Where do I begin??? Please read

[jedward451]

Here is my situation. For the past 2 ½ years I have been involved with a married woman. I to was married when the affair began, but separated from my wife once the affair began, and then divorced. There is TOO much to go into that has transpired over this course of time. Basically, the woman is pregnant (about 10 to 12 weeks). She and her husband have decided that they will raise this child as their own with VERY little (or no) involvement from me. I cannot do that, though that is what she expects of me. She expects for her, the husband, and myself to be the only ones that know who the father is. That brings to mind a big question for me......am I really the father. If I believe her then the answer is yes. I know one thing for certain, if this child is born and is mine, I will not be able to shoulder the burden of denying the child or myself a relationship with one another. I fear that I will have to fight for every little bit. Oh, by the way, she has two children, ages 8 and 10, by her husband. Back to my story, I am not the kind of person that can be a "sperm donor", which is basically the way she is treating me.
Well, that is the short of it, and NO I no longer hold out hope that I will have any relationship with this woman other than one that is faked for the benefit of our child. She thinks that it would be better for all involved that I have no relationship with the child. I think it will be better for her and her family. I know what I must do will destroy her world. Family and friends will be very disappointed in her and may never speak to her again. I also know that things will not be great on my end, my family is going through some tough times of their own and this will put a lot of stress on them.
The one person that has been there for me through this is my ex-wife. We make much better friends than we ever did as husband and wife.
Okay, I've rambled on enough.
If anyone has ANY comments or suggestions, please do not hesitate.
Thank you in advance

[Louisiana]

First of all.  If you are still alive you are doing well.  My current husband and I came from the same place.  We have survived and now I am married to my soul mate.
As I look back though, and try to imagine what I did to my family, I wonder if I had spiritually been where I needed to be, would it have been necessary for everyone to go through what we did? I don't know if you have relationship with God or not, but I would recomend that you read The purpose driven life.  That book really helped me be able to handle the hard parts of my life.  I think that you are faced with some very difficult issues here.  I understand your need to know this child.  I understand that a dad needs and loves his children as much as the mother.  I would ask that you think of a way to approach this situation that respects her other two children.  They deserve that.  
I have been in your shoes and have seen childrens lives destroyed because of what I did.  Believe me, if you are passionate enough to want a life with your child, you are passionate enough to feel horrible ( does not even beging to express) for breaking these innocent children.  Perhaps you three adults could think of a discrete way for you to have a relationship with your baby.  It really would be better if there was some way for her children and yours if you have any, not to know about your true relationship to this baby until they are much older.  Children need to respect thier parents.  I believe they feel like trash if they think thier parents are trash.  We as adults should all do what we can to protect all of the children.  I wish I could undo the damage I have done.
My husbands children are now, and have been for four years, suffering from severe Parental Alienation Syndrome.  This has been a devestation to all.  I don't know how he has survived it.  I don't know how his children have survived it.  My children don't understand why his boys don't treat thier dad like they should.  They don't understand why they won't come over or go on vacation with us.  Why they won't come get their Christmas presents.  Good luck to you.  Look for wisdom and don't let emotion rule you.

[karynmb123]

While I respect Louisiana's response, I have to disagree with her on this one.

Having been through some sticky situations similar to this, I can understand how you are feeling.

But there are many things to consider here. First of all, you are absolutely right about one thing. You do not know if this is your child and you a right to know that before you get yourself too involved in this emotionally.

If it is determined that you are in fact the father, then I believe you would be doing this child a grave injustice to step discreetly out of his life. While this woman and husband have agreed to treat this child as if it were their own, I'm not sure that is humanly possible. It is quite likely that this child would cause a great resentment on the part of the husband. If it didn't he would be close to sainthood in my book. And as that resentment grows, your child will be the one hurt in the long run.

