Educational placemet

[backwardsbike]

I am a NCM.  I have joint legal and shared physical custody.  Son is subject of an IEP.  He entered 9th grade last year.  It was a rough year.  He got mostly A's in English class but it was due to Acclerated Reading ( basically book reports) when these scores where not figured in he was only getting 60 -65%.  He failed his midterm and his final.  He also had difficulty with Math.

Father has not accepted son's need for an IEP.  He still thinks I have paid the four professioanls who say he needed one.  The year before last father had him evaluated and that Educational Psychologist said son did not need IEP.  I refused to drop it and some members of the IEP team supported me.  WE settled for Academic monitoring.  That means we get progress reports every three weeks from all teachers.  Son was failing Algebra and father claimed not to be aware of it inspite of the reports.

Now this year, son was to have Academic science and math but Applied English.  Father, without consulting me places son in Academic English.  I am concerned son will fall behind.  Father does not agree to any learning support classes for son  and only allowed after school tutoring because son was failing and math teacher would only allow him to retake tests if he attended the tutoring.  I expect son to have some difficulty this year.

The school (guidance counsleor and principal) support the All academic track.  They apparently worked with the father to arrange all this without notifiying me until it had all been accomplished.  The guidance counselor's excuse was that the action was initaited by my son's own written request.  So if he says he wants a beer are we gonna give him a six pack?

I have emailed the guidance counselor and let her know that I have always been involved with son's education ( this is a different counsleor than last year) and that I had concerns about the appropriatness of son's placement.  I got an email back which basically said she cleared this request, which was my son's own, with the principal and father and basically left me under the impression I should just shut up and go away.  She states that according to his achievement test scores he should do fine.  But what about the failed Mid term AND failed Final!

Does anyone have any suggestions for me on this?  X is very mainpulative and hates to have me involved with the schools ( I have an education degree) he feels that I take control in meetings.  He feels I should just pay my support and go away which is not what I want to do.  Every year it takes me til November to build any credibity with the school personnel ( X tells them the court gave him custody due to a "poor environment" at my house which is totally untrue).  Then the next year I have to start all over agian with new staff.  In the mean time my son gets into academic difficulty and I rush in in January and save the day with a suggestion or the school brow beats X into doing something to help son.

I am frustrated. I am worried for my son and am absoluetly sick to death of being denied a chance to participate in decisions affecting my children's education.

[4honor]

Knowing that this is the pattern, why do you not provide tutoring at the beginning of the year?  Why let it get to a crisis situation before jumping in to save the day? Is it financial?

I do not mean this to be a judgemental question, but a bona fide curiousity. If there is a known problem and it is a recurring pattern what is preventing you from nipping this in the bud early? You obviously can't help your ex's actions (the NCP's here can attest to that fact) but what other options do you have to this matter? Is it possible to get letters from last year's teachers to help the transition with the new ones?

[hagatha]

Back,

According to the school your son asked for this schedule. Since this is high school I would assume he is about 15 or 16? I think it's time you let him face the consequenses of his actions. It doesn't matter if his dad talked him into this either, he is old enough to realize the problems he had last year and understand he might face the same difficulties this year. Don't rescue him this time. Make him (and dad) figure this out. If he has to go to summer school or repeat the grade maybe he will understand what you have been trying to do

The Witch


Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[MixedBag]

I can answer that....

She may have joint legal and physical custody of her children, but Dad seems to have the final say in decisions regarding the children.

BWB disagrees with Dad's decisions (and the school is following Dad's decision).

Dad does not agree that it's a problem.  Son only comes over EOW if she's lucky, she doesn't have 50/50 placement.  She's also dealing with PAS.

[backwardsbike]

I see my son only EOW.  I also cannot afford to pay for tutoring out of my pocket.  I can tutor him, but only if I know exactly what is being taught.  CP does not allow school books to come to my house!

The IEP is in place, but CP will not allow anything called "special Ed" so any learning support help as in study halls is out of the question.  Cp threatens everyone and people automatically giv ehim exactly what he wnts.  No one bucks him.  I want the IEP and special help for my son.  he doesn't and he has custody so the schools tend to side with him.

