I've searched this site but was unable to find an answer to this question. My X is not providing my children with the things they need when they are with me. My kids are telling me they need to go shopping for clothes to keep at my house when they're there. Isn't that the whole reason I pay my X $1000/month? Am I really expected to provide clothing for my kids when they're with me as well? I guess my question is a general, what obligations does the custodial parent have toward providing for the children? Where is the line drawn? The court defined my monetary obligation in strict detail. They forgot to mention what it was for though . . .
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#22
Shrink Rap / RE: I'm a wreck and I love my children
Jun 09, 2004, 09:40:28 AM
Dude, get it together!!!!
She's just a person not a god. Stop looking at it like your life is over and life will get better. Just the fact that your ex allows you to see your kids whenever you want makes you luckier than every guy on this board.
Get a hobby, get a job, move on and become more interesting and stable. You never know, your ex may start tailing you os someone better might come along. Yup, it could happen.
She's just a person not a god. Stop looking at it like your life is over and life will get better. Just the fact that your ex allows you to see your kids whenever you want makes you luckier than every guy on this board.
Get a hobby, get a job, move on and become more interesting and stable. You never know, your ex may start tailing you os someone better might come along. Yup, it could happen.
#23
Shrink Rap / RE: controlling ex
Jun 09, 2004, 09:30:56 AM
What fire? We don't let our child play with fire! Then get a stump grinder for now on or leave the stumps . . .
Sell the knives, buy more coins. Get past the little things. A knife collection isn't as important as your child. Why give them the chance to make an issue out of it. If he sells the knives now and the ex brings it up in court later then your brother can say, "I didn't think it was an issue, but since it was bothering the ex I sold them." What a good dad. so reasonable and easy to get along with!
Get the child in therapy NOW!!!! Don't tell the ex, just do it. Then after a few visits send the x a note, "I too was concerned about little Johnny so I enrolled him in therapy. The therapists name is ________ and they would be more than happy to talk with you." What a good dad, and he invited the mom to take part as well . . .
You should be scared. The courts are not a friend of any man and yes they will do all of those things. That's why you need to act first. The ex is screwing up by telling you what her big guns are in advance. Simply defuse them before she acts. They become moot.
Remember:
HE WHO HESITATES IS SMOKED BY FAMILY COURT
Sell the knives, buy more coins. Get past the little things. A knife collection isn't as important as your child. Why give them the chance to make an issue out of it. If he sells the knives now and the ex brings it up in court later then your brother can say, "I didn't think it was an issue, but since it was bothering the ex I sold them." What a good dad. so reasonable and easy to get along with!
Get the child in therapy NOW!!!! Don't tell the ex, just do it. Then after a few visits send the x a note, "I too was concerned about little Johnny so I enrolled him in therapy. The therapists name is ________ and they would be more than happy to talk with you." What a good dad, and he invited the mom to take part as well . . .
You should be scared. The courts are not a friend of any man and yes they will do all of those things. That's why you need to act first. The ex is screwing up by telling you what her big guns are in advance. Simply defuse them before she acts. They become moot.
Remember:
HE WHO HESITATES IS SMOKED BY FAMILY COURT
#24
Shrink Rap / Forgot to address your question on narcotics
Apr 06, 2004, 09:36:24 AM
The woman I make reference to was an old neighbor before the D. She is a heavy drinker and has been arrested for possession of a controlled substance. I'm not sure why she was on probation with CPS. I'm almost 100% sure she abuses her own children. Her 12YO once had bruises on her legs, when asked where they came from she kept changing the storey. NO children belong in her care, not even her own.
I've already addressed this with the GAL last Fall. I really don't believe that they care.
One more thing, I recieved a certified letter from the X this weekend. She stated that I should not make contact with her more than 1-2 times a month. How can I co-parent like that?
I've already addressed this with the GAL last Fall. I really don't believe that they care.
