Chance of Custody for Father?

[ER]

My ex and I have a son. We were never married and she left him with me at age 2. Since birth my son has never left my home. He is over 3 1/2 now and still lives with me. My ex get visitations with my son only through a court order. 7 months ago she filed for sole custody and I counter filed as well for sole custody. Our hearing ordered for me to have custody of my son and his mothter to have companionship with visitations only until a GAL would make a recomendation during a pre-trial hearing. Well we went through the GAL, ordered to take Pscychological Evaluations and nothing so far since the pre-trial hearing was weeks ago with no results from the tests. We have another pre-trial hearing next month. Since my ex left my son and moved out and never came back, how does this work for me in my suit to get sole custody? I do know that if a father left, he is screwed regardless. So why shouldn't a mother be held equal for the same?

 She refuses to communicate with me or acknowlegde anything except when she gets her visitation time and wants to go outside the court orders, then she gets nasty. She pays nothing for her son except health insurance through her work. After a month from filing for sole custody she submitted a shared parenting plan to the courts but I refused to sign it because it was more of a 80/20 plan that was total agaisnt the well being of my son. I am wanting sole custody of my son only for simple facts that my son has developmental problems and the mother has not shown any interest in working with me or her son to help him. She only shows interest when the court dates get near or when he own father threatens to cust her off of his fund. (daddy pays for eveything) Just 2 weeks ago she called the therapist for information after 6 months of not even being involved or even showing an interest.  I am afraid that she is "playing" goodie-too-shoes" to convince the GAL and the court that she wants to be his mother and they will see nothing but the outside, only to know first hand that after this is over, she will drop my son like a hot potatoe, knowing that I will always take care of him.  I am sure a mother in this situtation would have no problem with the way the courts are, but what about me and my chances? I truly have raised him since his birth. And yes, I mean raised him. I fed him, bathed him, nurtured him, etc... Believe it!! Imay not have had the right equipment to nurse him, but yes, I was actually feeding him all the time!!! The mother did harldy anything but complain and then wanted to leave one day but never asked to take her son. She has a daughter from a previous relationship which her daughter has never known her fahter only because the mother convinced her that he was dead. He is not and has not seen his daughter in 12 years!!!! I fear that my son will go through what his step-sister went throguh. So, I have done everything to the best for my son. Her family has even come forward and is willing to testify if it goes to trial. My ex's mother has already talked to the GAL, but it seems that does not help in my eyes only because the GAL seemed to look at it as a vindictive mother/daughter thing. Guess I am just exhausted from fighting and getting no where. I can't afford to lose my son to a life I know will be bad for him. So what else can I do?  I document, pictures, recordings, you name it, it never seems to hold weight for a father wanting sole custody. And as for joint, it will not work. She has already used that excuse to gain access to get my son out of school and to make me"look" as if I was doing things purposely using my son. The school caught wind of this after I talked to them (long story). One last thing, my son's mother is a social worker using the system as I found out. So, there it is. What are the chances?

[Stepmomnow]

Do you have an attorney?  If not, GET ONE.  Your son needs all the protection you can give him and doing this on your own is not in his best interests.

Sorry, I have not gone through a custody battle, (yet) so I don't know how yours will turn out.  Keep us posted.

[DecentDad]

Hi,

Her walking out doesn't count for much, in and of itself.  Focus your attention on other areas.

The more time that goes by with you acting in the role (essentially) of having sole custody, the better are your chances.  This is among the most weighted issues.

At the same time, you must cooperate fully with court orders.  If you don't want to deviate from court orders, that shouldn't hurt you much, if at all.

If her family is willing to say that you're the better parent for this child, that's nearly a home run for you.

If you're in the U.S., chances are very good that you'll be able to continue in your majority timeshare with your son.  You really need an attorney to make sure this happens.  You have an excellent position.

At the same time, you need to appreciate that the court ain't gonna get rid of mommy.  If you come across as wanting her to disappear from son's life, that could be a huge blow for you.  Instead, you need to outline concerns you have about her parenting (and nothing else).

If you hate her, that's fine.  But if she's a good mother, you should be going for 50/50.  If she's not a good mother, you should be examining how to support the mother/son relationship in a way that minimizes potential harm to your son (e.g., SOME time together, but you make all the decisions, and you do the primary amount of child-rearing).

Finally, don't get too trapped into terminology like "joint custody" or "sole custody."  The real measure of who will be raising this child is the actual timeshare split.  If you get 70% timeshare, who cares what it's called?

Best,
DD

[MYSONSDAD]

Start researching your State Statues. In my State, abandonment makes it nearly impossible to gain custody. This is what SHE did. Also, the fact you were primary care giver in regard to medical issues will also be in your favor.

I think your chances are excellent, but cover you a$$. Make sure the attorney is experienced in Family Law and check their track record with fathers. Maybe go to the courthouse and watch a few custody trials. Educate yourself and continue documenting.

I also agree with DD, don't put too much into the joint issue. You should keep residential.

Using the system is like breathing for some.... Many here know first hand how they play the games.

Keeping documentation on her not following the CO will only show the Judge she is not going to cooperate.

I think the fact of what she did to the other child should be a clear indication of how she operates.

"Children learn what they live"

[ER]

This may be long but it may give you a better understanding of my situation. First off thanks for the replys!!

