Messages

[[HIGHLIGHT=#ff0000]KSMARKS[/HIGHLIGHT]]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ff0000]KSMARKS[/HIGHLIGHT] thank you for sharing your story.  I think what you have done is GREAT. I applaude you for thinking out your kids future.  Which in fact will be great cause mom and dad are not fighting over money.  Money is great but it damages alot of relationship that otherwise would have been good.

I sure hope alto of women read your story and take it as an example.

Confratulations. You have set the bar high. May God Bless you and ALL your family

your right. I just need to take one issuse at a time.

we will see what happends this weekend

thanks again for everything

i think that if the temporay order was sign in your favor, get your lawyer, the proper athority to escort you and go get your daughter. Before the mom decises to take off and make things worse. Its clear to see that she is not in all her right sences, you never know what she might to next.

That may have been what you where tring to say...but it sure is not how it came out.

It's ok, I am glad that both sides came out on this topic.  I help me realize that there really is not excuse to hide/cover up a problem this serious to the parent.

All i can think is the what if's:
what if we (huband and i) left to pick up chineess and rent a movie, and daughter is hanging out at home waiting for us, in that time she gets an upsetting call and does the cutting the right way, or cuts to deep and we come home to her bleeding out. On our watch cause NO one mentiond what was going on. I am sure mom would have blamed us then. She would of found her voice really quick.

I think that the child support is what its for to support the child.  Dad is doing his part, he pays for the home, bills, food, gas, i sure he get the child clothes and things for school. Why schould he help pay for ex's stuff.  If mom can "make it" with the income she gets plus the child support then, dad schould take the child and you have the visitations and summers.

Maybe that will help you financially if the child is costing more then what the court ordered was resonable in child support.

[HIGHLIGHT=#00b0f0][HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]**my general opinon** [/HIGHLIGHT][/HIGHLIGHT]
Has anyone (female) even really given the dad the option to keep the child. I have never heard of that. I think most mom just take the kids and leave and say ok, now you pay child support cause i can't do it alone and this is YOUR child too.  Why didn't they remeber that as they took the child out of the fathers home.  I am almost positive that most dad's would have gladlly cared for thier child.

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]In a perfect word 50/50 would be: mom has child 0-4, dad 4=(pre-k to 3rd grade), mom (4th-8th), dad (9th-12th) or vice versa. Where both parents share everything and family from both sides get to be more involved in the childs life. Child Support would never be an issue.[/HIGHLIGHT]

Thank you Kitty.

I know its going to be hard on the mom, i dont mean to sound coldhearted towards her.  I have spent the last weeks tring to put myself in her shoes and i just cant get to anything that would stop me from telling the dad if it was me.

I finally decided to advise dad to let the court handle it.  He was ready to go confront / scream / pull daughter from home. He was just upset and hurt. I stopped him from doing all that in order not to have his daughter see and be in a tug a war with them.  I feel its safer and calmer this way.

I do pray that you are correct and the cops are not called. The less messier the better.  Either way is going to tough on all daughter, dad, and mom and all the family.

[CUTTING]

Thank all you so much for all the advise.

There are a couple of things that i want to address:
First I DO know my part in this whole situation. I have never once said anything about me being LEGALLY involved. I been honest about how I feel and I will not apoligize for loving "OUR" daughter.  I will do anything for my family and that completely includes my STEP-DAUGHTER (just to make u happy).  I am not in anyway tring to push my self to court and speak for dad, but I am his wife. I will gather all the information  (hence why i am in this site) he needs to go in to court ready. I will also support my husband  every step on the way, just like i will support and help our daughter with anything she needs.  I KNOW i am not her mom by birth but once she is in my home my role as STEP_MOM will beco a big part.
We will be sending daughter to a counselor and once the mom starts the drama in court, dad will request all info he can from the counselor she is speaking with now.

Bottom line with the mom is that...talking to her (even being civil) is little nail on a board, or getting a root canal.
They way dad and I see this is that mom had about a year to talk about the situation.  Dad is not consern in anyway about mom nor her feelings, all he is seeing is his daughter, "daughter is hurting, she asked for help" Like i said before all the excuses on why it was not told to dad and why daughter is cutting is relevent and can be discussed at court,
where it will only be mom and dad.
We have thought about every senerio and we have plan a , b , c on most of them.
Our first and only consern is our daughter.  She will not be seeing the whole drama. We will not be exchanging a single word with mom.    Dad will talk to daughter, ask her if this is what SHE want, if she is ready for change its going to take.  If/When daughter says yes. Dad will call mom and tell her, daughter is staying here, she asked to stay and she will stay here now.  Daughter will be in a different part of the hm with family watching a movie, if cops come they will be welcomed in the hm only. dad talks to them they talk to daughter and make a deceision.
We dont want her to see anything, dad will tell her that he will deal with the fall out. NOT her.

