My Step Doughter in Cutting herself....Help!

[worried_step_mom]

hi, i am new to this site, hopefully i can find the answers i'm looking for.

My step daughter is cutting her self, she is 17 1/2, she told her dad on memorial day weekend when she came. She had been going to counseling for about a year now. The mom told dad that it was because she tried weed once.  Well when our daughter told her dad, she said that cutting was the reason why mom have her start counseling. (about a year ago) still to this day mom has not mentioned anything to dad.  We have taken these couple of weeks to talk to counselors before she comes over again.  Every one is telling us that we need to get her out NOW! That the fact that she went straight to dad was a HUGE cry for help.  How can we get her out?  Mom will flip, phys and counselor told us that she might be hiding something from dad and thats propably the reason that it has not been mention.  There is no exsiting custody order in court, custody was never established.  My husband pays child support and is not late.

please anyone help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(State:California)

[ocean]

Will daughter come willingly to you? At 17 1/2 you wont be in court soon enough before she is 18.
Can you talk to her current therapist? I would start there. Tell her what she said and that you are very concerned. Therapists are mandatory reporters and if she feels she is in danger she will call CPS.

[worried_step_mom]

our daughter told her dad that she want to stay with us.  We don't want to wait to long to get her out.  Once she is out we will do the paper work at court if need be.  Our main problem is dealing with mom, the guilt that she has put of daughter of even mention to her that she want to live with dad.

[ocean]

Have you talked to her therapist? You need to hear what is going on (the full story) if the therapist will even talk in detail with you. But you can say, just listen to what I have to say and use it with her in therapy. I would encourage her to talk to the therapist about recent events. When is her next appointment? Can you go?

At 17 1/2 she can choose to go to you herself pretty much. Legally, you could try and and get emergency temporary custody. You can do this at family court in one day. You present your evidence and see what the judge says. Can she get to your house on her own? Will she call you to come and get her?

She sounds like she needs help and you need to be ready to get it for her. Will mom be willing to get her in a treatment program for a few weeks? Why is she cutting? Friends at school, depressed, boyfriends?

[worried_step_mom]

The counselor the she is going to was appointed by mom, she wont talk to the dad.  I am assuming that daughter has talked to the counselor about it, we do know that the counselor meets with mom at no cost after daughters session.  It is all to fishy.  We took these last couple of weeks to get mentally and physically prepared for her.  We want to welcome her to our home with open arms.
As far as whyshe is doing it, we have not gotten anything yet, she is not dating anyone, mom started to bring in foster kids last summer, and daughter has to help mom with mom's 2 kids from her current marrige and the foster kids that i think theres 2 now.
Daughter is willing to say she will come over in a bus if she needs to, and we want to know if dad just tells mom this weekend that daughter is staying for good.  Will he dad be arrested. will there be any court problems?

[ocean]

Usually the police will ask your SD to go back home and if she says no, she wants to stay there they will file a report and tell mom to go to court. At 17 1/2 BM will not have too much of a say if it goes to court.

If your husband has joint legal custody now, he can call the therapist, fax over custody orders, and ask to speak to her. Not sure, but your daughter may even be allowed to give her the right to talk to you guys too.

I wonder if you called your local police department general number and ask "what if this would to happen, how do you respond to an almost 18 year old?" The local laws change depending on where you live.


Have her pack whatever she wants for this weekend because BM will probably not allow her back in for a while. Enough clothes for a while, her essentials. If she does stay, have an appoint ready with a therapist for early next week. You can always cancel.

Good luck...

[worried_step_mom]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]Thank you so much[/HIGHLIGHT]....we have been really nervous about the whole situation.

If everything works out, we will be getting a counselor next week.  We want her to get help, if something comes up in the session we will deal with it then. Press charges if we need to. Our main objective is to remove her from the situation/enviroment that is causing her feel like cutting is the answer.

All the family on this side is standing behind our daughter and us 110%, and i hope that help her too.

We have a lot of work and hard times ahead of us, but thank you so much for giving me the tools to move foward and do what is best for our daughter.

Thanks to this site i was able to express my problems with out the fear of judgment, and i was able to get the answers we needed, that helps alot.
[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]May God Bless You[/HIGHLIGHT].

[MomofTwo]

Press charges against who...Mom??? For what? Cutting is a self inflicted wound. You are blaming Mom and you have no facts.

Cutting is a serious issue.  Why do you automatically assume it is Mom's fault? Maybe Mom didn't talk to Dad because their child (sorry, she is not yours) asked Mom not to.   I think it is great she talked to her Dad and is seeking help, but so did Mom.  She HAS been in counseling so Mom did not ignore whatever she was going through.  Additionally, it is very common for a counselor/therapist to talk to the parents following a session as they will try to devise a plan to help the child based on the session.  It is not suspicious in the least.   If there are  no custody orders then if paternity has been legally established, she can go to Dad. If there are orders, I don't agree with advocating custodial interference, no matter the age.   I do think she clearly needs help, I don't think the blame game will be beneficial at all.  She herself did not confide in Dad till now.  You don't know why she is cutting, yet you are determined to remove her from the situation. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with Mom. Maybe she has coping issues. Maybe she feels torn between her parents.  Maybe, the best place to start is with the counselor who has been treating her and go from there. Maybe Mom Dad and child need to attend family counseling and work through this.

