What do I say

[Nowastepmom]

SS 5 and I were talking about me being called step mom and he asked me to tell people that call me his step mom that I am not.  This hurt my feelings.  Dh has joint primary custody and ss is here more than at bm's house as well as I spend a great deal of time with him.  I didn't know what to say, I mean I do not want ss to be uncomfortable but how would I tell people this?  I actually do not want to tell people this either.  I mean, I married his father, but I am his step mom.  
NASM

[MissManners]

You tenderly reassure him that you love him as though he were your own, but that it would not be right to tell people that you are not his step mom because that would be lieing and lieing is wrong. Tell him that you understand how he feels but that you want to set a good example for him in honesty.

My step daughter introduces me all the time as, "This is my mom." I don't correct her in public because that might embarrass her like a public scolding. But she has lived with me and her dad for the last 8 years and doesn't see her BM that often. So to her, I am her everyday "mom" but she also knows who her biological mother really is. She calls her "mom" as well. She and I are very comfortable with that, though her mother is not. But that is her mother's problem, not ours.

Perhaps you and he could think of a better term that he is more confortable with! Something that will make it special for just the two of you!  Something to the effect of "Yes, I am William's Bonus Mom!" But to say, "I am not William's step mom, I'm his mother," would be a lie and would set an example that lieing is ok.

[MixedBag]

You find a happy balance....

I introduce myself as the step-mom and then go right on and give a short quick explanation and let it go.  Don't say anything negative in the explanation, just do it and move on.  People want to know the truth and don't like it when they find out later that you are the Step-mom and not the REAL mom because then you've "lied" to them.  

You're right -- you should tell people the truth and if only the SM in my situation would do that it would alleviate so many problems that have happened in the past.  You wouldn't believe the number of times people are angry with "her" because they've been lied to -- or actually misled would be the right way to put it.

On a scale of importance, people care that they've been told the truth.

As for your child -- tell him you ARE the step-mom and that there's nothing wrong with that and that you'll take his request as a compliment.  Tell him that people also deserve to know that he has a real mom and a step-mom.

[MissManners]

>.....
>People want to know the truth and don't like it when they find
>out later that you are the Step-mom and not the REAL mom
>because then you've "lied" to them.  
>
>
>On a scale of importance, people care that they've been told
>the truth.
>
 Tell him that people also deserve to
>know that he has a real mom and a step-mom.
>
Given your logic and reason that  "people care that they've been told the truth,"  don't you think perhaps you should change your signature to (and one STEP-grandbaby girl) from it's present statement.  After all "people also deserve to know" that she has a REAL grandmother and a STEP grandmother.

[Davy]

Ya'll are STEPPIN all overselfs.

The lad is the Master and if he is offended for whatever reason then please respect his wishes.  He is the ONLY one that matters.  Other people really do not matter and neither do your 'adult' feelings.  

When questioned it might be best to respond with the real truth by saying "I am his daddy's helper" and, if necessary, "his mommy is nearby".   Wouldn't that be pleasing to everybody ?  Perhaps if you   throw off all the societal labels you MAY get over yourself long enough  to have an opportunity to cultivate a real relationship.  Otherwise he may be labeling you with the "B"  word by the time he is 7 or 10 or 15 or ..

[StPaulieGirl]

The truth is the most important thing, not only for "other people", but also for the child.  It's never too early to teach a child that telling the truth is the right thing.  

Maybe the boy could say this is my mama(insert first name)?  

[StPaulieGirl]

The "lad" is 5 yrs old!  He isn't the master of anything, except perhaps putting his Legos away.   A child needs to know that it is very important to tell the truth.  Adults teach this to children, and reinforce it with their own actions.  Her "feelings" are valid ones, as she cares enough about this child to set a good example.  

"I am daddy's helper"?  She is his daddy's WIFE!  Dude, why don't you get over YOURSELF for once.  

[Davy]

"Maybe the boy could say this is my mama(insert first name)? "

Clearly, saying 'my mama' is a bold face lie.... not the truth.

[Davy]

Saying "I am daddy's helper" is a very pausible non-threatening explanation for a sensitive 5 year old.  It should/would be the TRUTH, set a good example,  teach and reinforce with actions all at the same time.   In my opinion, that statement would be considered uplifting for all concerned irregardless of the relationship.

For sake of clarification, a husband is a "helper" to a wife just like a wife is a "helper" to a husband.

Let me remind you that this is a Parenting board at SPARC ... you're not blitzing with a bunch of single psycho bitches.  

