And it is tough in a new relationship to share your partner.  I assume y'all have been together for less than 18 months, so you're still in the "honeymoon" stage of dating and its natural that she wants one-on-one time before the new baby arrives.  That doesn't make it right though to ask you to spend less time with your daughter

My advice:  first and foremost don't give up your time with your daughter.  You can't make up for missed time later on, and if you agree to less time, you may not be able to "up" the time in the future.
Second, communicate with your girlfriend.  if she is feeling threatened by your relationship with your daughter, find out why.  She probably needs to know that she too is very important to you.  sometimes g/f's and wives can feel a little forgotten when you're spending all your time fighting for and missing your child.  
Third, even though you have been through a pregnancy before, and this isn't really new to you, act like it is.  My husband probably didn't mean to, but sometimes he had a "been there, done that" attitude.   When she's talking about the pregnancy, get excited and listen to what she's saying.   speaking from experience, it's hard not to have your feelings hurt when your going through the first pregnancy and your telling your boyfriend something about the baby/pregnancy and he says "I've done this before you know".  It has a way of making you feel like stale leftovers.  

Anyways, hope this helps.  


wysiwyg

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RE: I feel ya, and a little advice
« Reply #11 on: Dec 01, 2006, 12:34:27 PM »
Mamacass brought something to light here in my life:

"Your daughter is probably a reminder that you did love someone else and were intimate with someone else before her. And it is tough in a new relationship to share your partner."

MY parents divorced when I was very young in 1965, my father got custody after a long battle and in them days it was more who had the most money won, and being paternal family was wealthy, dad got custody.  Nuff said bout that, just some background.

Mom got remarreid shortly after the divorce, she was 25 my new stapfather was 52.  From the get go I knew he hated me and he used to tell me "Every time I look at you I have to remember that your mother made love to another man".  I was only 6 years old and he would say that every time I went to see my mom and stay with her.  I am now 45, my mom died 12 years ago, my step father 11 years ago, and I still think about this all the time.  I also found letters from them both to each other upon their deaths and it took me 12 years to read thru them all but you know, even my mother said that to him many times along with "my daughter does not like you becasue you hit me and make me cry"  These letters had been sent to the institution where he was confined for alcoholism.

My point here is this, do not let your new wife make your child feel any less loved or have to choose between her or the new baby or the new wife.  These are entirely 2 different kinds of love and she needs to lean how to dela wiht this and be a part of both childrens life or she will be giving you ultimatums and saying hurtful things to your daughter that she will have to deal wiht for the rest of her life as I try to deal with these hurful things too.

gabes_mom

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RE: Contact with daughter vs. Upset Current Partner
« Reply #12 on: Dec 04, 2006, 02:57:53 PM »
No you don't have enough contact with your daughter in my opinion and your current girlfriend needs to get over it!  Sorry but as a stepmom and a mom it infuriates me that another person would try to limit what precious time a child has with their father!  Your girlfriend with her hormone imbalances and all needs to grow up.  I know all you did was post for an answer and I'm not blasting you it just that I can hardly believe that a woman who is going to be a mother herself (even if it is many weeks down the road) would try to keep a child from seeing their father as much as possible.  I'd have a talk with the girlfriend if I were you.

BelleMere

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your gf.

I don't think you should cut down on your time, btw (EOW is not very much, really), but it IS a delicate balancing act. One way to handle it would be to be firm with both females about how things will happen - your gf needs to know that you will NOT give up time with your D and that in addition, you and your D will do one on one things to establish a ritual Dad/daughter time together (like lunch every Saturday or morning walks or whatever). But when all three of you are together, try to pay attention to what your D might be doing that could be adding to the problem - does she insist on sitting in your lap ALL the time? When you all walk together, is it you holding hands with your D and your gf forced to walk behind? If you go to kiss your gf, does your D insist you kiss her too? If you are all three at McDonald's or somewhere eating, does your D talk only to you and sit so your gf is basically looking at her back (cutting her out)? One thing my DH did with me and my SD (now my adopted D) was tell her repeatedly - because she did things like insist on a kiss if I got one, or a "date" if we went out - that he loved us both but that they are different kinds of love, and not in competition - he would remind her that one day she will grow up and have a husband of her own, but he and I will still be together. It is not unusual for daughters to feel competitive with their father's new love, and that can add a lot of strain. Add to that you are not divorced from her Mom and there is a new baby on the way already . . .and your D also has a lot that could be causing her to do little things to your gf that you might not even be aware of at this point. Men, I have found, don't always "see" the games women play (and believe me, your D can play them too!) I'm sure there is an element of not wanting to share you in your gf's request, but it might be that she just finds your D is unpleasant to be around because she radiates some level of tension. I agree that you should also try to be as excited about this pg as your gf is and when you talk about how the baby will be raised and cared for, try as much as possible NOT to refer to how your D was raised as a good example. As in "Oh, when DD was a baby, we always used to read to her every night, and that really helped her." Seems pretty normal, but in this minefield of your life, a statement like that is a ticking bomb. Much better to phrase it in a general sense, like "I really believe in spending time reading to kids, don't you?"