One more thing, I recieved a certified letter from the X this weekend. She stated that I should not make contact with her more than 1-2 times a month. How can I co-parent like that?
#25
Shrink Rap / RE: I'm trying to avoid conflict, please help. Long
Apr 06, 2004, 07:18:43 AM
Dr. D
It keeps getting worse instead of better. Yesterday was my B-day. Last week I asked to spend the day with the kids on my B-day. The response was, "I meant to tell you, I got the kids tickets to the circus that day". When I complained I was told, "it isn't part of the order".
I do have a theropist but I almost never get my kids, 1@ week from 4:30 to 7:30. And one of them always has an activity they have to attend during this time. Every other weekend Friday 4PM till Sunday 6PM. Dito on the activity.
I've read about PAS and I have no doubt I'm experiencing it first hand. Do you know how I can find a theropist versed in PAS. Can I ask a judge to allow me time for taking my kids?
Thank you so much for your help.
It keeps getting worse instead of better. Yesterday was my B-day. Last week I asked to spend the day with the kids on my B-day. The response was, "I meant to tell you, I got the kids tickets to the circus that day". When I complained I was told, "it isn't part of the order".
I do have a theropist but I almost never get my kids, 1@ week from 4:30 to 7:30. And one of them always has an activity they have to attend during this time. Every other weekend Friday 4PM till Sunday 6PM. Dito on the activity.
I've read about PAS and I have no doubt I'm experiencing it first hand. Do you know how I can find a theropist versed in PAS. Can I ask a judge to allow me time for taking my kids?
Thank you so much for your help.
#26
Shrink Rap / RE: Amazing Grace...
Mar 17, 2004, 09:47:06 AM
Zachsdad,
I'm sorry I can't relate to your personal internal strife. I wasn't on the 'leaving' end of our D. I have to admit I would have stayed in the relationship even after finding out that the ugly truths. It must have been a tough decision to leave. I accredit you with doing so while knowing that you would most likely lose. I can guarantee most wives would seriously reconsider leaving if they new it would cost them custody of their children. Just another of the double standards we endure. I stood willing to work on a relationship that was severely broken in order to spare my children the grief and in order to remain in their lives. I, as a man, was given no choice.
I should add that while I'm grateful for your understanding, my life is far from over. I have filled it with wonderful people and new adventures. I've seen places I never would have seen and done things I never would have done. I rebuild my life piece by piece and maintain a high spirit. My children can't help but notice. The people in my community can't help but question, and my X can't help but be unhappy. The entire burden associated with raising children is now hers. I simply lurk in the background, an ever watchful eye, ready to fight to the end to make sure the jobs done correctly. I build my carrier while she fears to rekindle hers. For if she begins to travel on business again my job is openly flexible and will allow me to be home when needed. She spends every waking moment, and most likely in slumber as well, knowing that I'm there, watching, waiting . . . My X once told me she would take custody of our children and become a dictator. She never was much of a history buff. Dictators are forever in fear of those they repress, particularly the determined.
In short, you should have equal amounts of pity for my X. She will need it. Especially in the very end when the only thing left is who you've been.
I'm sorry I can't relate to your personal internal strife. I wasn't on the 'leaving' end of our D. I have to admit I would have stayed in the relationship even after finding out that the ugly truths. It must have been a tough decision to leave. I accredit you with doing so while knowing that you would most likely lose. I can guarantee most wives would seriously reconsider leaving if they new it would cost them custody of their children. Just another of the double standards we endure. I stood willing to work on a relationship that was severely broken in order to spare my children the grief and in order to remain in their lives. I, as a man, was given no choice.
