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Author Topic: Venting hatred  (Read 5059 times)

almostastepmom

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Venting hatred
« on: Dec 01, 2003, 04:40:12 PM »
We resently had my BF's 2 children over for the Thanksgiving holiday.  We have had some problems in the past but thought we were over and done with that.  Until this weekend when he's 8 year old daughter sat down on the couch next to me, with her journal and opened it up to the page the said the f word and had the words I HATE (me) in big letters and underlined in it.  I was crushed.  I didn't know what to do or to say to her, so I just put them to bed and called their father.  
I later that night, against my better judgment, read the other 3 pages in it.  It talk about 8 year old stuff and also about how I'm so mean to them and that their daddy deserves better and so do they.  All I do is nit-pick at them and everything is always their fault.  It also said that they are not to trust anything I say or do, because mommy said so.
I guess my question is, what the heck do I do now?  I love these 2 kids like they were my own and I am at my wits end.


mudbunnies

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #1 on: Dec 02, 2003, 07:16:11 AM »
hmm... well after reading this i thought about my 8 yr old who would have difficulty articulating those kinds of feelings into writing so my first question is, is it child handwriting? or adult? or something in between.

and my only advice is to talk to them, communication is the biggest key and the greatest bridge.

let them know that you "inadvertently" saw their comments and it hurt your feelings and would like to discuss why they feel that way, how can you guys, together, work to improve those feelings, and dad should be right beside you in all this showing that he loves you and that he wants everyone to work together....

best of luck...

Nowastepmom

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #2 on: Dec 02, 2003, 12:53:05 PM »
Hi, I am so sorry that you had to read this.  I know it must have hurt your feelings so bad.  With this said, look back at your relationship with your parents as a young child.  I know that at many different times in my childhood I "hated" my parents, especially  my mom and she was the one that took care of us for the most part, although they were, and still are, married.  I can even remember a journal that I had that I would write how mad I was at my mom when she did something I didnt like.  It is normal for children to feel like this against their parents.  Now I can totally understand how you would feel hurt that most of these feelings were directed towards you, and that she states that your dad could do so much better.  But look at it from this child's eyes, especially if her mom is telling her that it is your fault, and that her mom doesnt like you.  The child is just emulating what her mom is saying.  

Look at what you do with them, do you think that you are mean to them?  Does the dad back you up when you reprimand the children, does the dad do most of the reprimanding or do you?  I know just last week my stepson got very upset with me because I told him it was time for dinner, and he wouldnt sit next to me at dinner (he ALWAYS sits next to me) because he was upset with me.  Dh even went and told him that this was his rule too, and still step son said he was mad at me.  As a child, you have to blame someone for your problems and you are the easiest target. It stinks, believe me I know.  

IMO, dont tell the child you read this.  This will really upset her, she will feel like you are invading her privacy, and I am sure she will tell her mom who will only fuel this fire.  Maybe, you could start telling her more often that you love her, and give her more affection.  Let her know that you love her like your own.  And that it is ok that mom doesnt like you.  Maybe you could have your husband back you up on this also.  You know, have dh tell her that he loves you so much, without shoving this down her throat.  Good luck!!!

stepmom who cares

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #3 on: Dec 02, 2003, 06:55:54 PM »
I too am sorry you had to read this - my gut tells me the child is only writing (if it is her writing) what her mother is telling her.  Remember no matter what the mother does or says - they worship them!
My idea would be to make sure you communicate this with your husband - he has to be in the know.  Part of his job as a parent is to back you up and to always put you in a positive light to those kids.  They need to know how much you mean to him.  He has a big role here - don't take it all on yourself!
Good luck!  

Edeltruda

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #4 on: Dec 03, 2003, 12:26:17 AM »
I agree that you shouldn't tell the child that you read this, but mostly because I think that the intention was for you to read it.  My SO's ex doesn't like me and so all of her venting and anger is always directed at me.  IMO this is your case too- something the PBFH created.  

I am sorry that you were hurt, been there done that.  You're going to have to toughen the skin and love 'em at the same time.  


sweetnsad

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #5 on: Dec 03, 2003, 09:19:44 AM »
I, too, believe that all that venting is coming directly from BM...if you are consistent with your love, the child will know this and respect you for it...Don't let it get to you...Understand that the hatred stems from BM and her jealousy of you and your SO...
My SO's seven year old son hates me too, but that's because his mother tells him he should...What a terrible feeling to put on a child, especially when they want to feel a certain way and they can't because they feel they are "betraying" Mommy...I catch him glaring at me and I know it's because BM tells him that I stole him away from her and him and his brother and sister...
I'm sorry too you had to read that, but I believe it was intentional...Try to ignore it and don't admit you read anymore...You want to build trust, not damage it...

almostastepmom

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #6 on: Dec 03, 2003, 02:39:51 PM »
Thank you all for the responses you gave.

