A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!"

[lb]

 

           My husband died 19 years ago leaving me penniless with a 2 month old a 2 year and a 7 year old, My late husbands family were well to do but would give me any help. They wanted my children
, After 3 years if getting no where I was forced to send my children to my husbands sister until I could get on my feet, I was told I needed to give them guardianship for medical treatment. My kids were in need of medical and dental work so glad;y sign When I tried to bring my children home to me they refused to give them back. The money I had saved for their return would be spent on lawyers and then some. I was told that I could see them one day week without any overnights. if I gave them any problems I would not see them at all.
Within three years my children were totally brainwashed. The rest of the story reads word for word in the description of PAS.
I continued to see them until they stopped the visits, For the last seventeen years I he written them a few times a week. with very few responses, Still I never stopped
. I had given up UNTIL YESTERDAY An E. Mail from my 22 year old daughter. I am in a state of shock. I need to respond. I must have written 100 different letters. I cannot stop crying long enough to think straight I do not want to say anything wrong.
I am going to share the letter with you because It may give hope to those that have given up. I also ask for some suggestions and impute on what I should say in my response.


There is a god and she answered my prayrs

This is the letter from my daughter .

Dear Mom,
I am writing this to you not really knowing if I'm actually going to send it to you. I am going to attempt to explain to you some of the things that I feel, which perhaps will explain why I act the way I do. First and foremost, I want you to know that I do not hate you, nor have I ever felt hatred toward you. I'm not sure if you even thought this, but I figured it's best to make that clear right away. I am not going to deny feelings of anger, although I'm not sure that I can explain exactly what I am angry about. It's not even so much directed at you, as it is the entire situation in which we find ourselves. I know that you did what you thought was best for us, and for that I am grateful. I realize that relinquishing custody of your children had to of been one of the hardest things you've ever done and I'm sure that not a day goes by that you don't think about it. I also know that you've made an effort to try and move past what happened in the past and have tried to salvage some sort of relationship with us. I have not dealt with this the right way, but I've been dealing with it the only way I know how to, and that is to try and ignore it. The truth of the matter is, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not "meeting you half way" and attempting to have a relationship with you. It's not something that I've felt a burning need to do. This is not to say that I don't want to have any contact with you. I just don't believe that it's possible for us to have a typical mother/daughter relationship. I've always felt as if that is what you were trying to form, which may be why I've resisted forming any relationship at all. I know that you think that I ignore you and I go home every weekend to spend time with my other family. In reality, I really don't get a chance to go home that often because of all the things that I am involved with at school. Even when I do go home, it's not like I go see everyone. I generally stay at home and if people come to me, then that's cool. I don't feel a burning desire to visit with everyone though. I am not a social person. This even applies to members of my own family.

You probably think that I am antisocial when I'm over at your house and that I act like I don't want to be there. The fact is, however, that's how I am no matter where I am. Unless I'm sitting by myself, or with a very small group of people, I am seldom 100% comfortable. At your house, it seems like there are always people stopping by or staying over for a while. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, because it shows how willing you are to open your home to your friends. It's nice that you give them a place to go. I'm just not comfortable around strangers. I know that you can relate to this, because I believe you share this problem. If I were to ask you to come over while my friends were over, I think you'd be uncomfortable. This is extremely evident on holidays, when there are usually lots of people over at your house. I'm not saying that I want you to stop this, because that's part of your life. I'm just trying to explain to you why I am uncomfortable most of the time. When I'm over and it's just you (or John and Harold), I'm totally fine. I enjoy talking with you and updating you on what's going on in my life, and I like hearing what's going on with you. I guess the reason I don't come over often is because it's never a guarantee that things will be like that. I never know what to expect when I go to your house, and that is unsettling for me. I like to know what I'm getting into before I set out to do something. It's wrong of me to request that nobody else be present when I choose to visit because my visits shouldn't interrupt your life.

