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Author Topic: So much for BM understanding what the therapist told her!  (Read 1840 times)


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So much for BM understanding what the therapist told her!
« on: Oct 22, 2004, 03:45:29 PM »
I posted here last week explaining that our therapist had informed both DH and BM that parenting time precedes children's acitivies. She acknowledged that and agreed during our meeting with the therapist.

Well, now that it comes down to my weekend and her having to drive 1/2 (4 hours one way) she is attempting inerference! I should have known better! DH's daughter called earlier this week to request they be able to go to a dance a school on that Friday night. They are to meet 10/28 in the evening and be here for the 29th, 30 and 31st. They only have a 1/2 school on 29th so all agreed it was ok to miss. DH informed the kids that they would not be able to go to the dance (13 and 12 year olds) and boy did he get some objections even after he informed them that if he were in town they could go, but they are scheduled to be here that weekend. His daughter's objections were EXACTLY the same as what Mommy dearest said during their meeting with the therapist last week. She sounded like a parrot!

We both understand that at this age the kids want to do those things. However, this is the first time EVER that she has agreed to drive them 1/2 to our home for a weekend during the school year and the therapist says it should be onex per month. So, we feel that we can't change already before we get a pattern established. If we allow a modification now then she will use any and all actitives to do this again so that she doesn't have to drive. She has already complained about that so we know that is the real reason. THe dance came up and she worked it to her advantage.  DH feels like the proverbial "bad guy" as he is saying no to them and not getting any back up support from their Mom in this decision. Mom should have called DH to discuss instead of having the kids do it. So now, once again, they are stuck in the middle! Indirectly, she is telling those kids that it is not important to be at Dad's house. DH feels if he says "no" then with their Mother's help they will decide that they will not meet us 1/2 for visitation next weekend. Why is it her way or the highway, always?

URGGGG! Everytime we get something worked out that seems like things will finally settle down for a while she pulls this crap again. Can she ever stop? I feel like there are days I could have a heart attack and I am only 37!

I truly feel this woman will NEVER get it and I have to find a better way to deal with the unlimited amount of stress I will have to endure from her for the next 11 years until the youngest is 18.  Any ideas anyone? Lately I feel as if there is an elephant sitting on my chest, my back is full of knots and my jaw hurts. I know exactly why; just don't know how to get rid of it! I had a massage this week and even the massage therapist told me I had knots she couldn't work out and she even gave me an extra 20 minutes FREE!

So, now we have a phone call and email into the therapist to ask his advice and see if he can get BM to see the light so to speak. Impatiently waiting for a response here.

Just venting!
Thanks for listening once again!

All of us are family

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RE: So much for BM understanding what the therapist told her!
« Reply #1 on: Oct 22, 2004, 06:06:16 PM »
Well, all I can tell you is how my wife and I handle the stress related to things of this nature.

1. Don't take any of what happens in relation to the ex personally. No matter who had married the ex, what child that person and the ex had, who had divorced the ex, who had married your DH, they would all be in the same boat that you and your DH are in right now.

2. You can't control the ex's response to any given situation. The only response that you can control is your own.

3. In any response you give, understand that your child is watching YOU and the child will hold YOU accountable for YOUR response, just as you should hold yourself accountable and take responsibility for it.

4. No matter what response you give, the ex will ALWAYS respond the same way (at least in my case she did). I was cordial to the ex for 2 years, I gave in to almost every request/demand that she had having to do with my child, then I decided that maybe ignoring her would work. No matter what I did, her response was ALWAYS the same: "I'll see you in court!" Don't be afraid to respond to the ex's actions or deeds for fear that it will be detrimental to the child. What the ex is doing IS detrimental to the child, and you protecting yourself from false allegations/TRO's/interupted visitation, whatever, is NOT going to make an already horrible situation worse. If you keep in mind the child behind the reason for YOUR response, then what you do will always help your child.


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RE: So much for BM understanding what the therapist told her!
« Reply #2 on: Oct 22, 2004, 07:40:20 PM »
Good advice...
Same way I am playing it until trial.

I tried taking St. John's Wort. They say it is an organic remedy for stress. Tried it for two weeks and did not see a difference. But everyone is different...

"Children learn what they live"


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Please see a doctor
« Reply #3 on: Oct 24, 2004, 09:06:23 AM »
Get everything checked out.  There's some good advice on the second and third replies.

I spent a year in bed, mostly because of the pbfh across the street.  My resting pulse was 123.  They put me on Prozac to try and lower my pulse rate.  What worked for me was that woman moving.  The bands came off my chest, and within 24 hours my pulse was down.  I'm still not back to normal, whatever that is, but it's an improvement.  

I'm thinking about going back on St. John's Wort.  It helped years ago with panic attacks.  Ask your doctor about it.

The woman will never "get it".  In fact with people like her, it's all a game.  She doesn't care about what's right, she just wants to win at any cost.  Don't let her bury you.


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Yes, please.
« Reply #4 on: Oct 25, 2004, 07:46:36 AM »
I truly understand the stress!  I was on celexa when my marriage was failing and it did help.  I had to get back on it a few months ago and it is helping again, I have to constantly think about breathing and remaining calm because of BM's actions.  SO and I had a great weekend and then last night he called the kids to say Hi, just hearing BM voice when she answered made me feel sick to my stomach.  
She is "winning" in so many ways.  SO has obviously been under alot of emotional torture, but now I can see him physically going down.  I've asked him to see a Dr. and he won't.  He always feels bad and I am worried he is just going to give up.  He's only 39.


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RE: So much for BM understanding what the therapist told her!
« Reply #5 on: Oct 25, 2004, 03:06:57 PM »
1. How do you NOT take it personally when everything she does hurts the person you love the most?

2) I tell myself that all the time, but sometimes you are not able to control "how you feel".

4) Yes, true with the woman we deal with too. DH has tried being nice and giving her everything, but she still pulled interference. He has tried saying "no" to her and just more of the same crap and even if we ignore her still the same.

Anyway, the therapist's answer was quite vague. DH and I were both irritated over it. He basically said that DH has a right to say no to the dance, but then on the other hand he said that we would end up with 2 very disappointed kids and we should avoid that if at all possible? Yet, this is the same guy that told us parenting time precedes activites? I don't get these people sometime. Regardless, DH is going to tell the kids they will, unfortuanately, not be able to go to this dance as we have already made plans for their weekend here (family pictures and other things). He is going to explain to them that since this isn't the first dance this is why he is saying no, and also because it was determined that they were to be here not less than 2 weeks ago which is too short of a notice to change things. IN addition, he will remind him that on the weekends he is back in their town (one per month) he allows them to attend pretty much everything they want to, and that also includes having friends spending the night. I will let you know if BM actually brings the kids 1/2 on Thursday then!


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