My Step Doughter in Cutting herself....Help!

[worried_step_mom]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffc000]MomofTwo[/HIGHLIGHT]: I am sorry you miss understood what the situation is.  The only "assuming" anything towards the mom is you. 
Yes, the counselors we spoke to did NOT speak to "OUR" daughter, we spoke to the counselor so we can have an idea this whole situation was about.  I dont know about you but personally i have never dealt with anyone cutting themselfs, this has never been a topic that both my huband and i have never come across.  I do belive that talking to a professional was the best thing we could do at the time. We are just tring to learn and understand "OUR' daughter situation.  Like i mention before:
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If everything works out, we will be getting a counselor next week.  We want her to get help, if something comes up in the session we will deal with it then. Press charges if we need to. Our main objective is to remove her from the situation/enviroment that is causing her feel like cutting is the answer.
[/quote]
We are taking this very seriously. WE are pass the point to try to get answers from mom.  If she wants to talk she can do all the talking she want to the mediator or judge, she can give them the reason/excuse/accusation there.  We will not be confronting the mom, we will let that courts take care of it. Dad has been there her whole life and has been paying and does not owe any back child support. (in case you were already thinking the worst of him). She is the adult and parent, she schould have notified dad the moment she found out.  Just make it a point to blame him for everything else that 'OUR' daughter does, (e.i. daughters first kiss: mom blamed dad "she is missing a father figuer").  WE are positive that if it had anything to do with dad or my self, mom would have pointed that finger right away.
If once "OUR" daughter speakes to the counselor and anthing comes up like abuse in any way, shape, or form WE WILL PRESS CHARGES. Yes, that could include negligent. 

Either way the most important thing now is to protect OUR DAUGHTER. She comes first. The reason of the cutting, we can figuer that out later.

** by your personal attacks to me: i will assume that you are one of them people that assume that the MOM is always right, that she is the angle and that there is nothing she can do wrong.  Well let me you in on a little secret MOM's = human, make mistakes too, just check the cementaries, hospitals, jails, and child servises. They are full of kids/adults that MOM's and every adult in there life ignored or excused the initial red flag with 'oh, its just a fase, she/he will grow out of it'.

I am a mother too, my husband and i have a boy.  I sure as hell hope that if my son has problems later in life that some will lisen to him.  We all as mother pray and do our best, but sometimes life doesn't work that way.

ps: even if i did not give birth to her she is still MY daughter too.  When my husband and i married she became my daughter too, and I love her just like she was own if not more.  I accepted her completly, some family you are born into and then theres the family that is a special gift from God.

[MomofTwo]

I understand emotionally you feel she is your daughter, however, legally speaking she is not and you have no bearing LEGALLY.   Not only is she not legally your daughter, if you go into a court room spewing OUR daughter WE felt , YOU could hurt your husbands chances.

I understand you are frustrated at the situation, but posting here and then replying back confrontationally to someone because they view it from a different perspective is not beneficial.

Cutting is a self inficted injury. For you to press charges when Mom has sought counseling and treatment for a year, well, you would have to prove negligence on not only Mom, but the mental health professional she is obtaining treatment from.  You would have to get other mental health professionals to testify that the treatment that therapist is rendering was not in accordance with the American Psychiatric's scope of treatment and therefore put the daughter at risk. 

I NEVER attacked you. I NEVER blamed Dad and no, I am not a Mom is always right person.  I do know however that with this situation cutting is often the result of emotions that they feel they cannot deal with. The cutting is an emotional and physical release for the person doing it.  For you to automatically blame Mom demonstrates you have no knowledge about a cutter and their  thought process and yes, unfortunately, I do have experience related to this.  If often is not one issue they cannot deal with, it is multiple, and is usually emotionally based. 

I stand by the fact that the parents need to work together for this child.   

[Kitty C.]

So you don't think this child is in danger??  And how can the parents work together when one parent refuses to?