 

[StPaulieGirl]

So teaching moral lessons to children is important.  She is this boy's step mother.  She is married to this child's father.  Just because he spends more time with the step mother does not magically turn her into "mommy".  She is right to feel uncomfortable about this situation. Daddy's helper is his legal spouse.  Isn't it better that they're married instead of shacking up?

Davy, let me put it another way.  Say I get remarried and my 9 yr old wants to call her stepfather "daddy".  According to you, small children rule the roost, so that should be ok.  Not to me it isn't.  She has a father, for better or worse.

Davy, considering that you probably have every single female parent message board bookmarked, you should know I don't go there.

[Davy]

Of course ALL children are important and I've never posted anything to say otherwise nor did I say that small children rule the roost.  Nor did I ever indicate that a child should refer to a legal spouse as 'daddy' or 'mommy' (BUT YOU HAVE).  Nor has anything been mentioned about shacking up.  Bookmarking single female message boards is ridiculous.

Reread my post and focus.  Stop trying to manipulate and deceive every issue into convulsions.  

[StPaulieGirl]

So what about lying to strangers about the relationship between your stepchild andyourself?  That is what this whole post is supposed to be all about.  I guess in certain circumstances, lying is perfectly acceptable...

I offered an example of if my child should want to introduce a stepfather as her daddy, but you apparently won't address that.  She is experiencing the same emotions as that little 5 yr old boy is!  

Hey, you doperoped me again! LOL, you must be a lawyer :)(

[StPaulieGirl]

Let me try and explain my comment.  When I grew up, it was considered disrespectful to call your elders by their first name.  Therefore close adult friends of the family were called Auntxxx and Unclexxx.  

Now, this 5 yr old boy wants to call his stepmother mom in public and this makes stepmom uncomfortable.  I would feel uncomfortable too.  The BM is alive, therefore he has a mother.  A compromise that might work for both is for the boy to call his stepmom "Mama Annie", for instance.  Only the most clueless wouldn't understand that she is not his BM, but that she is an important adult figure in his life.

This would not be a bold faced lie.  In fact I think for a child that young, he should be taught respect for his father's wife, and her role in his life.  This situation in reverse would have you spitting nails, Davy.

Now what problem do you have with this possible solution?

[Davy]

I have graciously responded to these posts with the following :

Saying "I am daddy's helper" is a very pausible non-threatening explanation for a sensitive 5 year old. It should/would be the TRUTH, set a good example, teach and reinforce with actions all at the same time. In my opinion, that statement would be considered uplifting for all concerned irregardless of the relationship.

For sake of clarification, a husband is a "helper" to a wife just like a wife is a "helper" to a husband.


READ AND WEEP.  Be creative.  Think.  

What's your post count today ?  Geesh.  Control freak ?  Constantly NEEDING to get the last word ?  Trying to divide and conquer ?  A trouble maker ?  What you can't comprehend is your problem and no one else's.   It is easy to determine how you provoked your ex into DV.  

Moreover, when I was raising kids alone there was absolutely no time (or money) to afford the time to constantly post to a web site.  Why don't you want to tend to your children's needs and be a parent ??

[MixedBag]

You have a PM

[sweetnsad]

Davy...what the hell is wrong with you???  What kind of a response is that???  How disgusting...while the child's feeling certainly come foremost, her feelings matter too....and lying about the situation doesn't set ANY good example for the child...
That was just about the stupidest response I've ever seen you write.

[sweetnsad]

Just for clarification Davy, I am no one's "helper", especially my SO's...who taught you this stuff anyway??  Sheesh...

[StPaulieGirl]

More like read, shake my head, and die laughing.  You just made me wake the cat up!

The truth is that you cannot bear to so much as type the word mother, or it's variations.  Helper?  That's a job description, not what a child calls his/her step parent.  I don't have a problem with this, but someone else does, and I offered that person a possible solution to the problem.  You chimed in with some nonsense about a 5 yr old kid making the rules.

I don't constantly need to get in the last word.  However, if someone is going to post the kind of bs that you do, I'm not going to sit there and ignore it, just for the sake of your comfort level.

It is easy to determine how you provoked your ex into DV.

Good move, Davy.  While you're at it why not ask the men on this board what they did to their wives to deserve being abused?  You have got to be the poster child for the radical feminist movement.  You make Archie Bunker look like Dr. Phil with your undisguised hatred for the female half of the population.  Shall I call my daughters up and ask them what they did to their father to make him hit them, call them names, and kick their door and walls in?  Since the cat is awake, maybe I should discuss why the ex felt the need to kick him and the dog.  Angus had to have provoked him into doing it, right?  You're an asshole.  

