Oh my GOODNESS! Loosing my mind!

[CartersMom0905]

So since I'm brand new to all of this mess, I thought I'd share with you all my first court house experience, just for giggles. This was great(so being sarcastic right now lol)
So I start my day by going to a consultation with a lawyer, get my feet wet, find out options right? She tells me she wants $3,500 up front, so I laughed my way out of the office... walked on down to the court house. Found a service that helps low income people with family law issues. Waited 45 mins to be seen, but that's fine, it's free, I'm not complaining.
   At this point a sweet woman hands me packets to fill out, and example packets identical the the paper work telling me exactly what to mark, where to mark it, what to fill out... yadda, yadda, yadda. Tells me to fill it out, come back and she'll go through it with me.
   So I take my paper work, and my "how to fill out custody orders for dummies" packet, find a cozy corner and spend another hour filling it all out to the T.
   Take it back to the SAME woman, who says to me, "I'm sorry, we're not going over papers with people today, take this to the clerk and try to file it, and if there's anything wrong she'll mark it for you to fix."
   So I walk down to the clerk, give her my packet that I filled out EXACTLY as the packet showed me to do, and she proceeds to yellow mark EVERY stinkin page and tab ever single page for missing or wrong information. Tells me to fix it and bring it back.
  So I spend another hour, fix every thing as she asked, and take it back AGAIN... and you guys are gonna love this part.. you ready for this... it's like the punch line....

   She looks at my work, types something in the computer and says,"Did you know that your ex already filed this paper work?"

Yeah, seriously lol. So I tell her I didn't know that, because I didn't of course. And then find out he filed it September of last year and has up to three years to serve me which he hasn't done yet obviously because I had no clue about it. So I'm near tears at this point, and she says to me that I have to fill out a different set of papers all together. Then she says, "Oh wait, you can just go ahead and file your papers and the judge can just combine the two cases." I asked her if she was sure, postive, that would be okay, and she confirms it. Then tells me that I need to make two copies of everything after making the corrections(Keep in mind when I say I'm broke, I mean I have $10 in my purse, and $1.33 in the bank and that's it!) and that copies are 50 cents per side. I need 26 copies.
    So I make the corrections, lucky enough to borrow money from a friend that was helping me, make my copies, then make my way back to the window with my now perfectly filled out forms and my two copies of everything, relieved because it's done. Hand in my papers and wait for the clerk.
   Who comes out and tells me,"Did you know that your ex already filed these papers?" lol. So I go through the whole song and dance again, only this time she tells me, "Sorry the other clerk was mistaken, you can't do it that way. What you have to fill out is a response to his petition."
   She hands me this new packet to fill out... then closes her window, and shuts off the lights in the office because at this point, the court house is now closed......


    So the whole day spent and one massive headache later, and I literally got NOTHING at all done. This whole day feels like one big punch line.
Is it always like this guys? Do I really have years of this to look forward to? How do you all do it with out going nuts?

Anyways, just thought I'd share that fun experience with you since it was a first for me, and I have a feeling that some of you have been there before.


I'll look back on this and laugh someday right?
-Sharon

[mafitz]

Ouch!  Yeah it can be like that, unless you aren't in the poverty guidelines and not making enough to actually pay for the attorney then it actually gets worse for you.

Its all about paperwork and copies but 26 seems high to me?!?  So your ex filled out paperwork for what?  Custody or child support?  Did you request copies of what he filed?  Just curious to see what he is saying.  Sorry my case involved an ex mother in law and grandmother in law that were evil, so the mention of his mother on the other thread got my alarm bells ringing.

[MixedBag]

If you use the "package" that's handed to you by a court that I know -- yes, it's quite book.  and 99% of it is not applicable if you're already divorced IMHO.

CM -- Good luck!

[CartersMom0905]

   He filed paperwork for full custody. I'm guessing because it was last September that this was when he was about to go into boot camp. That was the first time we had trouble with custody, and the only time other than now. He had my son for two months because he said he was going into boot and wanted to spend time with him, and I didn't see a problem with it at all, after all he'd be gone for three months and they'd both miss each other like crazy. But then the weeks dragged into months, and when I finally put my foot down after finding out that he wouldn't be going to boot until the following February, I went to go pick up my son and had to get the police involved. He told me when I picked him up that he wouldn't let me have our son until I signed some paper saying I'd bring him back and that the corp told him he had to do it this way or he'd get in trouble. I told him that I'd never heard of the Marine corps asking anything like that and refused to sign the paper and ended up having to call the police in the end to get the baby.

  He's never asked for child support, but I hadn't either until recently. It's always been that I had a job and he didn't, so it didn't make sense to me to make him pay something he didn't have. But now the roles are reversed, and he's in a good position financially, and I just lost my job to down sizing a couple of months ago and I'm having a hard time finding a new one. I wouldn't ask for it at all if it weren't for the fact that I have to put food on the table, and make sure the lights stay on some how, and it doesn't seem right that he hasn't had to pay a dime in the past two years. He'll spend money on our son, but it's things like when he got out of boot camp, he bought him a Wii... our son is three, has no idea how to play it, and it stays with dad, so I have the feeling that dad really bought it more for himself. But if he can come out of boot and spend $400 on a Wii and another $400 on an Xbox and then another $300 on a cell phone, then he can certainly afford to send a little money to make sure our son is taken care of.

