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Author Topic: I don't think she should be invited.......  (Read 3143 times)


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I don't think she should be invited.......
« on: Dec 26, 2006, 01:47:14 PM »
Ugh, holidays........
Here's the problem: DH's ex and daughter are invited to (and attend) all of DH's family parties, even though DH and I are not invited. WTF?!?!?!

I cannot express how much this hurts us.
DH and BM were together for almost 10 yrs and were never married. Even after they broke up, DH and BM were still invited to family parties. This family is on DH’s mother’s side and things haven’t been the same since she passed away. But it wasn’t until BM took DH to court that his family stopped talking to him.
In the 2 years DH and I have been together, we've only been invited to ONE function. It was awkward, since it was the first time the family and I met and because BM was there. Needless to say, no one spoke to me because they were too busy chatting with BM!!
We are positive BM has told the family awful things about us. We don't know what she said exactly, but it obviously must have been something terrible for them to just cut all communication.

Should we just show up at the next party, uninvited? Should we send a letter to all of his family instead, telling them how we feel? How do you handle something like this???


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RE: I don't think she should be invited.......
« Reply #1 on: Dec 27, 2006, 05:08:18 AM »
Live your lives without them in it. Don't send cards, letters, anything.

Live as if they don't exist. By fretting over this, you are both allowing his family to punish you for having a relationship and that is abuse and none of their business.

Free yourselves of this immediately. Do not attend their family gatherings, do not reach out to them. They have made their choice and must live with it.

I have been there. My family believed all the lies my ex spouted and told me that my future wife was not welcome in their home. Well, I told them that we are together and that is that. My ex wife buddied up to my family and used them for money and leverage during our divorce and custody battle. It worked for a time. She has custody. As soon as she didn't need them anymore, her true colors came through. My wife and I had lived our lives without my family and as much as I missed them, I refused to bow down. Five years go by and one of my family members reached out to "mend fences". Rather then taking the opportunity to rub their faces in what they had done to my child by enabling the mother, and to me by failing to respect me as a man, I accepted this olive branch and we now all have a wonderful relationship.

People will believe what they CHOOSE to believe no matter how PLAIN the truth is right in front of them. You cannot make people like that see any differently. When they are ready to see things as they really are, then they will come to that place on their own. Many of these close minded people never think straight. You cannot allow that to impede on the path you are traveling.


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RE: I don't think she should be invited.......
« Reply #2 on: Dec 27, 2006, 06:26:55 AM »
Honey, ignore the family. They will come around or they will lose out. DH on the other hand needs to have a little chat with his family about their inclusions/exclusion.

If he never tells them (point blank) then he has no excuse for allowing them to treat you both this way. It is each spouse's responsibility to deal with their family for the sake of the marriage.

Lastly, grow a thick skin. His ex will be "there" for many more years to come. Learn to paste on a smile and act civilly at all times... pretend she is great aunt Tilly and don't let her spoil your time.
A true soldier fights, not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves whats behind him...dear parents, please remember not to continue to fight because you hate your ex, but because you love your children.


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RE: I don't think she should be invited.......
« Reply #3 on: Dec 27, 2006, 07:31:01 AM »
Have you told them how much it hurts you (actually, it should be DH who does this). Sometimes, people are just clueless and don't realize how stupid they're acting). I would start here if you haven't done so already. You could quite appropriately say "I don't know what you heard, but I know that ex has been telling a lot of lies about us".

If you've already done so, then I would write off family functions. Feel free to invite them to your house or your own functions if you wish, but stay away from the family functions.

Good luck.


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RE: But, she is their family in a way.....
« Reply #4 on: Dec 27, 2006, 08:46:14 AM »
Well, first of all, let me say that if the family has chosen to believe any lies....they are not worth worrying over.  I would definitely not go to any family function uninvited.    If invited, I would go and not let on that her being there bothered me.

My brother and his wife have been married for 18 years.  They have a six year old daughter together and they split up this year.  While I dont approve of all of her actions, I still care for her and want what is best for my niece.  When I have birthday parties, both my brother and his stbx are invited.   She attends.  WE all go to the same church together as well.  My parents did invite her for Christmas dinner, but she did not come.  In a way, I think she is happy to do her own thing, but it could also be that she doesnt want to have my brother feeling as if she is intruding.

What I am trying to say is that by inviting her does not mean they are against you and dh.   But, the action of not inviting the two of you does appear that they have chosen sides - hers.  Nothing you can say is going to change this.

As suggested by others, I would ignore that side of the family completely.  I would not reach out to them.  Perhaps if there is one that your dh feels close with, he could ask that person what the deal is....but that is all I would do...


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