Messages

It's not  criminalizing adultery... it's criminalizing fraud, which has already been done - and it punishes the truly innocent person every single time - the father, in the name of "the best interests of the children."

If there is even a question, the mother should speak up, because out there - there exists a father (or potential father) who will never know he has a child out there... a child who will never know what could be CRITICAL health information about his family background... and in the meantime - the only one punished is the innocent father.

There is no excuse you could come up with that will change my position on the matter.  In fact, if you want to reduce infidelity and eliminate paternity fraud - DNA testing should be mandatory at birth.

Anything less is giving carte blanche to the mother to do whatever she wants and suffer no consequences for her actions, not to mention rob another parent of his right to be so.

Mothers have rights AND responsibilities.  Arguing that she shouldn't have the responsibility to own up to such a serious issue (intentional or "mistaken") is negligent thinking.

[Post-Divorce/Relationship Communications - Low-Contact Principles]

Be sure you know everything about your child's daily routine when with you... and as best you can when not.  If in pre-school, know the teacher and stay in regular contact... babysitters... pediatrician... favorite things to do... get to know your child in as much detail as you never thought possible, even if you were still together.  Favorite bath toys, wake times, bed times, everything.

Start thinking about the parenting plan you want and will be able to manage and begin putting it together with as much detail as possible.  And never let anyone tell you that the child is too young to having meaningful time, up to and including 50/50 shared parenting.

And if your situation is going to be high-conflict, learn about low-contact and start living it.  Avoid every confrontation as best you can.  No face-to-face or phone discussions about important matters pertaining to the child - everything via email and other written format.

Post-Divorce/Relationship Communications - Low-Contact Principles (http://www.mrcustodycoach.com/blog/low-contact)

Don't settle!  Settling means NO chance of having a bad ruling overturned on appeal.

There are no provable grounds by which the judge should be making a change in the custodial arrangement.  Your attorney is giving you bad advice.

Whats next?? i just got a letter from my payroll department and they're taking away $854 a month on my paycheck for the temporary child support..that is so rediculous..she hasnt even seen the kids or took care of them..I still have them from day one she took off 4 yrs ago...i have a mediation on nov 20th and trial on dec 11th, can the judge order to return all the money that she recieved coz she didnt take care of the kids..this is my and the kids rent money...im so lost with this..pls help!!!

It's not the fault of your payroll department, it's the fault of whoever issued the order.

If you currently have custody of the children, under no circumstances should you be paying child support to the mother.

Do you have an attorney?

Given the circumstances you describe, you ask for the whole ball of wax (sole physical custody) with detailed provisions for generous time to mother.  You can even go as far as to provide for regular revisits to review the custody arrangement based upon significant, positive changes in circumstances for mom.

Don't go in asking for less than what you have now.  That would be a tremendous mistake under the circumstances.

[Appropriate Communication in a High-Conflict Divorce & Custody Situation]

You talk to her too much and need, critically, to learn the benefits of low contact:

Appropriate Communication in a High-Conflict Divorce & Custody Situation (http://lost)

Also, in a high-conflict situation, you should avoid deviating from the custody schedule at almost any costs, absent an emergency.  Too often, "doing the right thing" blows right up in your face and turns out exactly as detailed in the original post.

And NEVER pay her for anything court-ordered by anything other than a check with the purpose written into the memo section "PAYMENT FOR BASEBALL ACTIVITIES."

She wants you to pay by money order so there is no paper-trail and then come back to you over and over for the same money, and when you don't comply - she'll litigate and you'll have no proof of payment.

I am aware at the scary prevalence of paternity fraud.  What I called "rare" was the dad who is willing to just raise a child knowing that the child is not his and born of an illicit affair between his wife and another man.

Also, probably a debate for another thread - I am of the firm belief that not only should a man be permitted to get out of his financial obligations for a child that is not his - he should be able to do it without a time limitation.  Further, I believe he should be able to seek reimbursement for all child support paid as a result of the CRIME OF FRAUD that has been perpetrated upon both him and the child.

The alleged financial best interests of any child should not trump the rights of any other human being, particularly one who is in the spot he's in as a result of a crime.

Money doesn't save the irreparable harm done to the psyche of the individual upon whom the fraud is committed, but invariably damages the relationship between the (non)parent and child anyway.  Pretending that doesn't occur while saying "Oh well, he should pay anyway because someone should pay for the child" is digusting and disgraceful.

The person who should pay is the person that fathered the child - and the fact that this situation would occur is solely the fault of the mother.

If she files for contempt, you need to attempt to argue that the method of travel for the child should not be imposed as "flights" unless pick-up/drop-off times are missed or the child is put in an imminently dangerous situation.

And never, ever let such open-ended clauses find their way into the orders.

Show up at your attorney's office and stay there until you get a meeting.

It is critical, in the face of your innocence, that your parental rights are restored to what they were, lest the family court decide to change things just because they can.

I don't agree with "wait the system moves slowly."  This isn't about the system, it's about your unresponsive attorney.

Squeaky wheel... meet the grease.

Consider filing the motion yourself, with emergent status, and perhaps add to it a contempt-of-court charge for the false allegations.

Very sorry for your outcome.