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Author Topic: Need some help  (Read 1577 times)

imadreamer_2007

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Need some help
« on: Jan 07, 2007, 09:04:42 PM »
Hi, I am new here, and have joined because a friend told me this was the place to ask some questions.
 Ive been married for almost 10 years, and have 3 great kids, 9,4 and 2. Hubby and I used to get along, until he lost his job after the 9/11 attacks. Since then he has been unable to find work in the engineering field. I was expecting the second child when he lost his job, and the third one was not planned.. he just kindof happened. I wouldnt trade any of them though:-)
 Since the loss of his job, he went back to school and got certified to teach high school. He hates teaching, but it is better than nothing. With 2 kids of daycare age and not having anything other than a high school diploma, I havent been able to find work that pays enough for childcare, or fits in with hubbys hours so he can work and make lesson plans in the evenings.  Now that the oldest is full time in school, the middle one is part time in preschool (special ed) and the third is the only one home full time, I could possibly get a job, but in August I got very sick. After 2 surgeries, and many cat scans and doctors visits we found out on Friday that I have something rare called Sarcoidosis.. not cancer as we originally feared, but still pretty debilitating.
Since the loss of his engineering job almost 5 years ago, My husband has become increasingly verbally abusive. This is in front of the kids as well. Usually I am the target but about 4 years ago he lost control physically and kicked our 5 year old daughter in the stomach. I threw him out(and caught heck from his parents) but CPS was called next day by the school when our daughter told what happened.. and I caught it again because his parents said that I "must have told her what to say, or should have told her not to tell anyone". I did neither.  At the time he agreed to get anger management classes and see a shrink . He signed up for the classes but never went, as far as the shrink, he still goes, and has been diagnosed with a schitzoid personality disorder for which he takes antidepressants. Without them he is totally unbearable, with them he is only slightly verbally abusive, but its still quite a bit.
  I realize, that I have not contributed financially to the family, and to be honest, no I havent always been the best cook or housekeeper. At one point, during post partum depression, my house was bad enough for CPS to intervene. I then got it together with the help of CPS (yes, they HELPED!) and have pretty much been able to maintain a reasonable order to the house, until lately, with being so ill, it has been a little messier.
  In december, his parents and he decided that they should control our finances, and they informed me of this decision. Now if I need to go to a doctor, I have to ask for the money from them for the copay and the gasoline. (The university hospital is a little over an hour away and is the nearest place with pulmonologists to care for me).
  His mom is now making noise about wanting us to get a divorce, and he is claiming they will hire him an attorney to make sure the kids stay with him. Im not a bad mom, the only thing I have done "wrong" is to get sick. He says that because I dont have the finances to support them he will get them, and his parents will make sure of it. My family is unable to help.. even with a place to stay temporarily. Due to divorce long ago my parents are split up, my mother is mentally in no condition and my father has cancer. There's nothing to fall back on in my family.
  So I guess what I am asking, is .. is there any hope for someone in my situation to fight back and get my kids if a divorce should happen. To be real honest, I had planned to begin work this past fall and put a little aside each paycheck for an escape, now I cant do that. Is there a way for a woman with no education beyond high school, and no recent job experience and no money to fight for custody against a man who is employed and has parents with money to pay for his side of the battle? Or should I just stay where I am and hope it gets better?
 


mistoffolees

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RE: Need some help
« Reply #1 on: Jan 08, 2007, 09:24:02 AM »
In principle, in most states the only consideration is what's best for the kids. With you being the primary caretaker, that's a big advantage for you.

The fact that CPS has documented his kicking your daughter is a huge plus, as is his diagnosis of personality disorder.

I would suggest that you focus very hard on being the best parent you can right now. If you are physically unable, get as much help as you can from your local and state agencies. You might also see if your husband's health insurance provides any help.

You should probably also see an attorney (many attorneys will give you an initial consultation at no charge) or your local legal aid. If you think the marriage is over, your attorney may want you to be the one to file.

One thing that concerns me is your husband's inability to find work in an engineering field for over 5 years. We hire quite a few engineers and I can tell you that anyone with any kind of engineering experience is in great demand almost everywhere. I would be concerned that his mental illness isn't under control (also based on the other things you've said).

Given that you've been the primary caregiver in spite of your illness and that the husband is a documented abuser, I'd say you have a very goood chance. Get some legal advice if you can and good luck. It's not going to be easy no matter what happens.

imadreamer_2007

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RE: Need some help
« Reply #2 on: Jan 08, 2007, 01:39:46 PM »
Well, its not like he is TRYING to look for work. Since he got laid off 5 years ago, I am the one who suggested teaching (so its my fault for pushing him into something he never wanted to do according to him) .. I am the one who got him the applications-AND filled them out for the substitute jobs and permanant teaching positions he has had.. all he did was sign the application and go to the interviews.. and again I am the one who has scoured the internet for engineering jobs or teaching jobs when he decides he doesnt like where he is at.. or when they decide he isnt worth keeping.. which has always been the case.
  I am serious.. the man seems to think that opportunity is going to come looking for him by name. It is NOT gonna happen!

 

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