First visitation

[Kitty C.]

I live somewhere in that same storm system you're in........we're supposed to get rain tomorrow, then the temp will drop and it will turn to snow, with poss. freezing rain in between.

He's a firefighter...........I can guarantee you that he's been on his share of MVA's (motor vehicle accidents).  I'm an EMT-B and we do not work an MVA without the fire dept. there.  I do not see why he would be upset about you having to change your plans due to the weather and the last thing he would want is for you and your DD to try to navigate through the mess still to come.  Like the others said, offer him New Year's or whatever you can work out together, to try to make up for it.

Compromise and negotiate...........compromise and negotiate............

[stressedoutmom]

Ok, I have decided to stay home until after opening presents on Christmas morning is over then we will try to make it to my parents.  If the roads are too bad at that time we will stay home.  If we don't make it, it will be the first Christmas ever that I haven't spent with my entire family and I will probably cry the entire day.  I tried to ask him if he would be mad and he didn't respond to me.  And really if it did make him mad it would not have really mattered.  Christmas Eve is his day and Christmas is mine so its not my fault he has to work and the CO makes no mention of any switching or make up.  So inviting him over Christmas morning in the first place was me being nice and trying to make this work.  I did text and let him know that we will be here as scheduled.  He is supposed to be off work at 7 and said he would be here around 7:30 if he gets off work on time.  Unfortunately, I'm not going to be very patient if he has to work late and that's not me being a b&*$#, it's me wanting to try to get to my family Christmas and hopefully he can understand that. 

Teachers98,  I didn't think you were being aggressive.  I know that there are parents out there who do probe their children for every detail that happens when they are with the other parent.  I really am not like that.  I really was just trying to find out what she was talking about so I could help her to learn the correct name of what she was talking about.  And really if when I asked him what she was talking about if he would have just said we went out to dinner at XYZ and maybe that's what it is, I would have just went with it and not thought anything of it.  For a long time after she was born I was very angry at him for the way he was behaving not wanting to see his daughter and telling people that I would not let him see her when in fact I tried to encourage it and he didn't want it.  I was angry for a long time and I did have a lot of resentment toward him.  But one day I just finally realized it was not good for me to carry around that anger.  I realized that I did what I could in trying to get him to see her.  I realized that there was nothing I could do about it, it was up to him.  And he would have to get to a point to where he was ready to accept responsiblity and be a parent and I prepared myself for the fact that it may never happen.  But through it all I knew that my daughter would feel loved with or without him.  He doesn't owe me anything (ok he does owe me $) but he owes her 3 years worth of not being there.  And I'm not going to say that there haven't been times when my feelings have been hurt when she says I miss my dad when I've been the one there since day one.  But this is a good thing for her.  She needs both of us and I realize that.  My dad wasn't around up until the time I was 5 so I do know that this is a good thing.  But it's not easy.  And not being completely honest with each other doesn't make it any easier. 
He and I had our fight and now I think we need to make up so to speak.  We both need to acknowlege that we both played a part in it.  He should have been honest with me but I will say that I probably didn't handle the situation the best when I tried to talk to him about it.  I started off with why did you lie to me which automatically puts him on the defensive.  And I need to learn to trust him.  That being said we need to say ok we had a fight, now how do we move forward from here so we don't end up in the same situation again.  I do find it a little ironic that our first fight occurs when were were not together.  When we were together we didn't fight and when I got pregnant we just sort of stopped talking to one another.  I wanted to talk about what was going to happen since we were having a baby and the only answers I would get from him were I don't know and I haven't thought about it.  I got tired of hearing it so I stopped trying.  He got tired of having the same conversation so he stopped trying and we just stopped talking to each other.  So apparently communication is an area that we need to work on. 

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!  If you are traveling, be safe!  If you are in the midwest and traveling, GOOD LUCK as we will all need it!

[Kitty C.]

Stressed, have you spoken to him at all since making the arrangements for Christmas morning??  Because if you haven't, I strongly suggest you call him to discuss this.  Court order or no court order, no one can intervene with Mother Nature.  And like I said, I know he's dealt with his share of MVA's as a firefighter.........he would be the first to tell you to not even attempt traveling if they're forecasting that much snow.  Do NOT put your or your DD's life in that kind of danger!

I said compromise and negotiate........regardless of the CO, whatever you two decide and work out between you, like trading days or whatever, does not go against your CO.  I bet there is something in there that states something to the effect that whatever both parents can agree to can also be constituted as part of the order.  DH's CO has that and it's fairly common verbage, meant to get the parents to work together to compromise and negotiate. 

