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Topics - mdegol

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Visitation Issues / Won't give me a time for pickup??
« on: Jun 15, 2011, 06:40:29 PM »
What would you do if the other parent won't give a time for pickup?  I have asked twice and pickup is this Friday, and I have no idea what time.  Our CO doesn't state specific times for pickup and dropoff, and it has never been a problem before.  I think it is a new game to frustrate me.  I had to ask three times whether or not he wanted me to bring DS to the airport or if BF was going to pick him up.  He only said "afternoon" in one of these emails, no specific time.

General Issues / Sad tonight...
« on: Apr 16, 2011, 07:28:45 PM »
I wanted to thank goodness for this board for so many things.  But I am so sad tonight, since my son is now 3 1/2 and I was thinking things might be better by now.  Before, I could comfort myself knowing that he was too young to understand and that there was still time for things to get better.  I can protect him one my side of it, and I hope that they will protect him on their side of it, but if it stay like this there's no way it is good for my son. 

I have been practicing low contact for about a year and a half and trying to compromise without being a pushover.  I am in the process of doing the proud to parent website that Gemini suggested.  I would like to invite BF to do the site, but is that a good idea with someone that you are practicing low contact with?  I feel that it is a transformative site, but it is hard to imagine how the situation is ever going to get better. 

We were just in court yesterday.  Again it got thrown out.  Right when the judge stated that she would dismiss the case, I felt relieved (again) but it was immediately followed by despair since I believe that it will not stop.  I disengaged emotionally quite some time ago from the conflict, but if one party is fighting I don't see how it will stop.  his last court date was trying to modify a stipulation that we signed four months ago!  Judge just said, this was settled, more or less.  The last stipulation was just that we would accept the old custody agreement.  I also agreed to modify child support, thinking that resentment about child support might be some of the cause.  It was recommended to be lowered over two months ago, but at the court date yesterday he didn't even ask to have it entered as a judgement.  He was asking for parenting time changes, same ones as at the last court date and yet before that. 

I believe that the reason is not coming directly from my co-parent.  His partner seems to be deliberately sabotaging all attempts to reconcile the situation.  I can tell that it is not him writing most emails to me, especially the high conflict ones due to dramatically different writing styles.  Most of the conflict is manufactured, often in the form of making requests that are, I believe, anticipated to cause problems. 

One good example to demonstrate this is for my child's last birthday.  They hadn't been to visit in 4 months.  I was contacted a week and a half before the birthday to let me know that he was going to visit.  He has never given me less than 3-4 weeks notice in the past, due to the cost of plane tickets.  Because of past patterns, I made sure that I had scheduled the birthday party for the weekend further from my son's actual birthday just in case his father wanted to visit.  To be honest, by the time he contacted me I had assumed he was not coming.  In any case, I said ok, go ahead and come.  I did state that I would appreciate more notice in the future.  It seemed manufactured to cause conflict, either to ruin a party or to cause me to say something like "I have plans" and then call it a denial of visitation.  In his answer, even though I didn't mention anything about a party, it was stated "If you wanted to plan a party for that weekend you should have contacted us about it."  That kind of confirmed the motivation I thought. 

 Court was just yesterday, and even if I "won", there was no satisfaction in it.

Here's the weird part:  I have noticed that the engagement from the other side has INCREASED since I have been practicing low contact.  Is that something typically seen?  I am thinking that his partner has some kind of emotional problem, like BPD.  I know that several regulars on here practice low contact.  Did the behavior of the other side diminish quickly?  How long did it take to work?  With these manufactured situations I have either ignored it, or tried to work around it.  Seems like it just makes them do more.  What makes me nervous is that the behaviors are escalating, or at least have move from direct conflict with me to court dates.  If that isn't working, I don't know what will come next.

Visitation Issues / Going back to court?
« on: Sep 26, 2009, 02:20:38 PM »
Hi Everyone,
I posted awhile back and got some great advice. I am in need again (prob won't be the last time). Sorry this is long.