   I didn't request a copy of his papers, I didn't know I could do that, I wish I had. I don't know if you read my other post, but I recently had a knock on my door from CPS, and I'm almost positive it was my mother in law that called. Which is crazy because A. There's nothing wrong with my house, and broke or not I always make sure the kiddo is taken care of. And B. She's never even set foot in this house(I'm living with my mother right now and they don't get along, so I don't know how she can make any claims about the condition of the house).The social worker came through, looked at everything, went through my fridge and cupboards, and said there was plenty of food, fresh fruits, veggies, milk... everything, and the house was clean. It was a surprise visit so I wasn't dressed and kiddo wasn't dressed, but it was a lazy morning and he had just had a nosebleed so we were hanging out cuddled up watching cartoons until he felt better. When the social worker left, he said there was nothing wrong with this house and it seemed like a person just being vindictive.
The 26 copies I had to make were the total for having to make two copies of the paper work, which was 13 pages total, have to count both sides. I wish I had known before I turned it all in that I didn't have to spend $13 on copies though.
 
  And I did notice that a lot of what they needed filled out didn't apply to me at all because we were never married, so it made it really hard to fill out right because I didn't know or didn't have the answers to most of the question they were asking.

  Right now he's being really nice, he's sick and not feeling good this weekend and always has a tendency to want me to baby him when he doesn't feel good, seperated or not lol. So he's playing nice because he's feeling pretty crummy, and says we'll take care of all the paper work and not to worry that he'll bring a check this weekend when he comes down and that he's sorry and he knows it's hard to take care of the kiddo by myself. But I worry because that's just this week. I don't know how I can trust a man who once loved me, but is now secretly filing paper work behind my back to take our son from me

-Sharon

         "I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

[mafitz]

You sound like you have been accomodating this man for a long while.  Now you need to start covering your own arse and stop doing anything without having a written order of agreement between you and him.

He absolutely can not get custody of your son while he is on active duty status.  It is that way because if a soldier is sent off to war their children can keep the military from deploying them, and the military doesn't like that at all.  He can actually be forced out of the military (they call it failure to adjust) if he has sole custody of his son.  He would be required to sign custody of his son over to someone else, and it sounds like that may be what he is going to use his mom for.

Usually when someone you have gotten along well with in sharing a child suddenly changes their course its because someone is putting stuff into their heads.  But he could be worried about the fact that with a child in the military he will have to have the payments removed from his pay.  And the housing allowance is a real issue, but its not the end of the world.

Do not do anymore visitations until you have an order for visitation in place, just for your own safety.  If mom is calling CPS then they may be looking for an opportunity to pull the floor out from under you.  Stay neutral through the whole thing and let him have phone contact with his son.  Keep records of when he calls to talk to his son and when he makes any requests.  Also keep records of all times CPS is called or his mom tries to make life hard for you.

Its a just in case thing.  Child support in Cali is total crap, and I say that with all sincerity.  In my own view it violates the rights of both parties.  I promise you he will calm down after you have an order of visitation and contact court ordered and he knows what his child support payment will be.  You just stay calm and neutral with him.  Do not run him through the ringer or try to get more money out of him than you are entitled to.  You don't want to drive your son's father away.  You just want to do what is fair to him, you and your child.

Keep in touch so we can be here for you.  And good luck!

[MixedBag]

Mafiz.....I think you better get your facts straight.

Retired military here -- that means I served 20 years on active duty.

Your facts are wrong.

There's NOTHING that prevents a military person from getting custody and as a matter of fact, MANY states have included special paragraphs to protect the service members and their right to be a parent to their children.

ON THE FLIP SIDE -- during the years when I was a single parent, I had to have a package ready and uptodate which contained a plan for another adult to take care of my dependents both short term and long term -- which included shot records, birth certificates, and powers of attorneys for both my girls.

There was a time where a single parent could not enlist -- then the policy changed and it was because the military needed folks, so they allowed single parents to join.  No idea what the policy is today.

[mafitz]

We got out in 2002 and they were still kicking people out who had sole custody.  So if you have something different I would love to see it.  The majority of the soldiers they forced out were female, so you are suggesting something that I know for a fact was not being enforced. 

[MixedBag]

I was a single mother for several years twice during my 20 year career.

Neither time was I pressured or did anyone hint at forcing me out.

Part of my job was also "recruiting" in the sense that we qualfied folks to come into the Air Force.

For many years we were not allowed to accept single parents -- but some time during the years from 1996-2000, that changed because recruiters were having a hard time meeting their goals.

Then the tide changed after 9/11 -- because recruiters were overwhelmed.

It's a matter of policy for each branch of service -- there's nothing in Title 10 that says a single parent may not service.

For many years NEW recruits who were single parents had to give permanent guardianship to someone else in order to enlist.  There could be no hint of the child returning.  BUT once I was on active duty, I could have as many children as I wanted.

[mafitz]

I still can't find the code on it so I clearly don't have my facts straight.  I did some research on the net and found that it remains an issue however.  Most of the issues are that soldiers are losing "custody" of their children while deployed.  I think the fact that this is an ongoing issue contradicts my own statements that a soldier can not have custody of his or her children.

What I found as a contracted employee working with Army personnel is that custody of children was a common factor in discharging people.  It was almost as common as kicking people out over their weight.  I left my job as a contractor in 1998 and my husband etsed in 2002.  This was still going on in 2002 as we had a female friend who ended up giving up custody of her daughter to the father to keep from being forced out during this period. 

What the father of the child who is the subject of this particular topic can do is gain custody of the child as long as he has someone to legally take custody of the child when he is on duty that does not permit dependents to accompany him.  In this case I suspect he would choose his mother over the child's mom. 

So the question in this particular case is does this mom have a chance at retaining primary physical custody of the child?  The fact that she is unemployed could go against her, but the fact that she has always had primary physical custody of the child with the exception of a two month visit in which the child was in the sole care of his father should weigh in her favor. 

[grtdaddy]

California law.


3047. A party's absence, relocation, or failure to comply with
custody and visitation orders shall not, by itself, be sufficient to
justify a modification of a custody or visitation order if the reason
for the absence, relocation, or failure to comply is the party's
activation to military service and deployment out of state