[MomofTwo]

and by Dad not discussing it with Mom when he did find out perpetuates the situation.  You can't blame one person for not talking when the other one is doing the exact same thing.  Making threats of custodial interference and police scenes and charges, how is that going to help a child who can't deal with emotions now.  This child NEEDS to see a calm collective response to this, she needs to see her parents working together for HER benefit. 

Dad did not confront Mom to get the story.   I absolutely recgonize Mom should have discussed this with him, this is serioius. You are all assuming Mom is hiding something. maybe she is, maybe she isn't. I dont know. Th child herself did not discuss this with him. I don't get how you are all blaming Mom when it took the child over a year to be able to talk to her Dad.   However, him talking to mental health professionals not involved with no understanding of why she is doing this, is not helpful to that child. It does give him an understanding of cutting, but you have to get to the root cause of THAT childs reasoning and thinking which a therapist cannot do by listening to the Dad and step Mom and not evaluating the child.

Mom needs to be talked to about what she knows and why Dad wasn't talked to.  Dad also needs to take his court orders giving him legal access to the therapist involved and talk to her to get the accurate information from the therapist about why she is doing this.  Until he knows why, you can't blame Mom.  Mom, Dad, and child need to go to counseling together.

I can't imagine what a court room scene, a police scene, would emotionally do to this child.  A collective calmer approach needs to be taken FIRST, or at least an attempt at it.  If Dad talks to Mom (sorry, step Mom again should not be involved in that discussion), and Mom refuses, he needs to let her know he will pursue it, the child wants to be with him, but cooler heads need to prevail in this situation as a first attempt for the CHILDS sake.

[Kitty C.]

Well then, I'm glad I won't be around if and when Dad does talk to Mom about it, because I seriously doubt there will be a 'calm, collective response' from the BM.  And as for going to another therapist, what is wrong with getting a second opinion, because this is exactly what Dad appears to be looking for.  ANY new therapist will not know what is going on until they are able to gather the information from all parties available.  IF all Dad can get out of a therapist is a better understanding of what is going on and how he should handle the situation, that's more than he had before.  And you can't get blood from a turnip....if someone doesn't want to give up information, whether it be the BM or the therapist currently seeing the child, they won't unless court-ordered and sometimes even then all the information might not come out. 

Obviously in this case, they are way beyond the 'first attempt' and Dad is now forced into a position of gathering information in any way he can and save his child by any means available to him.  And why would you 'assume' the child would be present in a court or police scene?  I would think you would give those professionals more credit than that because unless the judge insisted the child be present in court or the child was in imminent danger and the cops were called to the scene, that is the only way she would be exposed. 

But the thing everyone needs to understand is that when certain wheels are set in motion within the system, you relinquish all control over it and if the authorities deem it necessary within the law to act in a certain way, you have no say-so over it.  To give an example, we all know many states have DV laws that require an arrest to be made when cops are called to the scene.....whether the purported victim intended that to happen or not.  In this case, it doesn't look like it is the intention of Dad to push to have BM arrested for anything...at this time, but if it were to come out somewhere along the line that the courts and/or LE that the BM has committed an illegal act, obviously Dad will support an arrest.

[ocean]

I agree with you to a point. This "child" is almost 18 and in a few months can walk out of moms house anyway (if not sooner depending on the laws). Yes, she needs help but if Dad goes to Mom now there is a good possibility that she will not allow daughter to go their this weekend. The daughter asked her dad for help and to be able to stay there for a while. When she gets to their house, THEN dad can call mom and tell her what is happening and that child wants to stay and take it from there while he can control the situation. Maybe the cutting was under control for a while and she recently just went back... I understand you are very mad with BM right now for not telling you, but you do need to find out her version of the story. Do you have her e-mail? Maybe after she is with you, you can email her and say things came out this weekend........That way emotions are not yelling at each other. Ask if she knows the reasons for her cutting and that daughter would prefer to stay with you. It will take weeks of therapy, especially with someone new for her to trust and relax and really open up about what emotionally is going on. Teenagers have a lot going through their heads and some of this might be from friends and school.

