Messages

"I know this sounds harsh but if there is anyway you can make it in PA, he has the best shot at staying in their daily lives." in response to this statement- no it's not harsh, but I think you have to understand my husband has tried for over 5 years to find permanent work in PA and it is just not happening.  He as a manager for a restaurant but was demoted because he started looking for work outside the industry he was in.  I feel he has given it his all here, and has stayed here longer then he would of because of the children.  His former wife is way too involved with our lives and tries to be very controlling.  This is another reason why we decided to start looking outside of our current state.  Everything fell into place for my new position.  We will be staying with a member of my husband's extended family.  I am looking forward to the change and so is my husband.

Like I said before, we both realized he is going to have to go in front of a judge.  I just resent the involvement of his brother and sister in law.  They have made all these false allegations- and I was not able to even go in and defend myself, which frustrates me to no end.  I am worried about the children- worried that their mother will put all this negative information in their heads- poisoning them against him- she did this when they were still married.  I am worried about them having to spend time with her boyfriend who hits them-

Update:  Result of mediation hearing, on to a hearing before a judge, which we both expected.  What we did not expect is 1) even though you are not "allowed" to have a lawyer with you during a mediation hearing, his former wife did and he was not told about it.  2)  Once again, his brother and sister in law attacked his personal character and accused him of things he has not done.  After almost 2 years of no contact with the children- they got together with them for supposedly three hours- and now they know the children inside and out.  I was not allowed into this hearing, which I expected as well.  I knew they were going to attack him and of course, I would defend him and they did not want that.  They tried to have the children taken away from him for the remainder of his parenting time with them, and that was refused because of the current custody order, which states 50/50 custody.  It's just horrible that they would try to take the children away on his last weekend with them before we leave. 

We will probably be coming back up to PA in November or December for the hearing. 

I agree Ocean, the whole situation is a hard case.  The mediator even stated to my husband that he was in for a long fight, which is sad.  Everyone seems to forget that everything done is for the best interest of the children.  The best interest of the children includes both parents being involved with the children's lives.  I personally am a child of divorce, so I know what it is like to not have one parent on a full time basis. Not due to a move, but due to the fact when my parents got together, it became World War III. I lived with my father for four years, and my mother bowed out at that point, stating she did not want to be a part time mother.  At the time, that comment hurt. I was 13.  Now, I understand what she meant better.  She felt she was doing what was in my best interest, because my father was never going to stop degrading her and making negative comments and poisoning my mind against her, even though the custody order states not to do that.

My hope, is when we go to the next hearing, we are able to remove his brother and sister in law as intervenors.  It is my personal goal to do that.  They have two children of their own, and they should be paying attention to them, not worrying about their nieces and nephew who obviously have two parents that love them.

My other worry is the financial aspect of it, because my husband really should go into this hearing with a lawyer.  Funds are tight right now until he finds work in Florida. 

Any advice is greatly appreciated. 

Just an update and looking for some experienced opinions on our situation.  My husband has a mediation meeting for today, to modify the current custody order which is 50/50.  We currently reside in PA and we are moving to FL due to a change in my job as well as more job opportunities there for my husband.  He has 3 children ages 15, 12 and 10.  We informed BM we are moving at the end of August 2011 and asked her if she would discuss options to modifying the custody order.  Currently they are able to communicate (for the most part) with each other regarding their children.  After informing her of the move and asking if she would be willing to modify the custody order- she proceeded to inform his brother and sister in law of our pending move.  They are listed as intervenors on their current custody order (long story).  They, in turn, file for a modification to the current order stating if father moves abruptly to FL, full custody should go to BM.  Now mind you, my husband has also filed for a modification requesting for the change to take place in 2012.  He is asking for the children to reside with us during the school year and with BM on holidays and summer vacation.  The request for change is due to the fact she still is residing with her BF whom we have a PFA against because he hit his youngest child on the back of the head, and he was touching the other two children (both girls) inappropriately.  He is not allowed to touch them at all nor to use foul language in front of them, but for some strange reason, the judge is allowing him to still LIVE with them!!!!  BM stated after she moved to her current apartment, BF would be moving out.  This was almost 2 years ago- BF/abuser (in my eyes anyway) still resides there. 

Has anyone been involved in a shared custody arrangement across states?  Is it possible for BM to block my husband from moving to FL?  At this time, we are not looking to move the children with us right away.  School has already started and we still need to locate a permanent residence in FL.  We are staying with family until we locate a place of our own.