I do have an attorney and we are pursuring custody. Whether it is sole of joint is up to the GAL unless I pursue a trial. At this point my reason for wanting sole custody is based on the mother's involvement with my son and his well being around her. I am not trying to take away her visitation rights, I am happy with the court ordered arrangement as it stands now. 2 days a weeks for 3 hours and every other weekend. My son has a severe developmental problem that requires much theraphy and possible medication in the future is therapy does not help. He truly is amazing and wonderful and I would not have him any other way. The problem is his mohter and how she deasl with him when he has his problems. It is more mental and somewhat physical abuse all in all. But proving mental will take years. As for physical, it is mostly nelgect when my son becomes uncontrollable when in her care. SHe has not been involved in his therapy except for one phone call the day before our pre-trial hearing after 6 months of therapy. SHe just now got information from his school eventhough I have sent certified letters to her informing her and asking her to contact me. All this is being done to "look" good in the yes of the court. Our court system here is quite bias towards women. They can do no wrong in the eyes. The toughest hurdle I have is that fact that she is a social worker who knows the system and she has a father that supports her and her daughter. So to her it does not matter about my son, but the fact that she can get money from her father and me by using my son when she needs him. Once this is done, I can guarantee she will give him back until she gets in a bind again. There is too much stuff to get into here on this board to explain all the reasons for my fight for sole. I know I will have a hard time, but for my son I have to. He is the most joyful human being when he is with me. I taught my son everyhting he knows and for the best part, no one can take that away from me or him.

As for the GAL, yes, her mother did go and get interviewed. Her siter-in-law also wants to go into and speak to the GAL on my son's behalf. Her whole family, except for her fahter beleives that I should have him. This is why, I have to go foward with a trial no matter what because een the GAL's here don't seem to do an honest evaluation. Just from taking the Psych Evals, I learned that it is all a game to bankrupt me. I paid a nice chunk fo change to the psychologist for the tests and he told me that her would have the report completed and ready for our pre-trial hearing. Well that was 2 weeks ago, and yes, he was paid in full up front! SO I ask agian, what is really going on here??

As for documentation, I have it all. As for following the court order, she has been in contempt a few times, but I never persued it because she would just get a slap on the wrist and I would end up looking vindictive. But I do have evidence and proof of her not cooperating. The biggest indication and I know the GAL knows this, is how she will not communicate with me over our son. For 7 months now, me and my son's ex' spoke 4 times. She will walk away if I talk to her, she will hang the phone up if I call, and as I said before never respond to my letters. I have gotten to the point where I gave up trying. My son has a diagonois that she doesn't know yet and I am pulling my hair out because on one hand she is his mother, and on the other hand I have been informing her all along about his testing and she does not repsond. So, I gave up and figured if she wants to truly know, then she will ask. You can't win for losing with my ex.

Bottom line is that if the role was reversed, I would not stand a chance of even getting visitations let alone anything at all.

Thanks!!

[MYSONSDAD]

I know exactly how you feel. My trial is coming up and getting prepared now. You should go forward and fight with everything you have. If it takes the rest of my life, our son will know I am there, fighting everyday,  in everyway. I worry about our son having to inherit these same issues someday. Wonder if these mothers ever give a thought that their sons may someday face the same bias.

Also think you have some good substance with her family testifying in your behalf. That says a lot about YOU.

I think you stand a very good chance. Your doing your homework and making your son top priority. Doing what is best for him. Wish you all the best and hope your concerns and questions are being answered here. Post often, so many here to help and give different advice. Just pick from what suits your needs best and leave the rest.

By the way, I ask myself those same questions everyday. If this were reversed...

[muckabout]

Given what you have outlined, your chances are pretty good to remain as the  primary caregiver.  However,  do not execpt this to be a quick process.  The court system invariably will streach the ordeal out to at least 2 years.  This in part to ensure that all parties are able to have the oportunity to express themselves and any plan that may be usable in the "New Family" arrangment.  The courts interest is in maitaining parental involvment in the childs development.  Who and how much involvment will depend on how each party presents and conducts themselves.  And you, my friend, being the man must walk the straighest moral line possible. Unfortunenatly, men are in the position that women were in  (still are ) with respect to wages in the work place.  You have to be more perfect than the person of the opposite sex just to be considered.  (This I know as my ex drove drunk and wrecked a vehicle to which the judge said "No big deal")  Document all time spent with your son, what appointments you made on his behalf,  how he reacts to the ex, etc.  Details are important.  Follow the court orders to the letter and on time.  If comunication is impossible between you and your ex, have someone you both trust act as an intermediary especially if the tension arises during picking up and dropping off your son.  Most important of all....patience.  Your time with your son is important.  Don't let you fustration affect that.  He may be young but he will remember.

[ER]

I know the process is long and hard. This started back in late winter and we are awaiting a second pre-trial hearing as the first produced no reports from the GAL or Psyc evals. Communication between me and my ex has all but remained the same, no communication. I have documented everything thing even if it seems ridiculous but I know in my heart where my son is the most productive and happiest. Since the Holidays are close and our hearing is a few weeks away, I am sure of fireworks in regards to follwing the court order we have now. I set forth so much for my son in his development and care to overcome his disabilities that I am feeling more confident in regards to keeping him. I still at times feel that no matter how well I present my case that those invovled have already made the deceison. My concern more now thant ever is the communication between me and my son's mother. I have down all types of communication with her and received no response. If I do get a repsonse it is pretty much harsh and dis-respectful. I beleive we had only deent conversation over potty training and I was taken off guard by how "nice" she was being towards me. I didn't buy it and it later was shown to be a trick. She also has been presenting herself towards me in exchaning our son during visits as all "dolled" up. Again another trick. So, I focus on just my son and keep the straight and narrow.