It might also help to remind your gf that having a strong father daughter relationship can really make a difference in the long run with things she really won't want to deal with, like teen pregnancy. Girls who are close to their fathers are less likely to start having sex early, they act out less and generally do better in school - all things that will actually make your gf's longterm life a lot easier. Maybe you can give your gf a role in your relationship, like taking photos for scrapbooking or helping you think of things girls might like to do with their dads. Also, if your gf does something nice (anything, no matter how small - driving her to the mall, buying Cherios so she'll have them for breakfast, whatever) for your D (or vice versa, D for your gf) make a point of pointing it out and praising it. Yes, it seems like overkill, but you have a job here too - to help build the relationship with your D and gf.

mistoffolees

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RE: Contact with daughter vs. Upset Current Partner
« Reply #14 on: Dec 27, 2006, 07:43:32 AM »
Don't back down. Your daughter needs you. As hard as it is for your GF to understand, your daughter is just as much your responsibility as the new one.

You might want to consider joint counseling.


Jade

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>your gf.
>
>I don't think you should cut down on your time, btw (EOW is
>not very much, really), but it IS a delicate balancing act.
>One way to handle it would be to be firm with both females
>about how things will happen - your gf needs to know that you
>will NOT give up time with your D and that in addition, you
>and your D will do one on one things to establish a ritual
>Dad/daughter time together (like lunch every Saturday or
>morning walks or whatever). But when all three of you are
>together, try to pay attention to what your D might be doing
>that could be adding to the problem - does she insist on
>sitting in your lap ALL the time? When you all walk together,
>is it you holding hands with your D and your gf forced to walk
>behind? If you go to kiss your gf, does your D insist you kiss
>her too? If you are all three at McDonald's or somewhere
>eating, does your D talk only to you and sit so your gf is
>basically looking at her back (cutting her out)? One thing my
>DH did with me and my SD (now my adopted D) was tell her
>repeatedly - because she did things like insist on a kiss if I
>got one, or a "date" if we went out - that he loved us both
>but that they are different kinds of love, and not in
>competition - he would remind her that one day she will grow
>up and have a husband of her own, but he and I will still be
>together. It is not unusual for daughters to feel competitive
>with their father's new love, and that can add a lot of
>strain. Add to that you are not divorced from her Mom and
>there is a new baby on the way already . . .and your D also
>has a lot that could be causing her to do little things to
>your gf that you might not even be aware of at this point.
>Men, I have found, don't always "see" the games women play
>(and believe me, your D can play them too!) I'm sure there is
>an element of not wanting to share you in your gf's request,
>but it might be that she just finds your D is unpleasant to be
>around because she radiates some level of tension. I agree
>that you should also try to be as excited about this pg as
>your gf is and when you talk about how the baby will be raised
>and cared for, try as much as possible NOT to refer to how
>your D was raised as a good example. As in "Oh, when DD was a
>baby, we always used to read to her every night, and that
>really helped her." Seems pretty normal, but in this minefield
>of your life, a statement like that is a ticking bomb. Much
>better to phrase it in a general sense, like "I really believe
>in spending time reading to kids, don't you?"
>
>It might also help to remind your gf that having a strong
>father daughter relationship can really make a difference in
>the long run with things she really won't want to deal with,
>like teen pregnancy. Girls who are close to their fathers are
>less likely to start having sex early, they act out less and
>generally do better in school - all things that will actually
>make your gf's longterm life a lot easier. Maybe you can give
>your gf a role in your relationship, like taking photos for
>scrapbooking or helping you think of things girls might like
>to do with their dads. Also, if your gf does something nice
>(anything, no matter how small - driving her to the mall,
>buying Cherios so she'll have them for breakfast, whatever)
>for your D (or vice versa, D for your gf) make a point of
>pointing it out and praising it. Yes, it seems like overkill,
>but you have a job here too - to help build the relationship
>with your D and gf.

First of all, I just don't know where to begin.  The CHILD wants to be with her father when he has her.  So what if she wants to sit on his lap all of the time.  So what if she wants a kiss from Daddy.  

Anybody who has a problem with a parent spending time and  being affectionate to their child is not somebody that should be around children.  

It isn't about the adults, it is about the children.  And while they are children, their needs should come first.  

 

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