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Author Topic: What do I say  (Read 7834 times)

Nowastepmom

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What do I say
« on: Feb 13, 2004, 08:54:05 PM »
SS 5 and I were talking about me being called step mom and he asked me to tell people that call me his step mom that I am not.  This hurt my feelings.  Dh has joint primary custody and ss is here more than at bm's house as well as I spend a great deal of time with him.  I didn't know what to say, I mean I do not want ss to be uncomfortable but how would I tell people this?  I actually do not want to tell people this either.  I mean, I married his father, but I am his step mom.  
NASM


MissManners

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RE: What do I say
« Reply #1 on: Feb 14, 2004, 09:57:21 PM »
You tenderly reassure him that you love him as though he were your own, but that it would not be right to tell people that you are not his step mom because that would be lieing and lieing is wrong. Tell him that you understand how he feels but that you want to set a good example for him in honesty.

My step daughter introduces me all the time as, "This is my mom." I don't correct her in public because that might embarrass her like a public scolding. But she has lived with me and her dad for the last 8 years and doesn't see her BM that often. So to her, I am her everyday "mom" but she also knows who her biological mother really is. She calls her "mom" as well. She and I are very comfortable with that, though her mother is not. But that is her mother's problem, not ours.

Perhaps you and he could think of a better term that he is more confortable with! Something that will make it special for just the two of you!  Something to the effect of "Yes, I am William's Bonus Mom!" But to say, "I am not William's step mom, I'm his mother," would be a lie and would set an example that lieing is ok.


MixedBag

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RE: What do I say
« Reply #2 on: Feb 16, 2004, 04:27:17 PM »
You find a happy balance....

I introduce myself as the step-mom and then go right on and give a short quick explanation and let it go.  Don't say anything negative in the explanation, just do it and move on.  People want to know the truth and don't like it when they find out later that you are the Step-mom and not the REAL mom because then you've "lied" to them.  

You're right -- you should tell people the truth and if only the SM in my situation would do that it would alleviate so many problems that have happened in the past.  You wouldn't believe the number of times people are angry with "her" because they've been lied to -- or actually misled would be the right way to put it.

On a scale of importance, people care that they've been told the truth.

As for your child -- tell him you ARE the step-mom and that there's nothing wrong with that and that you'll take his request as a compliment.  Tell him that people also deserve to know that he has a real mom and a step-mom.

MissManners

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RE: What do I say
« Reply #3 on: Feb 18, 2004, 05:10:01 PM »
>.....
>People want to know the truth and don't like it when they find
>out later that you are the Step-mom and not the REAL mom
>because then you've "lied" to them.  
>
>
>On a scale of importance, people care that they've been told
>the truth.
>
 Tell him that people also deserve to
>know that he has a real mom and a step-mom.
>
Given your logic and reason that  "people care that they've been told the truth,"  don't you think perhaps you should change your signature to (and one STEP-grandbaby girl) from it's present statement.  After all "people also deserve to know" that she has a REAL grandmother and a STEP grandmother.

Davy

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The son is important ..not you
« Reply #4 on: Feb 18, 2004, 08:01:09 PM »
Ya'll are STEPPIN all overselfs.

The lad is the Master and if he is offended for whatever reason then please respect his wishes.  He is the ONLY one that matters.  Other people really do not matter and neither do your 'adult' feelings.  

When questioned it might be best to respond with the real truth by saying "I am his daddy's helper" and, if necessary, "his mommy is nearby".   Wouldn't that be pleasing to everybody ?  Perhaps if you   throw off all the societal labels you MAY get over yourself long enough  to have an opportunity to cultivate a real relationship.  Otherwise he may be labeling you with the "B"  word by the time he is 7 or 10 or 15 or ..


StPaulieGirl

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RE: What do I say
« Reply #5 on: Feb 19, 2004, 12:58:55 AM »
The truth is the most important thing, not only for "other people", but also for the child.  It's never too early to teach a child that telling the truth is the right thing.  

Maybe the boy could say this is my mama(insert first name)?  

StPaulieGirl

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you really need to start charcoal filtering that moonshine...
« Reply #6 on: Feb 19, 2004, 01:08:23 AM »
The "lad" is 5 yrs old!  He isn't the master of anything, except perhaps putting his Legos away.   A child needs to know that it is very important to tell the truth.  Adults teach this to children, and reinforce it with their own actions.  Her "feelings" are valid ones, as she cares enough about this child to set a good example.  

"I am daddy's helper"?  She is his daddy's WIFE!  Dude, why don't you get over YOURSELF for once.  


Davy

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RE: What do I say
« Reply #7 on: Feb 19, 2004, 03:14:46 PM »
"Maybe the boy could say this is my mama(insert first name)? "

Clearly, saying 'my mama' is a bold face lie.... not the truth.


Davy

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RE: the son is important .... not SPG
« Reply #8 on: Feb 19, 2004, 03:42:38 PM »
Saying "I am daddy's helper" is a very pausible non-threatening explanation for a sensitive 5 year old.  It should/would be the TRUTH, set a good example,  teach and reinforce with actions all at the same time.   In my opinion, that statement would be considered uplifting for all concerned irregardless of the relationship.

For sake of clarification, a husband is a "helper" to a wife just like a wife is a "helper" to a husband.

Let me remind you that this is a Parenting board at SPARC ... you're not blitzing with a bunch of single psycho bitches.  

 

StPaulieGirl

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All children are important
« Reply #9 on: Feb 19, 2004, 05:07:01 PM »
So teaching moral lessons to children is important.  She is this boy's step mother.  She is married to this child's father.  Just because he spends more time with the step mother does not magically turn her into "mommy".  She is right to feel uncomfortable about this situation. Daddy's helper is his legal spouse.  Isn't it better that they're married instead of shacking up?

Davy, let me put it another way.  Say I get remarried and my 9 yr old wants to call her stepfather "daddy".  According to you, small children rule the roost, so that should be ok.  Not to me it isn't.  She has a father, for better or worse.

Davy, considering that you probably have every single female parent message board bookmarked, you should know I don't go there.

 

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