Also, I have learned that children are much more understanding and flexible then we give them credit for. I have also learned that it is always better to be honest with them (age-appropriate of course).  Imagine if you went along with this and 20 years from now he/she finds out the truth, talk about a mess. She/he will hate everyone involved. I know I would. It's best not to lie in these situations.

I know that you do not want to destroy this woman's life and I respect that. However, it appears to me that she could care less about what she does to yours. expecting a parent to just pretend they never had a child is inexcusable to me. I know my ex would like for me to do that. But its not about him, its about my child and no matter what I make sure my child knows I am here for her and that I love her. Every child deserves that.

This man will never love your child the way that you can, no matter how much he wants to or tries to and your child deserves that!!!!

As for everyone else involved, they'll adjust. We always do.

Well I don't know how much help I've been but good luck with this and God bless.

-K

[Lawmoe]

When a child is born during a marriage, that child is presumed to be that of the married couple. That is a rebuttable poresumption. You may still file a paternity action to esatablish or disclaim paternity.

If you are adjudicated the father of the child, you may also seek parental rights like any other parent including parenting time.

[jedward451]

Yes, I am alive....for now. I have expressed concern for my safety to my ex-wife. Speaking of, from now on I am going to refer to her as Lynn (that is her middle name).
Lynn and I have discussed what I should do and what my options MAY be. No, I am not letting her make my decisions for me, that is something I did MOST of the time we were married, I was very dependent. I told Lynn that what I have planned will not be very favorable to this woman and her family; people have killed other people for less. So yes I am concerned for my safety, but I do not fear for it. I am not constantly looking over my shoulder. Okay, enough of that.
Congratulations to you for finding your soulmate. I thought that this woman was my soulmate, and she may very well be, but I have taken sooooo much over these past 2.5 years that if she called me right now and told me that she wanted me and had left her husband, I would have NO interest in having a relationship with her. Ultimately she deserves to be alone and unwanted. I don't not say that angrily, just matter of fact.

Perhaps I forgot to mention that she ended our relationship, both the intimate one and our friendship. Please read an email I sent to her yesterday morning. Yes, it is edited a bit.


You probably won't like my answers.

I know it would probably be best to wait, but what the heck here goes.
 
1.)   Will I be allowed to go to a doctor visit in order to hear the heartbeat?  Not a good idea
 
2.)   If you get more sonograms and get pictures, will I be able to see/have one?  I can let you see one if I see you during that time
 
3.)   Will I be a factor in choosing a name for the child?  That is a decision that will be made by (her husband)  and me.
 
4.)   Will you tell me the sex of it?   Yes
 
5.)   Will I be allowed to see the child on a regular basis, meaning scheduled visits, not last minute ones?   That is not a good idea.  That will really destroy what we are trying to accomplish.
 
6.)   Do you plan on baptizing the child as you did Katherine and Ben?  Yes
 
7.)   Do you plan to have either a CVS or amniocentesis?  No
 
8.)   What role will you and your husband allow me to have in this child's life?   I can let you know what is happening but as for visits and other things I cannot let that happen.  For all purposes this baby is a (her last name).  
 
 
Yes, it is quite soon for me to ask these These are questions that I need answers to......even though I am fairly certain of the answers already. But I do not want to assume anything.
 
Just be honest, do not spare my feelings. It would hurt more if you were dismissive and said you do not know.
Thank you
Sincerely,
(my name)

As far as her and the husband are concerned, it is going to go just as they plan. It seems to me that she is under they impression that I am the same person that I was in the beginning of this relationship. Oh, BTW supposedly I got her pregnant soon after our affair started 2.5 years ago. She treated me much the same way, but not nearly as mean as she has been this time. I only hope that this pregnancy ends the same as that one, miscarriage. The big difference this time is that there IS a heartbeat. The last time it was a blighted ovum. If you don't know, that is a fertilized egg that does not continue to grow after fertilization. It eneded at 11 weeks. As of this weekend, Nov 6th, she will be 10 weeks. I know this because I was only intimate with her twice in August and not since. Once very early in August and the last time was August 28th. So I would have to guess that the egg was fertilize either on the 28th or within a few days after. Of course this is all assuming that it IS mine.

