Tonite's dilemna

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

This evening was my son's appt. with his Mental Health worker. (He has ADHD.)

As usual, the kids come to sit with me. My girl says, "Hey mom, dad says that we can come stay with you Thanksgiving night and stay all the way till Monday night!" (Per court order, I do not have the kids this Thanksgiving. It is however, my weekend including Fri. nite, Sat, nite, home at 8 PM Sunday. The kids do not have school on Monday because of hunting season beginning.)

I said, loud enough for dad to hear, "I'm sorry honey, but I already agreed to cover the office Friday and I can't change that, so I can't get you Thanksgiving night". She then asked me about staying Sunday night, as she knows that I am the night manager on Sunday and Monday night. (Yes, I work two night shifts a week and 3 day shifts, working on the weekends that I don't have the kids.) I told her I didn't know, I would have to check and see.

It was my turn with the Mental Health worker. When I came out, my girl says to me, "Hey mom, dad said we could spend Thanksgiving nite at Auntie's house. Then she whispers..."He says he's being more than generous and he can't help it if you don't want us." !!! (Thank God she knows what a crock that is!) I simply said, " I don't know if she is working that day either. We'll have to see."

Now mind you, this "man" is sitting 15 feet away from me and can't discuss any of it with ME. I simply said, "I don't know if she is working or not. We'll have to find out."

Obviously, the X has plans. His family has 400 acres further south and I'm sure he wants to take the long weekend and go hunting. (It's tradition.)

Should I attempt to accomodate? Doing so will totally mess up my work schedule, and no, there is no way I can get Friday off at this point. Yes, I can make arrangements for the kids...but what is the point if I am working anyways???

[ocean]

Hi,
My first instinct said "too bad for him, let him make arrangements" Where is the good old SM now??? LOL but I guess if he is set on going hunting and will probably leave them with whoever, why not take them? You can get a breakfast or dinner in with them. Can your daughter come with you to work for the day? (just make sure that next year is still YOUR Thanksgiving). If you decide to, send him a certified letter stating that you are taking them since he in unable but that you expect your holiday next year. Hoep fully next year, you will at least have you daughter :) Will he agree to a notebook going back and forth? Then he does not have to speak to you. (guess e-mail is out?). I am thinking of getting a part-time job when the girls are with their dad but I am very nervous of him pulling this same exact thing! Uggg...Hang in there....

[joni]

grab all the gusto you can, whenever you can, steal every moment with your children....go for it, make it work.  your daughter is so close to being able to tell a judge she wants to live with you...I can taste it.

[backwardsbike]

It is so hard to balance work and family.  The you have anex who puts flies in the ointment.  What a dilemna indeed.  I know I'd be taking the time with my kids and documenting every single minute of it.  The work situation is sticky but you still have time to get approval the have the kids come in with you.  Would a co-worker be willing to split shifts with you?  Usually a lot of people are out on Thanksgiving weekend so the kids shouldn't disrupt the schedule too much.  The added benefit: they get to see what you do at work all day.  Good luck.

[MixedBag]

I'd take them and make your own arrangement to keep them supervised when you can't....

Like family on YOUR side...

Or get in touch with one of their friends where they might want to spend the night or something.

You take them and YOU make the decisions as to how to take care of them.

AND make sure Dad understands that this doesn't mess up the holiday rotation schedule for future years.

[Butterfly]

he throws away and run.....

Ditto MixedBag's advice!  

[cathy]

"Now mind you, this "man" is sitting 15 feet away from me and can't discuss any of it with ME. "

First, let me say it sounds like this man is a first class dickhead.  But that doesn't mean you lower yourself to his level.  Rise above it!

Just as he was 15 feet away from you, YOU were 15 feet away from him.  You were BOTH wrong communicating thru this kid.  As you said, you told her loud enough for him to hear.  Sorry - but that was wrong in many ways.

Personally, I think you should have just told her that if her father wanted to make changes, he needed to discuss them with you.  End of story.  Or you could have even turned to him and said something like "I would love to have the kids during Thanksgiving, but there may be some conflicts.  I'm not sure this is the appropriate time and place to discuss schedule changes - so why not you contact me (whenever). "  Or offer to step in the hallway, away from the kids, after the session is over.

One of the hardest things I have had to do in dealing with a true psycho was not to let their behavior justify bad behavior on my part.  Unfortunately, I can't say I've always succeeded!

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

It's not actually my girl that needs watched on Friday. It's my son.  My girl can stay home by herself. My son, on the other hand, has ADHD and would burn the neighborhood down.

I cannot switch for Friday. I am the back-up accountant. The accountant had asked me if I was available to work that day 2 weeks ago, as she requested off  to go away. (Normally I only do accounting on the weekends I don't have the kids.) Besides the fact that nobody is allowed in that office outside of the managers, could you see a 10 year old boy with ADHD sitting in a 10x10 office with no windows watching his mom count thousands and thousands of dollars and do paperwork/computerwork all day? LOL  ;-)

I can also probably make some arrangements for Sunday night, for him to stay somewhere. As I explained I work different shifts during the week. Every Sunday and Monday night, I work 11PM to 7 am as the night manager, then have Tuesdays off so that I can work my normal day shifts the rest of the week. So you see, I can't really switch nights.
And no, I CANNOT afford to simply lose a day's pay.

I'm sure I'll come up with something. It's just a matter of why I should go to all this trouble just to accomodate him and his plans, because HE'S the one who doesn't have anyone to watch the kids. I guess it just brings back memories of Good Friday. I had it off. The kids asked to spend the night with me because they didn't have school. They were told no, because they already had plans. Then my girl calls the next night to inform me she's spending the night at a friends house. (okay...where did the plans go?)

It's the good ol Rock-anda-Hard place...and I'm always made out to be the bad guy  :-(

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Hi girlfriend...you already KNOW that I won't let him take any of MY time away from me!!  ;-)

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

"First, let me say it sounds like this man is a first class dickhead. But that doesn't mean you lower yourself to his level. Rise above it!"

Let me say that I totally agree with you. BUT...

I have tried dealing directly with this "man".  On two separate occasions, I have said to either child, "This is something your dad needs to discuss directly with me". And the end result on both occasions, has been that the matter was totally dropped and I didn't get the extra time with the kids.

So unfortunately, if I want the extra time with the kids, I have learned that I MUST deal with it thru the kids. With that said, do you still think I am wrong?
 
After last Christmas, when he twisted and turned some arrangements that we had made, I sent him a letter advising him that all calls to my home would be electronically monitored. Now, any time that arrangements are made (yes with the kids who also know the calls are being recorded) I send a follow up letter with the arrangements that are made and a request to advise me if the arrangements are incorrect. I have the tapes, with good ol' dad in the background to back me up.

Pain in the butt? Yep!!! But if I want the extra time, I gotta do what I gotta do!!!