I should add that while I'm grateful for your understanding, my life is far from over. I have filled it with wonderful people and new adventures. I've seen places I never would have seen and done things I never would have done. I rebuild my life piece by piece and maintain a high spirit. My children can't help but notice. The people in my community can't help but question, and my X can't help but be unhappy. The entire burden associated with raising children is now hers. I simply lurk in the background, an ever watchful eye, ready to fight to the end to make sure the jobs done correctly. I build my carrier while she fears to rekindle hers. For if she begins to travel on business again my job is openly flexible and will allow me to be home when needed. She spends every waking moment, and most likely in slumber as well, knowing that I'm there, watching, waiting . . . My X once told me she would take custody of our children and become a dictator. She never was much of a history buff. Dictators are forever in fear of those they repress, particularly the determined.
In short, you should have equal amounts of pity for my X. She will need it. Especially in the very end when the only thing left is who you've been.
#27
Shrink Rap / RE: Is it ever better...
Mar 10, 2004, 12:22:14 PM
Wish I could say I've never thought about that one . . .
My guess is they suffer if you go just as much as if you stay. I don't know the answer but I can tell you what I do. I have as much fun with them as possible when I have them. I never talk about the witch that is their mom. I never ask them to make choices between the x and I. I laugh, smile, and tell them I love them. I'm not the disiplanarian I once was. I'm not informed enough to assume that role. So instead I'm the guy that listens, shakes his head in understanding, and tells them to stand tall no matter what. I realize being a parent means sometimes punishing your child. But if I see them only 4 times a month I'm not punishing them for one minute of that time. The right to be their parent has been taken away. I didn't ask for this role, it was crammed down my throat by their mom with the help of our system. So now I wait, I'm the god guy. I'm the guy their mom has badmouthed and accused, and I wait. Someday they may learn to hate those responsable for removing me from their lives. Even then they loose. All I can do is wait . . . hopefully be there to catch them if they fall.
Don't blame yourself. Write your reps, blame them . . .
My guess is they suffer if you go just as much as if you stay. I don't know the answer but I can tell you what I do. I have as much fun with them as possible when I have them. I never talk about the witch that is their mom. I never ask them to make choices between the x and I. I laugh, smile, and tell them I love them. I'm not the disiplanarian I once was. I'm not informed enough to assume that role. So instead I'm the guy that listens, shakes his head in understanding, and tells them to stand tall no matter what. I realize being a parent means sometimes punishing your child. But if I see them only 4 times a month I'm not punishing them for one minute of that time. The right to be their parent has been taken away. I didn't ask for this role, it was crammed down my throat by their mom with the help of our system. So now I wait, I'm the god guy. I'm the guy their mom has badmouthed and accused, and I wait. Someday they may learn to hate those responsable for removing me from their lives. Even then they loose. All I can do is wait . . . hopefully be there to catch them if they fall.
Don't blame yourself. Write your reps, blame them . . .
#28
Shrink Rap / RE: I like #3. Thanks. I'll keep you posted.
Mar 09, 2004, 07:03:11 AM
First, thank you for some great advice. Be sure I will not engage in the child like conduct. My life is getting better and better so I have no need to rehash the past.
Second, I know this sounds stupid but I'll ask anyway. What constitutes unsafe caregiver? This particular lady is a severe alcoholic. She has a past drug history and, at least as of a year ago, was on probation with CPS. To me this sounds like someone my kids shouldn't be with. I realize family court has its own set of standards.
Little update:
The X has stopped communicating with me on almost all levels. :-(
Second, I know this sounds stupid but I'll ask anyway. What constitutes unsafe caregiver? This particular lady is a severe alcoholic. She has a past drug history and, at least as of a year ago, was on probation with CPS. To me this sounds like someone my kids shouldn't be with. I realize family court has its own set of standards.
Little update:
The X has stopped communicating with me on almost all levels. :-(
#30
Shrink Rap / I'm trying to avoid conflict, please help. Long
Mar 03, 2004, 06:00:25 AM
A brief intro followed by actual correspondence. I am desperately trying to avoid conflict. Please feel free to critique my end. Thank you in advance.
. . .