As far as mom, she can deal with the courts.

Yes, we do not know the reason on why she is cutting, it could be mom, the home, friends, attention, dad...ect....
But either way she is asking for help. and she is CUTTING and it is serious that needs to be addressed and treated.  Daughter is asking dad for help, his only option is to help.

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffc000]MomofTwo[/HIGHLIGHT]: I am sorry you miss understood what the situation is.  The only "assuming" anything towards the mom is you. 
Yes, the counselors we spoke to did NOT speak to "OUR" daughter, we spoke to the counselor so we can have an idea this whole situation was about.  I dont know about you but personally i have never dealt with anyone cutting themselfs, this has never been a topic that both my huband and i have never come across.  I do belive that talking to a professional was the best thing we could do at the time. We are just tring to learn and understand "OUR' daughter situation.  Like i mention before:
[/quote]
If everything works out, we will be getting a counselor next week.  We want her to get help, if something comes up in the session we will deal with it then. Press charges if we need to. Our main objective is to remove her from the situation/enviroment that is causing her feel like cutting is the answer.
[/quote]
We are taking this very seriously. WE are pass the point to try to get answers from mom.  If she wants to talk she can do all the talking she want to the mediator or judge, she can give them the reason/excuse/accusation there.  We will not be confronting the mom, we will let that courts take care of it. Dad has been there her whole life and has been paying and does not owe any back child support. (in case you were already thinking the worst of him). She is the adult and parent, she schould have notified dad the moment she found out.  Just make it a point to blame him for everything else that 'OUR' daughter does, (e.i. daughters first kiss: mom blamed dad "she is missing a father figuer").  WE are positive that if it had anything to do with dad or my self, mom would have pointed that finger right away.
If once "OUR" daughter speakes to the counselor and anthing comes up like abuse in any way, shape, or form WE WILL PRESS CHARGES. Yes, that could include negligent. 

Either way the most important thing now is to protect OUR DAUGHTER. She comes first. The reason of the cutting, we can figuer that out later.

** by your personal attacks to me: i will assume that you are one of them people that assume that the MOM is always right, that she is the angle and that there is nothing she can do wrong.  Well let me you in on a little secret MOM's = human, make mistakes too, just check the cementaries, hospitals, jails, and child servises. They are full of kids/adults that MOM's and every adult in there life ignored or excused the initial red flag with 'oh, its just a fase, she/he will grow out of it'.

I am a mother too, my husband and i have a boy.  I sure as hell hope that if my son has problems later in life that some will lisen to him.  We all as mother pray and do our best, but sometimes life doesn't work that way.

ps: even if i did not give birth to her she is still MY daughter too.  When my husband and i married she became my daughter too, and I love her just like she was own if not more.  I accepted her completly, some family you are born into and then theres the family that is a special gift from God.

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]Thank you so much[/HIGHLIGHT]....we have been really nervous about the whole situation.

If everything works out, we will be getting a counselor next week.  We want her to get help, if something comes up in the session we will deal with it then. Press charges if we need to. Our main objective is to remove her from the situation/enviroment that is causing her feel like cutting is the answer.

All the family on this side is standing behind our daughter and us 110%, and i hope that help her too.

We have a lot of work and hard times ahead of us, but thank you so much for giving me the tools to move foward and do what is best for our daughter.

Thanks to this site i was able to express my problems with out the fear of judgment, and i was able to get the answers we needed, that helps alot.
[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]May God Bless You[/HIGHLIGHT].

The counselor the she is going to was appointed by mom, she wont talk to the dad.  I am assuming that daughter has talked to the counselor about it, we do know that the counselor meets with mom at no cost after daughters session.  It is all to fishy.  We took these last couple of weeks to get mentally and physically prepared for her.  We want to welcome her to our home with open arms.
As far as whyshe is doing it, we have not gotten anything yet, she is not dating anyone, mom started to bring in foster kids last summer, and daughter has to help mom with mom's 2 kids from her current marrige and the foster kids that i think theres 2 now.
Daughter is willing to say she will come over in a bus if she needs to, and we want to know if dad just tells mom this weekend that daughter is staying for good.  Will he dad be arrested. will there be any court problems?