Messages

You are right.  I probably shouldn't be so judgemental.   I have known this woman from the past and let's just say in my opinion she made some decisions that I definitely don't agree with.  People do change.  From what I've been told custody was awarded to her husband and she has very minimal visitation.  Now why that is you are correct, I don't know.  But put that together with what I do know and that is where I draw the conclusion.  In the state where I live its not often that father's are awarded full custody with the mother having minimal visitation of teenage girls.  But you are correct I don't know.  Its just a red flag to me and makes me nervous.  As for the suicide threat.  I talked to the girl who was there when he made the threat.  She informed me that she did not call the police and she thought he just said it because he got busted dating 4 girls at once.  So since there is no police report I'm assuming there really isn't anything I can do about that either since there is not a record of it.  I am going to ask him about it directly but I'm pretty sure he is going to lie to me and tell me he never said it.  Up until now I have never worried about DD when she was with him.  And I considered myself lucky since I have read so many stories about how people have to worry about whether their kids are going to come home after visits or if the other parent will allow them to visit.  I really thought things were going very well for us.  And it took me a while to get to that point and I was finally there and red flags are popping up.  Am I just over reacting again because I tend to do that with DD as I truly just want what's best for her?  When we first did our parenting plan BF was not seeing DD at all.  I was the one wanted it in the decree so that if he did want to start seeing DD later we would not need to go back to court.  I am wondering now if there are some things that weren't thought about and maybe should talked about, come to an agreement about and put in writing.   

I haven't posted in quite some time.  My DD is now 6 and her BF didn't want to have anything to do with her until she was 3.5.  I'm sure some of you remember that there were some bumps in the road along the way and some of you were helpful in pointing out some of my flaws and when I was making a big deal of petty little things.  I need your opinions again.  I was with some mutual friends yesterday and found out a lot of information about the BF.  Most of it I don't care about but there are a couple of things that put up red flags.  Apparently BF was dating 4 different girls at once.  I don't care.  He is a grown man and can do what ever he wants.  He has introduced all of them to DD.  And since 2 of the 4 are no longer talking to him it has caused some issues with DD because she had formed friendships with the kids of one of the girls.  And she doesn't understand why she all of a sudden can't play with those kids.  I knew that DD was playing with these kids but didn't know BF was dating their mom because once again, I don't care and its not my business.  When its DD's time with her BF then that's there time together and unless she is reporting a safety issue (which she hasn't) I don't really get involved.  In the course of finding out all of this stuff yesterday it was also brought up that BF had threatened to kill himself the threats were to the point that the police had to be involved.  That is the part that I care about. I don't think the police EPC'd him.  It makes me have nervous to have her around him of he is making those types of threats.  The other part that concerns me is that one of the girls may move in with him.  She is divorced and has 2 children of her own that she does not have any custody of.  I don't know why she does not have custody of her children but it makes me nervous to have my child around someone the courts have deemed should have have custody of her own children.  Like I said he is grown and can do what he wants.  I only have concerns when it comes to DD's safety and well being.  I know what the friends tell me is all heresay and may or may not be true.  But if BF was threatening to kill himself and the police were called there should be a police report.  I'm just trying to figure out if I have any options.  I'm just looking out for DD. 

WOOHOO! It worked!  I had tried looking before on the city website and it wasn't there.  So I figured it was on some internal site somewhere.  But nope.  Its right on the front page of the local union website.  Thanks so much.  That makes my life much easier.  I have been just buying cirus tix or planning things based on what worked for my schedule since I didn't know his any further out.  Then when he would give me his schedule for the month I would tell him that day didn't work because we already had plans.  He has never complained or said a word about it.  But if i can schedule for DD and I to do those things on days I know he has to work then its a win-win for everyone!  Thanks a bunch!!! 

So she's mad that she got caught and you aren't putting up with it.  Too bad for her.  I can forgive a lot of things but cheating is not one of them.  Now its time for her to act like an adult and deal with the consequences of her actions.  But of course instead she continues to blame you and its all your fault.  That sucks.  I'm glad I don't have to deal with that.  DD;s father and I were really more friends with benefits than anything else.  Niether one of us wants to be with the other so it that aspect its easier for us to keep our own feelings out of it.  I was very angry at him that it took him 3.5 years to even meet DD.  But I had to decide if I was going to let my anger consume me or if I was going to put it aside and do what was right for DD.  Too bad your ex can't make the same decision. 

I would love to have an link to the schedule!  That would be awesome.  And he made mention that he has access to it online for year in advance but he's not sharing it with me.  I plan a girl trip with my best friend every year and I would like to plan it during his set off.  But right now I don't know when his set off is.  So since I'm just going to give him some dates and then he can look it up and tell me what works best for him. 

