And I can relate. I read some into what you posted here and forgive me for not knowing the specifics of your situation. Here's what I read though:
1. Your
SD's mom is against her having a relationship with you
2. Your SD feels she has to please her mom at all costs
What this spells for you is that you become the safe-guard for your SD. I'm guessing that down deep she knows that you are there for her and that you care for her. She probably also cares for you. HOWEVER, the natural inclination of a child to please its parent and to be wanted and loved by its parent is greater than that of the child to treat an inferior person with respect, common courtesy, etc.
My advice to you is to just have a heart-to-heart with your SD. Tell her that you are aware that she is lying, over-exaggerating, etc when it comes to relaying information to her mom about you. Tell her that you are aware that she is conflicted and feels pulled in several directions with respect to how she connects with people.
Don't accuse her mom of anything - heck, don't even bring her mom's name up in the conversation. Doing so will put your SD on the defensive right quick and you'll lose the intent of your conversation.
Explain to her that you care for her, but that you cannot allow her to misuse you. And that the door is always open for her to come and talk to you.
Then, realize for yourself that some of this behavior is manipulative to take the heat off of herself - if she and her mom are arguing, it's easy to push the dad/stepmom button with her mom and get herself out of the hot seat. What you and your
DH need to do when her mom calls and is ranting about something that SD says happened in your house - adopt the 'my house, my rules; your house, your rules' methodology. If you didn't directly see something happen, and especially if it is not within your regular time with her - let it go and let her mom handle things. And tell her mom that - "I'm sorry you and SD are having a difficult time. I'm sure you'll figure out the best way to handle it." And then HANG UP. Don't offer suggestion, don't say 'boy, wait til SD gets home from this one......' Because you don't know how much twisting her own mother is doing of what is happening.
Now, also realize that some of this behavior is survival for herself. Like with the IMing......how do you think her mom would have reacted if when she was asked who she has been chatting with for the last 1/2 hour - if she had said 'Oh, just Ref'? I'd bet $100 that her mom would have blown a gasket and gone off about how Ref is not a part of her family.....blah blah blah. So to spare herself - and not anticipating that her mom would call - she says she was chatting with her dad.
Yes, let your SD know that it is unacceptable to lie, and that she should feel strong enough to tell the truth no matter what is going on. But - be willing to understand that she may not be able to stand up for herself yet with her mom.
My SD is 17 and still doesn't always have the gumption or confidence to stand up and call her mom on the lies that she is told. Every once in awhile though.......she does. And I have to admit that I smile a little smile to myself and think 'maybe she's starting to get it.'
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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam, Snoop & Dagger
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