I've changed information that identifies anyone. Everything else is verbatim. I have repeatedly requested that my children not be left in the care of the person identified as "Unfit care giver". I have addressed this with my, X, my attorneys, my children's GAL, the courts, and my children. The person in question has been involved with narcotics, (I've presented proof to the courts) and is/has recently been on probation with CPS. This person is a threat to the well being of even their own children.
The child1 in question of therapy was engaged in therapy when a TRO was taken against me by my X. I've just received the child's report card which indicates failure in one core class and border line in a second. The teachers comments for second quarter where, "child is suffering emotionally and this is effecting performance". The lead in to the first corospondance was the X telling me child is doing fine. A follow up with childs theropist indicates child has not been intheropy since the day we settled in court :-(
Child2 is in question of learning disability. School has advised further testing since last year. X has repeatedly agreed in court and then backed out afterwards. During our forensic evaluation X agreed to testing this past fall. It's on record in evaluators report.
The interactions . . . It's long and I understand if you haven't the time. The last response hasn't been sent pending critique.
-------------------------------------
Dear CP,
I guess I don't understand "Child2"'s progress. From reading her report card it seems she's fallen since last quarter not gained. Mrs. "Teacher"s comments also seem to indicate an emotional problem. I'll call Mrs "Teacher" and talk to her further. I was unaware of "Child2"'s problems regarding riding the bus this past fall I don't recall her having those issues in the past. I realize that "Child2" doesn't want to go to therapy but I think that's even worse. She may be repressing something and I don't think that's good. Ultimately it's our choice. "Child2" shouldn't be thinking of it as punishment or something bad.
Regarding "Child1"'s education. I agree that "Child1" needs more help. However, when I spoke with "Child1" about the testing she was supposed to receive this fall, she mentioned that it never occurred. Is this the case? If so I think she should receive more testing as soon as possible to eliminate the possibility of a learning disability. If "Child1" is suffering from something like dyslexia I'm not certain a private school is the answer. As I mentioned last spring, there's a school in "place close by" that caters to gifted children with learning disabilities. I realize that "Child1" is opposed to going but if we stand together on the issue she'll have no choice.
Also, it has come to my attention that "Child2" is occasionally being left with "Unfit caregiver". I realize that there are times when you may be busy and need someone to get the children on or off the bus or that "Child2" would like to play with "Unfit caregiver's child". Just to let you know my schedule is very flexible and I can be there to get them on or off the bus with very little notice. Also, if "Child2" would like to play with "Unfit caregiver's child" I have made it clear to both her and "Child1" that I do not want them doing so at "Unfit caregiver"'s house. In the future if you are unable to be there for them please let me know so that I can have the first opportunity to watch them. If I can't be there then I understand you using someone else, or my parents are always available. But as you know I am uncomfortable with the children spending time at "Unfit caregiver"'s house.
I welcome the opportunity to discuss the children with you.
NCP
---------------------------------------------------------
NCP,
I would appreciate it if you would not patronize me in these emails.
You did not pick up the pieces around here from your participation of our inability to be humane about our divorce.
One of "Child2"s biggest issues emotionally was how you treated her on her birthday.. (I'm sure Mrs. "Teacher" will fill you in) She cried the whole day after her visit with you. And, that wasn't the first and only time. The end of the marking period was December early January. And i'm hoping to see improvements.
As far as her having trouble taking the bus, she always needed to know someone would be on the bus with her every morning at "Old house". Why do you think I had to pick her up all the time and she came to work with me at :old job". She was always afraid and we discussed it many times. She said she didn't know why she was afraid and that's when we brought her to "Old therapist(child went 2-3 times)".
And. "Child2"s is not left a "Unfit caregiver"'s house because I can't watch them. She plays with "Unfit caregiver's child" occasionally.. I think she was there once in the last month for a few hours after school while "Child1" was at afterschool activity.
As far as "Child1"'s testing.. it's scheduled for May or June. Her grades are suffering because she's just LAZY.... I have to go to great lengths, including removing privileges so she'll get her stuff done. I have removed phone and IM because she has been abusing the privilege and for the uncompleted math work.