I'm right here taking care of my kids, and wading through probate papers, and calling doctors and teachers for the kids.  I don't go to parties or bar hopping.  I'm right here with them, the washing machine, and the stove.   Exactly where a female should be, right? Maybe I should wear a burkha and paint the windows over too.  Maybe you should move the hell to the Middle East where the men are men and the goats are nervous.

[sweetnsad]

.

[kiddosmom]

:(

[kiddosmom]

'Daddy's helper' is a term that has always been for a child who helps his/her father.
Not a legalized WIFE.
If the child wants to call the stepmother - mom- then let him, you can explain in whispers to others that technically you are his step. as he grows if he wants to call the step by another name then encourage it, my sd is almost 2, she calls me mom. I do not punish her in this, and as she grows she can decide what she wants to call me, I tell her ' you get to go see your mommmy today' ect.. she will grow to understand the difference.

[Peanutsdad]

You BAD little MONKEY!! did you get out of your cage again??

Sigh,, been spittin your meds into the toilet again I see.

[MYSONSDAD]

I really don't want to get in the middle of this. I have been on the boards for about a year and a half. Whenever I have posted a problem, I get sincere, helpful suggestions. This is what we all need to get thru this hell we face daily.

There are good days and there are bad. We each live them the best we can and we come here because it is a place where we all understand. The stress can sometimes be unbelievable.

Everyone has a different opinion and different suggestions to the folks that come and post. So many great ideas, it is mind boggling! I have learned more here then from my attorney. Now that I have been around, it's great to be able to contribute.

The point is, we are here to help eachother and in turn it helps our kids.
We all have the same goals. The same dreams. We can accomplish more with a group effort then an attack.

So, in closing, I wish to Thank each and every one who has helped me along the way. May God Bless all of us...

[Leafypoint]

Well...now that all that is out of the way, I'll share my experience being a step-mother.
I married my husband three years ago, and it took two years for my step-son to even mumble the words "step-mom". I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that, given the situation, he thought that if he called me "mom" in any fashion that I would replace his mother. From my perspective, that wasn't the case at all, so I didn't push it. I was "Michele"  to him and "his Dad's wife" to anyone who inquired, and that was fine with me and I believe that it reassurred him that I wasn't there to replace his mother.
See, when you're four (which my step-son was when I came into his life) or five and you're thrust in the middle of their divorce, calling anyone "mom", no matter if there's a "step" in front of it or a name behind it is probably threatening, and to push the issue on him right now might be more of a detriment to your relationship later on down the line. Let him start to trust the situation he's in, and to trust the relationship between you two. Give him your reassurance that you aren't there to replace his "real" mom.
I can guarentee you that he's not asking you to do this because he hates you, or is trying some kind of emotional blackmail. He's just letting you know that he's uncertain about the relationship between his mother and himself, and he wants to make sure that she stays an important figure in his life. He's already lost a lot of time with her, and he's probably scared that he's going to lose her entirely. You have to remember that your step-son is in an entirely new, scary, confusing situation. He doesn't understand why his mother isn't living with him all the time any longer, or why he isn't seeing his dad the way he did before.
Once he realizes that you aren't there to REPLACE his mother, but you're there to provide ADDITIONAL emotional, mental and physical support, he'll trust your position in his life, and might be able to come to accept the fact that he has a "bonus" mom ;)
Believe me, it's worth the wait. It took two long years, but to hear my step-son voluntarily call me his step-mom when people ask is pretty special to me.

[FLMom]

I'm a NCP currently in court seeking CP.

Here's how this got dealt with in our "family".

One errant Saturday morning I had to work a few hours. My
then boyfriend, now husband, took the kids out to a breakfast
bar. "Bob" was helping my son fix his plate----making sure there
were eggs and fruit included instead of all French toast sticks.
I'm sure you know how it is.

An older gentleman was watching this going on, and with a smile
said, "Isn't this nice---going to a nice breakfast with your father."
My son whipped his head around, obviously in retrospect looking
for his father. He then realized what the man meant, and said,
"OH! Him? That's just Bob."

So he's been "just Bob" going on three years now. Not Dad, not
step-dad, just "Bob". Even "Just Bob" somtimes.

Sometimes it takes a child to show the grownups the way.


FLMom