As for phone conversations, or lack there of, I kind of feel like it's always up to me to call you. I know that you have my phone number, and yet it is rare that I get a call from you. I realize that it is also rare that I call you, but I'm stubborn and it's kind of like I'm saying that I can go as long as you can go without calling. I have a hard time calling you for reasons I would normally call other people. I can't call you to ask you a question or ask a favor of you because then it's assumed that I only call you when I want something. So, I overcompensate for this by not asking you for anything. I know that you have your hands full with John and you have your own things to deal with. I respect that. I know that I should make a better effort to call you, but it's hard for me. It seems like whenever we do talk, it has to evolve into some deep conversation. These conversations are emotionally exhausting to me. I have enough things to deal with because of school and just life in general. I never feel like I can just call you to "shoot the breeze" because deep down I dread the deep conversation. I will admit that this is wrong of me, because I know that there needs to be conversation like this. I know that the only way to get past all this crap is to talk about it and get it out in the open. I think that you'll understand that it's easier for me to do this on paper than it is in person or on the phone. The reason there has been a lack of response to your emails in the past is because I always felt like the purpose of those emails was to make me feel guilty. After reading them, I would always feel like a horrible person. I didn't (and still don't) know how to change that. I don't know how to change the way I am toward/with you. I don't know if I can give you what you want. I don't know that I have that in me. I am willing to move forward though and try to salvage some sort of relationship. The best I can offer right now is a type of friendship. As much as I've tried to put this off and ignore it, it's become apparent that I cannot be happy until this is resolved. I am not a mean person, and I can't keep ignoring the extreme amount of guilt that I feel for being so closed off and cold towards you. This isn't something that can change overnight, and I hope you realize that. I am not a fan of change and I'm not quite sure how to proceed with this, but I guess that's something we'll figure out along the way.

Never stop having fun, because if you did, life would be boring--



 
 

lb

[wendl]

What a breakthough that she wrote this, I know that I am better at writing my feeling than talking in person.

The most important thing is for her to know that you love her and have never given up on her nor have you ever been dissapointed in her.

She is a lot like my dh he is not a talker and keeps to himself, I am the kind of person who does not like crowds I get really quiet.

Maybe you can try to call her once a week just to say hello and see how school, sports whatever have been going, keep the converstation fun and light and only go into deap conversations when need be.

You will write a response from your heart and you will do fine.

The best thing you can do is tell her you love her and will always be there and she does not disppoint you.

Maybe you two can set up a night once a week or whatever just you two for a dinner out or something so you to can be alone.

(((Hugs)))

[TX]

I guess it was just meant for me to respond because I always have a horrible time logging on!

Your post and your daughters letter kinda hits home because I was also "given up" by my natural mother when I was four. I never heard or saw her until I was fourteen and that was for a short visit. I never did hear anything from anyone except "your mother didn't want you". I'm now 46.  In reading your daughters letter about what she called antisocial and not feeling comfortable could of been me writing years ago. Without going into the my life, I can honestly say it sounds like your daughter has opened her heart for a relationship with you but is very scared to get hurt by you. You and your daughter have so many years ahead and one of the best times a mother and daughter can share is when they become best friends. I say that in memory of my step-mother whom I was lucky to have relinguished all my anger and found a best friend. My natural mother and I have a relationship but it's very limited. I've matured enough to realize to accept people for who they are and not what I wish they were. I'm not sure how ready you are to have a relationship with your daughter. I know when I opened myself to my mother, I wanted her to be a "real Mom".  A Mom is something she never was and will never be. My mother is a business orientated person that should of never had children She was raised in the era when that is what a woman was supposed to do. She is not nuturing and is very selfish. I remember when I was in my twenties and we were at my grandfathers funeral, her father, I begged for her to stay until Sunday. It was Mothers Day and I had never ever spent a Mothers Day with her. She couldn't because she had to get back because she missed her dog. What does that tell you? Your daughter sounds like she may be afraid of you becoming part of her life and then leaving again. She wants you to call her because she wants to feel important to you. Are you willing to make her feel that way? I am grown and have four children of my own. After I had my children, especially my daughter, I lost pretty much all respect for my natural mother. I could not understand why any mother in their right mind would ever give up their kids. My mother told me she thought we were better off with my father because she couldn't afford us, he remarried and could offer a family structure. I told her I could accept that, but why didn't she EVER call and find out how we were doing because it wasn't a good situation at all. Later in life, I told my father he should of given us up for adoption instead of letting us be raised by a wicked stepmother and her family. In all sincere honesty, be ready for whatever questions and statements your daughter may ask or tell you. I really let my natural mother hear it all when I was 17 and again after I had my baby girl. I stated the facts, I wasn't angry but I knew it hurt her to hear how I felt on her decison on giving me up and then not ever being in my life. It was something I needed to tell her. Your daughter may have been told all kinds of things growing up without you. I'm sure there were times when she needed her Mom to hold her when she was scared and to kiss her gently on the forehead and tell her she is the most beautiful girl in the world. There is some things only a Mom can do to a baby girl growing up. I say, open your heart to your daughter, it's long over due and when it's time to be a grandmother make a vow that your going to be the best grandmother ever to her children.