I don't want to get fired and if she thinks about it she really shouldn't want me to get fired either.
You are exactly right.  You are probably obligated to pay her child support and I'm sure she wants to continue receiving that so it would be best for her if you kept your job.  Per our order DD's father pays me child support and a portion of her child care expenses.  Per the order he is supposed to reimburse me within two weeks of when I give him the receipt.  He never does and in our state they can suspend driver's license and professional licenses if people get so far behind.  I realized that it wasn't in my best interests to pursue it because #1 he does pay me eventually just on his terms and #2 right now he is on a med unit so if he can't drive or has his professional license suspended he could lose his job and then wouldn't be able to pay child support.  So I just let it go and know that instead of paying me for a month at at time he'll write me one big check for 4 months at a time. 

In my opinion your ex-wife is angry at you trying to get back at you the only way she knows how.  And unfortunately for you I think that if things go your way in court she is going to be even more angry.  So I do wish you luck.  I know how angry and vindictive some of us women can get. 

I do hope that everything works out for you.  You shouldn't have to take leave to have visitation with yuor child.  Hearing stories like yours really makes me appreciate that DD's father and I are able to get along with each other for the most part.  We've had some bumps in the road but have gotten through them and now we are able to work together rather well.  I wish it could be that way for everyone because it really is in the best interest of the children.  Some adults can't put their own feelings aside in order to see what's best.  Your child needs you both and its a shame she can't see that.  The firefighter schedule does take some getting used to but you would think she was used to it by now since you were married for 17 years.  I've gotten used to it in a much shorter time than that.  My biggest frustration is that DD's father has his schedule for the whole year but refuses to give it to me more than a month at a time.  He does some training and other things on his days off so when he gives me his schedule for the month he factors in those things.  We've run in to a few conflicts when I plan things with DD that are special events like circus and things of that nature that you have to buy tickets for in advance.  Since he only gives me a month at a time when I buy those tickets I just have to pick a day that works for me.  If he would give me his schedule for the whole year I would pick a day that I know he is working so there won't be a conflict.  But luckily he is understanding and we work through it.  I'm trying to give him some extra days this month since I had to cancel some visits last month since DD and I were out of town since my dad passed away.  If the weather here would have been more cooperative I wouldn't have cancelled them.  Luckily he was very understanding.

I hope the judge can help your ex to understand the rules of the court order apply to everyone.  Good Luck!  Make sure to keep us posted on the outcome.

I haven't talked to him about it yet.  I haven't even decided yet for sure if we are going to move.  Its just something that I'm thinking about.  My mom doesn't know anyone in my town except for DD and I.  So in that aspect I would hate to have mom move away from part of her support system.  I have friends in both places and DD is going to have to make new friends when she goes to kindergarten anyway.  So I just want to make sure if we decide to move that we do it before DD starts kindergarten so she doesn't have to start school and then switch schools.  Plus we could just move in to my parents house which is mostly paid for so it would be financially beneficial both ways.  Our decree says 1 evening per week and e/o weekend or equivalent days dependent on his work schedule.  He has a rotating schedule so he can't always have the same night each week and his schedule is that he works 24 hr shifts so sometimes he is only off 1 day of the weekend depending on how his set falls.  Decree also says he gets 2 weeks in the summer.  He usually will email me at the beginning of the month with days that he is available and we work out the schedule from there on a monthly basis.  Right now he is not having overnight visits.  I am not opposed to overnight visits at all and have told him on numerous occasions to let me know when he is ready for overnights and we will put them on the schedule.  So right now DD usually sees him at least one night during the week and usually at least 1 day on the weekend and sometimes its 2 nights during the week or both weekend days.  It just depends on his schedule but I think it works out to be 4 days in a 2 week period which is what it would be if he did 1 night a week plus e/o weekend.  Its just that sometimes its 2 nights instead of some of the weekend time.  He hasn't taken her for 2 weeks in the summer since he hasn't done any overnights.  I would have no problem meeting 1/2 way.  The days that he sees DD he doesn't have to work so he would probably be able to pick her up from school earlier than I would be able to pick her up and meet him half way.  So if he picked her up from school and brought her to his house I would have no problem picking her up from there.  I recognize that she needs him and I would want to do what I can to make it work.  I think that maybe I just need to sit down with him and let him know that moving is something that I'm thinking about and get his input and opinions.  I'm sure he doesn't want us to move.  I admit we are spoiled living only 6 blocks from one another because its so easy and convenient.  I want to make the decision with a clear head so I don't want to do anything spur of the moment without thinking it all the way through.  Dad did have some life insurance and some other things that mom is the beneficiary for so she is ok financially for a while.  So I want to look at all angles. 

I truly don't understand people sometimes.  You have been a firefighter for this long I don't understand how she doesn't understand that your schedule is not just going to magically change.  My DD's father is a firefighter so I completely understand the scheduling.  I've heard so many times that her dad should be having her every other weekend and one night a week.  But there is no point of DD being at his house for an entire weekend when he is working 24 hrs of the weekend.  When I had our decree written up he was not seeing DD at all.  But I had the decree written to say 1 night per week and e/o weekend or equivalent days depending on his schedule.  At that point I did not know if he would ever start seeing her or not but I made sure that it was put in writting so no matter how mad at him I got I would still have to follow what's best for DD. 

