We're getting along great, how do we keep the state out of it? Connecticut

[Solkanar]

I'm in a fairly unusual situation it sounds like after reading some posts. I am expecting a baby girl any day now, due date is 10-19-05. I am not married and do not live with the mother but we have a very good relationship. I do hope to end up with her but don't want to jump into anything only because of the baby. My problem is this, she works at a bar and was forced to take materinity leave from her job, she is getting only $75 a week from unemployment since most of her tips were off the books like in any waitress\bartender type job. She is not going back there and will look for other work to start  6 weeks after delivery. She signed up for all the state aid she could find in CT, cash assistance, WIC, and health care that I know of. I've been helping in small amounts for the moment but I am not supporting her.

When the baby is born, she was worried she would have to go back to work within 2 weeks, so I offered to pay her rent for the month of november. I also am pretty good with cars and have 2 myself. I told her I'd sell her car (she owes $5500 on a car worth about $6500, payments are about $250 a month) and she could borrow mine, and I would take whats left and put it towards buying her a new car. I'd pay the rest so she would have no car payment. (I can afford and am expecting to spend about $4000 on a car for her) I will be shopping with her regularly for food and baby items and have heard I should give her all this money with checks and let her buy the items at the store with the money after she cashes them. (the car I was going to write her a check for the amount, have her cash it and give it back to me so I have a record just in case we don't get along sometime down the road)

My problem is this, if I sign the birth certificate, I'm hearing that the state will come after me and force me to pay back money to the cash assistance program. She has been on it for 8 weeks or so and plans on being on it for another 6 weeks after she's born. (The mother is planning on getting a job after 6 weeks and she is not lazy, I believe she will) I have gotten conflicting information from friends and co-workers and don't know what to believe.

Where can I find out what the state will try to do or try to recover. Paying her a set amount per week will not help her enough in the beginning, I am in a position to help her with a months rent, and a car, but I'm afraid to be screwed by the state.

I am seriously considering not signing the birth certificate and pretending she doesn't know who the father is as far as the state is concerned. I figure we can change her legal last name later on. I really don't want to do that but my states child support programs are built around the concept that all fathers that aren't married or living with the mother are scumbag deadbeats.

Does anyone know what I'm responsible for before the baby is born. Does anyone know how much if any of the hospital bills I'll be responsible for. My insurance doesn't cover it unless we're married or the child will live with me (lying about the childs residence is also an option)
Does anyone know how to keep the state out of it while still recieving some aid that she needs.

It isn't my fault that she's out of work, her job screwed her and she hopes to go after them for it, but it's sounding like the state will come after me.

Should I pretend not to be the father until she's on her feet supporting herself and gets off the states programs? I'm very afraid of the state sucking me dry and not allowing me to support my child and her mother in the way we both see fit.

Please answer these questions assuming I have full cooperation from the mother.

Thank you for taking the time, this will be my first child, and I'm trying my best to be excited but I'm scared of everything, including this.

[KAT]

Sign or don't sign the state is going to come after you to pay back the money which will also include the birth expenses. So yup, you can pretty much count on them sucking you dry.  You are going to be thousands of dollars in arrears right from the start including compounded interest. This will also go on your credit report. The state will be awarded their money back to the date of filing so if you stall going to court it's just sitting there adding up. Don't give her any more money as it will be considered a *gift*. The state is involved now so it doesn't matter how much cooperation you have with her it's out of your hands. I can only guess that the birth expenses you'll be responsible for will be in the area of 3-4k for a normal birth. That's IF your state doesn't make you contribute to HER care as well.
Visit your states child support website. There should be a calculator available to show approximately what your responsiblity will be. Don't forget to request you be awarded the tax deduction yearly (this can add up!).
INSIST ON DNA TESTING I don't care how much you are convinced you are the father!!! Thirty percent come back NOT THE DADDY. You don't want to pay for years then find out otherwise.
KAT

[reagantrooper]

One sure way to keep the state out of it is to "keep the state out of it" IE: dont take the welfare, dont "pretend" to not be the dady, take care of yours.

Its great that you and Mom are all good for now I hope it stays that way.

However to protect you and your child rights you need to assume that it wont always be nicey nicey. Step up NOW claim your child and support her.

Document EVERYTHING. May not seem like it now, but chances are that you WILL end up in court fighting the Mom over Parenting time and of course MONEY.

GOOD LUCK!!

[jilly]

"I am not married and do not live with the mother but we have a very good relationship. I do hope to end up with her but don't want to jump into anything only because of the baby."


Bless your heart...the noose is already around your neck and you don't even know it.  You're all in now whether you want to me or not honey.  Once you have a child with somebody you're pretty much stuck with them.