Don't text him....CALL him.  One thing to keep in mind..........this is the busiest time of year for firefighters and with this major storm barreling through, Lord only knows what they might have to deal with.  I can guarantee you that if you get any ice or significant snow whatsoever, they will be extremely busy.  Call him, and even if you have to leave a voice mail, give him time to call you back.  ASK him his opinion on how you both can deal with this safely, now that the weather has turned everything upside down.  WORK with him..........but DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT to travel if they are forecasting any significant snow or possible ice.  DO NOT become a statistic!

[stressedoutmom]

I hope everyone had a good Christmas!  We did!  We were able to make it to my parents.  The roads were fine in the morning when we went, only a few spots with any snow on the road and there was no ice.  So that was good.  BF came over in the morning after he got off work as he said he was going to.  I let DD sleep until he arrived.  I couldn't believe that I actually had to wake my 3 year old up on Christmas morning.  So BF had texted me the Sunday before Christmas to ask what DD wanted that I had not already gotten her.  I gave him a few ideas.  And then when he came over Christmas morning he did not bring her anything.  Don't get me wrong, there was no shortage of presents at our house.  I actually had gone a little overboard anyway.  But I couldn't believe that he didn't bring her any thing after he bothered to ask.  I could even understand if he would have told her that he had gotten some things for her to stay at his house but he didn't say anything.  I was really kind of annoyed by his whole visit (not because of the present issue) but he sat on the couch and hardly interacted with DD at all.  DD had requested blueberry muffins for breakfast so I was in the kitchen after she opened presents.  I figured that this would give DD and BF some time together without me sitting right there.  And he didn't even talk to her unless she talked to him first.  I was in the kitchen and she was bringing me toys to show me and for me to open.  I kept directing her back to have her dad help her or for her to show him to try to get him to interact with her.  And she kept asking him to come in her room so she could show him something and he just sat on the couch.  And looking back now its kind of been like this for the last couple of times he has visited.  If this is how much attention he is going to pay to her when I am there how much attention did he pay to her when they were out with his friends.  In the beginning when he said he first wanted to see her I was skeptical but I thought it would be a good thing and I think I had lofty ideas about how we would be able to co-parent.  I think reality has set in and I'm pretty sure its going to be a mess.  When he left on Christmas he made no mention of when he would like to see DD again.  I feel like he is the one who wanted to start seeing her so he should be the one to give me his work schedule or days when he would like to have her and he's not doing that.  I don't feel like I should be the one to hound him.  I am sure he is probably still mad at me from the whole incident last week.  I did send him an email and apologize for the way I handled the situation (not for being upset).  I told him that I did not intend for us to get in a big argument.  I did tell him that he was right when we were arging when he said I didn't trust him.  I told him that I am trying very hard to and that it is difficult when I feel he isn't being honest with me.  And as far as I am concerned that incident is done and over with and we need to put it behind us and move forward.  I'm really trying not to be the crazy BM that so many of you have to deal with and I thought I was doing a good job until the whole incident last week. 

[Kitty C.]

Just my opinion, but I think you're reading too much into everything you're seeing.  It hasn't been very long and they are still getting to know one another.  He could also be intimidated while in your home.  You don't mention whether you're in a large metro area, but considering you're already said he works 24 hour shifts...........to me that tells me he's part of a larger service.

I mentioned to you that I am a volunteer EMT and I live in a very rural area, so we don't have the volume of calls that larger metro areas can get.  Regardless, DH knows better than to question me about anything if I come home from a call with 'the look' on my face.............it usually means the call was incredibly stressful or went very bad.  DH knows that it takes time for me to unwind from calls like that.  I'm not making excuses for him, but I completely understand what a firefighter or law enforcement officer can go through in a shift.  If he's not opening up to you, or giving you one to two word answers, he may have a lot on his mind from his job.

Maybe you did get your hopes up, maybe your expectations were completely different.  Again just my opinion, but I think your only hope should be that he wants to be a good father to her.  When you build up expectations, those expectations are from your perspective, not his, and I can guarantee you will be disappointed every time.  What all three of you need is time...LOTS of time.  It's still way too soon to jump to any conclusions as to what kind of father he will be, or even the kind of mother you will be.  Parenting is a constant work in progress and changes constantly..........it has to, because the child is constantly changing and a parent has to be flexible and open-minded.

[stressedoutmom]

Thanks Kitty for your insight. 