I can't wait to hear what your lawyer has in store for your ex.  I hope all works out in your favor!

Hi All,
I am hoping that you guys can do what you do best and help me see things from all sides and bringing up things that I haven't thought of.  Here's the situation:
My father passed away unexpectedly about 3 weeks ago.  I'm working through my own grief issues, trying to help DD work through hers and trying to make sure my mom is ok all at the same time.  My parents live about 45 minutes away from where I live so I've been doing a lot of back and forth.  Not only do I worry about my mom emotionally I worry she will not be able to make it on her own financially.  My parents were together for over 30 years but were never legally married so she does not get any of his railroad retirement.  Nebraska does not recognize common law marriage.  I don't get it either since I am too old to be his dependent.  My mom has a $10/hr job and I worry about her being able to make ends meet.  So I have been thinking about DD and I moving back home to help out.  My entire family lives there so it would also give DD a chance to see her cousins and extended family more.  My issue is that BF lives in the city I currently live in and I'm not sure moving DD 45 mins away from BF is the right thing to do.  Right now DD and I live 6 blocks away from BF.  Our decree says that I can move anywhere with in the state and he can't do anything about it.  Just because he can't stop me doesn't mean its the right thing to do.  He has really been wonderful through the past few weeks with cancelling and rescheduling visits sometimes at the last minute.  He and I seem to be working together really well right now.  Now that my dad is gone BF is the positive male role model in DD's life and I hate to take her 45 minutes away from that.  I know that 45 minutes is nothing compared to the distances some of you travel to see your kids.  And its not far just far enough to make things inconvenient.  I think that in order for us to make it work, BF and I would both have to be committed.  I question how committed he would be when it would require more of an effort.  I would like to think that we could make it work but he didn't want to put in the effort at Thanksgiving so I'm a little skeptical.  Our decree says that we split Thanksgiving day.  So I suggested that since DD and I were going to be at my parents house that BF and I meet half way in between for pick up/drop off.  BF said he didn't want to do that because by the time he picked BF up and took her to his mom's and then had to leave to meet me to drop off they wouldn't have much time together.  I wasn't sure what that was about because I suggested we meet at 2 in the afternoon plus DD didn't have school the next day so I was leaving the drop off time totally up to him.  So I'm hesitant in thinking that we could make it work.  I really want to do what's best for everyone.  DD will be starting school in the fall so she will have to make new friends anyway since none of the kids at her preschool will be going to her kindergarten.  I'm not making any decisions now but its definately something I am thinking about.  And I would never do it without talkiing to BF first.  But I'm sure there is something I am not thinking about and you all will help me to see it. 
What are your thoughts??
Being in the sandwish generation where you have to take care of your kids and your parents sure isn't fun.

When DD does ask for him I do always ask her if she wants to call him.  She always says no but I always put the offer out there.  The last visit didn't turn out as either of us had hoped but hopefully we have both learned from it.  Hopefully he has learned that it is better to be honest with me.  I have learned that plans didn't happen as he led me to believe they would and my daughter was not injured or traumatized in any way and she said she had fun.  But the next time can't turn out better if we don't plan a next time.  We have some plans for the rest of this week so I think I will send a message next week and see if we can get a plan made.  It is easier for DD if she knows when she will see him again.

I am beginning to think I may have over-reacted about the whole thing.  I was upset that I felt he lied to me.  But its not about me.  Its about DD and she was fine and had fun so I need to just let it go.  I still think we need to be honest with each other though.  And this is why I shouldn't discuss things when I'm angry.

Thanks Kitty for your insight. 

He does work for a large service and we live in a suburb with a volunteer dept that he is a member of as well.  I volunteered as a firefighter/EMT also so I know what comes along with the job.  It can be the most rewarding and the most discouraging all at the same time.  And my hope is that we will both be good parents to DD.  I do try to be flexible and I think I have been.  I have accomodated every time that he has wanted to see her.  And some of those times including changing plans that we had already made.  I am working on being more open minded.  For the past 3 years I have been the only one making the decisions and things were the way I thought they should be.  So I definately have to work on how to compromise when we have differing opinions.  I do realize that this is all new and we do need time.  The other thing that I think we all need is consistency.  We all need to have a consistent schedule.  With his work schedule I know he will never have her every Wednesday and every other weekend.  But I think we do need a schedule where he has her Tues one week and Wed the next (or something to that effect) depending on his work schedule.  Right now it just seems like he just wants to see her when he doesn't have anything better to do and he never plans more than a day or two in advance.  Parenting is not something you do when it is convenient.  Tonight DD was asking where he was.  He hasn't contacted me to set anything up so I wasn't really sure what to tell her.