So background is bf lives in Texas, I live in Mass. Very tense relationship (if you ask me, coming from them) much of which I believe originates in the new wife (she is very controlling).

So I had an issue a while ago where bf was constantly changing my pickup location, ultimately making it the airport, when our agreement state that transportation is shared to and from his hotel. Anyway, I ended up picking son up from airport since I wasn't going to not show up! That was my last post. So it just continued from there. They had pushed things as far as they could with the pickup, so now they worked on THEIR pickup, which up to this point was from my front door. They now wanted it at a local Starbucks, and I am sure would have kept getting further and further until I was picking up and dropping off at the airport (a stated intention of theirs). So I refused. They had to come to my home. They pushed it so far as to go to the Starbucks and wait until I called asking why they were late (this was father's day visit, the last visit) and they then came to my home.

So I KNEW something would happen today, the birthday visit, and there it was. Pickup went real well (we have started a picture book of them that I go through with son to help with transitions although they (bf & sm) initially refused to make it saying I wouldn't show it to son anyway) son didn't scream, upset but not terrified. So I thought things were ok, then I get a letter in mail from their lawyer saying that they are going to take me to court to modify about pickup and dropoff. Also, they had asked two weeks ago to visit for Halloween. They have not followed the schedule since we started (supposed to be every third weekend not specified further) this is five weeks after this birthday visit, and I am not even sure where else to count from since they have come so irregularly. I have always said yes, but this time I said we were busy and he could come weekend before or after. Nothing else. I received no response from email even after followup, but got this letter today. They count is as a third weekend from their first visit after court, but settlement doesn't specify how it is counted. I was thinking based on last visit, since there are 3 and 4 months between visits sometimes. Last year they took the Halloween weekend also and I had complained a little but said yes to the visit, so I am SURE that is why they even picked this weekend. So they didn't even try to protest or negotiate. Straight to court.

His lawyer is known for bleeding her clients which also bleeds me. So I was thinking to postpone getting a lawyer since the issue seems pretty small to me. I am not in contempt, if anything he is with the airport issue. If possible maybe even represent myself.

I would like to know what you think about the Halloween thing. It is not reasonable for me to have to be 100% flexible. If there was a history of me saying no a lot I would understand, but this is the FIRST time since child is born. Also, about meeting his lawyer. Any advice?

Oh, and I forgot to add, that they are also going to request that I not be there for these exchanges!! I have never done anything to deserve this beyond their claim that I say goodbye too long and do "nothing" to reassure son. I wasn't at one exchange due to work conflict (so my husband did it alone) and they complained about that. Now, I am not supposed to be there. For the record, I don't say good bye more than anyone else or more than they do when they give him back. Exchanges are less than a minute generally (again because they are running away usually!).

I am not trying to sound like an angel, but I have been pretty careful and have tried to not cause conflicts. I just haven't allowed them to completely push me around (although I have allowed quite a lot).

I was thinking to meet with her and let her bleed him a little, so they don't take me to court over stupid things, or too quickly as they are here.

Also, if I do have to go to court, if you have suggestions about arrangements. They want maximum flexibility, I guess so I can never say no even off schedule. They want lots of visitation just in case they want to come, but only come about 6 times per year (if followed schedule would have had 18 visits). Also, stepmom is vindictive (sent pics of their wedding in picture book for son) and a lot of these issues are coming from that (bf is a wimp). They get a generous cs reduction for travel (beased on 18 visits). And I have numerous nasty emails (written by her as though him) were they just generally insult me and belittle me. (Not have me at visit exchanges is an attempt at this).

Anyone have ideas???  How do you deal with people who just don't follow agreements anyway?(I suppose you would sell a book if you could answer ;) And constantly threaten court? And then try to turn it on you?

Seriously, I am sorry this is so long......

Visitation Issues / Emergency-visitation issue
« on: May 02, 2009, 07:55:50 AM »
I posted a little while ago about the father wanting me to pickup child from airport when we have no agreement to that.  We had settled about a month ago to a hotel lobby for pickup per our settlement.  Today, 1 hour ago, he picked child up from my husband (i am working today) and told him(me) that my pickup is at airport, like it or not. What do I do?