Hi All- I am looking for the website for the state of Pennsylvania to prepare modification to a current custody order.  Does anyone have the link or could you guide me to it?  Thank you in advance for your help!

"As for the moving situation, I strongly recommend reviewing the original for language regarding move-aways and, if there is none, then either reading up on the state laws regarding it or consulting an atty. about it.  Heaven forbid your DH does get a job in TX, everyone moves there, then get forced back to the original state because it was illegal.  Absolutely find out if he can even take the kids (because even if it's possible, some modification of custody MUST be in place before the move) before he even accepts a job there.  Don't get the cart before the horse or the court is liable to yank it right out from underneath you. "



This is the kind of information that I have been looking for by posting our situation.  I reviewed the current custody order and it only states that each parent is obligated to inform the court and the other parent when they move.  It does not state that they are not allowed to move out of the area.  Therefore, we will research our state laws, to see if there are any other restrictions.  My husband believes he still has a small retainer with his lawyer that did the work for his divorce and custody- so I want him to reach out to him as well.



"The judge himself told the father that he should go for custody, but the father didn't.......because he believed the BM when she said the BF wouldn't be moving with them?  The judge already said he SHOULD, but he didn't even AFTER the BF still moved with the BM.  So where is the court implicated?  JMO, but since they told him he SHOULD file for custody and didn't, he just better pray that nothing does happen......in the weird and wacky world of family court, they may point a finger not only at BM (for keeping the BF around when she was told not to) but also to the father (for being told by the judge that he SHOULD file for custody and didn't).  That's my point."



If they were my children, I would of gone and filed for sole custody.  But unfortunately, they are not, so the final call was not mine to make, it was his.  If I recall the judge's exact words, he said to BM (since all four of us were in the PFA hearing)- there is nothing stopping your former husband from taking the PFA and going to the custody office for a change in the order. Deep down, I feel my husband still fears the system.  He had to battle his brother along with his former wife in order to have the current custody order (it is a LONG story...a lot of drama and heart break)- and if you would like to hear the whole thing, I will gladly share in a private email.  I am a child of divorce as well, and I have seen it happen in the state of PA anyway, a lot.  The court sides with the mother of the children- not the father.  You have to prove the mother unfit in order to have full custody if you are the father.  Again, that is not what we are trying to do.  It is in the best interest of the children to have BOTH parents in their lives.  Ideally, we are hoping they will be with us during the school year, and BM on holidays and summer vacation.  BM is not equipped to help them with their schoolwork- that job falls on my husband and I. 

Davy, thank you so much for your input,  we both really appreciate it.   PFA stand for protection from abuse.  I totally agree with your last comment to Kitty.  The whole reason my husband filed the PFA to begin with is to protect his children from the man his former life continues to subject them to.  If he becomes too agreessive, he will not be looked upon favorly by the courts.  They still believe the best place for the children is with the BM. 

Kitty,  I so wish the court had done what you stated, to pull the children from the BM and placed physical custody with us, until her BF was no longer in the picture.  Unfortunately, that did not happen.  Yes, the children's safety is ALWAYS number one priority, and in the eyes of the court, granting the PFA was protecting them against this man.  Do I agree with it, uh NO WAY.  If my husband had gone then and filed for full custody, his three children would of hated him for it.  They still love their mother, no matter what poor taste she has in men and wanted the 50/50 arrangement to continue.  How could my husband not honor their desires?  We made sure his oldest understood if they were touched AT ALL by this man, she was to call 911 immediately, and then her father (she has a cell phone). 

Davy, my husband is already looking for a job in the Dallas, TX area, while I am going through the interview process.  There seem to be a lot more opportunites then the part of PA we are in, and unlike this area, 4 year degrees do not seem to be mandatory in order to obtain the job.

Again, thank you both for sharing your thoughts/opinions.  They mean a lot and are helpful as we start out on this new adventure.  I will definitely continue to stress to all it is most important for the children to have both parents in their lives.

I feel for you as well.  My husband and I have been through what you are now going through with your husband and stepchildren.  I can tell you time does work in your favor- that is what happened to us.  BM realized it was better to have us an an ally versus an enemy.  After a year of her having primary custody, with both having joint custody regarding health interests, etc, but my husband having visitation one overnight a week and every other weekend- the right of first refusal was in their custody order- meaning, if she had to work on her scheduled time- she had to offer them to their father FIRST before going to a third party to watch the children.  Needless to say, I ended up having the children ALOT in the beginning, because she worked on weekends, and my husband worked on weekends, whereas I have a Monday through Friday job. 