Your baby girl will always be your baby girl no matter how old she is!!

[lb]

The sad fact is I never left her .My daughter is a classic case of PAS
My husband died leaving with a 2 month old a 2 year old and a seven year old I had $2.50 and no insurance . No skills and no job.My inlaws were well to do but would ofer me no help after Two years of struggling I was forced to send my children to live with my late husbands sister . I signed legal guardianship for medical reasons.Or so I was told . I visited my children every chance I could untill she put them in so many activities they never had time . Then she felt i day per week was enough . I never missed that day . In time my children became very indiffrent to me and very criticle .They insisted I gave them up for drugs and that ntheir aunt was protecting them .Theyonly came once in a while   .I sent them cards and E mails every week .I went to every special event in their life and sat in the back ground . Three years ago  My 16 year old son wanted ti spend summers with me . She said no so he ran away .She went to court and gave up guardianship and disowned him . He is with me and goes in and out of the brainwashing . My daughters  stopped seeing me because they were afraid  of being rejected .  There was no help for me when I could have made a diffrence . I had no money to fight her There is nothing to salvage except their free will .

[lb]

lbAt 22 years my daughter is a very smart woman. She is a music major turned Forensic Biologist. She is sensitive and kind and we are very much alike in many ways . I know  how very hard this is on her .   The thing is her aunt still has a hold on her and it is gotten tighter since my son turned traitor. I am not the one that cannot leave the past.I have thought it might be better to just let her live in peace
The other two children never showed a sign of guilt or acknowledged my efforts. This makes me worry about her well being if this is not resolved before I die. It will haunt her.  

[Starrsmom]

This is the first time I have been on this particular board.  Consequently, all I have to go by regarding your situation is this one post.  

At 16 my daughter went to live w/her father & SM.  At 19 she married.  I, of course, was not invited thanks to the PAS.  Needless to say she bounced in and out of my life when she needed something or a place to stay.  The last time she left, I ended up not seeing her for almost five years.  At that time my oldest grand-daughter was about 8 months old.  I did not get to see her again until she was 5; her sister was almost 3 and her brother was almost 2.

Fast forward to last summer.....at age 26, this daughter made contact with her sister/my daughter and told her sister to ask ME call her.  I finally gave in and called her (we are both a lot alike and both very stubborn).  To try to make this shorter......we decided to take the deep, emotional sides of our relationship slowly; we decided to judge each other on what happened/how we treated each other from "THIS DAY FORWARD" and to try not to bring up the past.

As it is now.....I am on the phone with her 2-3 times a week.  Either she calls or I call.  I also babysit two of her three children once a week while she and the oldest grandchild go to Tae Kwon Do.

The reason that I rambled on so, is to let you know that there is ALWAYS hope.  Your daughter went through a lot of mental anguish to send you that e-mail.  I know it could not have been easy for her.  I KNOW it hasn't been easy on you.

Maybe if the two of you could try to SLOWLY form a woman-to-woman friendship then the mother/daughter relationship may develop from there.  Take things slowly; for all the progess that you make, realize there will be setbacks as well.  Maybe taking a "one day at a time" type of perspective will help the healing process.  As my daughter told me last year, we need to take BABY STEPS in our relationship first.  

Know that my prayers are with you and I sincerely hope you and your children will come to terms with the past, realize nothing can change the past and live for today and the future.  Hope all goes well with you and your children.

Starrsmom

PS.  Just to give you hope.....my daughter and her family and my husband and I have a vacation to Disney World planned for April 2005 and Aruba for November 2005.  She will be flying with us to Las Vegas to see her sister, BIL, and niece in July of this year.  HAVE PATIENCE and hopefully you and your daughter will be able to build a strong relationship together.

[Dr. D]

WOW, this is more than a breakthrough!  Your daughter is telling you exactly what she wants, what she needs from you, what she needs to work on and even explains a little bit, that missed not having you growing up.  Take what she says and work with her.  Call her........NOW.....and ask others to give you room to visit with her alone.  What about the other kids.....Does she have contact and a relationship with them?  The fact she calls herself antisocial is disturbing.....fiind out what that truly means......Swallow any pride or reservations you might have and  welcome her!
Dr.D