I'm doing everything in my power to make them the best they can be and I don't appreciate your always making it look like it's anything less.
Frankly, if we could even become civilized and work together when it comes to the children, that's when our children would have the best chance... Right now, they are lying to both of us about different things just to protect our inability to discuss them.
CP
-----------------------------------------
CP,
I'm concerned about the children and I'm expressing those concerns for your considerations.
I'm concerned about "Child2". Her grades coupled with Mrs "Teacher"s comments indicate to me that "Child2" should still be in therapy. I'm asking that "Child2" go to therapy, I'm offering to transport her.
"Child2" has been left in "Unfit caregiver"'s care on several occasions. I've made it clear to "Child1" and "Child2" that I don't want them in her care ever. I think I've made it pretty clear to everyone how I feel about this. I agree that the children must be confused by the inconsistency. I believe it enforces that there's inconsistency between us and sets the foundation for telling lies. "Child2" knows I don't want her there. When I find out she's been there and then ask her about it, she lies to me. I would imagine this causes her some level of anxiety. Moving forward, I would prefer that they're not left in "Unfit caregiver"'s care for any amount of time and I'd like your support.
"Child1" was supposed to be tested last spring. I argued adamantly in favor of this testing. I was informed that "Child1" would be tested in the fall instead. I was never informed that the testing did not take place. I would like to be a part of the solution but I don't see how that's possible if I'm not being kept informed. I disagree with your assessment of "Child1". If nothing else I believe she deserves the benefit of the doubt. If she is in fact learning disabled then she simply can't meet the expectations.
If there're times that the children will be left alone or with someone else I would like to have the option to take them first. Even if it's only for a short time before/after school it's time I can spend helping them with their school work. Considering the close proximity of our homes I think the request is reasonable. I would be more than happy to provide transportation.
NCP
. . .
I've changed information that identifies anyone. Everything else is verbatim. I have repeatedly requested that my children not be left in the care of the person identified as "Unfit care giver". I have addressed this with my, X, my attorneys, my children's GAL, the courts, and my children. The person in question has been involved with narcotics, (I've presented proof to the courts) and is/has recently been on probation with CPS. This person is a threat to the well being of even their own children.
The child1 in question of therapy was engaged in therapy when a TRO was taken against me by my X. I've just received the child's report card which indicates failure in one core class and border line in a second. The teachers comments for second quarter where, "child is suffering emotionally and this is effecting performance". The lead in to the first corospondance was the X telling me child is doing fine. A follow up with childs theropist indicates child has not been intheropy since the day we settled in court :-(
Child2 is in question of learning disability. School has advised further testing since last year. X has repeatedly agreed in court and then backed out afterwards. During our forensic evaluation X agreed to testing this past fall. It's on record in evaluators report.
The interactions . . . It's long and I understand if you haven't the time. The last response hasn't been sent pending critique.
-------------------------------------
Dear CP,
I guess I don't understand "Child2"'s progress. From reading her report card it seems she's fallen since last quarter not gained. Mrs. "Teacher"s comments also seem to indicate an emotional problem. I'll call Mrs "Teacher" and talk to her further. I was unaware of "Child2"'s problems regarding riding the bus this past fall I don't recall her having those issues in the past. I realize that "Child2" doesn't want to go to therapy but I think that's even worse. She may be repressing something and I don't think that's good. Ultimately it's our choice. "Child2" shouldn't be thinking of it as punishment or something bad.
Regarding "Child1"'s education. I agree that "Child1" needs more help. However, when I spoke with "Child1" about the testing she was supposed to receive this fall, she mentioned that it never occurred. Is this the case? If so I think she should receive more testing as soon as possible to eliminate the possibility of a learning disability. If "Child1" is suffering from something like dyslexia I'm not certain a private school is the answer. As I mentioned last spring, there's a school in "place close by" that caters to gifted children with learning disabilities. I realize that "Child1" is opposed to going but if we stand together on the issue she'll have no choice.
