Messages

You could have been talking about my family 9 years ago. Step Son is 7 years older than my older son and 8.5 more than the youngest. BM used to pull crap and say nonsense (your half siblings aren't your real siblings, you have to live with someone for them to be your real family...). It set him up for fal;ure. He was so jealous of the younger boys. He hated that they got to live with their Dad and he had to go back. But the crap his mother put in his head messed with it. She had him convinced that his brothers weren't REAL...he used that as an excuse for having sodomized them. He actually said it didn't matter what he did to them because they weren't real.
Don't let this teen get away with POOR behavior because it will only escalate. He needs to learn the tool of treating people at least as well as he would treat a stranger and with a modicum of respect.

The significant change in circumstance must be in the life of the child or the non-moving parent (i.e., YOU). Her pregnancy has nothing to do with you or the child's well-being and it is not a significant change.

You are dealing with an aged CHILD. You need to react like an adult. She is a school yard bully calling names and throwing tantrums. Since the ex is someone else's child, you do what you would with any child who isn't yours but you find yourself having to deal with them... like one of your friend's kids or your child's friend.
1.  Ignore low level poor behavior pretend it didn't happen
2. When they are in a snit don't play with them
3.  Any time you MUST interact with them, do so civilly and and minimally.

You would never let some neighborhood child's ranting and raving make any difference in how you handle your own household; you would never let their opinion matter. You would laugh it off because it is ridiculous for them to think they have any say. Same situation here.
Do not react to ANYTHING she says unless it is specificaly about the well-being of the kids. You can take a little name calling and malicious gossip. It does not change who you are or how well you parent. Teach her how to treat you. When she behaves, reward her with a little more contact. When she behaves poorly, restrict her interaction even more. If she makes allegations to the police or to the courts you address them directly with the courts or the police.

When with the kids, you address lies as misconceptions. Teach them tools to deal with lies in every day life. (e.g., "I don't know where little Jimmy got the idea that we eat dog food... we don't have a dog and you can see for yourself that there isn't any in the cupboards. Have you ever seen us eat dog food? Little Jimmy must be mistaken." or "I don't know how your mom came to think I hate her.  Have you ever heard me say that I hate your mother? I don't feel that way." Then make a joke about how their mom must have crawled into your head and read your mind to know what you feel? No? hmmm what do they think? "I think she must be mistaken.")

You need to change every phone number except one. That should be your husband's cell - easily turned off at night. Have him write her a a letter stating that the only number available is his number and you will only respond to calls regarding the kids' needs, schedules and emergencies. Then do it, change all the rest. Let her messages go to voicemail and then check it immediately - respond to whatever is necessary and maturely ignore her childish tantrums. You as step-mom should only respond if it is an emergency and he is otherwise indisposed. (e.g., Janie is at the hospital? Which one? what do her doctors say about her condition? We'll be on the way in the next 15 minutes.)

Finally, stop renegotiating the parenting plan. stick to it 100% - no trading, no changes, no nothing. You want a judge (usually the same one who signed off on the order in the first place) to take you seriously, then respect his order. The only exceptions should be for emergencies, a death in the family and other truly serious matters. If the kids have a school function on your time, you do the right thing and take them. You two need to get on the same page and stop playing her game.

Haven't posted in a long while, but I lurk every week.

I just wanted to encourage you all to keep up the good fight for your children's sake. It is worth it. We will be having our first uninterrupted Father's Day with SS this year. He is 20 now. I came to this site when he was 6 or 7. Up until last year, BM was interfering. Then apparently SS did something that made her turn to him say, "you are every bit as bad as your father ever was" and he left. His rose colored glasses were off. I am sad that SS had to be hurt in order for that to happen, but he is also learning to deal with a mother that has unresolved emotional issues in a way that keeps some healthy boundaries... something we sought for him for years.  He is asking questions -- I promised him years ago that I would never lie to a direct question  -- sometimes it is hard not to play the blame game and keep my explanations to what we absolutely know.

