Troubled ss

[dipper]

It took over 2 years for dh to get custody of ss after his bm moved him away.  During that time, ss was burned badly and kicked out of school twice...and received criminal charges for taking a knife to school and vandalizing a laptop computer.

Last school year, the first with us, was not the best....he still got in a lot of trouble, just not as much.

This school year he has been a struggle from the get-go.  And to top it off he was suspended for possession of marijuana.  We tested him and he tested negative for use....claimed it was a friends..and he was taking it back to dealer for friend to get friends money back - Friend did not think he got enough for his cash.  Now, the other boys are saying ss did put in money on the stash......

At any rate, my problem is with dh....He doesnt punish ss for anything.  I feel ss and I are pitted against each other..and ss wins each time.  SS just had a birthday and dh got him a BB Gun.  I dont like it....dh says he needs to know we trust him.  well, I dont.  the kid has slashed neighbors tires in the past, shot a new truck with a bb gun in the past, criminal charges for before mentioned, and now the drugs....NO, he doesnt need a BB gun....

Just venting mainly...

[mistoffolees]

As a former (before my divorce) stepfather, I can commisserate. Step parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. You want to provide a positive influence on the kids' lives, but don't really have any control. If you try to get too involved, you're made to feel like you're meddling. If you don't get involved, you're the evil (read distant) stepparent.

You can't make DH punish SS (nor am I saying that DH SHOULD punish SS since I'm not there). Your main objective should be your relationship with your husband. Even though you shouldn't be telling him how to discipline his kids, he should really be discussing things with you - particularly if there are other kids.

I'd suggest that you forget the SS for a while and get counseling for you and your husband on parenting.

Just MHO.

[Sherry1]

won't win.  I can guarantee you that my YSS is much more troubled then yours.  (My YSS has two juvenile felonies behind him as well as suspended from school last year for a large amount of pot on him.  He is currently a high school dropout to take his GED in January)

My DH doesn't discipline or enforce rules the way he should, but I have chosen just to step back and let the chips fall where they may.  You can't force your DH to parent, and you can't make him discipline how you think he should.  If you want to save your marriage, you have to take care of yourself first.  When you start taking care of yourself and distancing yourself from your SS you will feel better.

So, what is the worse that can happen with your SS if your DH refuses to discipline him?  Natural consequences for bad behavior sometimes has to play out.

My biggest concern about the BB gun is that if the kid shoots and hurts someone or something, you could be held financially and legally responsible.  

[babyfat]

I know this sounds mean but have you considered making the bb gun vanish? You know it is left out one day and all of the sudden it is nowhere to be found. Then you play dumb. You cannot control how your husband parents his son but for saftey sake that bb gun needs to go! How do you know he isn't going to shoot you with it? In most cases you will be held responcible for all damage done with it. If he shoots out a car window, etc you'll have to pay.

[Sherry1]

then play stupid about where it went.

[mistoffolees]

>then play stupid about where it went.

Probably a good place to start, but that doesn't stop someone from getting him another one - or a knife - or a firearm. Or he hits someone. If you go that route (and it sounds like a good idea), just be sure to remind yourself that it's only a temporary 'fix' and you'll still need to deal with the broader issues.

[dipper]

I appreciate all the responses, I truly do.  

As for paying if he shoots something/someone....I had forgotten to mention that in addition to the tires and damaged truck dh has paid before due to ss' antics....we also had to pay the $250 (half of the $500) when he vandalized the school laptop.

I have been trying to take an honest assessment of myself the last few days as my marriage is really strained due to all of this.  Today I was asking myself - why did I help dh get custody of an already troubled child....was it to win against bm or because I love the child.  Unfortunately, I think its some of both - though I really thought we could save ss....

I believe ss is dh's responsibility.  But, I do have two daughters - one same grade as ss and a younger one.  The one his age is so angry that ss doesnt get punished.  She has major attitude, so she is not perfect by any means....but, she behaves in school and she makes really good grades.  It's hard to explain that ss is not my child and I cannot discipline him when we all live in the same household and lets face it, it is unfair to have different rules.

SS has been kicked out of school for the rest of the year and is going to an alternative placement for only 2 hours an evening.  I do not want him just sitting around the house all day eating and watching TV....

But, once again, there isnt much I can do about it.  I know dh will not even consider marriage counseling - he is just waiting for this to blow over......

By the way, someone mentioned in their post about ss possibly shooting me with the BB gun.....ODD because I dreamt that he was pointing at my chest going to shoot me and it was only dh that saved me....and then I was going to call the police and dh promised he would get ss out of here if I didnt..and they moved out.  But, I was scared and decided not to live here anymore....

[mistoffolees]

If DH won't get counseling, you might want to consider it for yourself. I honestly don't believe it will change the fundamental issues, but it will help you cope.

And I agree that one household should have the same rules for everyone. It's not terrible if a kid has different rules in his/her two different homes, but when one home has different kids with different rules, it wll generally lead to problems of one type or another.

And in this situation, I'd be very concerned about the daughters. You'd feel terrible if anything happened to them.

I know what I'd do, but since I'm not in your position, that advice probably wouldn't be useful. I would suggest, however, the counseling and also talking with someone about your daughters' safety.

Good luck.

[dipper]

Mist,  the first thing I did the evening ss got caught in school was to make him take a drug test, which was negative.  Had it been positive I had every intent to kick him out, regardless of whether dh went too...

I am still not comfortable as I dont want drugs brought around my daughters.  I do not trust that ss has learned any lesson.  Unfortunately, he will probably be with the guys he got in trouble with in the alternative placement.

Thank you for your wisdom.  

[mistoffolees]

>Mist,  the first thing I did the evening ss got caught in
>school was to make him take a drug test, which was negative.
>Had it been positive I had every intent to kick him out,
>regardless of whether dh went too...
>


That wasn't what I was concerned about. In the case of your daughters, I was concerned about violence. In addition, I can't remember where I read it, but I believe I read that abuse was fairly common between step-siblings.

I wouldn't leave the girls in the house alone with him.

[babyfat]

there is no way you should leave him with the girls. I ahve also read abuse between step siblings is common in several places. Forget just leaving him in the house with them I would not leave them in the same room with out an adult present. Better safe then sorry. Sounds awful but be on guard. This child has alread proved he is a danger.