Visitation Issues / Visitation Issue-Need Advice
« on: Mar 27, 2009, 06:05:25 AM »
We live long distance.  He lives in Texas and I am in Massachusetts.  We are not communicating well, and it seems to be getting worse (related to his girlfriend).  She always accompanies him on visits.  Prior to the final settlement, he was visiting the child (a baby) in my state and did both pickup and drop off.

At the settlement one of the compromises I made was that I would share pickup and drop off with him back and forth from his hotel. 

During the first three visits he had me pick-up the baby in a parking lot near a hotel that he was supposedly staying that was reasonably close.  I told him I preferred the lobby of the hotel, but didn’t fight.   The next visit he wanted to change it so that we would do both pickup and dropoff in the same parking lot, so I would have to bring the baby to him and get the baby after.  I didn't like this, since it meant that I might be doing the whole distance and it is just so much better for the baby to leave from my house to get him ready.  Anyway, in retaliation they choose a hotel in the middle of the city, and was four times the distance of the previous hotel (60 miles).  They also wrote me a very nasty note that actually was a little scary since they pretended to be me (signed his name at the top my name at the bottom) writing the note as though I was offering to do both pickup and dropoff from the airport along with a lot of other rude and mocking things.  (BTW: these two people are 45 years old and "educated" professionals).  But rather than respond with anger, I made him admit that he wrote the email (since it was written as though I had written it although it came from his email account) and simply did the pickup at that more long distance hotel.  The next time I needed to contact him I asked him to please choose a hotel closer as he did the first 3 visits.  He responded that he had decided it would be better for me to pick the baby up at the airport from the terminal that they are departing.  Since the nasty email said they wanted me to do both pickup and dropoff at the airport, I decided to draw the line.  Anyway, I wrote back to him and stated that we are supposed to share transportation to and from the hotel.  Prior to this compromise he was doing both pickup and dropoff.  I would like to follow the terms of the settlement.  So what he did then was write me telling me he was staying at the Hilton that is connected to the airport (clever!).  This hotel is extremely expensive (2 nights are 725.00) and I am just sure they are not actually staying there (he is a penny pincher) unless it would be only to antagonize me.  I wrote back and asked for proof that he is staying there and that it is an unreasonable expense to include in any child support deduction (another long issue).  He wrote back saying he didn’t have to prove anything, and if I didn’t like it take him to court.  He says if I deny his visit or shorten it in any way, he will take me to court. He also says I have a choice, either the curb of the terminal or the lobby of the hotel. I don’t think I am going to write back at least for a while (the visit is in 6 weeks).

The issue for me is each time they push more and more.  I am having a hard time knowing where to draw the line.  I don’t want to go to court over it, but I am sure that if I don’t find a way to nip this in the bud, I will be doing both pickup and dropoff at the airport and who knows what else.  And they will just be emboldened to harass me more and more.  This behavior is not isolated to only this issue.  BTW, he would LOVE me to deny a visit, since he knows this would get me in a lot of trouble, and is always trying to set up situations for me to take various "bait".  So he regularly includes statements like that, even though I have never threatened or denied a visit (of course).  I have also only extended time for visits rather than shorten them and been completely flexible with dates (he doesn't follow the schedule) and pickup and dropoff times (within reason).  So, don't worry, that is not something I would consider to be an option.  Basically, my lawyer said that I could refuse to pick the baby up, and tell him that he needs to return him to my residence since he is being unreasonable and be in comtempt and explain myself (this was the option he was pushing), or I can give in which I guess sets a precedent and maybe file for a modification specifying limits.  Or I could just give in again, and see what the next demand is going to be, because there WILL be another step in this.  I cannot and will not refuse to pick the baby up, since my baby is too important to play games like that with and the father is so stubborn, there would be a good chance that he would not return him, wait at the pickup location that he has dictated, and who knows what he would do from there??   Any other ideas?

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