I dont think they will be able to charge her with anything since she is in counseling and really the therapist is on the line now. The therapist is legally responsible to call if she felt daughter was in danger.

I would still HIGHLY suggest calling the old counselor and telling her you are the legal father and there is a situation that you need help with this weekend. If that doesnt work, send her a certified letter with the same information. If daughter goes before she comes, tell her to tell therapist that it is okay to talk to dad (not sure if she has to be 18 or not). 

Be prepared for daughter to come to you but then not want to follow rules. She is coming with a lot of emotional baggage. Be ready to have support her but to have clear house rules.

[Kitty C.]

'If daughter goes before she comes, tell her to tell therapist that it is okay to talk to dad (not sure if she has to be 18 or not).'

Per HIPPA, she does have to be 18.  Once she turns 18, she MUST give written permission for anyone else to have access to records or contact any provider regarding her case.  This applies to all educational, medical, and legal issues.

[worried_step_mom]

Thank all you so much for all the advise.

There are a couple of things that i want to address:
First I DO know my part in this whole situation. I have never once said anything about me being LEGALLY involved. I been honest about how I feel and I will not apoligize for loving "OUR" daughter.  I will do anything for my family and that completely includes my STEP-DAUGHTER (just to make u happy).  I am not in anyway tring to push my self to court and speak for dad, but I am his wife. I will gather all the information  (hence why i am in this site) he needs to go in to court ready. I will also support my husband  every step on the way, just like i will support and help our daughter with anything she needs.  I KNOW i am not her mom by birth but once she is in my home my role as STEP_MOM will beco a big part.
We will be sending daughter to a counselor and once the mom starts the drama in court, dad will request all info he can from the counselor she is speaking with now.

Bottom line with the mom is that...talking to her (even being civil) is little nail on a board, or getting a root canal.
They way dad and I see this is that mom had about a year to talk about the situation.  Dad is not consern in anyway about mom nor her feelings, all he is seeing is his daughter, "daughter is hurting, she asked for help" Like i said before all the excuses on why it was not told to dad and why daughter is cutting is relevent and can be discussed at court,
where it will only be mom and dad.
We have thought about every senerio and we have plan a , b , c on most of them.
Our first and only consern is our daughter.  She will not be seeing the whole drama. We will not be exchanging a single word with mom.    Dad will talk to daughter, ask her if this is what SHE want, if she is ready for change its going to take.  If/When daughter says yes. Dad will call mom and tell her, daughter is staying here, she asked to stay and she will stay here now.  Daughter will be in a different part of the hm with family watching a movie, if cops come they will be welcomed in the hm only. dad talks to them they talk to daughter and make a deceision.
We dont want her to see anything, dad will tell her that he will deal with the fall out. NOT her.

As far as mom, she can deal with the courts.

Yes, we do not know the reason on why she is cutting, it could be mom, the home, friends, attention, dad...ect....
But either way she is asking for help. and she is CUTTING and it is serious that needs to be addressed and treated.  Daughter is asking dad for help, his only option is to help.

[Kitty C.]

There is no reason to fear or believe that the cops will come to your door, even if the BM reports it to them.  Most often, all they can tell the complaintant is that it is a civil matter and to take it up with their atty.  If they do show it, it probably would be in the vein of a welfare check, just to see that she is there and she is okay. 

BT, DT and we actually handled it all by phone....but then it's a small community and I personally knew and worked occasionally with the deputy involved.

[worried_step_mom]

Thank you Kitty.

I know its going to be hard on the mom, i dont mean to sound coldhearted towards her.  I have spent the last weeks tring to put myself in her shoes and i just cant get to anything that would stop me from telling the dad if it was me.

I finally decided to advise dad to let the court handle it.  He was ready to go confront / scream / pull daughter from home. He was just upset and hurt. I stopped him from doing all that in order not to have his daughter see and be in a tug a war with them.  I feel its safer and calmer this way.

I do pray that you are correct and the cops are not called. The less messier the better.  Either way is going to tough on all daughter, dad, and mom and all the family.