I did talk to her and told her that, while she sat next to me, I saw what she wrote.  I told her that I love her and her brother like they were my own children and what she wrote really upset me and hurt my feelings.  I also said that I take care of them and try to raise them as best as I know how and that being a child and getting in trouble sucks, but it doesn't mean that I don't love them.  I also expressed to her that it is ok to be upset, mad, angry, or anything else at me, but I would really like it if she would come tell me so we could work it out.  I don't like secrets and I don't like to be lied to. I did not tell her that I read the rest of the pages she wrote, I purchased that journal for her, explained what it was for, and told her that no one should ever read it.  I feel like a BIG hipocrit (not sure if that is how you spell it, but I feel horrable).
She wrote the words and I know it's because of her mother and all the brain washing she does to them, but it angers me to no end that one person could be that mean and messed up....
Thanks again everyone.


tulip

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #7 on: Dec 03, 2003, 11:44:28 PM »
You know, my dh's ex tells the kids horrible things about me all the time, out of jealousy. Fortunately, I spend enough time with them for them to know that I love them and they appreciate all that I do for them. My 17yo sd, on the other hand, tells her freinds all kinds of terrible things about me. I don't know if she's just doing it to fit in, or if she really hates me. That's really tough, and it hurts me.
I think 8 is a tough age for girls. We had horrible problems w/ysd when she was 8, but she outgrew it, and a lot of it is because we dealt with each and every incident and didn't take any crap from her. A lot of people I know have also complained about 8 year old girls having big attitude problems. I don't remember having a big attitude when I was 8, but I do remember my sm nit-picking at us a lot. She taught me a lot, and I owe a lot of the person I grew up to be to her. I know that my skids think I am too critical sometimes, and sometimes they are right. I have started telling my dh most of my concerns and expecting him to talk to the kids about it, so I don't have to be the "meanie."
The most important thing is that your spouse supports you. When the kids see that he loves you and you are the best thing for him, eventually they will come around and be happy about it.

nosonew

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RE: Venting hatred
« Reply #8 on: Dec 04, 2003, 10:53:09 AM »
Sounds like the 8 year old is testing you.  I believe you handled it correctly, and all you can do is control what is said and done in your home, and hopefully it will be a more enjoyable, loving, and fun place for the kids than at bm's.  

My ss wasn't allowed (per bm) to answer any question I asked him, except with an "I don't know" answer.  If I asked if he wanted a cheeseburger or regular hamburger, his response?  "I don't know".
If I asked, "what's your new teachers name?" His response, "I don't know".  This went on for over a year, and finally he asked me, "If I tell you something, will my mom go to jail?"  I said, "What? Why would your mom go to jail?"  He responded with "Mom said if I ever answered any of your questions, you would have her put in jail".  I explained to him that I didn't want her in jail any more than he did and I promised not to have her put in jail if he talks to me.  After that, he began to open up and talk and to this day I am his one person he knows he can come to that will not retaliate against the other parent and won't give him a load of bs to hear.  So, point is, just grin and bear it.  She is hurting herself, and the dtr will eventually figure this out.  Just be honest, if she tells you something to remain private, keep it private.

Look at the bigger picture, and always be the bigger person (as hard as it may be sometimes).  

hagatha

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You're missing it
« Reply #9 on: Dec 09, 2003, 08:27:15 AM »
This is the most obvious opening she could give . . .

>he's 8 year old daughter sat down on the couch next to me, with her
>journal and opened it up to the page the said the f word and
>had the words I HATE (me) in big letters and underlined in it.


This is a very smart child. She WANTED you to see that. She pulled her journal out and put it right under your nose. Now you have a wonderful opening to discuss everything with her. It all depends on how you want to present it

So try to remember her attitude then. Was she sullen, angry and distant, or matter-of-fact when she sat with you.  What happened right before this, was she punished for something? Could she have said something to her mother (nice) about you and been repremanded for having a good attitude about you?

Just don't beat yourself up about it. And don't change how you deal with her either. She needs to know, by deed not word you love her regardless of her feeling for you.

But you need to discuss this, and need to hold HER accountable for hurting your feelings.

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!! (Hey!! that's my line...lol)

The Witch

 

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