About her children, because I fell in love with her, I fell in love with them as well. I would go over to their house when Dad was working, visit with her, play with the kids. She lied to her husband telling him that she and I were just friends and that our intimate relationship was over. Though he got angry and fought with her at times, he let her keep me as a friend, until this pregnancy happened. I believe the only reason he stays is so that he will be with his kids. Well, there are other reasons like possessions, status ion the community, low self-esteem (that he couldn't find someone else). But the number one reason is his children. Okay, back to my point. Basically, when she let me know how unimportant my feeling were to her, my love and concern for her and those she loves DIED. Now, as a compromise I would be willing to try and come up with a somewhat reasonable explanation for her children as to why their Mommy and I had a child together and how. NO, they do not need to know what Mommy did with her best friend (she told her children that I was her best friend). They just need to know that I am their half – sister's/brother's TRUE father.

I will attempt to sit down with her and discuss what I want, but I will wait until she at least 3 months pregnant, maybe even 4 or 5. Why 5, I have known a couple of older woman (she is 40) that have miscarried at 5 months. Both pregnancies seemed fine until about that point. It would be better for all of us if she did miscarry. Then I wouldn't have to fight for my parental rights.
It comes down to this, if I am proven to be the Father, I want the following things:
1.)   Input in the name of the child.
2.)   The last name WILL be the same as mine
3.)   I will go for joint custody

That's just a list off the top of my head.
Honestly, the only thing connected to her and her life that I am concerned with is the life that grows within her. If she were to die in childbirth, I would suggest to her husband that he tell their children that the baby died as well, because her and I are the only ones that have any emotional, biological, and legal right to that child. I will do my best to make that he cannot even be legally left alone with this child ever!

Ya know, she told me a couple of weeks ago that if I did anything to go against their plans that she would not want to get nasty. She said to me, "You know what the say about a Mother protecting their young!"

I will try to talk to her, but I doubt it will do any good, I doubt that she will compromise in ANY way.
For now, I will be positive in the phone conversations and emails between us and then I will surprise her with what I plan on doing :)
I will do my best to keep my emotions in check. I realize that letting emotion rule you can only lead to making one self look bad. I know that if I were to do something wrong it would be favorable to her, showing that I am some crazy person or something like that.

Thanks for the advice, even though we may not completely agree :)

[jedward451]

What really got me about Louisiana's response was that line about stepping discreetly out of the child's life, however, we may be able to come up with a solution that is not too damning to her relationship with her older children, not that I REALLY care. I do not want to be like her and tell her that I will go against any of her wishes. If I wanted to, I could absolutely destroy her life. Not by physical actions, but emotionally destroy her. That would only lead us on a path towards disaster. My ex-wife (Lynn) is afraid that this woman might do something to me. I'm not afraid, but I am concerned that the actions I plan to take may have such a devastating affect on her that she may do something stupid and try to hurt me physically.
I have a bad wish, but she deserves it. I wish that he would be so embarrassed by the family and friends knowing what she has done that he leaves her and gets custody of their two children. And NO, I wouldn't be there to help pick up the pieces, she burnt me for the final time. I now act like I still care and fain concern for her and what she cares about. I am just waiting until the time is right to surprise her with my plans (they are still in progress). Within the next month I will make an appointment with a lawyer to see what choices I have. Then I will ask that both she and I meet in a public place to discuss some things. I doubt she will even find the time to meet with me, she always says how busy she is lately. And if we do meet, she will be unwilling to compromise or hear my side of things. Regardless, I will try and do things the right way. I am a better than her!
If you want to read more on my feelings towards this woman and her life, read the reply I sent to Louisiana.
Thank you for your response, I agree with everything you typed.
I will post any new developments.
Also, I have a feeling that she might try and lie to me by saying that she miscarried. Hopefully, she will not try to do that, because I am certain that I can find out if she is lying. And why you ask, because her and I used to work together. I still know people there, people I can ask about her.
Thanks again
God bless you to,
              J

[jedward451]

Thank you.
If this child is indeed mine, I will claim my right as its Father. I will start with joint custody. I will be patient and wait to take action at a later date, when she is between 3 and 6 months pregnant. I'm still not certain of my time frame yet.