Things did get better for us, and she finally agreed to a 50/50 custody- that went for a year- without it being in writing.  I pushed for my husband to get it in writing, so she couldn't just go back to the current order and take time away from my husband.  She even agreed to allow me in the hearing with the mediator, which surprised me.

I agree, there are a lot of resources on this site that will help you represent your husband without a lawyer.  We did our own papers.  I know money is tight now, but hang in there and do everything you can to help your girls make the best of the situation.  Trust me, when they are teenagers, they will have more of a say on which parent they want to be with.  I suggest going to your local law library and doing some research on your own.  The clerks there are usually pretty friendly and willing to help you out.

Always remember to have your children's best interest in mind with anything you say or do, to them, and their BM. 

Documenting everything that happens is definitely to your benefit.

Best of luck. 

"You and your DH have your work cut out for you.... "

You are very correct Kitty, we do have our work cut out for us.  Ultimately, all anyone wants is what is in the best interest of the children.  From all the posts I have read on this site, this is true, no matter how upset the parties are with each other. 

Since I have the "dreaded" title of "stepmom", or even worse "second" wife, it makes things harder.  I always say the children are not children of my body, but they are children of my heart.  I love them as they are my own.  My husband spoke to his children even before he asked me to marry him, to make sure they were ok with it.  He waited and made sure he had their blessing before he proposed.  They are his first priority, and I understand it.  We thought long and hard about this move.  I wish the job market was better in PA, but it isn't, and it doesn't look like it is going to get any better.  The cost of living here is high, compared to Texas.

In response to your mention of the PFA, the PFA order was AFTER  the custody order.  In general, a PFA is usually used for domestic issues between a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband and wife.  The reason we went for the PFA for the children, is because our youngest child requested his father to do something about the situation.  The judge explained that he believed what the children told him (alone in his chambers), and honestly his recommendation was for my husband to go to the custody office for a change.  The reason he did not do that is because it was not totally what the children wanted, and they were told by their BM that her boyfriend would not be moving with them to their new location.  We know the children need both their BM and my husband in their lives, on a full time basis.  We do our best to keep the peace and trust me, I bite my tongue alot around the BM for things she says and does.  Every time my husband has a new job, we receive yet another visit from CYS for some made up charge.  The social worker always finds the charge unfounded and once again my husband gets a lecture about needing to work together with his former wife.  We try, but we can not stop her from calling with false accusations.

I guess bottom line is all we can do is hope she will be in agreement with allowing the children to spend part of the year with us in Texas and part of the year here in PA with her.  I KNOW what ever is decided I want in writing filed with the court, so she doesn't try to stop him from spending much needed time with the children.

Any thoughts or suggestions anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

I really didn't want to discuss all the gory details if I didn't have to- but since you said there was no valid reason to relocate them (and I'm sorry, I still feel the ability to provide a better education opportunity for all three children IS a valid reason) I shared that additional information as well. 

The oldest girl is 15, next girl is 12 and the youngest (son) just turned 10 on the 18th.  They may want to come along on their own.  I am in the interview stage of the new job, so there is no point asking them until plans are more definite.  I am trying to research our options once we know we are definitely moving.

[We are looking for guidance/advice from anyone that has filed for custody arrangements when one parent is living in one state and the other parent has moved to a different state. I understand 50/50 is difficult, but I am sure it can be done.]

I find it interesting that you feel a better education is not a justified reason for the children to be relocated-.  I know it has been quite a while since I have posted in the forum so maybe I should provide some additional background information.  We have a PFA against the BM's boyfriend because he elected to hit my stepson for not finishing his dinner (he had a bite or two left).  He was (and probably still is) touching my stepdaughters in appropriately.  BM's home was foreclosed on, and when she moved into the apartment where they are now living, she told the children and my husband that her boyfriend was not moving in with them.  Well, it is almost 2 years later and he is still living there with them.  Not only does this man have a PFA against him from my stepchildren (filed by their father), there is a PFA against him on behalf of his own daughter.

Unfortunately, the PFA has special circumstances, in which the custody order between my husband and his former wife is still in place, which is why this man is still able to reside with them.  Imagine having to live in the same home with your abuser???  There is nothing else we are able to do to protect them until he HURTS them again.

We are looking for guidance/advice from anyone that has filed for custody arrangements when one parent is living in one state and the other parent has moved to a different state.  I understand 50/50 is difficult, but I am sure it can be done.