I applaud you for wanting to help, but you need to let Mom, Dad and child work through this and not do that by attacking Mom when you have no basis to do that.  Dad needs to have a very open discussion with his daughter and the counselor.

[Kitty C.]

Momoftwo, if you read the previous posts from the OP, she says that the current therapist will not discuss the situation with the father.  And it also sounds like BM hasn't talked to Dad about it because she is purposely trying to keep it a secret.  The OP mentions that SD cannot even talk to her mom about wanting to stay with Dad, so there's heavy duty issues going on there, too.  For BM to keep this from Dad is a HUGE red flag and for SD to come to her dad and stepmom and tell them what is going on is like SD shouting for help.  For this child's safety, she needs to get out of BM's house...NOW.  I agree that custodial interference is not a good idea....BUT when the safety of the child is at stake, that flies right out the window.

This is the way I see it:  this has been going on for a year and BM is purpopsely keeping it from Dad, which tells me that the issues of why SD is cutting could very well be coming from BM's. You can about guarantee that if the BM thought issues from Dad's house were the cause, he would have found out RIGHT away. Obviously SD is going through so much at BM's that she sees cutting as her only outlet.  It's also possible that her stress was compounded by the knowledge that she could NOT tell her dad about it.  The only bone I can throw to BM is at least she is taking SD to a therapist, but even that is fishy if the therapist refuses to allow Dad to participate.  Given that SD is so close to 18, the best that Dad could do in the courts is file for emergency custody based upon SD's confession.  And if SD wants to be with Dad bad enough, it sounds like she will find a way to get there.  I also understand that it would depend on the jurisdiction, but even if BM reported Dad for interference and the cops showed up, it's a very good possibility that they will not remove SD.......for a couple reasons:  one, she has made the decision herself that she wants to be there and two, the cutting issue is severe enough that if they were called to the BM's home regarding it, it's very possible they would remove SD from that home anyway.

All I can say is thank God the child DID speak up, because she could have done that with just about anyone.  Obviously she isn't getting any help from the therapist, or this still wouldn't be an issue.  So whether she tells Dad, or a teacher, or counselor, or someone else she trusts is now a moot point.  It appears she trusts Dad enough to tell him and that is HUGE, given the dynamics between the homes.

As for pressing charges, it all depends on the jurisdiction.  Depending on how the system works in the area they're in, and if local law enforcement deem the BM having been negligent in obtaining proper care (counseling for a year with no obvious results doesn't constitute as proper care), the LEA may require that charges be filed.  No one can know that for sure unless that comes up.  I'm sure that is NOT something that Dad and stepmom want to do, but you always have to remember that it might be a possibility.  All one can do is pray that it doesn't get to that point.  But if Dad obtains another therapist, the history leading up to this point will come out and that therapist will be obligated by law to report if it is required by law in their jurisdiction.  Once that happens, the system takes over and if it is deemed criminal, it then is in the hands of the local LEA.

[MomofTwo]

Kitty,
I don't disagree with any of what you wrote. However, all things considered, I think it is extremely important that without knowing the root cause for this self infliction to be occuring  it is dangerous to be doing the blame game.  Lack of co-parenting, blame games, feeling isolated, .... this could be exactly what has contributed to this.  Cutting is a symptom.

We don't know why the daughter waited a year to talk to Dad (one could speculate she was fearful of him or felt he was part of the issue), we don't know that the child's current counseling was ineffective - maybe that counseling has prevented her from doing more serious harm to herself.  We don't know why Mom didn't talk to Dad.  We don't know that the child was the one who didn't want him to know.  We don't know any of this.   Why didn't Dad talk to Mom when he found this out instead of going to different counselors who have never seen the child or treated her ? A counselor can only speculate based on what you tell them. It is not a diagnosis, it is not factual.   Any mental health professional who advises you the child is in danger or blames Mom without ever having peformed a full evaluation is crossing a professional and ethical line.

It is never acceptable to render a diagnosis and treatment without having evaluated the patient.  Dad needs to go to the counselor with the court orders in hand giving him legal access and demand to talk to the therapist. SM posted there are no court orders. Maybe that is why the therapist refused to talk to him.  Talking to other therapist is totally ineffectual since they have never seen or diagnosed the child.

My only suggestion was and is for this child's parents to start working together for the sake of their child.  I can't imagine what a scene with the police being involved would further do to this child.    Instead of talking to everyone else about it, maybe Dad should have talked to Mom.  The blame game without any knowledge about why this was occuring is dangerous.  Mom and Dad need to both stop what they are doing and work together.