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Keep up the good work!!!  Someone always has to be the bigger person in these situations and it looks like you are being that person.  I agree with the other posters.  Arrange a parenting plan with him.  The court orders are just a fall back point for parents who disagree.  If you and dad feel a different parenting plan better suits your work schedules and the needs of your daughter, then create that one.  I would suggest emailing him (that way it is in writing) and asking him to give you a preference of the mid-week overnight he would like and then tell him you would like to begin the the new parenting schedule. 

I agree with not jumping to conclusions about his parenting.  My DH has a bad day at office work and he is a bit detached from all of us. He doesn't talk much but always does the big things like bedtime stories and tucking in. 

Right now, Dad is a visitor in your home. From everything you are saying, it is definitely time to let him parent away from you. Even if that means you tell him it is time to start. Be very frank and tell him that he is her parent and it is time to parent her on his own. Set the schedule that works for you two and remind him that it is his time to be her dad and that you will be making your own plans and have your own things to do and that he can't just call you last minute and decide he can't "make it." Obviously, work schedules have to be worked around, but he needs to know that your daughter will be expecting to see her dad and he will need to learn to arrange for child care (like his mom) if and when something comes up.

DH and I rarely do social things without SS on our weekends with him. He has learned to schedule his "off duty" social life around his parenting plan. Our friends picked up on this quickly and if your daughter's dad is a social butterfly, this will be a big change for him.  Hold strong. This will be a bumpy road for a bit, but your committment to making it work will help or things to be much smoother sailing for all of you!!  Keep us posted!

Thanks Davy for clarifying the rules of entry and exity. That is good to know. However, I am still curios as to if the post office would accept only a birth certificate with mother only listed as enough documentation for a passport.  DH had joint legal custody of his son but the birth certificate still only listed mother.  Many children have situations like this, so wouldn't it be necessary to always have BOTH parents there unless there was clear proof that one of the parents was deceased or not a legal guardian?  Hypothetically speaking, BM could have obtained the passport this way and then took SS away forever.  Any thoughts??

Thanks momoftwo.  Where did you read that?

Thanks everyone!!  DH didn't make a huge issue, because SS did come back and he doesn't want to drag everything into court.  We questioned the legality of it back then, but left it alone because things were shaky enough with BM. DH is trying to be civil with BM and work things out between them as much as possible. It is really hard sometimes and we are super flexible and often get the short end of the deal for the sake of SS.  We are, however, not naive to the ins and outs of court and just want to have a full arsenal if and when we need to go before a judge.  I just thought I would bring it up here since it seemed relevant to current events.  I would still like to know more opinions if anyone thinks a parent with joint legal and sole physical can obtain a passport with only a birth certificate that does not list the father.

Unbelievable!  So let me ask this...if the original birth certificate has only BM listed and NOT DH, could she have used that to obtain the passport even though the court order gives DH joint legal custody and parenting time?

I looked at the info online too and I read that as well. DH has joint legal with sole physical going to BM. The thing is I think she either 1. knew she needed DH to sign and just worked the system showing that the court order shows her with the residential custody or 2. someone processing the passport at the post office didn't do their due dilegence to check all the paper work.

So after all of this talk of Sean Goldman and passports, I started wondering a few things.  My DH was asked about 2 years back by BM to meet her at the post office and sign for a passport. She was getting married on a cruise and SS was going.  DH told her to just give him a time to meet her. Well, things were a little rough at that time and she ended up getting really mad at DH.  She never brought up the issue again and we just figured that she didn't get one since the passport rules had not changed at that time.  Well SS gets back from the cruise and is excited about his passport. He talked about going to the post office and getting his photo taken.  Hmmmm....  How did she get a passport without DH signing for it?  DH has an updated birth cert after paternity testing was done, however, she still has the old one.  Could she have obtained a passport with this b.c. that does not list DH?  Even though this was 2 years ago, could this be something against her in a court situation if and when we need to go to change the parenting plan? 

I agree with ocean.  Call him and explain the situation. See if he has any ideas. If not, offer him a full day as soon as it fits in his work schedule. 

I am sorry if I seemed agressive in my earlier post. Did not mean to be. As I read it again I could feel my emotion but hard for someone to receive that on a screen.   I was just warning of the vicious cycle of questioning that could happen.  No worries and don't feel like you have to explain yourself on this board.  We are here to help not judge.  I still totally understand how you feel about the lies.  It's not a good way to start this journey, but I am sure if you continue to show him you are willing to do what is court order (and even more) he will feel confident as a dad. 

You probably feel like he has a lot of proving of himself to do to you. You were on your own for so long and here he comes waltzing in wanting to be dad.  Maybe not so exciting for you. You may have resentments, but this is really a great thing for your daughter.  Always remember that and always try to make sure that you two are working to give her as much acess to both of you as possible with your schedules.  You will appreciate it in the long run. Think long term. (dance classes, school, sports, plays, friends parties, etc) And even short term-a whole weekend to yourself!!  It is nice to have someone to share the parenting burden with. 

Give him a call tonight or tomorrow and see what he thinks about switching the schedule.  Maybe even offer him an extra holiday or Christmas Eve and morning until 10am or something next year in order to make it work for this year.  Keep us posted.

I know the honesty is the biggest issue here, but due to the circumstances, you are really going to have to just take his word for it in everything.  Word of caution, STOP asking your daughter questions.  Kids of all ages can totally sense moods and attitudes of their parents.  She will learn very quickly if you two don't like each other or if you two don't agree and she will learn to manipulate that OR start taking sides.  It's not a fun situation.  My SS is now 9 but even at age 4 he was playing sides to protect both of his parents and to get want he wanted.  If you have questions at all about what they did you need to ask DD's dad and just ask her if she had fun.  DO NOT probe for details from her.  Even if you are curious.  It makes things worse. 

Another issue I see creeping up is the issue of control.  I know that you have been in control since the beginning, but you must keep your focus on becoming a coparent.  That is a HUGE thing to have to do, but coparenting and being a TEAM for you daughter will truly pay off in the long run.  It cannot be you against him. It has to be a united front.  On paper it may say you have legal and physical custody, but who cares.  He is the father and now is better than never for him to step up and have all of the responsibilities that come with parenting. That includes making decisions for her and having her for continuous periods of time away from you. 
I agree with ocean. Just prepare your daughter for his parenting time by saying it's time to go with Daddy.  I will see you soon, be it tomorrow or 3 days from now.  Kids are super adaptable.  She will adjust to everything that she sees you comfortable with.  SHE will not need to talk to you at night before bed as much as YOU will need that.  SHE will not feel the need to give you every detail of her time with Dad as much as YOU will feel the need to know.  SHE will not need 5 four hour visits away from you before staying overnight. YOU will need that.  Parenting plans are more for parents than they are kids.  The one thing kids do need however is FREQUENT and CONTINUING contact with both parents where both parents are able to actually parent for extended times and NOT just play.  Good luck and keep us posted.  We are all here to support you!!!

Any updates for us?  How have the visits been going?