[sherrie ohio]

My husband had to pay all the hospital bill,DNA testing cost and pay back support from the day the state filled for it all in court.They said all the money he had given her before was "gifts".As for her telling she doesnt know who the father is,they will make her start nameing off names of possible fathers till they come up with daddy.And every man she names off will have to be tested.(Hubby was one of meny)And i dont mean to be a kill joy,but you realy should get a parenting plan put down on paper and filed in court.Because most of the time these situations go down hill fast.Hubby had a child with and ex-girlfriend and she ran the show without a parenting plan/visitation shedule.H*** she still running the show.And when you put a plan on paper think what youll like to have in a few years too.And maybe you should think a little harder about what her friends are saying.If their people she hangs with alot there may be something to it.Just keep that in mind.     Good luck!!  P.S they will consider the car a gift!!!!!

[Solkanar]

This is all so dismal sounding, where is the justice?....... it's like they want my only two choices to be killing myself or hiding out in some other country. Whose bright idea was it for any money or a car that I give her to be a gift, even when we both agree that it's child support, even if I write her a check, have her cash it and give me the money back so I have a record? I'd love to meet the people that chose to ruin lives this way, the guys that want to try to do the right thing, but are forced not to. After reading these replies, I'm even thinking about quitting my job and trying to get something for less money under the table. Why is it like this? Very frustrating.

[wambugha]

Take heart

I am in a similar predicament.

I am on welfare. i am a mother of three children. My husband and i have separated. I don't want child support. I don't want 'his' money.

Yeah! believe it or not. So far no one seems to want to believe it!

My rational is simple. I am a feminist. i like men but i don't view them as meal tickets. my kids are not 'mistakes'. i take pirde in taking responsibility for then as an adult!

Women are adults! No man babysits me or 'pays' my bills.

My husband and i were fighting but now we are getting along. I hate lawyers the legal system. i think they are full of crap and enforce rulings that keep women subjugated 'that's what i think child support payments do to women's psyche in the long run' and provide no incentives for men to take responsibility for their children.

And i think that's effed-up! There is no justice in the legal system, yet that's what it should be about.

The welfare people want to force me to ask for 'child support' and compel my ex-partner to pay.

As far as i'm concerned the most important contributions men make to their kids are not financial. women too. the people i've met up with in court and at welfare don't see it this way.

it's so frustrating and unbelievable. i felt such empathy with the guywho wrote the email i'm replying too.

well, i believe in the power of one. i'm going to fight all these naysayers.

the first thing is my ex and i are mediating this situation ourselves. this has been nothing short of miraculous but our kids are worth it. and so are we.

i am going to fight tooth and nail to see all his cash stays in his pocket. this is not misguided to my part, he has always taken pride in providing financially for his kids.

i will continue in getting financially independant in my own right.

No cynical law or lawyer or welfare worker is going to determine the way I choose to live!

just because i on welfare doesn't mean i don't have the same right to be treated with the same amount of dignity as everybody else. the 'system' may not know it, BUT I do! and amen to that...

fight the good fight...all the good we have in the world is because somenone somewhere cHOOSE  to fight!

have a good, no a great one, and don't give up hope!!!
Give 'em hell instead!! hehehe
smile

[wambugha]

hi

my first reply was to your second message.

as far as your first one goes... go for joint custody...this is what i'm doing...

we are going to family court next week.

the best case scenario...

we ask for joint custody. the kids will stay in the same place they have been (my apartment) but Dad will have extremely easy access to them.

they are 5, 3 and 19 months.

he has a car i don't.

so he'll pick them up and drop them off each day.

we can have dinner together with the kids and pt them to bed and then he leaves for his place and his life.

our kids are young, we don't have any help. we are rallying together.
 he will spends his money on the kids and i do with mine.

you and you baby's mother seem to have worked out your own similar solution that will work for you two.

i think that's fantastic, that's pro-active and responsible. That's great parenting.


we will present OUR parenting plan to the judge, get it seen by our lawyers and that will be that.

i feel empowered, 'cause will present our solution for our children on our problem as a joint unit. lawyers, judges and syatems--welfare included--only have weight when people arectheir own worst enemies.

you seem to be an incredible individual.

iam and this will all work out . i will not have it any other way!

[wambugha]

I read the other emails and they are dismal needed and this is what i think about the sentiments expressed in them

The mother should most definately APPLY FOR WELFARE AND STAY ON WELFARE FOR AS LONG AS SHE NEEDS AND/OR WANTS!

I am on welfare and I am very proud to be one welfare.

I have money--no matter how little!-- stability and help.

She deserves no less, the baby too.


Giving birth is no walk in the park, and she should have as few worries as possible. Neither is taking care of a newborn infant.


As far as paternity goes that's your personal business. You don't seem bothered about it i don't see why anybody else is.

It sounds like a case of 'someone crying more than the bereaved'. Ridiculous!


