Messages

I totally agree with Ocean.  A child psychologist needs to be involved in a big way.  The things is parental alienation (while not yet accepted by the courts as such) is EMOTIONAL ABUSE.  Let the psychologist determine what type of contact your sd should have with mom and until then I would cut off contact with mom or at least get it down to a minimum. 

Mom is unstable by the sound of it and using the child to further her own ends and the major issue is that this kind of behaviour severely destabilizes the child.  I am speaking from experience on this issue.  My oldest daughter has severe emotional issues because of PAS and the reality is that she is going to spend her adult life working overtime to overcome them or find that her relationships are hindered. 

But to get the base coverage won't she need to have a military dependent's id for her son?  How does she get that without the dad getting it for her?

If he is getting the extra pay for dependents then he has no reason whatsoever not to be paying child support.  He has to know not paying c.s. is going to result in them taking his pay for every month he has not paid on top of the current amount he will be set to pay.  Its not making much sense.

Do you think it is safe for your daughter to have contact with her mother though?  I know your going to say no, and its the right thing to do.  The therapist is good to act as a neutral party on your daughter's behalf.  For you and your kids I can't wait till this is over.

Your kids are caught in the middle and without someone who is neutral to serve as an intermediary your hands are tied.  I don't think contact with mom is a good idea because she is not fighting for the kids she is fighting for control. 

In many states you can't listen in on the phone calls, you can't record them, so you have no way of protecting the kids from harm.  This mom has already pushed abuse stories, she is doing whatever she can to win.  The kids are "collateral damage". 

I still think you are right to stand your ground.  She is not likely to sign your agreement, but and this is JMO but she may be thinking she can use this to show that she tried to work it out with you amicably thinking it could go in her favor, or she could be worried about the fact that you have the CPS worker set to testify.

Have you looked into the psychologist yet?

But in this case dad is in the same state currently, and no child support has been paid.  If there is currently no order for custody or support how do you think this will effect her? 

I still can't find the code on it so I clearly don't have my facts straight.  I did some research on the net and found that it remains an issue however.  Most of the issues are that soldiers are losing "custody" of their children while deployed.  I think the fact that this is an ongoing issue contradicts my own statements that a soldier can not have custody of his or her children.

What I found as a contracted employee working with Army personnel is that custody of children was a common factor in discharging people.  It was almost as common as kicking people out over their weight.  I left my job as a contractor in 1998 and my husband etsed in 2002.  This was still going on in 2002 as we had a female friend who ended up giving up custody of her daughter to the father to keep from being forced out during this period. 

What the father of the child who is the subject of this particular topic can do is gain custody of the child as long as he has someone to legally take custody of the child when he is on duty that does not permit dependents to accompany him.  In this case I suspect he would choose his mother over the child's mom. 

So the question in this particular case is does this mom have a chance at retaining primary physical custody of the child?  The fact that she is unemployed could go against her, but the fact that she has always had primary physical custody of the child with the exception of a two month visit in which the child was in the sole care of his father should weigh in her favor. 

We got out in 2002 and they were still kicking people out who had sole custody.  So if you have something different I would love to see it.  The majority of the soldiers they forced out were female, so you are suggesting something that I know for a fact was not being enforced. 

Geez this is almost as bad as it was in MD.  They actually schedule the cases for divorce/child custody around the criminal hearings.  So you can go in for your divorce hearing and have a murder trial take place with the same judge right after you and if its before you forget having your case heard that day.

You sound like you have been accomodating this man for a long while.  Now you need to start covering your own arse and stop doing anything without having a written order of agreement between you and him.

He absolutely can not get custody of your son while he is on active duty status.  It is that way because if a soldier is sent off to war their children can keep the military from deploying them, and the military doesn't like that at all.  He can actually be forced out of the military (they call it failure to adjust) if he has sole custody of his son.  He would be required to sign custody of his son over to someone else, and it sounds like that may be what he is going to use his mom for.

Usually when someone you have gotten along well with in sharing a child suddenly changes their course its because someone is putting stuff into their heads.  But he could be worried about the fact that with a child in the military he will have to have the payments removed from his pay.  And the housing allowance is a real issue, but its not the end of the world.

Do not do anymore visitations until you have an order for visitation in place, just for your own safety.  If mom is calling CPS then they may be looking for an opportunity to pull the floor out from under you.  Stay neutral through the whole thing and let him have phone contact with his son.  Keep records of when he calls to talk to his son and when he makes any requests.  Also keep records of all times CPS is called or his mom tries to make life hard for you.

Its a just in case thing.  Child support in Cali is total crap, and I say that with all sincerity.  In my own view it violates the rights of both parties.  I promise you he will calm down after you have an order of visitation and contact court ordered and he knows what his child support payment will be.  You just stay calm and neutral with him.  Do not run him through the ringer or try to get more money out of him than you are entitled to.  You don't want to drive your son's father away.  You just want to do what is fair to him, you and your child.

Keep in touch so we can be here for you.  And good luck!