He does work for a large service and we live in a suburb with a volunteer dept that he is a member of as well.  I volunteered as a firefighter/EMT also so I know what comes along with the job.  It can be the most rewarding and the most discouraging all at the same time.  And my hope is that we will both be good parents to DD.  I do try to be flexible and I think I have been.  I have accomodated every time that he has wanted to see her.  And some of those times including changing plans that we had already made.  I am working on being more open minded.  For the past 3 years I have been the only one making the decisions and things were the way I thought they should be.  So I definately have to work on how to compromise when we have differing opinions.  I do realize that this is all new and we do need time.  The other thing that I think we all need is consistency.  We all need to have a consistent schedule.  With his work schedule I know he will never have her every Wednesday and every other weekend.  But I think we do need a schedule where he has her Tues one week and Wed the next (or something to that effect) depending on his work schedule.  Right now it just seems like he just wants to see her when he doesn't have anything better to do and he never plans more than a day or two in advance.  Parenting is not something you do when it is convenient.  Tonight DD was asking where he was.  He hasn't contacted me to set anything up so I wasn't really sure what to tell her. 

[ocean]

You are doing good....
If your daughter asks for him, let her call him and leave a message. I think you are right though, next step is to get that calendar out and maybe plan the next month with him so you all are on the same page and she knows when she sees him next.
He probably doesnt want to even ask since the last time it went bad so maybe just leave him a message stating daughter asked for you and you think it would be a good idea to set up the next month so she knows what is going on. Ask him to call you back when he has time to discuss it/work schedule.

[stressedoutmom]

When DD does ask for him I do always ask her if she wants to call him.  She always says no but I always put the offer out there.  The last visit didn't turn out as either of us had hoped but hopefully we have both learned from it.  Hopefully he has learned that it is better to be honest with me.  I have learned that plans didn't happen as he led me to believe they would and my daughter was not injured or traumatized in any way and she said she had fun.  But the next time can't turn out better if we don't plan a next time.  We have some plans for the rest of this week so I think I will send a message next week and see if we can get a plan made.  It is easier for DD if she knows when she will see him again.

I am beginning to think I may have over-reacted about the whole thing.  I was upset that I felt he lied to me.  But its not about me.  Its about DD and she was fine and had fun so I need to just let it go.  I still think we need to be honest with each other though.  And this is why I shouldn't discuss things when I'm angry.

[Kitty C.]

'I am beginning to think I may have over-reacted about the whole thing.  I was upset that I felt he lied to me.  But its not about me.  Its about DD and she was fine and had fun so I need to just let it go.  I still think we need to be honest with each other though.  And this is why I shouldn't discuss things when I'm angry.'

You're doing great, stressed!  You recognize the issues and are dealing with it appropriately...good for you!  Like I said, you all just need time.........time to get used to the newness of the situation, time to get used to each other, time to get used to a change in schedules.  Personally, I think you are handling this very maturely and being open-minded and honest (especially within yourself) and that you're off to a great start.  Certainly there will be 'fumbles' at times, but consider them 'learning experiences' and keep moving forward.

And I know I don't have to tell you.....but the winner in all this will be your daughter and there will come a day when she will be thanking you BOTH for caring so much about her.

[teacher98]

Keep up the good work!!!  Someone always has to be the bigger person in these situations and it looks like you are being that person.  I agree with the other posters.  Arrange a parenting plan with him.  The court orders are just a fall back point for parents who disagree.  If you and dad feel a different parenting plan better suits your work schedules and the needs of your daughter, then create that one.  I would suggest emailing him (that way it is in writing) and asking him to give you a preference of the mid-week overnight he would like and then tell him you would like to begin the the new parenting schedule. 

I agree with not jumping to conclusions about his parenting.  My DH has a bad day at office work and he is a bit detached from all of us. He doesn't talk much but always does the big things like bedtime stories and tucking in. 

Right now, Dad is a visitor in your home. From everything you are saying, it is definitely time to let him parent away from you. Even if that means you tell him it is time to start. Be very frank and tell him that he is her parent and it is time to parent her on his own. Set the schedule that works for you two and remind him that it is his time to be her dad and that you will be making your own plans and have your own things to do and that he can't just call you last minute and decide he can't "make it." Obviously, work schedules have to be worked around, but he needs to know that your daughter will be expecting to see her dad and he will need to learn to arrange for child care (like his mom) if and when something comes up.

DH and I rarely do social things without SS on our weekends with him. He has learned to schedule his "off duty" social life around his parenting plan. Our friends picked up on this quickly and if your daughter's dad is a social butterfly, this will be a big change for him.  Hold strong. This will be a bumpy road for a bit, but your committment to making it work will help or things to be much smoother sailing for all of you!!  Keep us posted!