Also, it has come to my attention that "Child2" is occasionally being left with "Unfit caregiver". I realize that there are times when you may be busy and need someone to get the children on or off the bus or that "Child2" would like to play with "Unfit caregiver's child". Just to let you know my schedule is very flexible and I can be there to get them on or off the bus with very little notice. Also, if "Child2" would like to play with "Unfit caregiver's child" I have made it clear to both her and "Child1" that I do not want them doing so at "Unfit caregiver"'s house. In the future if you are unable to be there for them please let me know so that I can have the first opportunity to watch them. If I can't be there then I understand you using someone else, or my parents are always available. But as you know I am uncomfortable with the children spending time at "Unfit caregiver"'s house.
I welcome the opportunity to discuss the children with you.
NCP
---------------------------------------------------------
NCP,
I would appreciate it if you would not patronize me in these emails.
You did not pick up the pieces around here from your participation of our inability to be humane about our divorce.
One of "Child2"s biggest issues emotionally was how you treated her on her birthday.. (I'm sure Mrs. "Teacher" will fill you in) She cried the whole day after her visit with you. And, that wasn't the first and only time. The end of the marking period was December early January. And i'm hoping to see improvements.
As far as her having trouble taking the bus, she always needed to know someone would be on the bus with her every morning at "Old house". Why do you think I had to pick her up all the time and she came to work with me at :old job". She was always afraid and we discussed it many times. She said she didn't know why she was afraid and that's when we brought her to "Old therapist(child went 2-3 times)".
And. "Child2"s is not left a "Unfit caregiver"'s house because I can't watch them. She plays with "Unfit caregiver's child" occasionally.. I think she was there once in the last month for a few hours after school while "Child1" was at afterschool activity.
As far as "Child1"'s testing.. it's scheduled for May or June. Her grades are suffering because she's just LAZY.... I have to go to great lengths, including removing privileges so she'll get her stuff done. I have removed phone and IM because she has been abusing the privilege and for the uncompleted math work.
I'm doing everything in my power to make them the best they can be and I don't appreciate your always making it look like it's anything less.
Frankly, if we could even become civilized and work together when it comes to the children, that's when our children would have the best chance... Right now, they are lying to both of us about different things just to protect our inability to discuss them.
CP
-----------------------------------------
CP,
I'm concerned about the children and I'm expressing those concerns for your considerations.
I'm concerned about "Child2". Her grades coupled with Mrs "Teacher"s comments indicate to me that "Child2" should still be in therapy. I'm asking that "Child2" go to therapy, I'm offering to transport her.
"Child2" has been left in "Unfit caregiver"'s care on several occasions. I've made it clear to "Child1" and "Child2" that I don't want them in her care ever. I think I've made it pretty clear to everyone how I feel about this. I agree that the children must be confused by the inconsistency. I believe it enforces that there's inconsistency between us and sets the foundation for telling lies. "Child2" knows I don't want her there. When I find out she's been there and then ask her about it, she lies to me. I would imagine this causes her some level of anxiety. Moving forward, I would prefer that they're not left in "Unfit caregiver"'s care for any amount of time and I'd like your support.
"Child1" was supposed to be tested last spring. I argued adamantly in favor of this testing. I was informed that "Child1" would be tested in the fall instead. I was never informed that the testing did not take place. I would like to be a part of the solution but I don't see how that's possible if I'm not being kept informed. I disagree with your assessment of "Child1". If nothing else I believe she deserves the benefit of the doubt. If she is in fact learning disabled then she simply can't meet the expectations.
If there're times that the children will be left alone or with someone else I would like to have the option to take them first. Even if it's only for a short time before/after school it's time I can spend helping them with their school work. Considering the close proximity of our homes I think the request is reasonable. I would be more than happy to provide transportation.
NCP