[backwardsbike]

Excellent suggestion and possibley my only option at this point.  I just hate to see this kid thrown tot he wolves because eh has talent.  he just needs a little special help.  he does well with one on one,but no one in the Cp's home is able or willing to do that for him.  if he had it I doubt that he'd need specail ed in the first palce!

I am going to court the ned of the month for a  custody modification based on substantial change in circumstance. the change being faling grades and Cp's apparent cavaleir attitude about it.  I guess the judge will decide for us... like everyother decison that has had to be made for these kids.  Dad just refuses to discuss anything with me.

[dipper]

Just wanted to say that this statement:

"I am frustrated. I am worried for my son and am absoluetly sick to death of being denied a chance to participate in decisions affecting my children's education."

So many NCPs feel this way.  Its like a control/vengeance issue.  My dh is kept out of every decision - the bm makes all decisions.  He has no input, only paychecks to give......

Hang in there, many people know exactly how you feel, just keep working with the school and talking with the teachers.  Be willing to listen to the professionals and dont make it a battle between you and the ex - where the child's interests really get lost.  Not saying you are - I dont believe so, but it does happen at times.  Just keep working at what you feel is best for your child.  You have a right to be part of this, let your voice be heard...

[wysiwyg]

I agree with this but also want to add a few more statements while they are on top of my brain:

1.  schools side with dad (or CP) as most schools do, they assume too darn much if you ask me and should not take sides but they do bacause they believe it is the path of least resistance, I always ask them when they say they can not give us something  I politely ask do you have a court order taht prevents us from getting that information?  It makes for a good argument.

2.  If the child stated he did not want an IEP or he wanted reguler ed, I do not believe this for a sec, the child has to be 18 in order to make adult decisions so I as a parent would be pretty PO'd if they used this lame excuse to get out of doing their job which is to educate the kids to the best of their ability.  

3.  If I am correct you can ask for a psych eval and the school has 90 days to complete that and write a report.  (Each state might be diff not sure if thisis state or fed ruling but you can find that on the DOE site for your state).

4.  Their is nothing wrong with an IEP, perhaps the child needs regular ed with something stated in the IEP like "must demonstrate that the child understand and is capapbl;e of the material"  - second set of books at home to study, extra time for test taking, all kids of things can be done to get him to where he needs to be, and perhaps slowly mainsttreaming would be good.

Our daughter was in Sp ed for math for several years while she played catch up, she went to summer school every summer of her HS career, passed the state wide testing and even decided on a college type of diploma which meant she had to earn 3 extra credits.  She got a 40K college fund through the army and is now a sgt and does online learning.  

Just a few thoughts for you to think on, hope some of this hleps you to see other options.....

[breezy]

I am new to this forum. But not to blended family issues. I have been actively involved with my Partner for the last 5 years. I have assisted him in his battles. We have gone from 2 weekends a month to 50/50 with all kinds of petty but important orders drawn up and ordered.

We have recieved rights with Dr.s, School staff, Teachers ect. written into our CO's. The best intrest of the children has always been our mission and today we continue to be a work in progress. More so now we are able to focus on the KIDS rights vs. ours as most of ours have been settled in writting. (YEAH!)

I am VERY curious as to why if you have joint legal and joint physical you don't just take a copy to the school and demand to be involved.

Unless in the CO it states father has last rights to decision making YOU have every right to get and be involved. Let him take you to court to contest the decisions you are making! (then see who looks foolish)

Also have you talked to your son to see (if) why he chose the course of study he did. How does your son feel about help? Is there a possibility that he is being ridiculed for his special ed classes by other kids? That could contribute to HIS feelings about IEP. Being a TEEN is tough.

Also ask the teachers to email you progress reports weekly and inform you of the course of study.

Then you could see if the school will issue you another set of books and you can review or help your son as needed.

Also if you have weekends. Do they include Fri? Is it possible to pick him up at school Fri. afternoon? If so you could then meet with his teachers and your son on those days!