Whether the two of you will 'fight' in the future over 'stuff'.

This is something totally within your control and discretion. you strike me as a very focused, ambitious, responsible individual as does the mother of your child. i'm not afraid of that happening.


two parents fighting IS A CHOICE. we used to, we don't now. we chose to, we now CHOOSE not to. we will and do give our children the gift of peace and stability. it is not a favour, IT IS THEIR RIGHT. much more important than child support payments if you ask me!!!


Let the naysayers, naysay!! Do what you need to Sir! It'll all come out alright!

[reagantrooper]

Wanbug cant be for real!

[Solkanar]

Thank you for your postings. My name is David, I'm 27, not rich, not poor, just an average guy whos trying to be excited about having my first child.

My question to you then is not about the support, but with the father of your children working and with you agreeing about child support, how much of the welfare are they trying to recoup from him? I think she and I could come up with an amicable child support arrangement, however my concern is them coming after me for the state programs shes on right now. It's not my fault that she's not working, yet she was forced to go onto state aid, and my understanding is the state says, thats now my responsibility...... and she's not even born yet. How hard has your state come down on your ex husband? Are they sucking him dry?

[sherrie ohio]

Were is it right that my husband has to pay half of his income every month for their daughter to and ex thats never worked in her life!And has always lived off welfare and child support from meny fathers.Yes it is right that he pays support,but were is it written that the mothers get to sit on their a** the rest of their lives because the had a child?His ex doesnt work and neither does husband number three.My husband and the other fathers,along with the state of ohio support these people and the children.All are of school age,so there isnt a reason for not haveing a job!They bring in more income sitting at home every month collecting this money,then we do with him haveing a full time job and me now part time.He is kept from info to do with health,school and everything else under the sun.Her concern is the money!!The guy that posted asked for advise and what others had happen to them.You have no right to be nasty toward our post!Were is it written that you get to sit at home while everyone else works?This guys girlfriend is haveing a baby,a reason not to work right now,thats a given.Why arent you????

[sherrie ohio]

This is sherrie's hubby and I have to say I am totally pi**ed off about your statement regarding your being proud to be on welfare!You should be ashamed, you should be embarassed!How can you wake up with yourself every morning knowing that you are nothing but a mooch living off of everyone else! If your childs father wont go out and get some type of job to support his little one then maybe you should have thought a little harder before making the choices that led to his/her conception.Ultimately the ones that suffer from adult stupidity are the children which is what this all about right?What about setting a high moral standard or at least a good example for the child to learn from....Maybe I just behind the times these days.....I am a father, a proud father, proud that I can go to my grave saying that I worked hard and supported my family with my own two hands with no help from uncle sam!TruckinDadohio

[Solkanar]

wambugha, as polite and nice as your response was to me, I have to admit that I agree with the others who are criticizing you. I know that my state is going to treat me like a deadbeat and suck me as dry as they can, because so many people stay on welfare for as long as possible and the states goal is to prevent people from getting on, and staying on, and if they do stay on, make someone pay for it if they can find someone because the government needs all the extra money to pay for corruption.

Unfortunately they go about things all wrong and fail miserable and thats because competence and intelligence are nowhere to be found on the qualifications list to be an employee of the state of CT.

In my opinion, not all couples who are not married should be treated as if they will soon hate each other and are going to fight it out, so why not make them fight it out in the beginning and get it over with in favor of the mother. It's just so wrong!

The laws regarding this system should have been made by people with experience with things like this.... and they obviously weren't.

[sherrie ohio]

I was trying to relate my husbands history with dealing with child support  in my post.To give you some idea of what to expect.Your girlfriend may not turn out like hubbys ex.But they(state) do ask for names of possible fathers till they fine the father.They will go on your income to figure out how much to take each week.And they(state) dont care if you have enufe to live on,just as long as their getting money from you.They will let you pay payments on the hospital/DNA testing,but will determine what amount of payment.I hope that your girlfriend and you truely do work things out.And get along for your childs sake.The child support system is unfair.Ive seen case's of it on both side's.And i was trying to prepare you for what lay ahead.My husabnd works very hard and they take a good chunk of his pay every week,to the point we live pay check to pay check.Hopeing nothing comes up that will take more money.While his ex draws in more money a month than we do.We have a child together and it gets hard,our child needs things to but has to do without alot because through the state their allowed to take 50% of his income for the first child.I agree that my husband should pay support,but why is it that his ex doesnt have to help support their child?I dont agree with the idea just because you had a child you get to live off the state/father for the next 18 years,and never work.You have the child together,you should support it together.I understand your girlfriend cant work now,and she needs to be able to rest and take care of herself and the baby.But the lady that posted stated no reason she couldnt work.I hope everything turns out well for all,most of all your child