SS calls 3-4 times a week to ask his Dad if he can come hang out... to ask if they can go do something together...to ask for advice. It is so NORMAL that it brings a tear to my eye.

Like many others here before us, we are passing on the torch.

also, if it has not been 5 years, she cannot get a modification unles she meets threshold for a "significant change of circumstances that affects the child or the non-moving party".

Whoo Hoo for Scupper!

I've knownfor years that pigs fly... its called a catapult. The landing is the problem

IN WA if your support is paid and you have seen the kids every time you have the opportunity, then there is no grounds upon which to even get into court. They would have to meet Threshold for a SIGNIFCANT CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCE OF THE CHILDREN OR THE NON+MOVING PARTY (you). A little tantrum on the part of a teen-child on transition from one household to the other is not going to meet the threshold... but watch out for false allegations of abuse cause it is used more and more to "meet" the threshold.

I suggest you buy, beg, or borrow a video camera and video your time with the kids on several occasions. Date and label the tapes or burn the digital files to disk. Keep them for trial if needed and for the sheer joy of the memories.

Rethink this alleged crying when she leaves. Is it because she had a terrible time at your house, or because she doesn't want to leave her mother and sit around waiting for her Dad to come home off the road? I'd bet it is loneliness, which we all know has nothing to do with who is around and everything to do with who ISN'T.

I have had 3 stepmothers 1 Horrendous and 2 quite good. I loved the two good ones. However, even though they were/are better human beings than my own mother, I still don't love them in the same way I loved my Mom. My mom and one of the steps died of cancer. But if my Mom was still alive, I would still chose her (crazy wench that she was) over a "step" any day of the week. I am betting that a tri[p to court will uncover that the child wants to move households and asking you to give up rights is their way of "proving" to her that you really don't love her.

Also, Kids know that there are different rules in different places (home, school, church, the store). Just make it clear that your house, your rules. Keep the kids safe, love them and work out your relationship with each one individually.

A "significant change of circumstances" of the child or the other/"non-moving" parent can seem kind of vague. You can usually consider something meeting the threshhold if there is a significant, measureable detriment to the child as a result of the change.. if the constant moves are negatively impacting the child's grades or attendance it might reach the threshold. For instance she used to be an A student and is now barely passing. (significant, measureable detriment).

If the living in the same room with a non-relative peer of the opposite sex has effected the child's sense of safety or identity, then it might reach the threshold. But the burden of proof is on the moving party (you guys).

Whatever you decide to do, you have to have reliable evidence which is relative to the case, AND that the judge will allow. All I can tell you is Document, Document, Document and don't let a visible pattern go on too long, or your documentation becomes just a form of voyeurism.

In order to change physical custody, there has to be a change in the circumstances of the children or the non-petitioning parent. So stop and breathe deeply and think calming thoughts.

As far as the child support modification, each state has a time period of how long since the last modification must go past for another modification. Check your state statutes on the timeline. If you are in a state with an income shares model, it will take into consideration both your income for any modification action. If the ordered amount does not change enough (some states 10%, some $50, some $100) there will be no change in the ordered amount.

There are calculators online for most states (this site has many of those links) and if you know what job your ex has, then you could check the county website and see what the pay scale is. Run the calculations. See if it is going to make a diffference. Your state may take into account children of previous relationships.

When BM asked for an increase in CS for my SS, she was only looking at the fact that DH had an increase in his wages. She forgot he also had 2 other children AND she was making an equal amount. CS went down and she paid her attorney $8K for the privilege. This is in WA state. (CS is over now Yeah!). IN calculating CS, they first did what DH's amount would be based on 1 child, then what amount with 3 children. The difference was the credited amount from the one child amount. BM took a look at the $168 a month she would have gotten and decided to take over other costs for a slightly larger monthly amount (tax exemption split, transportation split, medical costs split 50/50, etc.)

You did not say which state you are in. That makes a difference in the advice you are offered. I have given you a broad range of possibilities (pretty vague overall) but only because you did not give a state.

Also, I am not an attorney. I have only relayed the second hand experiences I have seen over the years since being here (over 10 years).