The single biggest thing we have been able to do is volunteer at the kids school. It has made a world of differance in their grades and our relationships with the staff. *IF* you have a day you can commit to volunteering, try it :)

My thoughts are with you and the battles you have to fight!!

[backwardsbike]

Its just that I have to start over again every year with new staff.  This year it's all new teachers and a new guidance counselor.  we have the same special ed teacher but she is so scared of the X that she won't ever meet with us without the director of the special ed dept there!

It will take me til Novemeber til there people believe me.  Then next year it will be the same routien all over again.  I actually had a principal say to me, " You mean they let children live with YOU!"  The woman had never met me before and had never even spoken to me on the phone.  Her info had to have come from the X.  It should be criminal to undermine the other parent like that.

[backwardsbike]

I was always in my son's school in the past.  But now tis is high school.  There just isn't that opportunity and he is in Vo-Tech all morning anyways.

The school has three copies of the court order.  All say I have joint legal.  They either are incapable of understanding what that means or they are so afraid of the X that they don't care.  X threatens to sue everybody and for some reason unbeknown to me, they actually believe he can do it even when it is plain to see there are no grounds.  I had to pay for our family counselor  to have a session with my attorney when X threatened her with a malpractice suit.  She was gonna dump us as clients!  She didn't want to take the chance of being sued!

I am convinced no one really cares about what is best for my son.  They just want to do whatever they can to get the X to shut up.  I mean why would you put a child in Academic English if he failed his midterm AND final the year before and say some ridiculous stuff about how he has such high achievement scores.  He sure didn't achieve on that midterm and final did he?

I am so sorry.  I am so angry because my son's needs are so far down the totem pole that they are mostly lost in all this.  And yes, son ir ridiculed for being in the special ed classes...by his Step Mother.  the discrimination comes from within his home-not from outside it.  No child should ever have to live with that.  the world can be cruel.  Your home should be your haven and not just the home you only get to visit every other weekend!

[breezy]

I feel your frustration.
YOU have your sons best interest at heart. Please don't give up.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I am at a loss at to what else you could do.

We have had so much success with having the CO on file. We did have a few bumps in the road and always took the Principal aside to discuss. They are now fine. In fact it is kinda hard, they call me for everything. I have to ask them to call BM on her time.

I am appalled (not the first time) that a SM would be so cruel to your son. It seems that your ex must condone it. He doesn't seem to think much about your DS best intrest in RE: to school.

Good luck!

[backwardsbike]

Breezy,

My X doesn't think for himself period.  he depends on Sm to make all decisions.  Once my DD asked for a new pair of shoes as hers were too small.  he had to check with SM before he could buy them.  SM said the shoes were fine and DD was just lying to get a new pair.  DD then asked me for shoes and I bought them.  The old ones WERE too small.  He just never thinks forhimself.  Then when things go wrong he can say, "Well YOU made the decision.  it's your fault."  That's why I divorce him.

Yes, it si cruel the kids have to live with this kind of cruelty in thier own home.  But they will not be honest.  In the past when they were honest with a psychologist who was supposed tohelp them he reported every little thing to SM and dad and the kids were punished for telling certian things.  So now they don't do it anymore.  They just say what Sm and dad wantt hem to and count the days til they are 18 when dad tells them they will be thrown out of the house.  Maybe they will want to live with me then?

[msme]

If you have the time, volunteer at the school. Your son doesn't need to be there. You aren't there to do for your son. You need to be there to impress the staff that you're not the villian that your ex paints you to be.

Volunteer at the library, the science lab, the office, wherever your talents can be best used. It doesn't have to be all day. I teach times tables to fourth graders who are behind. I am only there for about 45 minutes a day but it makes a big difference.

I am well known by the staff & nothing my son's ex said to them, when she used to try, made any difference because they knew me. She even went to the school board & demanded that they ban me from the school as I was disrupting her kids education. LOL The principle told the head of the board that he would give anything for more parents & grandparents to be so disrupting.

If the only you they know is the one that is there fighting to undo what her ex has done, then that doesn't paint a very pretty picture. Go show them the real you.

Good luck & God bless you.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!