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

You may have to wait until the child is born. In order to establish paternity b/c the husband IS presumed to be the father. The Court is not going to force a woman to subject an unborn child to a DNA test (IF they can even do that I'm not sure) especially when you have already admitted her age puts her at risk and she has already had one miscarriage. I would definately research that and that way you don't show your hand to quickly. IF you do have to wait then you have NO SAY LEGALLY in the first or middle name but can possibly have the birth certificate changed to reflect your last name. That does not mean they will acknowledge that change. (my step daughter all of a sudden adopted her moms last name at the divorce- mind you mom has one last name, brother has another and daughter has another, brother was never told his last name was the same as moms only daughter was).

You will start with joint custody? Either you and your ex never had children together or you settled out of court all the custody issues b/c although you certainly have the right to request joint (and should) and may receive it---> be prepared b/c you are in for the fight of your life for the next 18 years if this child is yours. Good Luck to you

[jedward451]

Perhaps you misunderstood me, I do not wish to force any procedure on her and yes, even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
Do you mean that her and the husband will not acknowledge the change?
Do you think I may not be able to get the birth certificate change?
This will be my first child with anyone.
What I meant was that I will start by asking for joint custody. Sorry, I was just pouring my thoughts out last night and didn't think to check if some things may be misunderstood.

I like your line about showing my hand too quickly.
Believe it or not, she has been very nice to me the past few days and I have communicated with her more in those days than I have in a few weeks. No, I am not interested in getting involved with her again. I just want her to think that I am going along with her wishes until the time is right. For now I will just be patient and collect as much information as possible.

I can only imagine what a battle this will be for many years to come
Thank you for your input and your good luck wishes.

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

It's more than possible that they won't acknowledge a change. They may tell the child that the last name is (their last name) and you saying otherwise is just you being mean I can picture it perfectly (you'll have to excuse me I am a very good B#tch from He**---> I've been dealing with my fiances ex for close to three years)

Mom and her husband to child "Now honey that's just silly I don't know why (your name) says your last name is ______ why would your last name be the same as his (her husbands name) is daddy you know that all of us me, you, daddy and all siblings (listed by name for effect) are all "their last name" why would you be different/"

10 years later when kid questions. mom says "Honey I did it to protect you I didn't want you to feel left out or different you are my baby and I would do anything to protect you why does that basteard (your name) keep trying to upset you!"

They don't have to acknowledge anything, legally the name will be what's on the birth certificate and they could likely talk the judge into a hyphen your name there's and never use your except for legal things like passports and plane tickets but truth be known I was registered in school under my step-dads last name for years (unbeknownst to me) and before that my sister was registered under my dads last name which was not her dad and these names were never on our birth certificates.

Again good luck and keep quiet until after the child is born and then file a paternity action. Once you find out if the child is yours then from the get go ask for joint legal custody and a visitation schedule.

[jedward451]

Thank you for the advice.
I can imagine the same things happening as well.
I will attempt to get joint custody, I would never try and get full custody.
Believe it or not, my reasoning is out of respect for her. I think a child needs to spend equal time with both parents, if possible. I know she would not give me the same respect, but that's okay.
I will probably not post again for some time, unless it is in reply to someone else's post.
Not much going on lately, except that her and I have been communicating through email for the past few days. I have learned to be very nice and fain concern.
Again, thank you.

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

Your welcome and good luck to you. Keep your head up and file as soon as the child is born. Hope the next time we hear from you it is all good news!